McBigFatProblem

I have a confession.

In the summer of 1988, my parents made me get a summer job.  Apparently going to swim team in the morning for an hour and a half, then coming home to lay out in the pool for 6 more hours with a pitcher of sun tea and jug of baby oil, working on my tan lines, wasn't a real job.

Who knew?

I kid, but seriously.

I worked at McDonald's.

(*Pause.)

I will wait as you catch your breath, come to, reorient, whatever you need to do to continue reading here.

I will write that again in order for it to soak in...I worked at McDonald's.

#instagram #confession #notlovinit

We all have those jobs from adolescence we look back and are able to laugh at...and there really is so much to laugh at regarding this whole scenario.  Oh, the irony!  Hindsight brings such clarity, as well as research, educational films, websites, and nutritional books, but the information I've gleaned from this clarity isn't funny at all.  The black leather Keds to go with my black polyester pants, Golden Arches on the rear pocket...that's funny.  After only one summer of working there in my whole life, the fact that I can still say, "Hi!  Welcome to McDonald's.  My name is Adrienne.  May I take your order?"  Disturbing, yet funny. 

Over the years learning about health and nutrition, eating as close to the way God created food in the first place, then feeling the effects of it in my body, as well as my brain and energy, do make me look back and laugh at this picture, but cringe I had anything to do with Big Brother and our rampant health crisis in America to any degree.

The idea I actually thought eating there on my breaks was still a good idea even after orientation and training, well, hindsight reveals this not funny at all!  More of a brainwash session, really.

The owners were very honest, hard-working people who owned several franchises.  Physically, they didn't look as if they ate at Mickey D's regularly.  Our particular location was clean and well managed.  All that to say, truth be told, the last time I ate there was while I was pregnant with Emily, first trimester.  I wanted what the "SuperSize" guy craved:  I wanted fat and grease.  I drove through the Drive-Thru and had a cheeseburger, hold the mustard, not because I don't like mustard, I actually love it and craved it while pregnant with Ryan, but because I knew they had to make me a fresh burger if I put in a "special order."  If you are into math, Em's entering 6th grade, so that's how long it's been...

What's the point of this post, besides making fun of my high school summer job?  Well, let's just say, even as a high school kid, I knew deep down inside that smelling like a french fry every day for an entire summer, and eating a cheeseburger without mustard each day on my break, could not be good for me.  Just like out of a commercial, the next summer and summer after, I worked next door at Subway.

Which is a totally different story altogether and a load of laughs for another post, but back to the point of this one...

God created our bodies to understand the foods HE created.  And if God did make burgers, do you think He'd put up to 100 cows into one?  And did you know He created them to eat grass?  The stomachs of cows were designed to eat grass, not corn.  But setting meat aside altogether since that's a hot topic, we wonder why we are sick and diseased, achy and growing old at an alarming rate, earlier than in history...maybe "alive" longer, but not really LIVING.

*Just something to think on:  If God designed our DNA to understand the DNA in foods He designed, wouldn't it make sense that we feel better when we eat a majority of foods in the "whole food" category?

I ask this, not because I am perfect and don't ever eat GMO foods or foods in aisles in boxes with words I'm unable to pronounce since I failed chemistry, but I ask this of myself, and challenge myself, to choose the foods which are closer to the way God designed them in the first place, because, maybe, just maybe, my body will flourish and feel strong as a result.

Do I do this 100% of every day?  Nope.  As a rule of thumb, I eat "clean" 85-90% of the time, then depending on the events of the week or upcoming holidays, I'll let loose a bit.  You can bet chocolate in some form is on the agenda.  I usually can feel the effects pretty quickly, but once I get back on my "clean" wagon routine, I'm feeling good again.

If you are achy, dealing with bloating, gassy, arthritic, tired, cranky, short-tempered, experiencing memory loss, sleep deprivation, intense cravings, and whatever other things you may just think "go along with aging," I dare you, even if you don't eat at McDon*alds, the next time you go to the grocery store or to a restaurant or search the web for a new recipe to serve yourself or your family, ask yourself the question above, marked with an asterisk, in bold and italics.

And then listen to your body and see how you feel.

If we don't believe our digestive systems have anything to do with our current state of health, we're just drinking the Kool-Aid.

Leftovers

I have a journal where I will write both my own thoughts, God's thoughts (those smarter than me that pop into my head), and Scripture.  I love writing scripture with a pen and paper because first I read it, then I read it out loud, then I write as much as I can remember without looking, and then I fill in the rest by referring back to the open page.

And even with that much repetition, I need to go back to it, fresh each day.

When the Israelites had been freed from captivity in Egypt, following their leader Moses out into the desert, not really knowing the land they'd finally settle in, it didn't take much time for them to wonder where on earth they would find food and water.

Moses sought God's face for himself and the people he loved.

God provided quail and manna each day...but He warned the people not to store up the food for the following day because He would provide fresh, new food each dawn.

We all know if we leave a Twinkie (RIP), okay not a Twinkie but some other chemically laden "food" chock-full of preservatives on the counter for a year, it'll still be pretty much the same Ding-Dong it was at the beginning.  However, if we leave a piece of lasagna or peeled banana or fresh zucchini on the counter for too long, crust, slime, and bacteria will begin to form, and we'll be the first ones to chuck it into the trash. 

Picture courtesy: laborpains.org

We know when food is old.  AND, if our heads aren't smart enough to know it, our stomachs or bowels will tell us later...We know this because God designed our bodies with

DNA to recognize REAL, life-giving food.

For years, and I admit and confess and am stating it isn't healthy, I have eaten a daily diet of old food.  Don't get me wrong, none of God's word is old or stinky or rotten.  However, as has been my practice as a strong, independent, prideful woman who is capable of much, I've tried to sustain myself on "leftovers" many times rather than heading DAILY to God in my deserts and getting new manna each morning.

I think, "Oh, I know that Scripture...I even wrote it down, so it's in me.  I've known it since I was a teenager...what is it again?" 

On this journey of freedom from food addiction, God's word has become my number one source of energy and nutrition.  The more I feast on it, the more I want fresh food and a fresh word...

And so here is something I wrote in my journal on January 17th of this year, but went back and read today, a fresh meal to feast on for a new day:

"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.  I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.  My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.  God - you're my God!  I can't get enough of you!  I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God, traveling across dry and weary deserts.  So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, drinking in your strength and glory.  In your generous love I am really living at last!"  - From Psalm 63:3-5, The Message

History of an Eater

The book I'm reading, "Stop Eating Your Heart Out," one, is totally awesome, and two, has assignments or exercises for 21 days, or you can spread it out over a longer period of time.  Anyway, the first exercise is to write out your food history.

Boy, that was fun.  Actually, I've done quite a bit of it here on "Confessions of a 2nd Grade Closet Eater" but I tried to go back chronologically from my very first memory of food and move forward from there.  It was a compelling exercise and brought to light some of the reasons I have chosen eating or food in general, over true nourishment.

Here are a few thoughts I wrote down in no particular order, some good, others notsomuch, and without a grammatical care in the world:

• "Clean your plate.  There are starving kids in Africa."
• We ate meals together as a family, and I liked that...
• Latchkey kid who ate crap while no one was looking because I think I was afraid or alone...Hershey syrup on saltines.
• My mom made balanced meals with veggies and protein.
• I loved going to my best friend's house for dinner b/c they ate at Taco Bell and McDonald's a lot.
• I ordered cheeseburgers and Shirley Temples whenever we went to a restaurant...that is, until I tasted fresh crab legs.
• We made homemade cookies together.  My mom didn't buy them.  I liked that.
• My mom packed healthy lunches.  In junior high I would sometimes throw my food in the trash and buy french fries and chocolate shakes.
• I remember in elementary school sitting on the toilet counting fat rolls on my belly, even though my arms and legs were long and lean.  Always had a round face.  (*this was enlightening in regard to my gluten/dairy/egg allergy and all I know about it NOW!)
• In High School I NEVER, EVER, EVER drank pop.  It was my "thing" I guess.  I cleaned up my eating somewhat and was involved in sports, so ate more for strength.  What a concept?
• I started dieting in 9th grade with bouts of Slim Fast shakes and weeks of Weight Watcher menus.
• "Don't eat that.  It will make you fat."
• Though I ate junk openly all growing up, the effects and conversation about it was more focused on weight/fat/appearance rather than avoiding certain foods for health and nutrition reasons.
• Gross:  in elementary school my big sister and I would fight over who got to gnaw on the juicy steak bone at my grandparents house...ewwww.
• In college at SAGA I lined up 2 waters and 2 Dr. Peppers across my tray at lunch and dinner.  I would also eat a Twix bar almost every day and Little Debbie shit at 11:00 at night on Mondays at Hall Meeting...the "Snack Chairwoman" would be BEAT if she forgot our carbs...
• When I crave it's always sugar and carbs, treats, "rewards", the forbidden foods - like forbidden fruit?
• In High School my grandparents told me they were worried about my weight (remember round face).  Who knew all along I was eating all my allergens?!  I have been 5'9ish since high school and weighed 140 when I graduated...and my grandparents were worried about my weight?!  Nice!  $%^&*  If that doesn't mess with a teenage girls' heart, I don't know what does.  Looking back, I wasn't actually FAT until I worked at NWC and ate dorm food like one of the kids!

Anyway, there are more and more nuggets I wrote down, but it's a good exercise to simply write your heart out on paper.  There's also an exercise to write a food journal in the book, which has been easy this last week while fasting :)  Ummm, liquids or veggies.

Without further ado, here's day 6.  (*I'll post day 5 prior to 6 so you can see, if any, changes.  Also, note, now that we are back in full swing of a school schedule, my first-thing-in-the-morning pictures are literally first-thing...like, uber early, so who knows if this experiment will show healthy benefits or just that I'm getting old ;)  )

Day 5

Day 6...and I promise that is a different white t-shirt!  I have 4!  Which is a #firstworldproblem but that's another post...when I said early, I mean, there may be bags :)  My sinuses are totally CLEAR!  No stuck joints this morning.  And, I did my lower body "Lift Like a Girl" program with craploads of energy!  Even extra reps...

I'll leave you with this, from a scripture card my friend printed and laminated for me years ago which I keep on my jewelry box sitting in my closet:

"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.  I will praise you as long as I live, in your name I will lift up my hands.  My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you."  Psalm 63:3-5 NIV

Here it is in the Message:

"God - you're my God!  I can't get enough of you!  I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God, traveling across dry and weary deserts.  So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, drinking in your strength and glory.  In your generous love I am really living at last!  My lips brim praises like fountains.  I bless you every time I take a breath; My arms wave like banners of praise to you."

The Face of Detox

*Warning!!!  There very well may be expletives.  I don't know.  I'll just see how it all flows out of me...I warned you!


No way.  No how.

Huh-uh.

I wasn't going to share this portion of my journey.  I mean, who in their RIGHT mind actually posts crappy pictures of themselves on-line?  Right?!  Except I was curious.

I'll get to that in a minute...

I swung by for a visit with my 96 year-old grandpa the other day.  I was curious.  I mean, 96 is up there, you know?  Now, think about it.  My gramps was born in 1917.  He isn't the face of youth, currently, but he's likely older than you.  I asked him what he ate as a kid, growing up...how often his mom made baked goods.  This was his answer:

"I ate a lot of vegetables and fruit.  We ate potatoes, too.  We had meat a few times a week, not at every meal.  We ate a lot of fish and chicken, mostly.  Eggs.  We had cake or cookies maybe once a month or maybe twice...for a birthday or something.  We ate fruit for dessert.  You know what the problem is with everyone today?  They're eating too many damned processed foods, it's making everyone sick and obese.  No one needs to eat as much food as we seem to think we need in America."

I didn't even ask my grandpa "What the problem was..."  I just was curious what it was that he ate as a kid.  My grandpa doesn't even know what the Internet is.  He has a cell phone he rarely uses and watches a TV at his retirement home in between naps, but it's not like he's done 10-15 years of research like I've done, either in books or on-line, to know we've both come to the same conclusion...

...so, yes, that means I could have just asked my grandpa this forever ago and saved myself a lot of work.  But, I'm grateful to do the research and also to have it confirmed through wisdom which comes from history and time.

So, as I said, I was curious.  With the holidays I ate my fair share of treats, albeit gluten free and mostly egg free, but I ate bites here and there of my major food allergens, along with a little wine over the season which I had been off of for 3 months.

And I was feeling more and more crummy.  In the mornings I felt as if I'd been hit by a truck.  My knuckles were getting stuck in an arthritic position upon wakening.  My sleep sucked.  My joints were achy.  My eyes were puffy and my skin saggy and grayish.  I had major sinus drainage, gas, bloating, and had gained, easily, 10 lbs, which I could tell by only being able to wear one pair of jeans by the end of break...the not-so-skinny jeans.

Knowing me, I had to do something radical.  So, last Wednesday after conscious indulgence of chocolate and wine and even a regular gluten-y, egg, and buttery cookie, I declared to myself I was going to start a fast Thursday morning...and I wanted to take a picture of myself each morning specifically to see if my face would brighten just from eating healthier food.

My protocol is a combo of things I've done over the years and read here and there, but the premise was to start out on water and cran-water with arabinogalactan from Biosanes while taking my supplements (fish oil, pro-biotics, women's multi) for the first 6 days (I set that because from last Thursday to tomorrow, my birthday, is 6 days) and then I'd add vegetables for a time.

Well, how it's gone so far is day 1 was all liquids, day 2 I had a lettuce salad with roasted veggies at dinner (Jason's belated work Christmas party).  Day 3 I had liquids, including a "Virgin Mary" consisting of V8 and Garden of Life Greens with a shot of Tabasco.  Day 4, a lettuce salad with roasted veggies and salsa for lunch and kale and broccoli for dinner.  Day 5 (today), clear liquids.  Tomorrow will be day 6 and I'll have a meal with my family of lettuce and more roasted veggies at dinner, but I'll document that when it happens.

Then, for the rest of January I am going to eat veggies, one piece of fruit a day, and will eventually add in fish one week, chicken the next, and beef/bison/buffalo the final week.  Maybe.  I might just stick with veggies all month.  Because I feel so clean already.

My doctor is on board with all of this (saw him today) and recommended a non-genetically modified soy protein if I am not going to eat meat the rest of the month, ONLY because I am also currently on week 4 of a 15-week lifting program called, "Lift Like a Girl."  I've got some pipes.  Don't mess ;)

So, starting tomorrow, I'll get you up to date, but, oh my gosh, let's just say, who the hell needs a picture of some other girls ripped abs or tight thighs to motivate when all I had to do was scare the hell out of myself by taking a first-thing-in-the-morning self-portrait?!  Actually, that was the cherry on top...the way I was FEELING was more of my motivation!  I took the pictures to see if how I felt matched how I actually looked in the mirror.

Yep.  It did.

But, seriously!  I'm not interested in looking at a picture of some other girl's great arms as inspiration...I'm more interested in taking charge of my own health, being a good steward of this temple God has called "me", and seeing my own healthy arms in the mirror one day.  Looking at a magazine with retouched pictures of women with rad bodies doesn't inspire me, instead it makes me want to eat more chocolate.

Looking at myself in these pictures has had the OPPOSITE effect!

So, without further ado, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap...*the following are untouched first-thing-in-the-morning pictures.  Brace your friggin' self!

Day 1- holy shit...Thursday, 1/3, Happy Friggin' New Year, Adrienne!  Point taken.

After one day of liquids and one seriously tough mother Zumba workout with the Amazing Ashleigh at HotFitness in Castle Rock, CO

Day 2 - okay...so I don't look like I was hit by a truck, right?!  Well, maybe a small one.  One day.  ONE, people.

Day 3 - feeling good, less sinus drainage, but joints still stuck in morning, and yes, I wore the same pajama shirt...

Day 4 - Em in background with her new short haircut,  looking a little puffy, likely from salt in salsa and roasted veggies, but feeling good, minus achy muscles from lifting like a girl.  Okay, yeah, I need to throw that shirt in the wash...

Day 5 - I wore an orange t-shirt to bed and it made the first picture coloration weird, so I slung a white towel over my chest.  Also was trying to avoid a porn shot of Jason in the shower behind me...anyway, woke up feeling great.  Sinus drainage almost entirely gone, no stiff joints this morning, just sore pipes.  No stinky gas or bloating.  And, and, AND I fit in my favorite jeans.  AND, and, And, I don't miss sugar or starches AT ALL.

 And here's a last pic I took just a couple of hours ago.  I do have on eye make up and some bronzer, which works friggin' miracles, but I wouldn't want to leave you with a horror shot from the previous pictures in your head.  You don't need nightmares.  I'm nice like that.

If ANYONE is interested in doing a Daniel Fast (which, by the way, ROCKS, when doing along with reading and studying the actual book of Daniel!!!) or just cleaning up and breaking free from food addiction (*reading THIS right now...) and want to join me here or share your experience, let me know :)  I always like team sports!

I don't know how to add a "Linky" but maybe someone who does could tell me...???

See you tomorrow, bright and early!  Ugh.

12 Steps to Perfection

If it were that easy, we would have all been made perfect as toddlers...on our 12th step.

Except I have a toddler.  He is pretty sure footed now at 2 years old, but even this morning, he fell down a few stairs and bonked his melon, leaving a not-so-pretty hematoma on his forehead.

...glad we did Christmas pictures last weekend...even if there isn't one where we're all looking at the camera at the same time.  At least there's no hematoma, right?!

I went to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting on Monday morning at a local church.  The ladies had already been meeting for a little over a month, so part of me felt like I was intruding.  They had built time and trust together over the previous weeks, and though I'm one to jump in with two feet, they may not be willing to fling their hearts wide open to a stranger.

I guess it is what it is.  Because I'm sticking it out...

Everyone went around, shared their name and their beef.  As my turn approached, my heart was beating out of my chest and I felt nauseous.  Usually if my heart is beating out of my chest it's God's prompting, urging me to share something He has put on my heart.  When it came to me, the leader instead had the two last girls after me share first, since they were regulars.

And then it was my turn.

When I finally shared, there was no beating.  I mean, just the regular 50-60ish that keep me alive, but I guess when I shared:

"Hi!  My name is Adrienne and I've been a closet eater since 2nd grade, having food as an idol instead of my God,"

in yet again, another public setting, it just brought it more to light, exposing my hidden behaviors, lighting the way to continued freedom from the lies of false comfort and self-gratification.

It's so interesting, this journey.

Over the past 30+ years there have been years in a row where I didn't struggle one thought or iota over this whole ordeal.  Then, ironically, in the last 10 years as I've researched and studied healthy foods and why I have digestive issues/allergies/etc, I've thought more about food: what I can or cannot have. And then I guess I've thought of it too much.

But what really busts my chops is the previous 5 years, specifically.  You see, I had a son.  And he died.  And none of this is really about food at all.  It isn't.  It's about my inability to be perfect or preform perfectly here on earth.

It's about my lifelong ingrained sickness of striving.

Kristin Armstrong says in her book, Work in Progress,

"When we try to be and do the things that are outside our true selves, we turn into strivers.  

Strivers are people who endlessly struggle for perfection and end up with far less than good enough..." 

You see, in my head, having lost a child, I should have every. single. bit. of. my. act. together.  Every day.  All day.  All the time.  Act together.

In my head, I think that was ample heartache where I shouldn't ever struggle or stumble, with ANYTHING...like that was the end all, be all lesson of life learned.  And, so, when I fall down the stairs and get a hematoma, I beat myself up and think I'm an idiot because I know how to walk, and shouldn't I have learned?!

Whereas Ryan looked straight to me, his mom and his comforter, cried in my arms, rested his head on my shoulder, shed tears because of his pain, but didn't beat himself up or think himself less because he stumbled.  He simply accepted and received my nurturing and unconditional love.

I need to learn more from my toddler.  I'm taking steps.  There will likely be more than 12 steps toward healing in my future, but they will be forward and in the right direction, pointed toward the One Who is my Father and my Comforter, my Healer...my Source.  And in time, my steps will be more sure-footed, sound, firm, deeply-rooted, established in Him.

And rather than PERFECTION as the goal, I'm going to cast off that striver mentality and give it my all.  My best.  I'm going to give my whole heart to God and hope it is good enough.

"Good enough means being able to accept who and where we are with grace and gratitude and being content with ourselves as works in progress...We know we can't make it on our own or by using our old methods, so we go to the Source." - Kristin Armstrong

I Worship Food

I read The Message.  I have read the NIV for 25 years and just this year, in January, I started reading The Message as my daily bread rather than the other version I know all too well.  Making it my "daily bread" continues to be a process...sometimes I choose food.

I found this in The Message the other morning, "First you eat to live and then you live to eat."  I have found myself on the right side of the previous sentence, and let's just say, it isn't pretty.  And it isn't "right."

I'm not talking about appearances here.  I'm talking about priorities and the 10 Commandments.  I'm talking about that sentence, "First you eat to live and then you live to eat," and how the "and" is the balance for the teeter totter but I've tried to kid myself that even though I "eat clean" or avoid certain foods or know my allergies, that I'm actually "balanced."

No other god besides Me.

The truth is, I have lived to eat for so many years now that it's just become the norm.

And within Christianity, it's totally acceptable.  We should be ashamed.

No other god besides Me.

What started out as research to figure out what foods were causing bloating, gas, weight gain, dry skin, dark circles, constipation, burping, inflammation and arthritic symptoms, basically evolved into an addiction to "Food Porn."  For reals.

Why do I need an alternative to chocolate chip cookies?  Yes I'm allergic to eggs, wheat, and dairy, but to take so much time surfing the Internet to find that one amazing alternative recipe is time-not-well-spent.  Plus, I found the ultimate "alternative" recipe for chocolate chip cookies pretty close to right away, so looking any further has literally been wasted time.  And it's only led to more searching for more "alternatives."

And T.  I.  M.  E.  is my love language.

No other god besides Me.

So, here's a wake up call for me:  all the time I have spent in my life looking for alternative food recipes and worrying about being fat and bingeing on bags of chips and even allergen-friendly foods, all that time and energy, has added up to what?

I'll tell you.  It's added up to a lowercase god who has taken the place of my capital letter God.  The One and Only.  Except He hasn't been...He's been shoved aside as I've welcomed all the little guys.

No other god besides Me.

The time I've been spending in the mornings reading The Message and studying the book of Daniel, via a Beth Moore study, have shown me more than I wanted, but exposed everything in my deepest, darkest spots.

And the results?  Seriously gross stuff.

You see, when we allow all the lights to be turned on and the storage room emptied out, not all that is found and exposed will be helpful and useful.  Some of it, sure, yeah, good stuff, like certain tools and patterns of thinking or behavior that are healthy.  However, have you ever seen the show, "Hoarders?"

Sick and wrong.

Yet, that's what we have inside our lives when we lie to ourselves and believe we can stuff secrets or do it on our own strength or just muster up enough self-discipline, no matter our "vice."

The truth is, God is in love with each of us very, very, very much.  And He desires for a kind of relationship where there are no secrets between us and Him, but where there is total trust on our parts that He really is a loving God, very much interested in our intimate affairs.  He doesn't say, "No other god besides Me," because He is ego-centric.  He knows life's complications and He has all the answers...Imagine if I had always just sought Him instead of looking for instant gratification in food and other indulgences...

An old friend recently posted this song on Facebook and it's been on repeat for a few days now...I cannot get it out of my head or heart.

I know God is calling me on the carpet.

Listen a few times, google the lyrics, sit with it a few more times and ask yourself, "What in my life is an idol?"





Food has been my idol in one way or another for 30-some years.

I lay it down.

Again.

No other god besides Me.

God, I know You satisfy.  I have tasted.  You are Life.  The rest is temporary fulfillment.

So, on a practical note, one, I'm blogging this.  Two, I've told my dearest friends, openly, and, three, on Monday morning I'll be heading to Celebrate Recovery because I've been called to be a woman of God, nothing less.

Nothing less.

I'm So Weak that I am STRONG!

Wow!  Has it been over a month since I've been here?

Funny how during that time I've had great days and days where I still wrestle and battle with food, health, loving myself, choices.  And all the while I've tried to do so much on my own strength.  And for what?  So I could say, "Look at me!  I have amazing self-discipline!  I am a ROCK!  I am so strong!"

The truth is, every. single. time. I try to do ANYTHING on my own strength, I fail.  And epically, I must say.

When will I learn? 

Perfection is the Enemy.

Grace is the Gift.

When will I learn that doing life in my own strength then becomes a life about me?

And the only time "A Life All About Me" is acceptable is when a person hasn't received God's gracious love and forgiveness through what Christ did for us on the cross.

Yes, I said it.  Selfishness is expected from anyone who does not follow Christ.

However, selflessness or dying to self, is counter cultural, exactly what is meant to come with a life surrendered and laid down to God's bigger picture.  So, selfishness as a Christ-follower is unacceptable.

I'm grateful that each time I fall short and have lost sight, God is gracious.  And, He receives my heart again and again and again.

^{2 Corinthians 12:7-10} Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.

My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

When God made us in His image, we were perfect.

Since the Fall of man, we lost that luxury.  However, Satan's lies and relentless pursuit of us here on earth has been to deceive us that our goal is to be perfect in all things, or in anything.

Like Paul says above to the Corinthians, "Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size - (self) abuse, (colossal binge eating) accidents, (failure) opposition, bad breaks.  I just let Christ take over!  And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become!" (emphasis mine)

In a Nutshell

I've been away from a scale for Friday weigh-in's the last two weeks, but I weighed in this morning and am 129.0 lbs.

This is pretty crazy because over this past weekend I literally ate 100 pistachios, easily, not to mention so much other great food.  But I stayed active.  Very, very active.

I know nuts and seeds are not on my food intake list until next weekend, actually, but we were guests at a friend's ranch and I was doing my best to navigate the menu without drawing attention to myself.  I was able to grab fruit and salads and veggies on most occasions, but not always a little meat.  It all worked out and the night they had pizza, I darned near emptied the pistachio jar.  (Yep...any of you reading who were also at the ranch, that was me...sorry!)  And, I'm truly not being legalistic, which is a first for me pretty much in my whole life when it comes to myself and my own behavior.

Anyway, I'm finding that I have a ton of energy.  I'm sleeping so soundly and am able to spring out of bed in the morning to greet the Lord and read The Message.

I've looked at a little food porn lately, and by "food porn" I mean some recipe blogs and websites.  Particularly, I've been searching ones that are solely Primal or Paleo in nature.  This is essentially how I will be eating the rest of my life 95% of the time.  But, looking at food porn at this point in my cleanse is NOT a good idea, only because it's inevitable...I'm looking for a main course meal option with tons of veggies and fish or meat and then a grain-free, vegan baked good pops up on the site that's all chocolaty and amazing looking and I start to drool and wonder if I have the ingredients on hand.  And that's what I mean by "food porn."

Anyway, I'm enjoying working out again, which for a season it seemed like I just was doing it out of fear of fatness or fear of being a lazy 40-something who makes the excuse of just being too busy.  Now, I feel so strong.  I even discovered I have deltoids over the weekend.  Whofreakingknew?!  I didn't!  I have literally never had definition in my arms, though I've had muscles I could feel under a coating.

I'm not trying to lose weight or anything like that at this point.  I'm building muscle and trying to gain strength and tone.  I can curl 15 lbs now.  And, I did 40 push-ups in a row on Saturday.  Followed by 35 more.  I do them on my knees, but if you think that is wimpy, then go ahead and try it...all the way to the floor, wide push-ups and Yoga-style tricep chaturanga push-ups.


Ready:  Go!  (Yeah...that's what I thought...)

I've also just finished the book, "Unchain Your Brain," by Dr. Daniel Amen, MD, and Dr. David E. Smith, MD.  If you suffer from any kind of addiction, I would highly recommend this book!  The subtitle is, "10 steps to breaking the addictions that steal your life."  I re-checked it out from the library so I can read it again, it was just that helpful.

Food is a real addiction.  I'm breaking free from mine!

No food in the world is worth hurting myself or sabotaging just for the taste or comfort.  If my head isn't on straight to make that healthful or unhealthy food choice, then I've been getting out of the kitchen or situation, and changing course.

Will I ever eat sweets or treats again?  Yeah.  Once in a while.  But in America, we eat it every day and we wonder why we have so many diseases...it really is no wonder.

There is no reason to wonder.

Stop wondering.  

Write down what you eat and how you feel and then make changes to feel better.  One choice at a time.  No one else can choose health for you.  Loving yourself doesn't mean rewarding yourself with foods that make you sick.  Loving yourself is nourishing your body and brain.

How close is the food you are about to consume to its original DNA God-design?  Keep this question in mind at the store, at restaurants, and at home.

Eating whole tastes awesome!


God knew what He was doing when He made it...imagine that!?

Feeling Good!

I'm just over two weeks into this thing.

I feel good.

I feel clean.

In fact, my brain feels healthy and that is of utmost importance to me, even above and beyond my physical well-being.

I haven't followed each exercise day to a "T" but have done something active almost every day.  This past weekend we drove to South Dakota for a wedding and it rained for a majority of the time.  I didn't get out and walk like I thought I would, but we were so busy with wedding planning and preparation, I never had a chance to really sit, so I felt active.

South Dakota, as much as I love it, has historically been a place of overeating for me.  And over 21 years of many, many visits, I've allowed really fabulous memories of being surrounded by people I love dearly become intertwined with making poor food choices.  Every gathering centers around food and celebration, which is wonderful.  However, for the most part, the recipes have been high-carb, high-sugar, high-fat, allergy-laden, or just plain old out of proportion, for me.

Being on this cleanse and getting it into my head that I am allergic or sensitive to certain foods really empowered my mind to set the tone for the choices I made all weekend.  I wasn't sad that I was allergic to or avoiding a majority of the menus.  I was able to eat great meat, tons of veggies, and ample fruit throughout the weekend and am able to look back on the whole experience without one regret.

NOT ONE SINGLE REGRET.

For me, that is huge!  HUGE!

I hate regrets, especially when it pertains to food or excess intake of it, or a particular culprit.

Having a plan written out and a course of action in place for eating healthily has been a great help to me.  I encourage you.  You can make healthy choices.  It's not about how you look in the mirror...it's about stewardship.  We are given one physical body on this earth.  The one you are sitting in right now...that's it, baby.  Are you nurturing it with real life-giving foods or overloading it with "food" it does not comprehend, stuff found constantly in boxes, bags, and with dozens of "ingredients" you aren't able to pronounce?

It's about loving yourself.  If you eat that third piece of pie, you aren't "sticking it to the man" or giving an "in your face" to the person who hurt your heart.  They could care less if you are unhealthy.  You are only taxing your body, asking it to process two pieces more than it should.

It's about whether you can chase your kids at the park, fly kites with them, ride bikes, swim at the pool or lake with them and their friends, climb up into their beds to read at night, wrestle on the floor with them...

...and if you don't have kids, it's about being able to enjoy your friends, relationships, or spouse without obsessing about your back fat, taking a walk or going mountain biking or climbing together, canoeing, running, laughing, enjoying life together, instead of succumbing to being irritable, cranky, and feeling like heck because your brain is toxic from the wrong foods.

Just because I can't eat recipes with eggs, dairy, or gluten doesn't mean I missed out on anything this last weekend.

I actually got to take part and enjoy what mattered the most:  SPENDING TIME WITH SO MANY PEOPLE THAT I LOVE AND FOR WHOM I AM GRATEFUL.

*If you read this feeling sorry for me whatsoever, I would challenge you to start peeling off the layers in your own mind of what really matters and if you, indeed, have a food addiction.  If you believe I missed out on anything, food wise, I would challenge your thinking...

Fresh Start, Week 1

So, this week went pretty well for me, spiritually, mentally, and physically.

I've enjoyed my quiet mornings each day with prayer and some digging into The Message version of the Bible, reading Romans, Luke, and some Psalms, as I sip on my hot lemon water to get my liver going.  I'd like to share something I saw for the first time this morning which encouraged my heart:

"God made my life complete

when I placed all the pieces before him.

When I got my act together,

he gave me a fresh start.

Now I'm alert to God's ways;

I don't take God for granted.

Every day I review the ways he works;

I try not to miss a trick.

I feel put back together,

and I'm watching my step.

God rewrote the text of my life

when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes."

(Psalm 18:20-24, The Message)

I'm reading "Unchain Your Brain" by Dr. Daniel Amen, MD, this week, along with some Anne Lamott and Ann Voskamp.  I also picked up Katherine Boo's, "Beyond the Beautiful Forevers," and am looking forward to digging into that story.

"Unchain Your Brain" is fascinating.  The words within have only confirmed what I already knew:  I have been a food addict for years and years and years.  Also, this is interesting:  in lab rats given cocaine and sugar/high carb options, the rats would always return to the sugar/high carb options over the coke.  DUDE!

But not without hope...the scripture above is just proof that God has cast a whole crew of imperfect characters in this drama of life, and I could have easily written those verses, except a different imperfect lover of God did, instead.

As far as food cravings this week, I have literally had NONE!  I'm eating cleaner than clean.  Tons of veggies, lean meat and fish/shellfish, and fruits.  I've also gotten great sleep (went to bed at 8:30 the other night!) and have exercised each morning as on schedule.  As a result I lost around 7 lbs.  This was likely water weight and bloating, as I'm not as bloated in my stomach or torso anymore.  I had been eating all my culprits and I could sure tell!

If you don't think THE KIND OF FOOD YOU CONSUME has anything to do with your physical, emotional, or mental health, I WOULD CHALLENGE YOU TO RECONSIDER and at least GIVE HEALTH A TRY!  Whole food eating isn't going to hurt, that's for sure!

I'm feeling good and looking forward to seeing some definition in my arms one of these days.  In the meantime, I know the Lord has given me the strength to make changes in my life by just deciding to go ahead and do it, and to come up with a healthy, practical plan.

What encouragement do you have to offer others who may be reading?

Motivation

So, it's only 3:23 pm and I am exhausted.  I just woke up from a small cat nap in the hammock.

70 degrees + Colorado + sunshine + 1 hammock + a great book = a bit of bliss (and an inability to keep my eyes open..)

Florence and the Machine brought me back to life as I finished the dishes and snapped out of my reverie.

Anyway, the tiredness is no doubt a result of greeting the sunrise today, as I posted on my "Cleanse/Detox Schedule."  But I'm not complaining.  When I write things down, I do them.  Somehow it takes the commitment from simply verbal or intentional to action on a greater plane.

Maybe that works for you, maybe not.  But when I decide something, commit my heart and will to it, and then WRITE IT DOWN, it motivates me.

As a result, I had some sweet time reading my new Remix version of The Message, given to me by my loving daughter, handsome son, and insanely faithful husband.  I multi-tasked this time with a cup of hot lemon water in my favorite mug.  And by "multi-tasked" I mean, hot lemon water activates your liver to start doing its job for the day.  This time went longer than expected, but spending time with the Lord doesn't ever suck, so I went with it.

However, it did not keep me from doing the inevitable:  taking my measurements.

I jotted them down, but with excitement rather than contempt.  This is a big step for me, people, because I know I've gained weight as a result of not making healthy choices and not being sweet to my body, so previously I probably would have dreaded taking measurements.

But today I woke up motivated, excited, and determined to show myself love by first fueling with God's word, then making healthy choices for living.

Still not sure if I have the balls to post a "before" picture, but I will share something I found quite fascinating.  I made a Word document with four columns of my measurements I recorded over the last year and a half.  It's pretty cool, even if my measurements from today show I've gained several inches around my body.

10/23/10

Wt:  170.4
Neck:  13 1/2
Rt. Arm:  14
Chest:  38
Waist:  31 1/2
Stomach:  38 1/2
Hips:  40
Rt. Thigh:  25
Rt. Calf:  15 1/2
Rt. Ankle:  8 1/2

7/19/11

Wt:  145.0
Neck:  13 1/4
Rt. Arm:  13
Chest:  37
Waist:  29
Stomach:  34
Hips:  36 1/4
Rt. Thigh:  23
Rt. Calf:  14 1/2
Rt. Ankle:  8 1/2

8/30/11

Wt:  131.2
Neck:  12 1/4
Rt. Arm:  11 1/2
Chest:  34
Waist:  26
Stomach:  29 1/2
Hips:  34 1/2
Rt. Thigh:  21
Rt. Calf:  14
Rt. Ankle: 8

5/14/12

Wt:  139.6
Neck:  13
Rt. Arm:  12 1/2
Chest:  38
Waist:  29 1/2
Stomach:  34 1/2
Hips:  35 1/2
Rt. Thigh:  23
Rt. Calf:  14 1/4
Rt. Ankle:  8

My goals include losing several inches off my arms, thighs, chest, waist, and stomach.  When I cleaned up my act which reflects the results from 8/30/11, I did not do any sort of exercise.  I can't wait to have pipes and be strong, full of muscle and tons of energy.  Mostly, I am looking forward to a mind which is whole and healed as a result of prayer and feeding my body and brain whole foods.

Will you be joining me on this journey?

Monday, Monday

La la la la la la

Monday, the day after Mother's Day, I'll be embarking on this...

Feel free to join me, make your own, or just cheer me on.

And if you do join in, tweaking it to fit your life and allergens, leave comments and insight that will help motivate others.

Have a great weekend!  I'm going to eat like a Queen!  Or at least, I'm going to have a little wine and chocolate before the big cleanse :)

More Like You

I wish I were more like you.

Your silence is deafening...the way you carry yourself without words.  They speak volumes to me...that you, indeed, live a life without struggles, insecurities...sin.

I wish I were more like you…

...because you don't seem to have any problems.

You seem to have your act together 98% of the time, and the other 2% are passed off or softened through sarcasm.  I get that.  I try to laugh at myself, too.  

I do not share with you those things with which I wrestle in the dark, and in the solitude.  Not because I don't want to, but because, clearly, you would not understand, seeing as how you have no problems, and all...

If I were more like you, than I would be less like me.

A girl who is no longer a girl but often times wishes she was, just so she could go back to simpler times when grown ups told her what to eat, when to hop in the shower, that bedtime was approaching...and the prayers were prayed over her rather than feeling the weight of praying the prayers in order to stop the madness which sometimes swirls in this 40 year old brain.

If I was more like you, I imagine my life would be easier, more beautiful, less confusing...because that's how you portray it, at least.

Check "Yes" or "No" if this is not the case.

Your leading role in this life as a person who struggles with nothing is a command performance. We all want to know just how you do it.  We'd appreciate a copy of your script.  We would love to play along...

I'm afraid to tell you when I fail.  Failure is unbecoming.  You might think less of me.  Would it take me back to square one in your eyes, or would you see it just as a blip in my journey?

To see it as only a blip in my journey would be the kind of Grace I know is extended to me every single day.  However, as much as I try to see myself with Your eyes, on this particular day, and on this leg of the journey, one day of failure is epic.  

I wish I were more like You.  

Because then I would be less like me.

Fixation on Vacation

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Proverbs 9:10

"If you find honey, eat just enough - too much of it, and you will vomit." Proverbs 25:16

"Eat honey, my son, for it is good; honey from the comb is sweet to your taste. Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 24:13&14

These are some scriptures I was reading this morning. Filling up on God's word rather than on food, or even thinking of food.

My mom is a really wise woman. She shared with me a revelation she had about Americans, but really any indulgent people, and pleasure. I had recently gotten home from a vacation. I hadn't gone on a real vacation, with just Jason, in over 5 years. And, it was to one of my favorite places on earth...Mexico. It was so relaxing! I got ample sleep, sat in the sun while reading "Cold Tangerines" and defrosting my body. I ate guacamole, fresh fruit and had real Mexican margaritas...and this all not just with Jason but with some of our very best friends. It was a recipe for a great getaway. I am so grateful we had the opportunity!

And then we came home.

And home is good, too. I love all the people that are here at home. But there are responsibilities here. There is work to be done. I am needed here. I can't just be, but that is okay. Really, it is.

The problem is, the memories we walk away with from a vacation are also wrapped around feelings that felt so darn good. My mom shared something like this: The experiences and feelings get so wrapped up into one that we try to re-create those same feelings into our every day life. And not just once in a while as a quick escape from reality, but when stress comes or overload or fatigue, boredom, sadness, whatever the trigger, we try to add the feeling of vacation into every element of our lives...hence, eating when we aren't hungry. Shopping when we don't need anything. Having that extra drink just to get that extra little buzz. Whatever our "go to", when it is in excess, either by quantity, actual time or thinking about it, it becomes an idol.

(I find it interesting that this is exactly what Em and I are reading in her Picture Bible right now, as well as her Reader for school...hmmm...guess God is reinforcing what He is setting me free from!)

Freedom from responsibility, total uninterrupted relaxation, satisfaction from food that was made for me by a chef, the opportunity to be served instead of having to do all the work. Honestly, the list could go on and on.

But God set the example of reality for me at the very beginning: 6 days work, 1 day off to rest. We want, or maybe just I want, no one else out there, the feeling of 6 days rest...6 days of vacation...6 days of at least the feelings of vacation...and if I were to be honest: 7.

So, for me, even though my trip to Mexico was totally great, it was at the end of a really long and draining time line of events in my life. I'm not going to pull the dead kid card here. I'm not trying to make excuses. I am grateful for this blog that I hate because it's giving me a space to retrace some steps and see where I burnt out. It's been culminating for a while. I think I've just felt too needed, and even that shows me I was trying to do too much on my own strength, coasting on refills of the past instead of stopping for myself, not selfishly, but because we all need it, just to get filled up by the One Who does the ultimate filling.

No, I haven't been laying on the floor in the family room with all the lights on under a space heater to recreate the Mexican sun, but I have been eating out of boredom, that is for sure.

At the beginning of this year, I was hungrier than ever to just have simple, uncomplicated, quiet time with God. I expressed that to Him, though He knew my heart anyway, so it's not like it was a big secret. As a result, He has been showing me how He is taking things out of my life to create more room, not to fill up with people, experiences or things, but to fill up with Him.

Just the other night, as I was trying to fall asleep after posting here, God showed me quite a few things on this quest for freedom from food obsession. One was this:

When Noah was in the hospital, and for quite some time afterward, food wasn't even an issue. I actually didn't even eat out of stress while he was sick. And, He showed me it was because I wasn't being self-sufficient but was trusting Him with everything. He also showed me, though, that there doesn't have to be a train wreck or chaos, calamity or heartache in order to lean into Him.

I know too much.

I already know that God wants me to hang out with Him all day long, everyday, not just when stuff is tough. But I'm a strong personality. I am driven. I can do it on my own. I'm self-sufficient. Yep. I can. I mean, obviously...that's why I have this blog that I hate, right?!

What I really need to eat right now is a few slices of humble pie. Actually, just one bite is plenty. I mean, I need the whole pie because I really need some humbling, but with this revelation, I know that one bite will do. I can't do this on my own. All the willpower in the world won't suffice. But God will. He does. I just need to sit and be with Him more.

I have picked it up again. I have allowed food to become an idol once more. I've allowed myself to crowd out my Heavenly Father.

I'm a regular old Israelite of old. I wonder if the golden calf they forged was a big, fat, golden calf?

I am sorry, Lord. I am sorry.

And God has been gracious. He forgives me. He isn't disgusted with me. He loves me. He hasn't changed, He remains.

So I am the one that has to stop and go back to where He can be found...and it's not in the busyness of things that are even good. It's at His feet. It's not with the fridge hanging open or my hand in the bottom of an empty bag or with the American sized portions on every corner.

It's at His feet. In His Word. Pure and simple. I'm re-learning.