I played at a splash park with my kids. In my bathing suit. Without a cover-up.
In public.
Even crazier than that, I ran full speed through the grass in my bathing suit, chasing my screaming/laughing toddler as he fled my water gun assault, all the while yelling, "More, Mommy, more!"
In the far distance is Em in her striped bathing suit, I'm the only mom in the fountain with the aqua suit, Anthony is almost engulfed in a geyser, and Ry is positioned to shoot Miss Gina, who did not ask his mommy for permission to take pictures ;)
Sunny day collage with Gina and Anthony.
And the craziest of the craziest part of it all: I felt free! I didn't care. My thighs were flapping in the sun, but it was warm. Emily was chasing me as I chased Ryan and we were all laughing and playing and having what a majority of people would call fun.
And it was good.
I did experience a total sinus flush when Em and I ran through the fountains, but even then I didn't care. Instead of quitting, I stepped aside, got my bearings, did a fantastic farmer blow, and went back through the fountain. With my daughter. Because she wanted to play with her mom...and I wasn't being a lame-o, as I've been so many times in the past, sitting there, caring that my thighs don't look Photo shopped in real life.
I played with my kids. I mean, I play with my kids every day. But this time, I played with them in a bathing suit.
*If you even know what the heck I'm talking about*, then you know this was a step in the right direction on the road to freedom.
I hope you'll join me on this freedom road. There is laughter and weightlessness here. It's called living. Profound.
The verse I read and wrote down this morning, the first verse of the 14th Proverb.
My father was a professional builder. He built both commercial and residential properties. I remember his drafting table in his office, blue prints and sketches, job sites and sub-contractors.
I remember his company El Camino parked in the front drive many years growing up, as well as the much more palatable Suburban in later years.
A few times in high school I earned money by cleaning up some of his job sites on the weekends...he wouldn't let his three daughters there during the work week.
When other girls were solely looking at Teen Magazine, I was sketching floor plans and perusing the pages of Architectural Digest and Professional Builder Magazine.
Photo courtesy Pace EDU
And now we live in a new neighborhood where five years ago we lived in only the second house on the block. I've been able to see the street fill in with homes and families, and see the different subs come and go with each phase of building.
It's really a fascinating process to see a home built from ideas and paper into a physical structure where memories are made and lives are lived, however empty or full.
There is so much beauty in how the Lord uses the imagery in scripture of our bodies being physical temples or buildings or structures meant to house His Spirit and presence.
God has me in the midst of a perfect storm, if you will, of books I am reading and scripture I am studying. My word this year is INTENTION and I've been being intentional about time spent sitting at God's feet, studying His word, thanking Him for His many blessings, praying for whatever He puts on my heart, etc.
And I'm being INTENTIONAL about loving myself by filling my eyes and heart with food that really satisfies..."give us this day our daily bread..." not stuffing my gut with food that fills only temporarily.
Anyway, if the blue prints are wrong, they are sent back to the architect for tweaking. If the electrician's portion of the job doesn't pass inspection, building is delayed until it's made right.
And even so, even after a family has moved into a new home, things go wrong and need repairs.
Our lives, our temples, our day to day walks with God are similar, except much of the responsibility is on our shoulders. We aren't puppets or robots, we are living creatures with the power of choice.
We are the builders. Will we do what it takes to build a dwelling in which healthy life can take place, beautiful memories are made, and when others visit, they feel refreshed and encouraged? OR, are our homes/temples/bodies dilapidated old shacks that are beyond renovation?
We have good friends who would say a hearty NO to that last question. They bought a 100+ year old home soaked through with cat urine, stripped it to the bare minimum structure, and started again, building a fantastic property with character and charm.
Aren't you glad God is a Master Builder, and though our lives often times require remodeling and renovations due to time and wear and tear, when we bring to the job site the proper supplies and appropriate time frames for work and building, great shape and structure take form.
*How might you be INTENTIONAL today to take care of your house/temple/physical body? Do you have a behavior you've become accustomed to that if it were translated into building lingo would look more like graffiti, bad peeling linoleum, smoke or water damage, or sledge hammer holes in the walls? What changes can you make today, with INTENTION, that will boost the value and worth of your "home"?
The book I'm reading, "Stop Eating Your Heart Out," one, is totally awesome, and two, has assignments or exercises for 21 days, or you can spread it out over a longer period of time. Anyway, the first exercise is to write out your food history.
Boy, that was fun. Actually, I've done quite a bit of it here on "Confessions of a 2nd Grade Closet Eater" but I tried to go back chronologically from my very first memory of food and move forward from there. It was a compelling exercise and brought to light some of the reasons I have chosen eating or food in general, over true nourishment.
Here are a few thoughts I wrote down in no particular order, some good, others notsomuch, and without a grammatical care in the world:
"Clean your plate. There are starving kids in Africa."
We ate meals together as a family, and I liked that...
Latchkey kid who ate crap while no one was looking because I think I was afraid or alone...Hershey syrup on saltines.
My mom made balanced meals with veggies and protein.
I loved going to my best friend's house for dinner b/c they ate at Taco Bell and McDonald's a lot.
I ordered cheeseburgers and Shirley Temples whenever we went to a restaurant...that is, until I tasted fresh crab legs.
We made homemade cookies together. My mom didn't buy them. I liked that.
My mom packed healthy lunches. In junior high I would sometimes throw my food in the trash and buy french fries and chocolate shakes.
I remember in elementary school sitting on the toilet counting fat rolls on my belly, even though my arms and legs were long and lean. Always had a round face. (*this was enlightening in regard to my gluten/dairy/egg allergy and all I know about it NOW!)
In High School I NEVER, EVER, EVER drank pop. It was my "thing" I guess. I cleaned up my eating somewhat and was involved in sports, so ate more for strength. What a concept?
I started dieting in 9th grade with bouts of Slim Fast shakes and weeks of Weight Watcher menus.
"Don't eat that. It will make you fat."
Though I ate junk openly all growing up, the effects and conversation about it was more focused on weight/fat/appearance rather than avoiding certain foods for health and nutrition reasons.
Gross: in elementary school my big sister and I would fight over who got to gnaw on the juicy steak bone at my grandparents house...ewwww.
In college at SAGA I lined up 2 waters and 2 Dr. Peppers across my tray at lunch and dinner. I would also eat a Twix bar almost every day and Little Debbie shit at 11:00 at night on Mondays at Hall Meeting...the "Snack Chairwoman" would be BEAT if she forgot our carbs...
When I crave it's always sugar and carbs, treats, "rewards", the forbidden foods - like forbidden fruit?
In High School my grandparents told me they were worried about my weight (remember round face). Who knew all along I was eating all my allergens?! I have been 5'9ish since high school and weighed 140 when I graduated...and my grandparents were worried about my weight?! Nice! $%^&* If that doesn't mess with a teenage girls' heart, I don't know what does. Looking back, I wasn't actually FAT until I worked at NWC and ate dorm food like one of the kids!
Anyway, there are more and more nuggets I wrote down, but it's a good exercise to simply write your heart out on paper. There's also an exercise to write a food journal in the book, which has been easy this last week while fasting :) Ummm, liquids or veggies.
Without further ado, here's day 6. (*I'll post day 5 prior to 6 so you can see, if any, changes. Also, note, now that we are back in full swing of a school schedule, my first-thing-in-the-morning pictures are literally first-thing...like, uber early, so who knows if this experiment will show healthy benefits or just that I'm getting old ;) )
Day 5
Day 6...and I promise that is a different white t-shirt! I have 4! Which is a #firstworldproblem but that's another post...when I said early, I mean, there may be bags :) My sinuses are totally CLEAR! No stuck joints this morning. And, I did my lower body "Lift Like a Girl" program with craploads of energy! Even extra reps...
I'll leave you with this, from a scripture card my friend printed and laminated for me years ago which I keep on my jewelry box sitting in my closet:
"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you." Psalm 63:3-5 NIV
Here it is in the Message:
"God - you're my God! I can't get enough of you! I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God, traveling across dry and weary deserts. So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, drinking in your strength and glory. In your generous love I am really living at last! My lips brim praises like fountains. I bless you every time I take a breath; My arms wave like banners of praise to you."
Have you heard of the phenomena of when a person loses an appendage they often have ghost feelings that their missing limb is still there?
In the last year and a half I lost 45 lbs.
I have collar bones and knee caps.
When I don't eat my allergens, I have hip bones.
Apparently they were always there, just coated under layers of layers of layers.
I can still remember one day in 1981 when I was sitting on the toilet at home around 3:05 pm.
I was a latch-key kid, getting home about an hour or so earlier than my big sister. Also, in elementary school I would never use the bathroom at school. And by "never" I mean, not ever. I didn't want anyone to hear me tinkle. And I certainly would have died if anyone heard me plop. I literally just went in there, as all teachers knew we did in the 80's, to comb my feathered hair.
Anyway, as I was rushing up to our front door, chucking my book bag on the ground, squirming, twisting, legs crossed while trying to unlock the door and unbutton my Calvin Klein jeans (nothing came between me and my CK's...) the lock and key finally cooperated.
With the door flung wide, despite all the mad rapists and murderers in suburban Mesa, Arizona, (I had watched too much nightly news) I ran into the house to the bathroom and stood before the toilet, trying to peel off my jeans.
And suddenly I had this warm feeling come over me. At least, it came over the bottom half of me.
Something had, indeed, come between me and my Calvin Klein's.
Somehow I was able to pinch it, peel off my jeans and sit and finish what I had started.
And as I sat there, as I had done time and again, I began to count:
one
two
three
four
five
Five.
Five rolls of belly fat. Going from smallest to biggest as they cascaded down my abdomen.
Yes, I remember this from 1981, and it makes me a little sad to know I wasn't counting squares of toilet paper or making designs out of the drywall patterns instead of what I would do each and every time I sat down on the toilet.
(Don't worry. Remember, I've been in and out of counseling...it's okay)
All that to say, my earliest memories have always included some excess folds. My mind remembers back fat and flappy upper arms and the comment a college friend said when she saw cellulite on my calves.
But sometimes, most of the time, my eyes and mind do not communicate. At least of late. And I sense those 45 lbs still there, even though the majority of them are not.
It's like there's ghost fat rolls I can still count. Like I'm a fat amputee trying to learn life without fat as an appendage.
And I know it sounds strange. But when, for years, you've carried extra weight and then it is suddenly (not instantaneously, but seemingly) gone, I really do believe it takes your mind a while to catch up with the new physical you.
This is the leg of the journey I find myself on right now. I'm praying and trusting God to help my mind and my eyes and my reality line up...
Anyway, on my "Diet Reviews" page I talk about hCG. At least for me, maybe other hCGers would disagree, but for me, "hCG" is always a thought in the back of my head whenever I spin out of control or "tip the scale." And by a "thought that has lurked" over the last year, I literally mean, is has plagued my mind until very recently, numerous times throughout the day.
So, I've been praying about it. Not praying if I should do it again or not or flaky praying like, "Oh dear Jesus, since I keep thinking about it, it must be a sign from You telling me to do hCG..." Not that kind of praying.
Praying for God to take those plaguing thoughts AWAY and replace them with loving thoughts toward myself.
I'm not kidding. In the course of one day, I saw two license plates with HCG as the three final letters. There's no telling what the Enemy of our hearts will do to monopolize our thoughts from living freely and focusing on things that are more important than thighs that "HIGH-FIVE" every time they cross paths! I REALIZE THIS! THERE ARE STARVING PEOPLE AND SLAVE-TRAFFICKED CHILDREN AND WOMEN BEING ABUSED BY THEIR HUSBANDS AND LOTS OF MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN THE WORLD...THAT'S WHY IT'S BEEN FRUSTRATING TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS CONTINUALLY BE AT MY DOORSTEP!
hCG was a great jump start for me, especially to figure out my food sensitivities, but I tell you what. The structure. The results. I mean, I hadn't seen my triceps EVER and who knew the lunges I had done for years on freaking end had really produced muscles in my thighs since there was still a coating of fat covering them? Who knew?!
So, all that to say, in the last 3 months as I've gone up and down 10 to 15 pounds, hCG has been my mental scapegoat, thinking to myself, "Well, if I can't get my act together, I can always do that...one more time..."
But, BUT, BUTTTTTTTT! I want to tell you! The discouragement was only part of the picture and I knew in my heart doing hCG one more time was NOT the answer.
Literally, Jesus was. Is. The. Answer.
No more excuses. No more abusing my body by bingeing and then wallowing in shame and guilt. Which, here's an acronym I learned recently to describe the mentality and faulty thinking which lies deep beneath a BINGE:
Believing I'm Not Good Enough
The morning after Easter I woke up feeling a freedom I'm not so sure I've ever felt. I had eaten way too much, and consumed several of my allergens on Easter so felt horribly, both physically and emotionally, when I had gone to bed Sunday night. I had even planned to just head out and buy "one more bottle of hCG" just to snap out of it. Just to "get your friggin' act together, Adrienne!"
But, Monday morning I woke up free.
Eff.
Arr.
Eee.
Eee.
FREE!
I wasn't hungry. I wasn't thinking about food. I crept quietly to the kitchen where I keep my Bible on my desk and opened it to feast for a bit. I sat quietly with the Lord and thanked Him for the sense of renewal and that my thoughts were literally clear from all things hCG.
And, all week, I have walked in this freedom. None of my circumstances have changed. I'm still working upwards of 80 hours a week coordinating my non-profit organization to get it off the ground to host a Midwest retreat in less than two months. (If you live in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa or anywhere around the Midwest, here's a link. )
Anyway, my point in sharing is this: God gets all the glory in this. I have tried, and tried, and tried, and tried my whole life, with my own strength, and my own effort, and failed miserably. Every. Single. Time.
I finally stopped asking God to bless my effort.
I don't have time to selfishly allow food to consume my thoughts. There is too much to do in the world and I have way too many dreams to allow an addiction to hold me back.
It seems as I am learning to love myself God is showing me more and more how He's loved me this whole time, even when I hated myself the most...
*What are your dreams? What do you think is holding you back from running with the dreams the Lord literally put into your DNA?! Are they worth the addiction?!
We've all heard it before, "Never judge a book by its cover." But let's be honest, we do.
I'm not going to lie, sometimes I pick up a bottle of wine because I like the font or pretty picture or artistic expression or even the country represented on the label. Clearly I'm not a professional sommelier. I don't always do this, mind you :)
And what about first impressions? What about those, huh?
Do you size people up from your first encounter with them?
We all have. We think, "I don't have anything in common with that person..." And truth is, we don't, because we never discovered that we actually do have 17 things in common. 17 is a lot, but we never even got to 1 because we gave them the up and down look and assumed either we were better than them or they better than us.
I wear my black workout pants at least 6 out of 7 days a week. I'll be honest, I put on my black leisure suit, I mean work out clothes, to motivate myself to hopefully get a workout in that day. I don't wear them all day long, you know, because I do shower once in a while, but, if you happen to run into me on consecutive days, at random times, it's quite possible you'll see me in my black Adidas "mom" outfit and think: A, I only have one outfit in my life, B I'm super athletic and have the vitals of an Olympic athlete, C I never wash my clothes, D I'm smelly and unclean, E I'm sponsored by Adidas, F I'm color blind, G I'm CatWoman.
Any of those assumptions could very well be true, save maybe the color-blind part, clearly.
But seriously, aren't you tired? Aren't you tired of being judged by your cover? Aren't you exhausted?
I mean, we ALL have PUBLIC personas...that is, we clean up to some degree (even if it's a black on black workout leisure suit) when we take a step out our front doors. I for sure brush my teeth and fill in my very faint eyebrows. Sometimes I even put on mascara.
But when we compare our PRIVATE personas with other peoples' PUBLIC personas, we're pretty much toast. I mean, seriously. Before the truth was ever revealed that photos were "retouched" in magazines, I literally thought models were born perfect. Jerks.
Now I know that if I had a make up artist, hair stylist, camera man and photo "retoucher", I'd be the hottest girl on my block, too. Heck, the video above shows you that we could all do the SI Swimsuit Issue. Crop, crop, crop.
What is my point? Have you ever wished people knew you for who you really are inside? Do you long to be known for your heart and not for what you do? Are you tired of comparing yourself to every one else who totally rocks, believing the lie that you don't totally rock, as well?
Well guess what?! You were designed with extraordinary in mind! And you aren't the only one! God made each and every one of us in His image. This may be difficult for some to believe as we look around at the PUBLIC personas and COVERS that some portray. Especially the crunchy, crusty, creepy, cranky ones. Or the ones that come across without a flaw.
We all need work. We all have reasons for the way we live, react, treat others. They are not excuses. There is no excuse for the behavior I am currently reading about in "Half the Sky" by Kristof and WuDunn. If you think there are excuses for treating others poorly because we've experienced pain or disappointment, then I could treat everyone like crap because I lost my baby. I'm sorry, that doesn't hold weight. It absolutely broke my heart, but it doesn't give me an excuse to give up on life, especially because I'm still here, for whatever reason God sees fit, or to be a cranky, crusty woman with a short fuse.
Again, what is my point? Well, when I was writing up a "bio" for myself for my non-profit organization, here's what I came up with:
Optimistic, maybe to a fault, Adrienne took to heart the
words of her Kindergarten teacher, “If you don’t have anything nice to say,
don’t say anything at all” and “Do to others what you would want them to do to
you.” Some say everything we ever
needed to know we learned in Kindergarten. Who knows? But
these two principles, when it comes to women, are the underlying force behind
Adrienne’s desire to build bridges between women as we celebrate the uniqueness
with which we were created. A
hopeful peacemaker and team player, Adrienne believes as we each begin to
walk with confidence in the gifts and strengths we were given, comparison will
no longer be the goal but instead women coming together, working alongside one
another, living a story meant to be told, and radically changing the world in which we
all live.
Not sure it's the one I'll use, but it's my heart. A middle-child peacemaker who truly believes we can all just get along.
As we head into this weekend, the most powerful of weekends that's ever taken place in the Universe, I am grateful that Jesus did what He did so when I get caught up in the lies of daily living, I can look to Him and hope for an eternal picture that is much bigger and tells a much more profound story than the one I often find myself in.
Our lives may not seem extraordinary in the day to day, but if we open the pages of our stories, the books that we each represent, we'll find God writing something quite magnificent in each of us, for His glory.
However, this truth remains: it's the loss of the other person who just sizes you up by your Cover.
I had a revelation a couple weeks back at group counseling. It was UH-MAZE-ing! So, here's a little history...once upon a time my mom was a beauty queen and a model. She fell in love with my dad, got married and had 3 little girls. The 3 of us girls used to play in her closet, trying on tiaras, donning "Miss So and So" sashes, prancing around in beautiful gowns, waving and smiling, and flipping through the pages of photos and article clippings, dreaming about what it was like to be a real princess, like our mom.
The funny thing was our mom had stuffed that memorabilia in bottom drawers and in the back of her closet, not because she was ashamed or embarrassed, I don't think, but because though it had been fun and special to be involved in such circles, it didn't define her.
In my mind, however, it was all I wanted to be. I wanted to be pretty like my mom. I wanted to wear beautiful gowns and have my hair done all fancy-like. I was that little girl who dressed up in her mommy's clothes and pretended to be a grown lady. I used to sit on her bathroom counter while she did her hair and make-up for a date night out with my dad. My parents were, and are, beautiful people. But not only on the outside.
Anyway, in junior high I used to look at Teen Magazine. Bad idea. Seriously, parents, it's not necessary, there is NO wisdom in it, and if you don't want your kids doing the nasty at an early age, it's best just to avoid it altogether. It doesn't feed their souls or minds. There's better "trash" out there, let's just say. ANYWAY, hello tangent, I used to Eat. It. Up. And, if you are near 40ish, like yours truly, you may remember the advertisement from John Casablancas for their "Model Search."
I remember it well.
I wanted to be a model.
I asked my dad if I could be a model.
He said no. He said I would lose my soul.
I remember being disappointed then. However, in time, even early on, like in high school, I remember being grateful he had said no. He knew something I didn't. (Imagine parents knowing more than their kids...)
I would have indeed lost my soul because I didn't know what real beauty was at the time. I just knew what I thought was pretty...and in my mind it included the approval of others.
Well, fast forward to my group counseling session a few weeks ago and the part where I have never loved myself.
I KNOW God is totally in love with me. I KNOW He is totally in love with you and I will tell you and everyone in the whole wide world so until I'm blue in the face.
But the part that says, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself," well, I've never loved myself. I don't believe I haven't been able to truly love others because I haven't loved myself. I'm pretty good at loving others. I love a lot of others. But I bet I've missed out on the extent to which I CAN love others...anyway...
But somewhere in my young heart and mind, way back when I wanted to be a model, I merged the idea of loving myself with vanity...
...and sooooooo, last Fall when I lost the weight that I knew I could lose and finally was able to look in the mirror and say to myself, "Yes. That's the girl I always knew was under there..." and I felt pretty and confident and finally liked the me I could see but then sabotaged my weight loss, I realized it was out of fear.
I feared being vain.
For years I had equated who I WAS with who I SAW in the mirror. And ironically, I had it backwards...and ironically "WAS" and "SAW" is a palindrome.
What I see in the mirror and who I am on the inside and outside are allowed to match. Yes, Paul tells women that our beauty should not come from our outward appearance, jewelry, hair, yada, yada, but from the inside, from our hearts. I get that. But there is nothing wrong with loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves, wearing pretty things, exercising, losing weight, doing things that benefit our bodies so that we can be confident in who we are in Christ, serving Him to the best of our abilities.
Beauty is not evil. Wanting to feel pretty isn't a crime.
I realize now that the last year of stopping the excuses, rolling up my sleeves, and losing the extra weight to find physically the girl I've always known was there, was my first step towards really loving myself.
And it wasn't in vain and it wasn't to be vain.
I did it to be healthy. I didn't do it to sit around and stare at myself or think of myself as all that and a bag of chips.
I did it to be free! And I'm feeling more and more free to finally love me!
I'm kind of cranky but it's part of the process, maybe?! My weigh-in this morning was 139.6 lbs.
I threw out my back after hauling an armoire from the 2nd floor to the basement with my husband. I was so revved up to work out all week long and then spent the last 4 days stretching instead.
The other thing that busts my chops is that I've been juicing 2x a day for a week and a half. WTH?
And, the other thing that busts my chops is that 139.6 lbs, a year ago, would have been cause for celebration. Now I have one nice soft roll when I sit down and two thighs that give each other a high five when they pass by. I'm 5 to 7 lbs off my mark and it's crazy how much of a difference it makes
Last Friday I guess I forgot to type in my weight, but I know it was 137.4 lbs.
One thing we talked about at group counseling the other night was about "Maintenance." When I got to that circle on the chart I wrote in my notes the first things that came to mind.
They were:
How do I find sustainability?
How do I keep it "fresh," say, like a marriage needs to be kept fresh to stay alive?
Then, the picture of math came into my head, which is rare so that means I should listen. I saw an angle with degree points and straight lines at each degree. As the lines, all one degree apart, traveled out of the center of the angle you could definitely see space between the lines.
Translation: As far as "Maintenance" goes, sometimes I have to tweak my behavior just one degree to make a lasting change. Stop looking at the Big Picture and just make one small change, each day, one day or step at a time because it does make a difference in the long run.
And one of those steps is I'm going to start weighing in again every morning (have only been doing Fridays) and am keeping a food journal. These two small steps seem to help me focus a little.
Also, I'm starting my marathon walking schedule next week so if I can't cut those pounds off walking 450+ training miles in 5 months, then I guess they're meant to stay. (But they're not...)
My post from yesterday I said, "And four, but not an exhaustive list by any means, He knew Satan would tempt me on more than one occasion and that I'd hit bottom one day
but finally look up to Him, my Source, to find what it was I was
searching for in the first place."
A friend shot me a text and wondered if I was okay.
Totally!
I am feeling so great about this year, about my plan of action, writing and launching my non-profit business plan, counseling (both my individual and the group for ladies I joined)...I'm feeling balanced and healthy about turning 40, health and nutrition, exercise and building muscles to offset the aging :) I am inspired to organize and purge every corner of my house. I'm psyched about leaving as little and dainty a carbon footprint on the earth this year by continuing to recycle and reuse old jewelry for my business and other random crafts I have in the basement from the last 15 plus years. (Goal: not to buy ONE craft supply all year unless it's a vintage piece...)
I didn't mean that I was currently at rock bottom, or feeling like I was there. I simply meant that God provides ahead of time for us so that when we do go through tough times, we can be filled by Him and gain some perspective.
Nope. I feel good.
No. I feel GREAT! I am slowly gaining strength physically, spiritually, emotionally, and otherwise, as I trust that God is who He says He is and take one day at a time.
I have a busy year ahead and don't really have time to sit around and eat out of boredom, anyway. And, in the last week when I did get stressed and reach for a snack, it was a healthy one. A whole food type of treat. Lots of carrots/apples/dates/salad/walnuts/lean meat/raw veggies and fruit...healthy stuff.
I'll be doing the Avon Walk in the Rocky Mountains June 23-24 with my little sister and anyone else who will join us...so that means in 24 weeks which means that my 20-week training schedule is pinned to my wall and getting crossed off already. And training means proper nutrition and rest! You can't just cold turkey 39.3 miles, hello!
I'm hosting a retreat for women in the Midwest early summer so I'm getting my team together and getting all that figured out. Details to come...
And, I'm a wife to the best guy on earth and mom to one fabulous, intelligent and beautiful 9 year old and a now walking 16 month old.
This overeating business has been all about me...well, this life isn't all about me. I'm here amongst a great group of billions of other God-created people and it's up to me to gain perspective in the midst of that journey of who I am and why God made me.
My life may not all be in order, because let's be honest, that'll never happen, but it's in perspective because HE'S in perspective which puts me in a really good place...and the rest just kind of follows.
I didn't realize how busy the last month was until I looked at the date of my last post here.
Wowsers! I feel like Fall and the beginning of Winter have gone by quickly already!
Anyway, I blogged in my head a few times but I don't suppose I hit "post..."
I went to counseling the week before Christmas where my counselor gave me the assignment of drawing up a business plan. Then we headed to Mexico to enjoy some time together as a family, as well as meet up with some of our dearest friends. Our trip overlapped by 4 days so it was a great treat to my heart to make memories and swap stories with people we love. My 16 month old did great, though he wasn't totally sure about sand. My 9 year old had a blast spelunking for shells and chasing waves with her friends. She also didn't mind the three day passes we got to enjoy at the all-inclusive where our friends stayed.
"What? You mean I can eat guacamole and get fruity tropical drinks all day just because I'm wearing this ugly plastic bracelet?! Cool!!"
And eat we did. We stayed at another friend's place that had a full kitchen so we headed to the grocery store the first day and stocked up on avocados, fresh salsa, totopos (thick, thick corn chips found in Mexico that rock the chip world...), almond milk, cactus and bananas, oh, and pork rind. Just KIDDING! EWWW! But seriously, they do have 2'x2' pieces of fried pork rind hanging in the deli section of the store. My friend Russ from Louisiana would like that, but me, notsomuch.
Anyway, I have to tell you the good, the bad and the ugly. There was no scale at the condo but I was on vacation and really my thoughts weren't wrapped up with numbers or if I was going to post a Friday weigh-in. I was actually pretty proud of myself. I knew from many past trips to Mexico, however, plus confirmed blood work that my totopo consumption would gradually catch up with me, but I wasn't freaked out about that either.
I mean, I was actually relaxed and enjoyed my vacation. That may not seem like a novel idea to you, you know...to relax on vacation, but in the past when my brain was in a bad place, food thoughts could ruin my outlook and attitude toward everything.
So, yeah. I went through a breakfast buffet and chose yummy food in proper proportions with a healthy helping of fresh veggies and fruits as the focal points. I ate more than the average helpings of guacamole and totopos every day. I went through a dinner buffet and skipped over all my allergens and had just veggies and meat, even skipping the dessert because it just didn't look that great. We ate at some fabulous restaurants and I ate normal portions of great quality food instead of filling up on stuff that was simply available...just because it was there.
It was like I had my head on straight or something crazy like that :)
And, for my friends out there that know of my love for Margaritas...well, I found a new tasty drink that is void of sugar that I now prefer over Margaritas. I know! You just spit whatever you were eating out of your mouth and your kid is looking at you, but it's true! Tequila, a fresh lime and mineral water does the trick. And if you want it sweet, like I did, I just added a packet of Stevia. It's called a "Tequila Macho" and it's yummy.
I did discover another new yummy treat, especially if you aren't known to drink. 70% or higher chocolate, fresh dates (pitted, obviously) and raw pecans. Take nibbles of each in one mouthful and it's super satisfying and yummy! My friend salted hers which was an added bonus!
Did the chips catch up with me?
Yep.
In addition to some fancy bloating, I broke out in hives on day 5 of 8. About 5 trips ago to Mexico when that happened I had to get a shot in my bomba (good thing I minored in Spanish in college and could navigate their local medical center!), but now I know why it happens and so, as hard as it was, I backed down from the chips. And by "backed down" I slowed my consumption but I also knew that until I got my American buns out of Mexico, I wouldn't be able to resist totopo yumminess. It helped. The hives subsided and, literally, the morning after I got home to a chip free environment, the hives were gone.
And, a first. I will tell you, I allowed my husband to take a picture of me in my bathing suit which literally I've only allowed while pregnant because I'm supposed to be rotund! I always loved and embraced by pregnant belly. And besides, no one knew my pregnant thighs were just as big when I wasn't pregnant :) But he has known now for 20 years that a picture of me in a bathing suit is about as allowable as the Pope getting married.
The act of having this picture of me, and not deleting it already from the camera or computer, is a huge step for me. I'm learning to love myself and chill out a little.
I didn't bring home any Mexican gut bugs, but what I did bring home, though, was a renewed attitude, a better outlook, a fresh ambition for life in general and 3 more sun spots.
Oh yeah...I had a counseling visit after I returned from Mexico and shared my business plan with her. I have another appointment next week, but first, starting tonight for the next 8 weeks, I'm going to a women's only group session...one on freedom from addiction.
Happy NEW Year! Happy NEW You! Happy NEW Me!
(Here's the pic...I never said it was full-length, but it's a start for me. And no, I won't be posting full-length pics of me in my suit eh-ver. Just the fact that I wore one in public without a cover-up on from head to toe was a big deal for me. I'm starting to embrace my almost 40 year old self and I'm good!)
As I stepped out of the shower yesterday morning, I wished Jason hadn't been there, brushing his teeth. I felt frumpy. Squishy. Not svelte. The last few days I have felt like I am spinning out of control, like some toy top with no destination. My head has been jacked up. Jacked. In High School when we all had to shower and change in an open setting for PE, I was the girl strategically holding my towel with my teeth, backside up against the open locker, maneuvering my clothes so no one would see my parts. I'm NOT that way with my husband, but I will say that when I feel fat or ugly, I wish for his own good he didn't have to see me.
Perspective. It's all about perspective, though. What my eye sees and what my husband sees are apparently two different things. I wish I could see what he sees 100% of the time instead of seeing through the foggy battleground that is my mind!
Me: Sweetheart, let's just talk about the elephant in the room...no pun intended, ironically...
He stared at me blankly.
Me: Sweetheart, obviously I've gained 10 lbs in the last month...I feel out of control with food and I just need to figure out how to get my head on straight! I'm sorry I'm such a freak!
Him: Adrienne, I think you are gorgeous! I just wish you would go to counseling like you said you wanted to for a while, and get some help. I know your mom or my sister would be glad to watch Ry while you go to an appointment, or you could go on a Friday when I work from home. I just want you to be okay...
Me: You are right. I'll call tomorrow.
I have gone to counseling off and on in the past for grief. Several months back I called to make an appointment to talk about body image but they didn't have an opening for a month and feeling as desperate as I did at the time, a month was too far out, so I just never made an appointment. I must have gotten my act together for a time because life just went on.
Well, this past weekend was a horrible, no good, very bad weekend in my food arena. Not only did I eat out of boredom and stress (it's not that I am ever bored...it's that my plate gets so full I'm not able to get a clear picture of priority vs. busyness and I want to accomplish SOMETHING so then I just multi-task piddly things that don't leave me feeling like I did anything right!) but I unknowingly ate a hearty helping of really yummy turkey meatballs that were likely made with egg and gluten, two of my allergens. I'm NOT exaggerating when I tell you that my stomach was so distended yesterday and last night I looked 7 months pregnant...and I'm not kidding! That's just how I looked...how I felt was like a pregnant lady in her first trimester but with 2nd and 3rd trimester cravings! Confession: I tried a new gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, soy-free chocolate chip cookie recipe and ate a dozen. I sent the rest to Em's class.
This morning at 8:30 I called the counseling office. December 8th is the first opening. Tears rimmed my eyes because it seems so far out there! I secured the time slot and breathed calmly not letting the receptionist hear the choke in my throat that was tightening from the tears that were now flowing. I even smiled as I finished up the call so as to mask my now shaky voice.
It took a lot for me to make that call. The funny thing is, just the act of making the call helped the spinning in my head at least slow down a bit.
I know I have problems. That's why I have this stupid blog. Why I feel out of control lately, I'm not sure?! One thing I do know is until December 8th at 11:00 I'm going to keep myself very, very, very, very, very, very busy. When I am busy I don't graze nor do I have time to think about food. There is a scripture in Titus that talks about the young wives being busy at home. God put it on my heart the other day. I've translated my mile-long task and to-do list to actually being busy when in reality, I've been doing the fight or flight approach. All the things that are left undone in my home are so overwhelming and seem daunting that I blow them off and survive in the day to day, accomplishing things that are daily tasks, therefore never checking off the big ticket items...
No point to this post and no eloquent way to end it. I'm spinning. I'd like to stop spinning and just be. I want to be free to finally be me.
So, I had a thought this morning...it occurred to me that even though I've had a goal or number in mind to reach over the years, I have functioned more within time frames, or dates of completion.
I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to explain my thought process, but let me try...
For sake of example, officially P90X is a 90 day program. What you end the program with after 90 days is the result of the workout and discipline, but what if it's not your goal weight? Of course, if you stuck with it, you'll be happy with the results regardless if you reached your goal because it's a great program, and if you didn't, you'd sign up for another round until you did.
For me, I think no, I know, I've been looking at certain dates or frames of time in order to accomplish my goal so when that date or event rolls around and I didn't lose those specific pounds or whatever, I get discouraged...and then I usually temporarily give up and self-sabotage.
Is this even making sense?
This is all the more reason why I need to get a lifestyle plan that works for me!
Also, the way my mind works, I need to set small, attainable goals that are not time-sensitive or time-restrictive, and work towards those. It's really semantics. It might take 3 weeks to lose 10 lbs, for example. And, it's possible that you could lose 10 lbs in 3 weeks. Same thing, but maybe thinking about it differently? Glass half-full/half-empty type of thing? However, if your goal is to lose 10 lbs and it takes 4 weeks or 7 weeks, your goal is still the same, it's not a race against time, it's a journey towards a final outcome or result.
Man, this is freeing for my head to write this out!
Maybe you've known this all along, but for me, it's been more about a race against the clock...not my biological clock but clocks like: beach vacation coming up in 4 wks, summer break/have to take kids to pool in 6 wks, shorts season approaching in 3 wks. Does anyone know what the freak I am talking about, here?!
Speaking of biological clocks, I turn 40 in two months. I'm really excited about it! I think it's kind of cool, like coming of age, finally being a grown-up :) Anyway, I was telling myself in my head that I wanted to be steady at 132 lbs by January 8th, mine and Elvis' birthday.
BUT INSTEAD!!!! I am setting a goal of 132 lbs. Today I am not there but I was just a month ago. I had a couple of rough weeks with food between then and now. But, all my new jeans fit nicely at 132 (and I can't afford to go buy the next size up and I got rid of all my old ones...so...) and I'm not totally flat chested like I was when I was down at 128 or even 130...I like a little bosom on me :) so 132 works for me. Anyway, when January 8th rolls around, I will weigh myself that day because it's part of my morning routine, but if I haven't reached my goal by then it won't throw me off, because my goal is not on a time frame, it doesn't have a deadline, but it's still motivating nonetheless.
You may be thoroughly confused, but I'm glad I figured this out! Another step towards freedom!
(FYI, I posted a fall breakfast recipe under the recipe tab...check it!)
One reason I am so passionate about conquering this addiction is the time and energy that is spent on any one given day.
I have wasted so many years of my life wishing I was skinnier or had thighs like her or a flat belly! It's frustrating and I'm not going to let it run my thoughts anymore!
I know that when God designed me, and when He designed you, He had greatness in mind.
Greatness!
And, He designed us in a way, like Himself, in His image, to live and love BIG!
He intended for our hearts to be consumed with love, our minds to enjoy peaceful thoughts and our bodies to move and function in total health. And, this not only for ourselves but so that we could encourage others. Imbalance and stress or overemphasis in one area or another causes us to get out of whack. Random examples: instead of love we hold onto offense, allowing bitterness and resentment to build up in our hearts...then our minds follow suit and it's all we can think about, how so and so hurt us and we'll never let them forget it...and then, that offense hardens our hearts and literally builds up in our bodies manifesting itself in so many different ways, ie. over-eating or eating junk, addiction, not taking care of ourselves, even obsessing about weight loss/management or exercise, etc...all things that can lead to disease...all things that are self, self, selfish.
No. Nope. Nosiree. When God made me I know He made me for greater things than food addiction and self-loathing! It's so interesting, really...you see, I believe we are tempted or slyly lured away by the Devil by things that are the opposite of what we were made for or how we are meant to impact our world. Example: My name is Adrienne. It means "Rich, Bold and Confident" however, looking back at different seasons in my life, I have struggled with insecurity, poverty of heart, and never feeling like I am good or pretty enough.
If you ask any one of my closest friends what my passion in life is they would answer, "Adrienne LOVES women and wants to see them know just how in love God is with them!" If you don't believe me, call this number: 867-5309. Just kidding. Not so sure my friends want their cell numbers posted in the blogosphere. Anyway.
But seriously.
I believe that if I keep on allowing myself to be side-tracked with food addiction and its effects, I will be side-tracked from doing what I was meant to do and what I love to do most: ENCOURAGE WOMEN!
Now, I love the guys, too, don't get me wrong, but High School is the earliest memory of really wanting to encourage and inspire women to be who God made them to be. So, I go with it. I know there's someone else out there wired with the same passion to encourage and challenge men towards greatness, so I'm not worried about them missing out :)
So, there you have it...the driving force behind my desire to be healed and free! I've pissed enough of this life away on this topic! It's like I'm Eve, stuck at that damn tree with the frigging apple dangling in her face!
Move away from the tree, Adrienne...and move on to bigger and better things!
No excuses, life just got too busy, hectic, and crazy and so, I haven't been embracing the blogging world. I've been eating both healthily and like a kid in a candy store. But, I've also been praying, reading, and researching, so, at least in my mind, I am moving forward. I'll share some of that tomorrow...
My nephew got croup last week and was admitted to the ICU at Children's in Denver for the week. He was on a ventilator and had some really rough sessions. My sister and her hubby were champs and tag-teamed the whole week. I was up there some. It's a different facility than where Noah was for his hospital adventure...but the smells are the same, the machines still all make the same sounds, and the nurses still rock! He is out and home and on the road to full healing, but the turkey came down with croup on Mother's Day...not cool, mister!
The week threw me off as far as knowing what day of the week it was. As my nephew was stable, I decided to look into redeeming my Mother's Day present...Lasik eye surgery. I had already done the research and initial appointments and had determined the clinic where I wanted the procedure done, so gave them a call regarding dates and times available.
Me: Do you have any appointments for Lasik in the coming weeks, preferably on a Friday? (Jason works from home on most Fridays...) Him: Let's see...we have an opening at 10 am on Friday, May 13th, on the 20th at 10, as well, and another on the 27th. Me, quickly running thru the upcoming weekends in my mind: How about the 13th...I don't have plans that weekend so would be able to rest and recover. Him: The 13th at 10 am, that sounds great. I have you down. Me: Blah, blah, blah. Him: Blah, blah, blah. Him: So, we'll see you tomorrow morning, then. Me, shocked that the day I was calling to simply inquire about an appt was Thursday, May 12th, and indeed, I would be seeing clearly in less than 24 hours: Shut up! That's TOMORROW! Him, not rocked by my "Shut Up!": Yes, that's tomorrow. See you a little before 10.
So, yeah, that was last week. And I can see! It's fascinating! I keep reaching for my glasses on my face and next to my bedside table...but they aren't there! They've been on the kitchen counter ever since last Friday. Apparently I don't need them anymore! Apparently I don't clean my kitchen counter that often...A friend, much more spiritual than I, told me he's waiting for God to miraculously heal his eyes...(he said with a wink). Honestly, as I was lying there, lasers doing their thing, I was thanking God that He created the human brain, designed intelligence, provided synapse responses in some smart people at one point that realized there is a way to heal the eye and I was in the middle of that beautiful miracle!
And as my eyes have been literally opened, I can see more clearly the girl in the mirror. I have seen her through glasses and contacts for years. But over the past couple of weeks, can't really put my finger on it, but I can see the girl in the mirror...and I don't hate her guts. I haven't fallen madly, deeply, head over heels in love with her either, but I think she and I are getting to know each other a little better...at least I am finally giving her a chance.
