Retracing some of my steps...

So, in the food journal I write in each day, I record my weight. I don't recommend weighing yourself everyday if you are an obsessive person. The reality is, our weight fluctuates up and down a few pounds in just a matter of hours, even. I know this now. I record my weight and journal my food intake each day because I am learning which foods I am sensitive to and which ones cause me to retain excess weight and swelling, therefore, which foods to either limit or avoid altogether. I did not know this fact when I was a teenager. All I could see was the numbers...not "the why?"

As an insecure high schooler who thought every other girl was a million times more beautiful than me, at least in the summers when I was home throughout the day, I would weigh myself up to 5x in a day...no, I'm not exaggerating, unfortunately. It makes me sad to think of how many teenage girls are trapped as grown women today, still checking the scale that frequently, but not knowing how and why it could possibly fluctuate so much! It makes me sad to think of how many teenage girls never even made it to womanhood because they thought food, and their own reflections, and the number on the scale were their enemies.

Looking back, I'm shocked at some of my high school and college pictures! I used to think I was fat. I wasn't. I am 5' 9 1/2" tall and have been ever since high school. When I got to college I weighed 140 lbs and had 18% body fat. I know this because my freshman year of college, and the years following, we had to have our BMI's done in P.E. (Why I still remember that number over 20 years later is part of the story, I guess.) When I graduated I weighed 150 lbs and had a percent body fat of 25. According to BMI charts, I was healthy when I got to college but was considered obese when I left...reading that word "obese" as a one hundred and fifty pound person really jacked up my mind and the reflection in the mirror.

"How could I be obese when I had only gained 10 lbs?" I thought.

Yep. Freshman year, first week, the school highlighted most girls' biggest battle without even knowing it...

Since college my weight has gone from anywhere between 150 and 180, not pregnant. I maxed out when I worked at a college, after college, in a size 14. I lived on campus with all the girls, and yes, I ate like I was a student instead of a real, live grown-up who should know better to make wise choices.

You might think that a 10 pound weight gain in 4 years of college isn't that big of a deal. I mean, yeah, I wasn't on high school swim team anymore, practicing 2 hours a day after school, nor was I doing lunges and wall squats in basketball, either. But I was still working out each week, because we had to for PE at our college. I was working out but not as much, and, I was eating a heck of a lot more. Yes, my metabolism slowed from not being in sports, but my appetite increased, as well.

I know that in college more than high school I ate out of habit rather than hunger. And boy did I have some crappy habits! I hadn't drank pop in high school. Water or tea had always been my beverage of choice until I met my new best friend...the college cafeteria. Filled with so many choices, I was a kid in a candy store. I am not kidding when I tell you that at lunch and dinner I would put two waters and two Dr. Peppers on my tray. Every. Single. Day. And, of course, there were the late night trips to the vending machines so I could just stay awake long enough to get that paper done...

My freshman year alone, glancing back at my checkbook, I had spent over $600 at the Subway across the street...and I can tell you what I had ordered each time: 6" Turkey Bacon with cheese, lettuce, onion, tons of pickles, mustard, mayo and salt and pepper on white...and a Dr. Pepper, of course. (I know now why that sandwich is bad for me in so many ways, but I honestly thought that the fact that I had ordered turkey and lettuce was a healthy choice.)

And one of the sad things...I can look back and remember dieting in high school, before any of this crazy college over-eating. And by "dieting" I mean, I would do one of two things: I would drink one of my dad's Ultra Slim-F*ast shakes for breakfast, or, having had become a Christian Mother's Day my freshman year in 1987, I would be oh so super spiritual and "fast." Lame-O! God and I both knew I wasn't fasting in the proper sense of the word. I wanted the scale to be good to me, plain and simple.

This morning I weighed 147. I can't believe I just typed that out in real life. This blog sucks. Anyway, that puts me just a little over 21 BMI. Two weeks ago I was 144 and 149 all in the same week. I also found out I am allergic to eggs, which I never knew, and it was reconfirmed that I need to avoid dairy. I've known about gluten for probably two years now.

Two and a half months ago, I was 139...it was that weight that I looked in the mirror and finally said to myself, "Wow. You look healthy." It was at that weight that I freaked out and didn't know how to be a healthy thin person again and therefore started self-sabotaging.

I don't have a specific number in mind right now. That's not what this is about. I know now as a health and nutrition hobbyist over the past 10+ years how to be a healthy person, how to make balanced meals, how to shop around the perimeter of the grocery store, avoid genetically modified foods, buy organic, eat fresh as much as possible, don't combine proteins and starches, limit starches and sugars, choosing whole foods over processed junk, taking probiotics and omegas, yada, yada, yada...I know all this stuff. Believe me. I know. I know. I know.

Now I just have to figure out why I've never really, truly ever loved myself...and start doing it.