This was easy for me to say...just check it off the list, yep, I can say that mentality.
"I nail food addiction to the Cross," I said...
Then, after a time of just sitting quietly before the Lord, she said, "I nail PERFECTION to the Cross."
Okay, so, those younger than me won’t know what the heck I’m talking about, but maybe 38 and older, do you remember "Happy Days" with the *Fonz? Do you remember how he couldn't say "I was wrong"??? He would go, “I was wuu-uh-uh…I was wuu-uh-uh” Well, it was like a long, drawn out 2 freaking minutes and me bawling on my knees for me to get the word "perfection" out of my mouth.
|Photo source unknown otherwise I would give credit to where credit is due...|
Food addiction, self-loathing, discouragement, unrealistic goal-setting, never thinking I'm "good enough": all just symptoms of the underlying disease of PERFECTION.
Part of the prayer then was asking the Lord to specifically tell me what He wanted to give to me as a promise or word to replace "perfection." Before I could even pray and ask Him, He put the word "chosen" on my heart. It was so clear and eloquent in my head, it was awesome. I've always said if a smarter thought comes to my mind than I could think of, it's God talking...and I should listen.
Imagine: He chose me. He chose you. He designed us and hand-picked us, from the Beginning, just because He wanted to. Not to be perfect.
Nope. I’m no Mary Poppins.
He chose me simply to call me daughter. Simply to express His love. Me, chosen as an expression of His creativity. You, the same!
I'm not going to lie. Fighting perfectionism has been a weary battle. Looking back over the years, the lines blur from when I just wanted to feel pretty to wanting to lose weight to desiring to be healthy to knowing too much about disease to wanting to eat clean.
Some days I feel free, others I'm so lost in the pursuit, I can't see the forest for the trees.
What I do know is God hasn't called me to be perfect. I know this because I've quit reading books and blogs and websites about "clean eating" and started consuming Food that satisfies my cravings. I literally sit down to my dining room table at the start of each day and symbolically feast on His Word. This hasn't halted my first world problem of addiction, but it has put it into perspective and lessened its hold on me.
God is perfect, without flaw, not lacking in anything. He's good at what He does. He's good at Who He is.
So far I've sucked at perfection. In fact, He is able to be seen more clearly in my life when I don't have my act together, or for sure, when I don't pretend to. Because who am I kidding? When I'm out of the way, you can actually see Him.
So, yeah, there's my dirty laundry. My shameless pursuit. Where the idea that I could be perfect in anything ever came from, well, if I travel back to a certain Garden, a seed may have been planted long ago. I'm just thankful for this nauseating exposure while I'm still young.
I have the rest of my life to live imperfectly...
*Anyway, for your viewing pleasure and a bit of nostalgia, I present to you, Arthur Fonzarelli, aka, The Fonz...and Ralph Malph. #happydays