Short Challenge

So, we leave for our 20th wedding anniversary trip to Spain in 11 days.

Once dias.  (pronounced, "Own say" and "dee oz")

Uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinco, seis, siete, ocho, nueve, diez, once...

20 years ago on my honeymoon I was so friggin' insecure about my body I was self-conscious in my bathing suit...and not in my bathing suit, but that other "suit" that starts with a "b."  Now, 20 years later, I love me.  It's been a journey, for sure, but I'm so much more comfortable in my own skin and confident in the woman God created me to be.  All that being said, I still want to be one sassy hot woman for my man in Espana...and for me!

Soooo, I selfishly want a support group, and would be MORE THAN EXCITED to also cheer you on.

It's simple.  Nothing extreme or long, and yes, we are approaching a weekend and have one more before we leave the morning of the 12th, but this is what I'm thinking:

• Starting August 1st, Move every. single. day.  Doesn't have to be long, just walk, bike, swim, Zumba, run, whatever, just move our bodies.
• Drink only water.
• Eat boat loads of COLORFUL veggies and lean proteins and good fats 90% of the time.
• Eat one to two pieces (servings) of fruit before 2pm.
• Lift heavy things or do resistance training 3-4x in those 11 days.  I'll be doing weights and squats and lunges, push-ups and pull-ups...
• Do Yoga or some really great stretching at least 2-3x in those 11 days...I have the P90X Yoga and a Rodney Yee one hour video...
• Journal how we feel, leave comments here (I'll post on weekdays for accountability's sake), ask questions, cheer one another on...or we can make a Facebook page, instead, let me know, too, called "Operation Hot Naked" I mean, "Operation Hot Spain"...even if you aren't going to Spain with me and Jason, and all...Or it could be called, "Clean Streak" or something catchier...thoughts?  It's only 11 days...

What does the 90% mean?  That means, 6 out of 7 days, love our bodies in a way that our food choices have to do with giving our bodies a source of energy and strength rather than "rewarding it" or "comforting it" with food that has multiple ingredients or comes from a box or bag...and on the one day of the 7, eat one or two meals where we just don't worry about it.  We can feast, but listen to our bodies and see how we feel after a whole week of eating well.  

So, I'm NOT a mathematician, but basically in the next 11 days, 3-4 of our meals would be "free" and this usually works best for me, at least, on weekends, and includes a little wine and chocolate, obviously.  

*I was already doing this challenge with my sweet friend who is going on her anniversary trip to Alaska at the end of August, but with it right around the corner, I'm all about team and cheering one another on...and selfishly leaning on YOU so I can stay strong!!!  

Anybody?  It's short!  It's doable.  AND IT WON'T HURT YOU!

Wanna????

CHOSEN

I was recently praying with a friend about my issues with food addiction and self-loathing.  I've known for a while that these were simply symptoms of deeper stuff.  Anyway, as my friend was praying for me, encouraging me to repeat what she was saying/praying, she said, "I nail food addiction to the Cross." 

This was easy for me to say...just check it off the list, yep, I can say that mentality.

"I nail food addiction to the Cross," I said...

Then, after a time of just sitting quietly before the Lord, she said, "I nail PERFECTION to the Cross."

Okay, so, those younger than me won’t know what the heck I’m talking about, but maybe 38 and older, do you remember "Happy Days" with the *Fonz?  Do you remember how he couldn't say "I was wrong"???   He would go, “I was wuu-uh-uh…I was wuu-uh-uh”  Well, it was like a long, drawn out 2 freaking minutes and me bawling on my knees for me to get the word "perfection" out of my mouth.

Sheesh.

Photo source unknown otherwise I would give credit to where credit is due...

Food addiction, self-loathing, discouragement, unrealistic goal-setting, never thinking I'm "good enough": all just symptoms of the underlying disease of PERFECTION.

Part of the prayer then was asking the Lord to specifically tell me what He wanted to give to me as a promise or word to replace "perfection."  Before I could even pray and ask Him, He put the word "chosen" on my heart.   It was so clear and eloquent in my head, it was awesome.   I've always said if a smarter thought comes to my mind than I could think of, it's God talking...and I should listen.

Imagine:  He chose me.  He chose you.   He designed us and hand-picked us, from the Beginning, just because He wanted to.  Not to be perfect.

Nope.  I’m no Mary Poppins.

He chose me simply to call me daughter.  Simply to express His love.  Me, chosen as an expression of His creativity.  You, the same!

I'm not going to lie.  Fighting perfectionism has been a weary battle.  Looking back over the years, the lines blur from when I just wanted to feel pretty to wanting to lose weight to desiring to be healthy to knowing too much about disease to wanting to eat clean.

Some days I feel free, others I'm so lost in the pursuit, I can't see the forest for the trees.

What I do know is God hasn't called me to be perfect.  I know this because I've quit reading books and blogs and websites about "clean eating" and started consuming Food that satisfies my cravings.  I literally sit down to my dining room table at the start of each day and symbolically feast on His Word.  This hasn't halted my first world problem of addiction, but it has put it into perspective and lessened its hold on me.

God is perfect, without flaw, not lacking in anything.  He's good at what He does.  He's good at Who He is.

So far I've sucked at perfection.  In fact, He is able to be seen more clearly in my life when I don't have my act together, or for sure, when I don't pretend to.  Because who am I kidding?  When I'm out of the way, you can actually see Him.

So, yeah, there's my dirty laundry.  My shameless pursuit.  Where the idea that I could be perfect in anything ever came from, well, if I travel back to a certain Garden, a seed may have been planted long ago.  I'm just thankful for this nauseating exposure while I'm still young.

I have the rest of my life to live imperfectly...


*Anyway, for your viewing pleasure and a bit of nostalgia, I present to you, Arthur Fonzarelli, aka, The Fonz...and Ralph Malph.  #happydays

It's in the Lyrics

I put out an APB for good, inspirational, intense songs to put on a running play list.  Friends came through for me and you should see me go.

In December I bought myself a really nice treadmill.  I am that person, or small percent of the population, who does actually enjoy using a treadmill as a tool of exercise rather than a clothes drying rack.  I think my bent towards "responsibility" on personality tests prevents me from allowing something that expensive to sit and gather dust.

And, if you know me, I hate running, but I really don't mind it on a treadmill.  It's kind of thrilling to keep hitting the speed button to see just how fast I can run.  I've always said, "Why run?  I'm not being chased."  But, I guess in case one day I am being chased, I should be in shape enough to get away!

I don't run far, and I'm not consistent.  But I do about 6mph for a mile or two and then walk for a bit.   Or if I have tons of energy and the music is just right, I'll do one minute sprints at 7 to 8mph with one minute in between at 3 mph where I try to re-enact this...



Don't even tell me you've never tried it!

These days I do whatever it takes to keep up my motivation.  I wear a t-shirt from my friend's company that says, "One Tough Mother."  And, even though it's not bright in my basement, I'll wear my "One Tough Mother" visor just for attitude.  And Nia Shanks keeps my eyes on the prize, too.  You do what you gotta do.

The music, though...oh, the music!  Seriously!  If you are in a rut of any sort, whether it's in the realm of exercise, motivation for school or a job or relationship, a dry spiritual rut where God seems distant, or you've just had it up to here with laundry and dishes or the day to day, music can be so pivotal, in either direction.  Choose it wisely!

It blows my mind to hear lyrics written by someone who doesn't know me from Adam, yet every word seems to be stolen from my very own heart.

This morning instead of sitting and "doing" my Bible study time, I sat and listened to several songs where the artists were singing about God.  Many songs are about our relationship with God and what He does for us or how we love Him, but most days I need to hear and dwell on songs that just focus on Him, His awesomeness, and how big He is.  #intentional #perspective

There are two points to this post.  Anything else you take away is a bonus, I guess...

ONE:  Get active.  Do something.  No matter how small, don't compare it to what someone else is doing, just begin by moving your body, whichever parts you are able to move, get them going.  Just move it, move it.  Have fun and don't take yourself too seriously!  The point of exercising is overall health and loving yourself, it's not about looking like a magazine model.

TWO:  Choose music wisely.  Associate good music with positive growth, in health, your walk with the Lord, and in other healthy relationships.  Throw your arms wide and sing at the top of your lungs that you are a "Firework" or do funky hand movements to Foster the People (*suggestions...it's not like I'VE done this, of course) wink wink.  If you are in a funk with God or need a personal revival, here's a song I put on replay about 76 times, for reals, until the words sunk into my heart and pointed my eyes in the right direction.  Music is a powerful motivator.

An Interview with Grace

I decided I'd like to hear the journeys of other people as it pertains to food, health, and wellness.

The truth is, we not only have different tastes, but each of us has our own reasons and inspirations for why we choose to make healthy lifestyle changes.

Weight loss aside, I put out a call on Facebook for anyone interested in sharing their current food story via a few interview questions.  I wanted to know if there were people "out there" who had recently made a dietary, lifestyle, or nutritional change, what their findings were, and if they would care to share with others.

You see, I may be passionate about eating clean because of the research I've done both on paper and through self-experimentation, but the truth is, I'm just passionate about ANY healthy change a person may make and the benefits they'll reap as a result.

Slicing for sushi rolls...eating clean can be fun and cheap at home...

Ryan and Em love sauteed broccoli with garlic and salt, plain or on top of a salad.

Yumminess from my garden last year.

A lady in my neighborhood cut out pop, for a month now, and has lost two pant sizes.  She now sips coconut water from a straw and enjoys it as her splurge during the day.  One.  Little.  Change.  But the benefits:  RICH!  Believe me, her blood is thanking her, not just her waistline!

So, here's an interview with my friend, Grace.  I met Grace Spirk Wilcox under shitty circumstances.  We met in a bereaved parents grief group through Children's Hospital.  NOT superfuntimes, but I'm so grateful to have met her and her husband, and to have learned the story of their sweet Sophia, January 6, 2006 - April 27, 2007.  She and her husband are loving, inspiring parents, and here as she shares part of her journey, I believe you will find she is also an inspiration to anyone interested in how food has changed her life in just a short amount of time.

• ·       What is your earliest memory of eating?  Do you associate any kind of feelings with food?

Interesting question on the earliest memories of food. I can't think of any...I always remember being chubby...in fact in my baby book one of my aunts says I was the fattest baby she had ever seen.  We always had meals together as a family and I don't ever remember there being chips, cookies, soda in our house on a regular basis. Because my mom worked and it was the 1970s, we ate a lot of boxed, processed, packaged stuff (chunk a la king chop suey in a can, anyone?)

• ·       Do you sit down when you eat?  Are you a fast or slow eater?

I do usually sit when I eat...we all eat together as a family at least dinner and most meals on the weekend, breakfast is usually grab and go for me.  I am a very fast eater and don't chew very well unless I stop and think about it.

• ·       Why have you chosen to change your way of eating, if even temporarily?

I was diagnosed with RA when pregnant with my daughter Sophia...my blood has never tested positive for RA and I don't have any joint damage, I've always been convinced it is something else.  But the RA meds work and the docs are never willing to explore any further.  For the past year I have been giving myself a shot of Enbrel once per week and felt great, then in November it just quit working and I got a flare that got worse every day. I didn't go to the rheumatologist because I knew there was nothing he could do but give me some Prednisone, which I never want to take again, one night when I was so miserable I couldn't sleep it occurred to me...no one was going to help me so if I didn't want to be miserable I had better try to take control.  I had been to homeopathic practitioners before, and some how I didn't find them better than the regular docs, they could help but I'd have to buy hundreds of dollars of supplements they sold....so I scoured the Internet. And finally found a page of a guy describing how his doc was helping all sorts of people with chronic disease just through diet.  He wasn't selling anything...he had a book, and published online.....FOR FREE!  His recommendation was to go back to these 7 basic foods for a week, eat nothing else and then add back foods one at a time...I did it and within a week I felt better than I have in years.

• ·       What things do you have in place for encouragement, motivation, or accountability?  (ie, friends, journaling, support group, etc…)

My husband and kids are incredibly supportive and I talk to my Mom (who is a holistic nurse practitioner with a wellness business in Kentucky). I am also journaling as well.

• ·       What is one significant dietary change you have made and what is one specific, measurable benefit you could share with those reading?

The significant dietary change I have made is I am eating very few foods and only whole foods.  I have yet to add back dairy, wheat or sugar.  My RA symptoms are gone and I did not take Enbrel this week for the first time. I've also lost about 12 lbs so far and have an amazing amount of energy.

• ·       What have you learned about yourself, your relationships, or God, during this time of eating differently, and/or fasting? What have you learned about food?

I have learned that my cravings weren't just a lack of will power but rather signs of an addiction that our body creates that counter intuitively keeps us eating the things that harms us the most.  I have also learned to trust myself.

• ·       Are there any permanent changes you would like to make to your health routine as a result of your findings?

This change will be permanent for me and I am interested to explore which foods cause me problems.  I am sure there will be bad days or days when I make less than stellar choices but I believe I can live a healthy life despite occasional failures.

From Grace:  Thanks for the opportunity to write that down.  I can't believe how good it made me feel!  

Grace, thank YOU for sharing some of your story!  We'd love to hear back from you over time, if you'd be willing to share, to hear how you are doing and how your symptoms are improving.  It's so great to see that you are learning to trust yourself!  That is HUGE!

Construction Zone

The verse I read and wrote down this morning, the first verse of the 14th Proverb.

My father was a professional builder.  He built both commercial and residential properties.  I remember his drafting table in his office, blue prints and sketches, job sites and sub-contractors.

I remember his company El Camino parked in the front drive many years growing up, as well as the much more palatable Suburban in later years.

A few times in high school I earned money by cleaning up some of his job sites on the weekends...he wouldn't let his three daughters there during the work week.

When other girls were solely looking at Teen Magazine, I was sketching floor plans and perusing the pages of Architectural Digest and Professional Builder Magazine.

Photo courtesy Pace EDU

And now we live in a new neighborhood where five years ago we lived in only the second house on the block.  I've been able to see the street fill in with homes and families, and see the different subs come and go with each phase of building.

It's really a fascinating process to see a home built from ideas and paper into a physical structure where memories are made and lives are lived, however empty or full.

There is so much beauty in how the Lord uses the imagery in scripture of our bodies being physical temples or buildings or structures meant to house His Spirit and presence.

God has me in the midst of a perfect storm, if you will, of books I am reading and scripture I am studying.  My word this year is INTENTION and I've been being intentional about time spent sitting at God's feet, studying His word, thanking Him for His many blessings, praying for whatever He puts on my heart, etc.

And I'm being INTENTIONAL about loving myself by filling my eyes and heart with food that really satisfies..."give us this day our daily bread..." not stuffing my gut with food that fills only temporarily.

Anyway, if the blue prints are wrong, they are sent back to the architect for tweaking.  If the electrician's portion of the job doesn't pass inspection, building is delayed until it's made right.

And even so,  even after a family has moved into a new home, things go wrong and need repairs.

Our lives, our temples, our day to day walks with God are similar, except much of the responsibility is on our shoulders.  We aren't puppets or robots, we are living creatures with the power of choice.

We are the builders.  Will we do what it takes to build a dwelling in which healthy life can take place, beautiful memories are made, and when others visit, they feel refreshed and encouraged?  OR, are our homes/temples/bodies dilapidated old shacks that are beyond renovation?

We have good friends who would say a hearty NO to that last question.  They bought a 100+ year old home soaked through with cat urine, stripped it to the bare minimum structure, and started again, building a fantastic property with character and charm.

Aren't you glad God is a Master Builder, and though our lives often times require remodeling and renovations due to time and wear and tear, when we bring to the job site the proper supplies and appropriate time frames for work and building, great shape and structure take form.

*How might you be INTENTIONAL today to take care of your house/temple/physical body?  Do you have a behavior you've become accustomed to that if it were translated into building lingo would look more like graffiti, bad peeling linoleum, smoke or water damage, or sledge hammer holes in the walls?  What changes can you make today, with INTENTION, that will boost the value and worth of your "home"?

Accountability

I know I haven't been here in a while.

I haven't felt like writing, one because I'm sick of the same old story.  Two because, for the most part, I'm doing well.  Three, because I don't feel like I'm really encouraging anyone else when I write here, so I'm kind of like, "What's the point?" if my journey through crap and healing doesn't help anyone but me, I'm not sure the point in having this blog.

There are plenty of recipe blogs out there, and that's not the point of this place, anyway.  And, being married to a guy who helps women and children in Third World Countries makes me nauseous that I even have ever struggled with putting food first, before God, and others.

There are some scriptures about fasting in the Bible.  One of the important elements of fasting is not doing it so others look on and "ooh and ahhh" over your outward spirituality.  As a result, I hesitated from writing a couple months ago about a fast that I did because I didn't want to draw attention to it.  However, I have to say, the benefits for my heart and mind were so encouraging, that I wanted to share a snippet with you here.

So, my struggle has NEVER been that I don't eat ENOUGH food, but too much, or really, just mindlessly...seeking something, whether comfort, instant gratification, consoling, in food, rather than in God alone.  The lines of food for comfort and food for sustenance have crossed and become a blur.  I was never good at fasting, if that's something you can actually be "good" at?  There was only one other time in my life I've fasted, one, for pure reasons, and two, where God literally provided all the energy I sought.  That was when Noah was in the hospital.

Anyway, in early August I did a week long fast of water and green juice, along with my daily supplements of a multi-vitamin, probiotics, and fish-oils.  I didn't want the week to end.  I wasn't hungry at all and each time I sat at the dining room table to read God's word, write, and pray, it was like a 5-course meal (gluten-free/dairy-free/egg-free, of course!)  Just kidding!

By Jean Fortunet (Own work) [CC-BY-1.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/1.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

And then the week ended, I had a good week or two, and then life started to creep in, slowly, here and there, lies, busyness, doubt, obsessive thoughts, and choice by choice, my mouth became a garbage can...not in the cool way, like, a cussing machine, have you, but just a place where I'd put food without thinking about it.

Thankfully I've been talking daily with God about this and have slowed down, laid it at His feet, and sought His face for the "Why?" of why I brat-ishly continue to put Him second to something as TEMPORARILY filling as food!!!!  And, on a practical side, I've literally SLOWED down my eating, smaller bites, sitting, actually thinking about what I'm doing rather than eating between running here and there or doing this or that.

All this to say, I'm doing a study on Daniel right now and I'm only on chapter 2.  Talk about knocking my socks off!  Good stuff!  And, of course, the first chapter talks about how Danny and his friends set themselves apart for God's purposes, spiritually, and also practically or physically, by NOT eating the king's food.  And, OF COURSE, they were found to be more physically fit and spiritually in tune.  You don't say...you mean cutting out the clutter and excess is actually beneficial?!  Duh (duh, to me...)

A wise saying I once heard and have quoted and quoted and quoted, is:

"Without accountability there is no motivation for change."

I'm sick of quoting it.  I want to live it.

I'm posting HERE for the rest of the story...

I'm So Weak that I am STRONG!

Wow!  Has it been over a month since I've been here?

Funny how during that time I've had great days and days where I still wrestle and battle with food, health, loving myself, choices.  And all the while I've tried to do so much on my own strength.  And for what?  So I could say, "Look at me!  I have amazing self-discipline!  I am a ROCK!  I am so strong!"

The truth is, every. single. time. I try to do ANYTHING on my own strength, I fail.  And epically, I must say.

When will I learn? 

Perfection is the Enemy.

Grace is the Gift.

When will I learn that doing life in my own strength then becomes a life about me?

And the only time "A Life All About Me" is acceptable is when a person hasn't received God's gracious love and forgiveness through what Christ did for us on the cross.

Yes, I said it.  Selfishness is expected from anyone who does not follow Christ.

However, selflessness or dying to self, is counter cultural, exactly what is meant to come with a life surrendered and laid down to God's bigger picture.  So, selfishness as a Christ-follower is unacceptable.

I'm grateful that each time I fall short and have lost sight, God is gracious.  And, He receives my heart again and again and again.

^{2 Corinthians 12:7-10} Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.

My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

When God made us in His image, we were perfect.

Since the Fall of man, we lost that luxury.  However, Satan's lies and relentless pursuit of us here on earth has been to deceive us that our goal is to be perfect in all things, or in anything.

Like Paul says above to the Corinthians, "Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size - (self) abuse, (colossal binge eating) accidents, (failure) opposition, bad breaks.  I just let Christ take over!  And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become!" (emphasis mine)

"On Becoming Fearless..."

I'm reading, "On Becoming Fearless," by Arianna Huffington.

She rocks.

The book rocks.

And pretty much she starts the book off with a chapter on loving yourself and your body.  No mincing, so beating around the bush.  Here's a quote:  "The most intimate relationship we'll ever have is with our own body.  It's the headquarters of our fears and anxieties.  It's also the cause of many of them.  Which is why we can never really be fearless until we stop judging our looks and accept them."

So, here's my personal apology to myself and to every other woman on earth I've ever compared myself to:

• I'm sorry I've been a hypocrite.  Sorry I've told you to stop comparing yourself while I've done it all along. 
• I apologize for saying I love you, while not loving myself, while quietly comparing myself to you, wishing I was more like you, therefore coveting your awesomeness.
• You are you on purpose.
• I am me on purpose.
• Self, I'm sorry I haven't ever been your biggest fan.  You really are great, and unique in many ways, so it's high time to start celebrating your individuality by embracing and celebrating the uniqueness in others.  
• I'm sorry I've looked at you in the mirror a zillion times and not complimented you.  Complimenting you isn't vanity.  It's embracing your uniqueness. 
• I realize that in comparing myself to you, even though I've thought it was an attempt at wishing I was more like you, I've discounted your gifts and strengths, and not genuinely delighted in them, but been jealous of them/you.  I really am sorry.
• I've enjoyed these last couple weeks with you.  You're pretty when you smile and laugh and aren't obsessing about that frigging scale and are literally just enjoying the moments with those around you...basically, you are pretty when you aren't obsessed with yourself...which is what your self-loathing has been disguised as...

And that's just chapter one...

Truth!

Hey, here's a picture/quote I found that pretty much sums up my post from yesterday!

Some may not appreciate the language, but why candy coat the truth, huh?

From The Sweaty Betties

Nuff said.

Have a great weekend!

Feeling Good!

I'm just over two weeks into this thing.

I feel good.

I feel clean.

In fact, my brain feels healthy and that is of utmost importance to me, even above and beyond my physical well-being.

I haven't followed each exercise day to a "T" but have done something active almost every day.  This past weekend we drove to South Dakota for a wedding and it rained for a majority of the time.  I didn't get out and walk like I thought I would, but we were so busy with wedding planning and preparation, I never had a chance to really sit, so I felt active.

South Dakota, as much as I love it, has historically been a place of overeating for me.  And over 21 years of many, many visits, I've allowed really fabulous memories of being surrounded by people I love dearly become intertwined with making poor food choices.  Every gathering centers around food and celebration, which is wonderful.  However, for the most part, the recipes have been high-carb, high-sugar, high-fat, allergy-laden, or just plain old out of proportion, for me.

Being on this cleanse and getting it into my head that I am allergic or sensitive to certain foods really empowered my mind to set the tone for the choices I made all weekend.  I wasn't sad that I was allergic to or avoiding a majority of the menus.  I was able to eat great meat, tons of veggies, and ample fruit throughout the weekend and am able to look back on the whole experience without one regret.

NOT ONE SINGLE REGRET.

For me, that is huge!  HUGE!

I hate regrets, especially when it pertains to food or excess intake of it, or a particular culprit.

Having a plan written out and a course of action in place for eating healthily has been a great help to me.  I encourage you.  You can make healthy choices.  It's not about how you look in the mirror...it's about stewardship.  We are given one physical body on this earth.  The one you are sitting in right now...that's it, baby.  Are you nurturing it with real life-giving foods or overloading it with "food" it does not comprehend, stuff found constantly in boxes, bags, and with dozens of "ingredients" you aren't able to pronounce?

It's about loving yourself.  If you eat that third piece of pie, you aren't "sticking it to the man" or giving an "in your face" to the person who hurt your heart.  They could care less if you are unhealthy.  You are only taxing your body, asking it to process two pieces more than it should.

It's about whether you can chase your kids at the park, fly kites with them, ride bikes, swim at the pool or lake with them and their friends, climb up into their beds to read at night, wrestle on the floor with them...

...and if you don't have kids, it's about being able to enjoy your friends, relationships, or spouse without obsessing about your back fat, taking a walk or going mountain biking or climbing together, canoeing, running, laughing, enjoying life together, instead of succumbing to being irritable, cranky, and feeling like heck because your brain is toxic from the wrong foods.

Just because I can't eat recipes with eggs, dairy, or gluten doesn't mean I missed out on anything this last weekend.

I actually got to take part and enjoy what mattered the most:  SPENDING TIME WITH SO MANY PEOPLE THAT I LOVE AND FOR WHOM I AM GRATEFUL.

*If you read this feeling sorry for me whatsoever, I would challenge you to start peeling off the layers in your own mind of what really matters and if you, indeed, have a food addiction.  If you believe I missed out on anything, food wise, I would challenge your thinking...

Gun Show

There's a gun show in town today.  

But yesterday, there were no guns.  No.  They were bat wings, Grandma-ish.  "Squishy, squishy," as Emily used to affectionately say.  

Nothing has changed since yesterday, to the eye, but I'm trying to love my arms...and by "love" them I mean, tough love, like Jillian Michaels, Tony Horton, boat loads of push-ups, dips, curls, type of love.  Not unconditional, accept-you-as-you-are love.

It's ridiculous, really.

It's a #FirstWorldProblem to have weight TO LOSE.

Let me repeat that statement:  It's a #FirstWorldProblem to have weight TO LOSE.

This isn't something with which women who walk 6 miles a day to gather water for their families will ever struggle.

And yet, there are moments, here and there, though fewer and farther between, where I wish my arms were just lean, already!

And I know.  I know, okay!  I am reading Voskamp's 1000 Gifts, and I know, blasted.

1.  Thank You, Lord, for arms, in general!  I lift them high and praise Your name!

I do not think about it all the time.  My thoughts, actually are getting better as I habitually practice the art of renewing my mind with God's word on a regular basis.  When I set two alarms for 5:30 am, there are no excuses...

That Guy sure has some great things to say, I tell ya.  He's super smart.  Like, way smarter than Einstein, even.  Like this, for example:

     "If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion.  There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body.  Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God.  And you count far more to him than birds.
     "Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller (or leaner arms) by so much as an inch?  All this time and money wasted on fashion - do you think it makes that much difference?  Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers.  They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it?  The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
     "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers - most of which are never even seen - don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?  What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving.  People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works.  Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions.  Don't worry about missing out.  You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."   - The Message, Matthew 6:25-33
(green parenthesis mine...)

30 years of mental un-doing is tough work.  It takes prayer, time literally changing my brain, and physical time.  It's the time part I'm learning...

And so, I am practicing thankfulness, gratitude, joy, and rest in knowing He made me, He loves me, He cares for me even more than the magnificent wildflowers that are covering the countryside in Colorado at this very moment...the ones Ryan and I see on our bike rides...because I have arms that are able to grip handle bars...and I have legs strong enough to pedal.  

And it's up to me to praise Him, to walk out of the gun show and focus on the Great and Glorious God.

Week Two, Baby!

I'm on week two of my cleanse and workout schedule.

I feel UH-MAZE-ing!  For reals, I have not had any cravings.  Last week I was a little tired, but I'm guessing that comes from my early morning hours reading and doing my workouts.

I've had tons of energy and a lot of my feelings/symptoms/bodily aches and pains are subsiding.  My hands were achy.  And my knees.  And I was irritable.  And moody.  Did I mention bloated, gassy, and the fact that none of my jeans were fitting...not even the pair I bought a month ago as my "10 lbs, give or a take a few, jeans..."

Here is the run down:  Each morning I have hot lemon water with a little Stevia.  This gets the liver going.  I read my Bible and pray.  I usually have a bit of lean protein in meat form at this time, too.  Then I go to the basement and do my workout of the day.  Head up to shower, get ready and get kiddos and hubster up and going and out the door.  He's helpful with this, so I won't pretend I do it all on my own.  He's stellar!  Then each morning I am drinking my green drink.  I also have hot tea throughout the day because I'm wimpy and am always cold.  This is usually a green tea or herbal tea from Yogi or Medicinals.  I eat fruit, green veggies, and a lean protein for lunch.  I also eat this for dinner.  Sometimes I'll have a piece of fruit or more veggies as a snack, but I haven't been that hungry.

Keep in mind, for the next 2ish months, I am not eating ANY of my allergens, sensitivities, or sugars, so, for me that means NO:

• gluten
• dairy
• eggs
• corn
• potatoes
• grains
• sugary fruits (ie, bananas, pineapple, grapes...)
• nuts or seeds
• fats other than fish oils

That leaves a lot, people.  This is a first world problem to be able to even say, "Oh, I'm eliminating certain foods from my diet..."  People in the third world do not have this luxury, so I would challenge you to challenge your own perspective.

I finally had to give myself a "Snap out of it!" talk and it worked...

In September when I do start introducing foods like grains or sugars once in a while, I'm approaching it more like Laura Ingalls Wilder and the days of old.  They did not go to the store every day or even every week and buy a package of crap filled cookies with ingredients that included numbers and chemical compounds.  Instead, they went to the bakery once in a while and got ONE special treat.  

• One cookie.
• One cupcake.
• One pie to share with their whole family for a special occasion.
• One piece of candy on their trip into town with Pa.

We all boast about how our great-grandparents lived long lives eating beef and potatoes, real cream and eggs every day.  We forget they didn't have boxes and bags of chemically formulated foods laden with sugar and maxi-carbs pouring down their throats.  

They worked their arses off, got a heckofalot more exercise than the average person these days, and they ate whole foods.  Not at Whole Foods, this doesn't have to be expensive, but actual food...like as close to the way God created it in the first place.

*How far away from it's original design is the food you are feeding your body and giving to your children?  What small changes can you make to start incorporating healthier choices into your routine every day?

Motivation

So, it's only 3:23 pm and I am exhausted.  I just woke up from a small cat nap in the hammock.

70 degrees + Colorado + sunshine + 1 hammock + a great book = a bit of bliss (and an inability to keep my eyes open..)

Florence and the Machine brought me back to life as I finished the dishes and snapped out of my reverie.

Anyway, the tiredness is no doubt a result of greeting the sunrise today, as I posted on my "Cleanse/Detox Schedule."  But I'm not complaining.  When I write things down, I do them.  Somehow it takes the commitment from simply verbal or intentional to action on a greater plane.

Maybe that works for you, maybe not.  But when I decide something, commit my heart and will to it, and then WRITE IT DOWN, it motivates me.

As a result, I had some sweet time reading my new Remix version of The Message, given to me by my loving daughter, handsome son, and insanely faithful husband.  I multi-tasked this time with a cup of hot lemon water in my favorite mug.  And by "multi-tasked" I mean, hot lemon water activates your liver to start doing its job for the day.  This time went longer than expected, but spending time with the Lord doesn't ever suck, so I went with it.

However, it did not keep me from doing the inevitable:  taking my measurements.

I jotted them down, but with excitement rather than contempt.  This is a big step for me, people, because I know I've gained weight as a result of not making healthy choices and not being sweet to my body, so previously I probably would have dreaded taking measurements.

But today I woke up motivated, excited, and determined to show myself love by first fueling with God's word, then making healthy choices for living.

Still not sure if I have the balls to post a "before" picture, but I will share something I found quite fascinating.  I made a Word document with four columns of my measurements I recorded over the last year and a half.  It's pretty cool, even if my measurements from today show I've gained several inches around my body.

10/23/10

Wt:  170.4
Neck:  13 1/2
Rt. Arm:  14
Chest:  38
Waist:  31 1/2
Stomach:  38 1/2
Hips:  40
Rt. Thigh:  25
Rt. Calf:  15 1/2
Rt. Ankle:  8 1/2

7/19/11

Wt:  145.0
Neck:  13 1/4
Rt. Arm:  13
Chest:  37
Waist:  29
Stomach:  34
Hips:  36 1/4
Rt. Thigh:  23
Rt. Calf:  14 1/2
Rt. Ankle:  8 1/2

8/30/11

Wt:  131.2
Neck:  12 1/4
Rt. Arm:  11 1/2
Chest:  34
Waist:  26
Stomach:  29 1/2
Hips:  34 1/2
Rt. Thigh:  21
Rt. Calf:  14
Rt. Ankle: 8

5/14/12

Wt:  139.6
Neck:  13
Rt. Arm:  12 1/2
Chest:  38
Waist:  29 1/2
Stomach:  34 1/2
Hips:  35 1/2
Rt. Thigh:  23
Rt. Calf:  14 1/4
Rt. Ankle:  8

My goals include losing several inches off my arms, thighs, chest, waist, and stomach.  When I cleaned up my act which reflects the results from 8/30/11, I did not do any sort of exercise.  I can't wait to have pipes and be strong, full of muscle and tons of energy.  Mostly, I am looking forward to a mind which is whole and healed as a result of prayer and feeding my body and brain whole foods.

Will you be joining me on this journey?

Monday, Monday

La la la la la la

Monday, the day after Mother's Day, I'll be embarking on this...

Feel free to join me, make your own, or just cheer me on.

And if you do join in, tweaking it to fit your life and allergens, leave comments and insight that will help motivate others.

Have a great weekend!  I'm going to eat like a Queen!  Or at least, I'm going to have a little wine and chocolate before the big cleanse :)

Deeply Rooted

The new Me

The Me I've always known I could be

The Me that's hidden deep within
-under shame
-shallow sin

It's time to live
-time to breathe
-walk out
-walk bold
-not break in the breeze

Stand tall, live large

A tree, planted long ago
-secure and strong
-deeply rooted
-seeking life from The Source

Nourishment, true Nourishment

The Son
-feeding me
-warming me
-filling me with light

Nutrients to every cell

I am free!

Free to grow, breathe, drink, dwell deeply

A tree planted by the Master Gardener, meant to grow and thrive
-to clap my hands
-to wave my branches
-meant to bend, not break, in the breeze

A planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor!

He gives life to me so I am able to give life to others.

I am a tree, grafted into the Vine.

*As I lounged in my hammock today in the perfect Colorado sun, inspired by God's goodness and grace, and Prochaska's Cycle of Addiction, I was journaling a plan, a POA or "Plan of Action" if you will, for how to move forward from here, one day at a time.  You see, last time I did a detox, cleanse or hCG, I never had a POA for how I was going to proceed once my body felt clean and detoxified.  I've been eating all of my culprit foods lately, and I feel lousy.  And today, in my hammock, I was quite over it.  So, I pulled out a journal and started writing...writing about which foods make me feel sick, weak, bloated, achy, miserable...and then wrote WHY?  Why would I eat them if I already KNOW they don't bring me life?  It was a freeing exercise, because I not only wrote the foods that make me feel like crap, but I wrote all the foods that make me feel great!  NOT EMOTIONALLY GREAT, BUT PHYSICALLY GREAT!  THE LATTER IS WHAT MATTERS MOST TO ME!  Like veggies, and veggies, and fish and chicken and beef, and more veggies, and only certain fruits, and more veggies, but not every veggie.  Anyway, as I wrote the picture of a beautiful tree came to my heart...and the above writing is what resulted from it.

More Like You

I wish I were more like you.

Your silence is deafening...the way you carry yourself without words.  They speak volumes to me...that you, indeed, live a life without struggles, insecurities...sin.

I wish I were more like you…

...because you don't seem to have any problems.

You seem to have your act together 98% of the time, and the other 2% are passed off or softened through sarcasm.  I get that.  I try to laugh at myself, too.  

I do not share with you those things with which I wrestle in the dark, and in the solitude.  Not because I don't want to, but because, clearly, you would not understand, seeing as how you have no problems, and all...

If I were more like you, than I would be less like me.

A girl who is no longer a girl but often times wishes she was, just so she could go back to simpler times when grown ups told her what to eat, when to hop in the shower, that bedtime was approaching...and the prayers were prayed over her rather than feeling the weight of praying the prayers in order to stop the madness which sometimes swirls in this 40 year old brain.

If I was more like you, I imagine my life would be easier, more beautiful, less confusing...because that's how you portray it, at least.

Check "Yes" or "No" if this is not the case.

Your leading role in this life as a person who struggles with nothing is a command performance. We all want to know just how you do it.  We'd appreciate a copy of your script.  We would love to play along...

I'm afraid to tell you when I fail.  Failure is unbecoming.  You might think less of me.  Would it take me back to square one in your eyes, or would you see it just as a blip in my journey?

To see it as only a blip in my journey would be the kind of Grace I know is extended to me every single day.  However, as much as I try to see myself with Your eyes, on this particular day, and on this leg of the journey, one day of failure is epic.  

I wish I were more like You.  

Because then I would be less like me.

Whatever You Want to Tell Yourself...

"I'm good enough...


I'm smart enough...


And by golly, people like me.



I'm good enough...


I'm smart enough...


And by golly, people like me.



I'm good enough...


I'm smart enough...


And by golly, people like me.



I'm good enough...


I'm smart enough...


And by golly, people like me."


But no matter what, God's totally in love with me.  He always has been and always will be.  He made me, on purpose, for His purpose.  And when He looks at me, and sees me looking at myself in a mirror, despising my own reflection, He sees something I am unable to see.


He sees beauty.  He sees His workmanship.  He does not see perfection, yet He sees a reflection of Himself.


I want to see that, too.


Not a reflection of beauty the way the world defines it, but beautiful the way a 60 year old American Red Maple tree is still breathtaking even after its leaves have fallen before the winter.  A tree is beautiful, in different ways, in every season...


Sometimes, whether we believe it or not, we just have to tell ourselves we are beautiful, lovely, worth the effort.  I know that if I look in the mirror every morning and silently throw daggers at my own reflection, I'll start believing what I see is unlovely.  I'll start believing lies...


However, if the affirmations of Stewart Smalley at least cause my lips to curl up into a smile and laugh at myself, well, whatever I need to tell myself to lift my heart out of a slump, I'll do it.


What I see in the mirror isn't faith.  It's a reality with which I am struggling to reconcile.  Why can't I love me for just being me?  Why do I have unconditional love for others but not extend it to myself?


What I hope for, and in Whom I place my trust...that is faith.


And to stand in front of the mirror, or before I even place my feet on the floor in the morning, if I say, "Good morning, Lord!  I love You!  I trust You!  Thank You for making me!  I am beautiful and I love myself!" well, I'd say, that's a step in the right direction!


You see, God's Truth NEVER changes.  It's my heart that needs to line up with His reality.  And His reality is:  when He made me, He said it was good...


*What TRUTH do you need to tell yourself in order to break through the wall or barrier that is holding you back from being all you were designed to be?

Ladies Night Out!

And by "Ladies Night Out!" I mean:  a weekly women's only group therapy session I am attending for a total of eight weeks with a bunch of strangers.

It was really funny, I must say.  My neighbor was literally shocked that I go to counseling.

What is the stigma?  How "jacked up" does one have to be in order to qualify?  Don't we all have baggage or faulty thinking or skeletons in our closets or hurts/wounds that may have scarred over but have healed pretty ugly?

Maybe not?  *shrug*  I don't know.  All I know is, I got problems.   Hello!

But what if people actually went to counseling BEFORE they were totally messed up or unhealthy patterns, thought processes or behaviors set in?  What a friggin' novel idea!  Wish I had thought of that 30+ friggin' years ago. 

Prevention.  Huh.


So last night, at Ladies Night Out, no, it's not called that...anyway, last night was friggin' amazing!

For reals!  Uh.  Maze.  Ing!

I don't even have room here to blog all about it, but maybe I'll share it in a series.  Yeah, that's it.  I'll do that.

Okay, so our counselor gave us this hand-out by Prochaska & DiClemente called the Stages of Change.  Now, you may remember this from your college Psych 101 class.  I, however, though I likely studied it way back when, only did so for a test or paper...and sadly never applied it to my life.  Huh.

You mean this was all preventable?!  Probably notsomuch...

Anyway, did you go look at the hand-out?  I'll wait... *drumming fingers*

Okay, so, if you were to read it from the top of the cycle at "Pre-contemplation" and then follow the arrows clockwise, over the last year as I worked my butt off to be a new, healthy thin person, I went through the cycle up until "Maintenance."  At "Maintenance" I reached my 25 year goal of "losing those last 10 lbs" but not only that, did it in a way that was healthy and changed the way I not only viewed food and nutrition but how I viewed and loved myself.

And I did it for me.  At least I thought I did... And it was good.

But then, I didn't really know what to do.  Talking one on one with my counselor a few weeks back, she said, "It was like you accomplished your goal, so just checked it off your list of to-do's and moved onto the next item."  She was exactly right!  I told her that a year ago when I started this journey toward health and finally losing unwanted fat I wished I would have had a "What now?" or "Maintenance plan" in place.  What a helpful tool this chart would have been last summer/fall.

The positive side of this chart is the "Upward Spiral" in the center.  It says, "Learn from each relapse."  And, looking back on my life, I realize I've traveled this "Transtheoretical Model of the Stages of Change" many a time.  And each time, apparently through the process of relapse, I did learn a bit more about healthy eating, balanced lifestyle, whole foods, the mind game and weight loss, what my allergies and sensitivities are, how my body reacts to certain foods, which ones I should avoid and on which ones my body thrives..."How I'll do it better next time," if you will.

But, not until I was on the cusp of turning 40 friggin' years old (I'm not "friggin'" about the number...just in awe and a little crusty that it took sooooo long to learn this particular piece...) did the "Relapse" send me into a new spiral of learning what I've needed to learn this whole friggin' time.

And that is:

TO FRIGGIN' LOVE MYSELF!

REAL LOVE.

LIKE THE KIND OF LOVE GOD DESIGNED.

TRUE LOVE.

So yeah.  I knew in my heart 2012 was going to be a good year.  I had NO friggin' idea it would be the year I'd finally fall in love with ME!  And I will ABSOLUTELY explain this in another post...because I know I am not the only one out there that has felt friggin' GUILTY or AFRAID of those words that God Almighty of the Whole Wide World Who loves us commands us to do...because it's so much more "righteous" and "spiritual" and "humble" to love our neighbors, but not ourselves.   

Except.  That.  Is.  Not.  What.  HE SAID!