Extremist!

I'm an extremist.  It's pretty plain and simple.

At least I am aware of it.

I am aware of my extreme tendencies, as well as my extreme lack of ability to live somewhere in between extreme and un-extreme.

Clearly I've got problems.

Before Mother's Day when I drafted my personal fitness and clean eating manifesto, the extreme idealistic "me" was in her glory!

"Woohoo!  YES!  This is IT!  You are the queen of the world...well, your world, and YOU CAN DO THIS!  This is RIGHT!  This is GOOD!  YOU will feel SO GREAT!  So, SO GREAT!  Eat CLEAN!  Avoid your ALLERGENS!  Stay away from the DEVIL aka, carbs and sugars!  Go DRY until September 1st when you've got a hold on all this!  DON'T EAT ONE evil carb until after September 1st!  And then, eat clean 6 days a week, and enjoy one or two cheat meals..."

I should have plastered this on my walls.  Tattooed it to the insides of my eyelids.  Written it in Sharpie or lipstick on every mirror in my house.  These sentiments clearly should not have only been written down once in a notebook that was tucked neatly into a cupboard.

For my 3 1/2 month "plan," I did not "write in" ONE SINGLE cheat meal, snack, day, or item...

...as a result, the one vodka drink I had at my friend's 40th, coupled with a fabulous meal where I steered clear of every carb and didn't even blink at the cupcakes, took my brain to a place where I actually felt like a failure after an entire month of doing a fantastic job.

Message in the mirror:  You blew it!  You suck!  You suck at eating clean...you always do!

This occurred 3 weeks ago...and my brain feels stuck in a place of believing I really have blown it!

Then, remember, I divorced my scale.  I haven't gone back, but I NEED TO!  THIS HAS BEEN A VERY, VERY difficult lifestyle change!  I know, from grabbing, I have gained weight, not from not weighing in, clearly from eating the wrong foods, but not tracking it has messed with me...Even though my head got caught up with the numbers, I'm not so sure this was a wise decision...but I'm too afraid to step on it now!

And then June 21st happened...and I haven't even been able to write about it yet.  My heart aches for my friends' hearts.  But I comforted myself with, ummmm, lots and lots of pancakes.  Let's just say, I ate to offer comfort to my friend, though she never even knew...because how does my eating a dozen pancakes offer comfort to her empty arms???  No, really...

But the point is, why am I such an extremist?  And why am I such an extremist with myself, against myself, with stuff that qualifies as #firstworldproblems!?!? #$%^&*

Seriously!  With all the EXTREME energy I put into kicking my own teeth in, I could be putting it into something so much more world changing...or even my own small-world changing.

And so, once again, here I am telling myself to take one day at a time...to keep eating clean, but not kill myself for one day or one meal or one Doley Stoli at a friend's birthday celebration, but to live, to celebrate, and to mourn when these seasons are upon us...

*On a practical note:  I've just received a supplement for my brain called Crave Arrest that my naturopath gave me.  He says it will help with my EXTREME food tendencies to help balance the chemical imbalance I've grown used to because of my poor eating habits.  This confirms what I read in "Unchain Your Brain," by Dr. Daniel Amen, so I guess we'll see...I also have a BLANK food journal. I chucked the other one in the trash and am starting from scratch tomorrow morning with the foods I eat in a day, along with proactive steps for triggers and negative thought battles that are sure to rage...

In a Nutshell

I've been away from a scale for Friday weigh-in's the last two weeks, but I weighed in this morning and am 129.0 lbs.

This is pretty crazy because over this past weekend I literally ate 100 pistachios, easily, not to mention so much other great food.  But I stayed active.  Very, very active.

I know nuts and seeds are not on my food intake list until next weekend, actually, but we were guests at a friend's ranch and I was doing my best to navigate the menu without drawing attention to myself.  I was able to grab fruit and salads and veggies on most occasions, but not always a little meat.  It all worked out and the night they had pizza, I darned near emptied the pistachio jar.  (Yep...any of you reading who were also at the ranch, that was me...sorry!)  And, I'm truly not being legalistic, which is a first for me pretty much in my whole life when it comes to myself and my own behavior.

Anyway, I'm finding that I have a ton of energy.  I'm sleeping so soundly and am able to spring out of bed in the morning to greet the Lord and read The Message.

I've looked at a little food porn lately, and by "food porn" I mean some recipe blogs and websites.  Particularly, I've been searching ones that are solely Primal or Paleo in nature.  This is essentially how I will be eating the rest of my life 95% of the time.  But, looking at food porn at this point in my cleanse is NOT a good idea, only because it's inevitable...I'm looking for a main course meal option with tons of veggies and fish or meat and then a grain-free, vegan baked good pops up on the site that's all chocolaty and amazing looking and I start to drool and wonder if I have the ingredients on hand.  And that's what I mean by "food porn."

Anyway, I'm enjoying working out again, which for a season it seemed like I just was doing it out of fear of fatness or fear of being a lazy 40-something who makes the excuse of just being too busy.  Now, I feel so strong.  I even discovered I have deltoids over the weekend.  Whofreakingknew?!  I didn't!  I have literally never had definition in my arms, though I've had muscles I could feel under a coating.

I'm not trying to lose weight or anything like that at this point.  I'm building muscle and trying to gain strength and tone.  I can curl 15 lbs now.  And, I did 40 push-ups in a row on Saturday.  Followed by 35 more.  I do them on my knees, but if you think that is wimpy, then go ahead and try it...all the way to the floor, wide push-ups and Yoga-style tricep chaturanga push-ups.


Ready:  Go!  (Yeah...that's what I thought...)

I've also just finished the book, "Unchain Your Brain," by Dr. Daniel Amen, MD, and Dr. David E. Smith, MD.  If you suffer from any kind of addiction, I would highly recommend this book!  The subtitle is, "10 steps to breaking the addictions that steal your life."  I re-checked it out from the library so I can read it again, it was just that helpful.

Food is a real addiction.  I'm breaking free from mine!

No food in the world is worth hurting myself or sabotaging just for the taste or comfort.  If my head isn't on straight to make that healthful or unhealthy food choice, then I've been getting out of the kitchen or situation, and changing course.

Will I ever eat sweets or treats again?  Yeah.  Once in a while.  But in America, we eat it every day and we wonder why we have so many diseases...it really is no wonder.

There is no reason to wonder.

Stop wondering.  

Write down what you eat and how you feel and then make changes to feel better.  One choice at a time.  No one else can choose health for you.  Loving yourself doesn't mean rewarding yourself with foods that make you sick.  Loving yourself is nourishing your body and brain.

How close is the food you are about to consume to its original DNA God-design?  Keep this question in mind at the store, at restaurants, and at home.

Eating whole tastes awesome!


God knew what He was doing when He made it...imagine that!?