BFF's

One of my BFF's is never on the Internet and the other knows of my crazy escapades.  I had to show the one the picture from day one...she said, "Wow."  The other just said, "Why on earth would you post a picture of yourself looking like that on-line?"

I know, right?!?!  Who the heck does that?

But to answer her question, I'm passionate about, well, a lot of things, but particularly, how nutrition affects our bodies and how I had allowed food to become my god.

I don't think we just eat food and it's simply plumbing disconnected from the rest of our systems, coming out the other end.  Food affects me physically, emotionally, and when out of balance, spiritually.  Enough people have asked me about healthful eating, so from experimenting on myself and eliminating certain foods, I've paid attention to how I feel, good and bad, and am passionate about sharing.

It's not about fads or diets or even losing weight.  Though for years it was...

For me it's about stewardship of this body God designed and in continuation of the journey He put me on last year, learning to love myself.

Loving myself isn't "rewarding" myself with food.  When I walked up the aisle at our wedding Jason didn't hand me a slice of pepperoni and pineapple pizza and then slip a ring on my finger, my "reward" for being his wife.  Loving myself is deeper than rewarding myself with stuff, things, food, what have you...

Anyway, unfortunately six years ago I was blogging from a hospital room, bedside of my sweet son, Noah, and it was during that journey when my bent toward research and nutrition and the body and its functions and disease and healthful living went into full swing.

I can't help what I've discovered and I can't help but put it out there for anyone else who is intentional about taking their health back, or discovering it for the first time.  I don't claim to be an expert, just a passionate person, that's all.

So, if a day of cleansing, or even a month, or a week, or a few days, shows up in a real, visual way like a horrendous picture of myself, and it encourages someone else, I'll do it.  It's not like I'm posting pictures of my abs like Miley Cyrus or something.

Either way, I don't care what people think.  And, sometimes radical and against the norm or grain is the only motivation for change.  Painting only pretty pictures of myself was only keeping my deep down gunk in the dark.  And that wasn't working for me...

I not only feel physically great from the last week of fasting and clean eating, but my heart and spirit feel even better by the spiritual food I've been feasting on in God's word.  I'd rather binge on that kind of life-giving food any day.

And, gratefully, after my BFF's saw my pictures, I still hold the title "BFF" in their books.  Maybe not first-thing-in-the-morning BFF, but BFF nonetheless.

Day 6

Day 7 - My joints are literally pain free.  The twitch I had in my leg went away.   My sinuses are totally cleared up...no drainage.  My fingers aren't stuck in the mornings anymore.  But best of all,  my time studying the Bible is so incredibly rich.  Fasting is symbolic and a powerful way to say "no" to our flesh and stop in the hustle and bustle of the day to day to have real intimacy with a real and loving God.  

Tomorrow I'll post some of the protocol I am doing, not as a prescription for you, as I'm not a physician or nutritionist, but just because some have asked.  For a preview, however, read the first chapter of the book of Daniel in the Old Testament of the Bible.  Freedom from addiction and that particular chapter are my main motivations...

Accountability

I know I haven't been here in a while.

I haven't felt like writing, one because I'm sick of the same old story.  Two because, for the most part, I'm doing well.  Three, because I don't feel like I'm really encouraging anyone else when I write here, so I'm kind of like, "What's the point?" if my journey through crap and healing doesn't help anyone but me, I'm not sure the point in having this blog.

There are plenty of recipe blogs out there, and that's not the point of this place, anyway.  And, being married to a guy who helps women and children in Third World Countries makes me nauseous that I even have ever struggled with putting food first, before God, and others.

There are some scriptures about fasting in the Bible.  One of the important elements of fasting is not doing it so others look on and "ooh and ahhh" over your outward spirituality.  As a result, I hesitated from writing a couple months ago about a fast that I did because I didn't want to draw attention to it.  However, I have to say, the benefits for my heart and mind were so encouraging, that I wanted to share a snippet with you here.

So, my struggle has NEVER been that I don't eat ENOUGH food, but too much, or really, just mindlessly...seeking something, whether comfort, instant gratification, consoling, in food, rather than in God alone.  The lines of food for comfort and food for sustenance have crossed and become a blur.  I was never good at fasting, if that's something you can actually be "good" at?  There was only one other time in my life I've fasted, one, for pure reasons, and two, where God literally provided all the energy I sought.  That was when Noah was in the hospital.

Anyway, in early August I did a week long fast of water and green juice, along with my daily supplements of a multi-vitamin, probiotics, and fish-oils.  I didn't want the week to end.  I wasn't hungry at all and each time I sat at the dining room table to read God's word, write, and pray, it was like a 5-course meal (gluten-free/dairy-free/egg-free, of course!)  Just kidding!

By Jean Fortunet (Own work) [CC-BY-1.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/1.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

And then the week ended, I had a good week or two, and then life started to creep in, slowly, here and there, lies, busyness, doubt, obsessive thoughts, and choice by choice, my mouth became a garbage can...not in the cool way, like, a cussing machine, have you, but just a place where I'd put food without thinking about it.

Thankfully I've been talking daily with God about this and have slowed down, laid it at His feet, and sought His face for the "Why?" of why I brat-ishly continue to put Him second to something as TEMPORARILY filling as food!!!!  And, on a practical side, I've literally SLOWED down my eating, smaller bites, sitting, actually thinking about what I'm doing rather than eating between running here and there or doing this or that.

All this to say, I'm doing a study on Daniel right now and I'm only on chapter 2.  Talk about knocking my socks off!  Good stuff!  And, of course, the first chapter talks about how Danny and his friends set themselves apart for God's purposes, spiritually, and also practically or physically, by NOT eating the king's food.  And, OF COURSE, they were found to be more physically fit and spiritually in tune.  You don't say...you mean cutting out the clutter and excess is actually beneficial?!  Duh (duh, to me...)

A wise saying I once heard and have quoted and quoted and quoted, is:

"Without accountability there is no motivation for change."

I'm sick of quoting it.  I want to live it.

I'm posting HERE for the rest of the story...

Extremist!

I'm an extremist.  It's pretty plain and simple.

At least I am aware of it.

I am aware of my extreme tendencies, as well as my extreme lack of ability to live somewhere in between extreme and un-extreme.

Clearly I've got problems.

Before Mother's Day when I drafted my personal fitness and clean eating manifesto, the extreme idealistic "me" was in her glory!

"Woohoo!  YES!  This is IT!  You are the queen of the world...well, your world, and YOU CAN DO THIS!  This is RIGHT!  This is GOOD!  YOU will feel SO GREAT!  So, SO GREAT!  Eat CLEAN!  Avoid your ALLERGENS!  Stay away from the DEVIL aka, carbs and sugars!  Go DRY until September 1st when you've got a hold on all this!  DON'T EAT ONE evil carb until after September 1st!  And then, eat clean 6 days a week, and enjoy one or two cheat meals..."

I should have plastered this on my walls.  Tattooed it to the insides of my eyelids.  Written it in Sharpie or lipstick on every mirror in my house.  These sentiments clearly should not have only been written down once in a notebook that was tucked neatly into a cupboard.

For my 3 1/2 month "plan," I did not "write in" ONE SINGLE cheat meal, snack, day, or item...

...as a result, the one vodka drink I had at my friend's 40th, coupled with a fabulous meal where I steered clear of every carb and didn't even blink at the cupcakes, took my brain to a place where I actually felt like a failure after an entire month of doing a fantastic job.

Message in the mirror:  You blew it!  You suck!  You suck at eating clean...you always do!

This occurred 3 weeks ago...and my brain feels stuck in a place of believing I really have blown it!

Then, remember, I divorced my scale.  I haven't gone back, but I NEED TO!  THIS HAS BEEN A VERY, VERY difficult lifestyle change!  I know, from grabbing, I have gained weight, not from not weighing in, clearly from eating the wrong foods, but not tracking it has messed with me...Even though my head got caught up with the numbers, I'm not so sure this was a wise decision...but I'm too afraid to step on it now!

And then June 21st happened...and I haven't even been able to write about it yet.  My heart aches for my friends' hearts.  But I comforted myself with, ummmm, lots and lots of pancakes.  Let's just say, I ate to offer comfort to my friend, though she never even knew...because how does my eating a dozen pancakes offer comfort to her empty arms???  No, really...

But the point is, why am I such an extremist?  And why am I such an extremist with myself, against myself, with stuff that qualifies as #firstworldproblems!?!? #$%^&*

Seriously!  With all the EXTREME energy I put into kicking my own teeth in, I could be putting it into something so much more world changing...or even my own small-world changing.

And so, once again, here I am telling myself to take one day at a time...to keep eating clean, but not kill myself for one day or one meal or one Doley Stoli at a friend's birthday celebration, but to live, to celebrate, and to mourn when these seasons are upon us...

*On a practical note:  I've just received a supplement for my brain called Crave Arrest that my naturopath gave me.  He says it will help with my EXTREME food tendencies to help balance the chemical imbalance I've grown used to because of my poor eating habits.  This confirms what I read in "Unchain Your Brain," by Dr. Daniel Amen, so I guess we'll see...I also have a BLANK food journal. I chucked the other one in the trash and am starting from scratch tomorrow morning with the foods I eat in a day, along with proactive steps for triggers and negative thought battles that are sure to rage...

Freedom in Confessing

So, in the back of my head, a thought has lurked...for over a year now.

I'm not promoting it, plugging it, or getting kick backs, so I just want to lay that out now.  I forgot to post this post last year about it, so here is a link I just found among my "drafts."  This post has a lot of my personal history of hCG...

Anyway, on my "Diet Reviews" page I talk about hCG.  At least for me, maybe other hCGers would disagree, but for me, "hCG" is always a thought in the back of my head whenever I spin out of control or "tip the scale."  And by a "thought that has lurked" over the last year, I literally mean, is has plagued my mind until very recently, numerous times throughout the day.

So, I've been praying about it.  Not praying if I should do it again or not or flaky praying like, "Oh dear Jesus, since I keep thinking about it, it must be a sign from You telling me to do hCG..."  Not that kind of praying.

Praying for God to take those plaguing thoughts AWAY and replace them with loving thoughts toward myself.

I'm not kidding.  In the course of one day, I saw two license plates with HCG as the three final letters.  There's no telling what the Enemy of our hearts will do to monopolize our thoughts from living freely and focusing on things that are more important than thighs that "HIGH-FIVE" every time they cross paths!  I REALIZE THIS!  THERE ARE STARVING PEOPLE AND SLAVE-TRAFFICKED CHILDREN AND WOMEN BEING ABUSED BY THEIR HUSBANDS AND LOTS OF MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN THE WORLD...THAT'S WHY IT'S BEEN FRUSTRATING TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS CONTINUALLY BE AT MY DOORSTEP!

hCG was a great jump start for me, especially to figure out my food sensitivities, but I tell you what.  The structure.  The results.  I mean, I hadn't seen my triceps EVER and who knew the lunges I had done for years on freaking end had really produced muscles in my thighs since there was still a coating of fat covering them?  Who knew?!

So, all that to say, in the last 3 months as I've gone up and down 10 to 15 pounds, hCG has been my mental scapegoat, thinking to myself, "Well, if I can't get my act together, I can always do that...one more time..."

But, BUT, BUTTTTTTTT!  I want to tell you!  The discouragement was only part of the picture and I knew in my heart doing hCG one more time was NOT the answer.

Literally, Jesus was.  Is.  The.  Answer.

No more excuses.  No more abusing my body by bingeing and then wallowing in shame and guilt.  Which, here's an acronym I learned recently to describe the mentality and faulty thinking which lies deep beneath a BINGE:

Believing
I'm
Not
Good
Enough

The morning after Easter I woke up feeling a freedom I'm not so sure I've ever felt.  I had eaten way too much, and consumed several of my allergens on Easter so felt horribly, both physically and emotionally, when I had gone to bed Sunday night.  I had even planned to just head out and buy "one more bottle of hCG" just to snap out of it.  Just to "get your friggin' act together, Adrienne!"

But, Monday morning I woke up free.

Eff.

Arr.

Eee.

Eee.

FREE!

I wasn't hungry.  I wasn't thinking about food.  I crept quietly to the kitchen where I keep my Bible on my desk and opened it to feast for a bit.  I sat quietly with the Lord and thanked Him for the sense of renewal and that my thoughts were literally clear from all things hCG.

And, all week, I have walked in this freedom.  None of my circumstances have changed.  I'm still working upwards of 80 hours a week coordinating my non-profit organization to get it off the ground to host a Midwest retreat in less than two months.  (If you live in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa or anywhere around the Midwest, here's a link. )

Anyway, my point in sharing is this:  God gets all the glory in this.  I have tried, and tried, and tried, and tried my whole life, with my own strength, and my own effort, and failed miserably.  Every.  Single.  Time.

I finally stopped asking God to bless my effort.

I don't have time to selfishly allow food to consume my thoughts.  There is too much to do in the world and I have way too many dreams to allow an addiction to hold me back.

It seems as I am learning to love myself God is showing me more and more how He's loved me this whole time, even when I hated myself the most...


*What are your dreams?  What do you think is holding you back from running with the dreams the Lord literally put into your DNA?!  Are they worth the addiction?!

Clean Cheating

My Naturopathic Doctor was making fun of me the other day. 

I guess it's all relative, but she was like, "Adrienne, bad eating to you would be clean eating for someone else.  There's got to be another reason for the weight gain other than what you are eating...I think it's stress related, but we'll need to investigate."

That could be true, but, this journey, my journey, is about this girl and her pursuit of health and life-giving choices.  So, yes, I suppose when I "splurge" on 5 brownies made of raw figs/dates/walnuts/cocoa/agave it's healthier than choosing 1/2 a box of Little Debbie's or something.  Or eating all but one bite of a Persian Key Lime Tartlet by Hail Merry might be better for my body than wolfing a piece of Key Lime pie by a certain female chef who has recently been diagnosed with diabetes for eating her own recipes...but not really.  Because sugar is sugar is sugar...and just because that tartlet doesn't have my key allergens in it doesn't mean it's necessarily a "better splurge"...anyway...

Maybe I do choose healthy binge food, but the key word there is binge.  No matter if my choice yesterday was 2 cups of popcorn, 3 Tbsp chocolate chips, 2 large "ants on a log", a dozen corn chips with salsa, and that tartlet, it's the why that gets me thinking...

I have noticed a pattern when I eat clean for 6 days and then have a couple of "whatever I want" meals on the 7th day, I feel great in general.

However, if I try to push it through more than those 6 days, like say a week and a half or two, then I have a "crazy day" and eat, or at least think about eating, outside the box, that is, my box.  I have also noticed that a "crazy day" is often the unforeseen prelude to that time of the month.  Case in point, apparently.

The part that makes me cranky, though, is I feel I've let a few friends down.  Several friends have given up sugar and white stuff for Lent and I've been encouraging them on their journeys.  They may or may not go back to eating from whence they came once Easter arrives, but for me, it's a lifestyle, not a 6 week change of course, so I'll still eat the same way.  Yeah, I had a rough go over the holidays and my birthday, but my goal and lifestyle are clean eating 90 - 95% of the time.  Not for legalism sake but because I know my body loves me when I love my body through healthful choices. 

Anyway, I feel better now and know what my trigger was.  I did give in, but this isn't legalism, this is love and I'm back to my 3 meals a day for a while because eating that way gives me plenty of energy.  And 6 days on, one day off...that helps keep my mind straight.  Glad Lent is set up that way anyhow.

It's all just one day at a time.  I'm just grateful for God's grace and strength in the journey...

Secrets

We all have them.  Some are relatively harmless but others are so deep, so covered, stuffed far beneath the surface into the darkest parts of our hearts that we actually believe we're fooling those around us into thinking something isn't there that is indeed, there. 

And maybe for a time, it works.  Fooling others, that is.  Or at least fooling ourselves. 

However, if I told you to drink poison, would you?  No.  You would plainly know from the word "poison" that at some point, either immediately or gradually, you should expect a negative reaction, even death. 

The problem is, most of us are pretty smart.  Relatively speaking, of course.  There are those.  But I'm not talking about them, I'm talking to me and to you and we are pretty smart. 

Except for the fact that we only use, or are able to potentially use, 10% of our brains.  Yep.  That leaves 90% untapped...and I've done a little math in my lifetime, sooooo....let's see, I guess it's safe to deduce we are smart but we have so much more to learn.

We wouldn't knowingly drink poison if we knew it could hurt us.  Then why do we knowingly stuff hurts, scars and secrets?  Especially the ones that were toxic to begin with like bitterness, jealousy, unforgiveness...holding onto that kind of stuff, no matter how far down we stuff it, still causes a toxic response, even if ever so slowly...

While my son was sick in the hospital, I had several epiphanies, if you will.  One of those being, "There is no such thing as a secret."(NSTAAS)  It came to my heart in a moment when my polished church girl, theologically trained faith prayer (PCGTTFP) was not lining up with the real, present time words running through my head and heart or the deep ache way down in my guts. 

If you were to witness it, it would be something like this:

• PCGTTFP:  "Lord, I know you can move mountains!  I trust you with my son's life!  I know you can heal him and so I am begging you to please heal my baby!"
• NSTAAS:  (In my head/heart/guts)  This totally sucks!  My kid is dying.  No one knows squat.  No one can save him.  You aren't answering my prayers the way I want You to.  I would die for my son.  Do You have any idea what it's like to know your son is going to die and you can't do anything about it?  I'm so angry with You, God!  If I were running the Universe it certainly wouldn't be like this!  This fucking sucks!  Make it all go away!  Fix it!

And there it was.  The moment I realized that if God was who He said He was, then He knew everything. 

Every.  Single.  Thing. 

He knew that even though I believed and trusted He could heal my son, at the same time, these thoughts and frustrations were running through my heart.  And, it wasn't a secret to Him that I had dropped the "F-bomb" in my head or that I was disenchanted with the fact I couldn't see the Big Picture so none of my reality made sense.

This epiphany was one of the most freeing moments in my walk with God because I knew for the first time "There is no such thing as a secret."  God knew my thoughts.  He knew that as strong as I was trying to be on the outside wasn't always going to match the reality of my insides.  Or vice versa.  And since He is big, I knew God could handle this.  It really made me love Him all the more.

So fast forward to modern day.  Here's a big fat secret I've held onto now for 5 and half years...until last Friday when I finally dealt with it, but not because I planned it that way.  Nope, I was fine harboring what had become something quite familiar and comfortable, really.  I hadn't thought about it in a while, to be honest.  I guess our secrets do that...when we want them hidden they become part of us.

Unless, of course, they are toxic to us and that's when the whole "God loves us" and "He knows what's best for us" and "There's no such thing as a secret" stuff comes in.  Because if something dark is holding us back from the very best God has for us, He'll expose it.  Oh baby, He'll expose it.

Long story short.  For 5.5 yrs I've had bitterness and unforgiveness in my heart toward one of the doctors at my children's clinic.  The weekend before Noah was admitted to the hospital we were at our friend's house for a birthday party.  Our friend was an ICU nurse.  She is smart.  She looked at Noah and told me I should call the doctor.  I remember thinking, "It's the weekend, I don't want to bother them...they are with their families..."  She said, "Ade, he's retracting and is hypotonic.  He's sick."  She urged me on.  I called.

The gist.  After the answering service called the doc, she called me.  In her tone I heard, "It's the weekend.  Is this really so bad that you are calling me on the weekend?"  In so many words, she said to watch him and bring him in on Monday when the offices were open.

A few days later we checked our son into the hospital for the rest of his life.  From the time that doc called me that sunny Saturday afternoon in July, I vowed she'd never be the caregiver of any of my children...ever.  Over my friggin' dead body.

And, over the last 5 1/2  years that's been a pretty easy vow to fulfill.  Every time I made appointments for Emily, if that doc was in the office that day, I'd say, "Yep, anybody but so and so..."  It worked.  No big deal.

Until Friday.  Like, Friday of just last week.  Yeah.  My baby has had a fever off and on and was starting the barky, walrusy cough.  I wasn't a fan because I've already taken him to the ER for croup so wasn't wanting to relive great memories.  I called ahead and we got there in time for a 4 o'clock sick visit.

I saw the names of the care providers in the office and for the briefest moment thought, "Huh.  How random would that be if that's who sees Ryan?"  But, it was fleeting and I forgot about it.

No temp.  Bark, bark.  Good weight.  Cough, cough. "Anything else before I send the doctor in?"

Nope.

Knock, knock with a simultaneous open door...

And there she was.

And my heart was okay.

As I listened to her get down to business, check out my sweet little lover, and give us a plan for the weekend (ironic) my heart began to quicken, ever so slightly.

Let's just say God and I have been down the whole heart beating to get my attention road before.  It doesn't take as much these days.  I get it God, You want me to obey...yeah, yeah.

When she was finished with business and about to hop to her feet and head out...

Me:  May I say something?
Doc:  Sure. 
Me:  I want to apologize to you. 
Doc:  Okay?
Me:  For five and a half years now I have had bitterness and unforgiveness in my heart towards you.
Doc:  Oh?  Okay.
Me:  And, of course you had no idea.  You see, we had a son who died 5 years ago and before he went to the hospital, I called on the weekend and you were the provider.  Whether you did this or not, I don't know, but the conversation came across that you were put off by getting a call on the weekend.  I was trying not to call but my friend encouraged me.  A few days later we took him to the hospital for the rest of his life.
Doc:  I am so sorry.
Me:  I am so sorry.  I'm sorry I held this unforgiveness for so long.  Will you forgive me?
Doc:  Of course.  Will you forgive me?
Me:  Of course.
Doc:  What all happened with your son?  I hope that we were supportive of you guys.
Me:  It's a long story, but yes, the practice was very supportive.
Doc:  I'm really glad you told me this.  Even if it's the 40th call on a weekend, it's important and you bringing it to my attention helps me to stop and get perspective that when I'm talking to that particular parent, that kid is the most important person at that moment.
Me:  Thank you for saying that.  It means a lot.
Doc:  I am so sorry.  Thank you for forgiving me.  My pastor just spoke on forgiveness last Sunday.  I really appreciate you saying this to me, even after all these years.
Me:  I'm sorry it's taken so long.  I don't want to carry around this toxicity, so forgiving you gives me freedom, too.  Thank you so much for your time.  I really appreciate it.
Doc:  I'd love to be part of your family's journey if you ever want to make an appointment with me.



I'm an apologizing and forgiving machine right now :)  Just kidding.  Don't push it.

But exposing my dark places to God's light is bringing me more and more freedom to finally be who God designed me to be.

I Ask Myself...

How is it a person you know and love, say, like your husband, just as an example, can encourage you and tell you something repeatedly, like something specific to do, but then when a stranger, say, like a professional counselor, just as an example, tells you the exact same thing, it's profound and motivating and just what your heart's been seeking?

I mean, just as an example, of course...

So, when I've gone to counseling before (with this same lady almost 2 years ago, now...) I have a sense of time, money and urgency driving what I say and what I leave out.  I know we are on the clock and that clock's ticking so I'd better cut through the crap and get to the good stuff...or it's cut through the good stuff and get to the crap?  They both work...

Anyway, after filling out my intake "tattle tale" sheet which has a column on the left of symptoms, behaviors, or problemos and then columns to the right labeled for "Self, Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Mother's Mother, Mother's Father, Father's Mother, Father's Father," I was trying to get a game plan in mind as to what all I should vomit all over share with the counselor.

I started with a brief overview of being a closet eater starting at a young age, family dynamics throughout the years, my more recent triggers, what I do in the face of stress, and how I feel passionate about my non-profit but don't know if I'll ever get to do anything with it...

Before I knew it time was up and she said, "I have an assignment for you."

I anxiously awaited.  Oh boy, an assignment!  This'll be good...I'm going to get a game plan for not eating out of stress...

She said:  When we meet again in two weeks, have your business plan ready to share with me regarding your non-profit.

I said:  Sweet, that sounds awesome!  Totally!  (Or something enthusiastic like this...)

I said:  Wait. One. Minute.  How come my husband can tell me I need to do this for several months but you tell me one time and I'm all motivated to go for it?!

I don't have an assignment for food...but I think she's onto something.  Like encouraging me to dream and focus on something positive, something about which I am passionate and I know God's called me to, rather than continue the cycle of beating the crap out of myself and spiraling down, down, down.

Next appointment, December 29th, 10 a.m.

The Permissible Sin

Oh man, I know I'm going to offend some people with this, though that's not my heart, intention, or motivation for writing out my thoughts here tonight.  I'm not saying I know it all or that since I'm in the midst of this I'm the queen of all wisdom.  Just sharing some thoughts...

It's just that I've been in circles where it's not talked about and truly, from experience, more promoted than anything. 

It's sad, too, because there could be a balance.  There could be so much healing and freedom.  Yet it's that elephant in the room no one speaks of, that booger in a person's nose you don't know if you should point out, the risk of sounding judgmental instead of genuinely caring.

Gluttony.

I'm calling it out because God called me out on it years ago.  He told me I was a glutton, gave me a dream about it, and smack-dab I opened the Bible flippantly one day to what I thought was just a scripture reference in my head, and ta-da, there it was, God's perspective on gluttony.

I've heard preachers talk about adultery and fornication.  Some have focused on it more than others.  Interestingly enough, they were struggling with those sins secretly, but now not so secretly...

I've heard preachers talk about money, tithing, giving, prosperity.  Some have focused on it more than others.  Again, strangest thing but they were struggling with the love of money, and to the naked eye, really not that secretly, ie gold plated jet, $2000 suits, mansions.

I've only heard one, count 'em, one preacher talk about gluttony.  I know him personally.  He is open with his love of food and how it can drive him to egg and cheese topped burgers with a side o'fries chased by a large chocolate shake at times.  He's the first preacher I've ever heard or known who has kept it real, been honest and truthful about his struggle and his pursuit of God in spite of himself.

I wish there were more preachers like him.  I wish I was more like him.  (Not the egg on the burger part...barf in my mouth a little...)

Maybe it's easier as a guy to admit your faults?  I'm not sure since I'm not a guy, but being me, and I'm a girl, it's hard to admit and air my wrongs, failures, shortcomings...sins.

I've basically grown up within a church setting, if you will.  I went to public schools but on Sundays and some Wednesdays since I was little I was involved in one way or another in church.  I saw A LOT of stuff go down over those many years, let me just say.  A LOT.  Nothing different than what you see go down on Desperate Housewives or Modern Family, or even Jerry Springer...because churches are not made up of perfect people, contrary to what we try to portray or what people outside of the church walls want to think that we think...

But one thing I haven't heard at any church pizza night, pancake feed, or ladies potluck, is that within the church walls, gluttony is not permissible.  I haven't heard it, but I also haven't heard otherwise.

No Smoking.
No Drinking.
No Drugs.
No Gambling.
No Dancing (a little Footloose, here...)
No Sex Outside Marriage.
No Skirts Above the Knee.
No you fill in the blank.

I've never heard a rant or even a peep saying, "No Seconds or Thirds."

Obviously everyone doesn't have a problem with the love of food.  Everyone isn't addicted to porn, either, but we hear that message a lot.  My point is that I think within the church, gluttony has become the permissible sin, because it's not as bad as sleeping with someone else's wife, toking the Mary Jane, or having that fourth glass of wine.  That's what we'd like to tell ourselves, but in Scripture, Jesus doesn't compare sin.  Sin is just sin.  It is what it is.

It's just food so eating too much of it or thinking about it all the time can't be that bad for us, right?

I'm sorry.  I just don't buy it.

My body was made by the Holiest of Holies.  God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth.  He told me my body is a temple and that I am to worship Him with all of me. 

So, being the idealist, realist that I am, for me, part of this journey to freedom from food addiction, aka gluttony, is to confess my sin (He already knows, but wants us to admit it...), receive forgiveness and walk as a person who is healed, drawing on God's strength to view food as it should be:  a gift for strength, healing and sustenance, something that is good, from God, and mine to enjoy in health and moderation.

Isn't it interesting that the very first offense against God by man was eating something that wasn't good for them?  Profound...

Spinning

As I stepped out of the shower yesterday morning, I wished Jason hadn't been there, brushing his teeth.  I felt frumpy.  Squishy.  Not svelte.  The last few days I have felt like I am spinning out of control, like some toy top with no destination.  My head has been jacked up.  Jacked.  In High School when we all had to shower and change in an open setting for PE, I was the girl strategically holding my towel with my teeth, backside up against the open locker, maneuvering my clothes so no one would see my parts.  I'm NOT that way with my husband, but I will say that when I feel fat or ugly, I wish for his own good he didn't have to see me.

Perspective.  It's all about perspective, though.  What my eye sees and what my husband sees are apparently two different things.  I wish I could see what he sees 100% of the time instead of seeing through the foggy battleground that is my mind!

Me:  Sweetheart, let's just talk about the elephant in the room...no pun intended, ironically...

He stared at me blankly.

Me:  Sweetheart, obviously I've gained 10 lbs in the last month...I feel out of control with food and I just need to figure out how to get my head on straight!  I'm sorry I'm such a freak!

Him:  Adrienne, I think you are gorgeous!  I just wish you would go to counseling like you said you wanted to for a while, and get some help.  I know your mom or my sister would be glad to watch Ry while you go to an appointment, or you could go on a Friday when I work from home.  I just want you to be okay...

Me:  You are right.  I'll call tomorrow.

I have gone to counseling off and on in the past for grief.  Several months back I called to make an appointment to talk about body image but they didn't have an opening for a month and feeling as desperate as I did at the time, a month was too far out, so I just never made an appointment.  I must have gotten my act together for a time because life just went on.

Well, this past weekend was a horrible, no good, very bad weekend in my food arena.  Not only did I eat out of boredom and stress (it's not that I am ever bored...it's that my plate gets so full I'm not able to get a clear picture of priority vs. busyness and I want to accomplish SOMETHING so then I just multi-task piddly things that don't leave me feeling like I did anything right!) but I unknowingly ate a hearty helping of really yummy turkey meatballs that were likely made with egg and gluten, two of my allergens.  I'm NOT exaggerating when I tell you that my stomach was so distended yesterday and last night I looked 7 months pregnant...and I'm not kidding!  That's just how I looked...how I felt was like a pregnant lady in her first trimester but with 2nd and 3rd trimester cravings!  Confession:  I tried a new gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, soy-free chocolate chip cookie recipe and ate a dozen.  I sent the rest to Em's class.   

This morning at 8:30 I called the counseling office.  December 8th is the first opening.  Tears rimmed my eyes because it seems so far out there!  I secured the time slot and breathed calmly not letting the receptionist hear the choke in my throat that was tightening from the tears that were now flowing.  I even smiled as I finished up the call so as to mask my now shaky voice.

It took a lot for me to make that call.  The funny thing is, just the act of making the call helped the spinning in my head at least slow down a bit.   

I know I have problems.  That's why I have this stupid blog.  Why I feel out of control lately, I'm not sure?!  One thing I do know is until December 8th at 11:00 I'm going to keep myself very, very, very, very, very, very busy.  When I am busy I don't graze nor do I have time to think about food.  There is a scripture in Titus that talks about the young wives being busy at home.  God put it on my heart the other day.  I've translated my mile-long task and to-do list to actually being busy when in reality, I've been doing the fight or flight approach.  All the things that are left undone in my home are so overwhelming and seem daunting that I blow them off and survive in the day to day, accomplishing things that are daily tasks, therefore never checking off the big ticket items...

No point to this post and no eloquent way to end it.  I'm spinning.  I'd like to stop spinning and just be.  I want to be free to finally be me.

More thoughts tomorrow...

Making Out

So, it's been a busy week! I think when I'm really busy, active, not around the house in close proximity to the pantry, I don't really think about food as much. Maybe I should get a job out of the house? No. My non-profit and my jewelry business can both be done from home, and the thought of leaving Ryan makes me nauseous, so I can't escape the house, just need to find the balance.

So, the other day, Monday morning, I was 151.2, then the next day I was 150. Yesterday I was 148. Today I am 148.2. All in a week. I've eaten well and not grazed in the kitchen. When I wanted "crunchy" I have chosen apples and almonds and ants on a log. And the ".2" came literally after just having some rice and beans with my dinner last night. I also had a dozen corn chips, thinking, "It's just a few...it shouldn't throw me off..." I guess I'm just that sensitive when it comes to carbs. I'm not concerned about the numbers...just reporting them because it helps me keep my head in the game.

HJ, it's not that I'm not having any carbs. It's that I'm trying to make the right carb choices. The closer any food is to the way God made it, the better it is for our bodies. For instance, our bodies recognize a whole grain better than once it's ground into a fine flour. It was designed to process it and use it to its fullest potential. The more we eat the foods that are processed and refined, the slower our bodies are to know what to do with them, thus storing them...It's not that I think I can't ever have these, it's that I know these things can't be the majority of my food intake.

Anyway, so, the other night while I was praying about this whole journey, something came to mind that I've never related to my eating patterns. When I was somewhere between 2nd grade and the beginning of 3rd grade, I was asked to play a game. It was in a friend's fort in his back yard and the game included me, two neighbor boys who were in either 3rd or 4th grade and another friend. The boys wanted to pretend they were Santa Claus and we had to sit on their laps and tell them what we wanted for Christmas. They told us we had to ask for French kisses. I didn't know what a French kiss was but I was soon to find out. I'm not sure how long this Christmas extravaganza went on that day, but what I do know looking back on it, is that I remember not liking it at the time. I remember thinking it wasn't something I wanted to be doing. I remember feeling like it was something I wouldn't want to tell my parents because I thought I would get in trouble. I knew it was something I wanted to hide.

I know now that my parents wouldn't have punished me.

Now, as an adult, I am mad that Satan is such a freaking pervert! I am ticked that he lies to our hearts and minds to believe that something that is supposed to be beautiful should be hidden.

I love making out with my husband. I didn't love making out with boys in a fort in Mesa, Arizona. That's too grown up for an 8 year old. Heck, it's too grown up for some college kids I've met.

Anyway, I've never really thought of that fort experience as anything other than kids being stupid. I've never related it to anything in my life as far as habits or behaviors go, because I have a healthy and beautiful relationship with my husband. But, as I trace my steps, this all happened around the same time that I began eating secretively. And, looking back at relationships I had with guys in junior high and high school, I can see that I was secretive with my behaviors with them, hiding make out sessions from my parents, not communicating with them about things, looking back, I could have saved my heart from.

I forgive those boys. One of them died while I was in 3rd grade, about a half hour after we walked home from the bus together. If I didn't forgive them then, I have already at some point, I know that for sure. I don't think the make out session with the Santa's was the reason I started eating secretly. It may be one of the key ingredients, but either way, I'm grateful God brought it to my remembrance as I am retracing these steps so I can go there, forgive again if I have to, and walk away from it knowing that I'm not a bad or unworthy girl just because I played in a fort one day in 1980. And my body doesn't have to keep taking that abuse...