An Interview with Grace

I decided I'd like to hear the journeys of other people as it pertains to food, health, and wellness.

The truth is, we not only have different tastes, but each of us has our own reasons and inspirations for why we choose to make healthy lifestyle changes.

Weight loss aside, I put out a call on Facebook for anyone interested in sharing their current food story via a few interview questions.  I wanted to know if there were people "out there" who had recently made a dietary, lifestyle, or nutritional change, what their findings were, and if they would care to share with others.

You see, I may be passionate about eating clean because of the research I've done both on paper and through self-experimentation, but the truth is, I'm just passionate about ANY healthy change a person may make and the benefits they'll reap as a result.

Slicing for sushi rolls...eating clean can be fun and cheap at home...

Ryan and Em love sauteed broccoli with garlic and salt, plain or on top of a salad.

Yumminess from my garden last year.

A lady in my neighborhood cut out pop, for a month now, and has lost two pant sizes.  She now sips coconut water from a straw and enjoys it as her splurge during the day.  One.  Little.  Change.  But the benefits:  RICH!  Believe me, her blood is thanking her, not just her waistline!

So, here's an interview with my friend, Grace.  I met Grace Spirk Wilcox under shitty circumstances.  We met in a bereaved parents grief group through Children's Hospital.  NOT superfuntimes, but I'm so grateful to have met her and her husband, and to have learned the story of their sweet Sophia, January 6, 2006 - April 27, 2007.  She and her husband are loving, inspiring parents, and here as she shares part of her journey, I believe you will find she is also an inspiration to anyone interested in how food has changed her life in just a short amount of time.

• ·       What is your earliest memory of eating?  Do you associate any kind of feelings with food?

Interesting question on the earliest memories of food. I can't think of any...I always remember being chubby...in fact in my baby book one of my aunts says I was the fattest baby she had ever seen.  We always had meals together as a family and I don't ever remember there being chips, cookies, soda in our house on a regular basis. Because my mom worked and it was the 1970s, we ate a lot of boxed, processed, packaged stuff (chunk a la king chop suey in a can, anyone?)

• ·       Do you sit down when you eat?  Are you a fast or slow eater?

I do usually sit when I eat...we all eat together as a family at least dinner and most meals on the weekend, breakfast is usually grab and go for me.  I am a very fast eater and don't chew very well unless I stop and think about it.

• ·       Why have you chosen to change your way of eating, if even temporarily?

I was diagnosed with RA when pregnant with my daughter Sophia...my blood has never tested positive for RA and I don't have any joint damage, I've always been convinced it is something else.  But the RA meds work and the docs are never willing to explore any further.  For the past year I have been giving myself a shot of Enbrel once per week and felt great, then in November it just quit working and I got a flare that got worse every day. I didn't go to the rheumatologist because I knew there was nothing he could do but give me some Prednisone, which I never want to take again, one night when I was so miserable I couldn't sleep it occurred to me...no one was going to help me so if I didn't want to be miserable I had better try to take control.  I had been to homeopathic practitioners before, and some how I didn't find them better than the regular docs, they could help but I'd have to buy hundreds of dollars of supplements they sold....so I scoured the Internet. And finally found a page of a guy describing how his doc was helping all sorts of people with chronic disease just through diet.  He wasn't selling anything...he had a book, and published online.....FOR FREE!  His recommendation was to go back to these 7 basic foods for a week, eat nothing else and then add back foods one at a time...I did it and within a week I felt better than I have in years.

• ·       What things do you have in place for encouragement, motivation, or accountability?  (ie, friends, journaling, support group, etc…)

My husband and kids are incredibly supportive and I talk to my Mom (who is a holistic nurse practitioner with a wellness business in Kentucky). I am also journaling as well.

• ·       What is one significant dietary change you have made and what is one specific, measurable benefit you could share with those reading?

The significant dietary change I have made is I am eating very few foods and only whole foods.  I have yet to add back dairy, wheat or sugar.  My RA symptoms are gone and I did not take Enbrel this week for the first time. I've also lost about 12 lbs so far and have an amazing amount of energy.

• ·       What have you learned about yourself, your relationships, or God, during this time of eating differently, and/or fasting? What have you learned about food?

I have learned that my cravings weren't just a lack of will power but rather signs of an addiction that our body creates that counter intuitively keeps us eating the things that harms us the most.  I have also learned to trust myself.

• ·       Are there any permanent changes you would like to make to your health routine as a result of your findings?

This change will be permanent for me and I am interested to explore which foods cause me problems.  I am sure there will be bad days or days when I make less than stellar choices but I believe I can live a healthy life despite occasional failures.

From Grace:  Thanks for the opportunity to write that down.  I can't believe how good it made me feel!  

Grace, thank YOU for sharing some of your story!  We'd love to hear back from you over time, if you'd be willing to share, to hear how you are doing and how your symptoms are improving.  It's so great to see that you are learning to trust yourself!  That is HUGE!

Construction Zone

The verse I read and wrote down this morning, the first verse of the 14th Proverb.

My father was a professional builder.  He built both commercial and residential properties.  I remember his drafting table in his office, blue prints and sketches, job sites and sub-contractors.

I remember his company El Camino parked in the front drive many years growing up, as well as the much more palatable Suburban in later years.

A few times in high school I earned money by cleaning up some of his job sites on the weekends...he wouldn't let his three daughters there during the work week.

When other girls were solely looking at Teen Magazine, I was sketching floor plans and perusing the pages of Architectural Digest and Professional Builder Magazine.

Photo courtesy Pace EDU

And now we live in a new neighborhood where five years ago we lived in only the second house on the block.  I've been able to see the street fill in with homes and families, and see the different subs come and go with each phase of building.

It's really a fascinating process to see a home built from ideas and paper into a physical structure where memories are made and lives are lived, however empty or full.

There is so much beauty in how the Lord uses the imagery in scripture of our bodies being physical temples or buildings or structures meant to house His Spirit and presence.

God has me in the midst of a perfect storm, if you will, of books I am reading and scripture I am studying.  My word this year is INTENTION and I've been being intentional about time spent sitting at God's feet, studying His word, thanking Him for His many blessings, praying for whatever He puts on my heart, etc.

And I'm being INTENTIONAL about loving myself by filling my eyes and heart with food that really satisfies..."give us this day our daily bread..." not stuffing my gut with food that fills only temporarily.

Anyway, if the blue prints are wrong, they are sent back to the architect for tweaking.  If the electrician's portion of the job doesn't pass inspection, building is delayed until it's made right.

And even so,  even after a family has moved into a new home, things go wrong and need repairs.

Our lives, our temples, our day to day walks with God are similar, except much of the responsibility is on our shoulders.  We aren't puppets or robots, we are living creatures with the power of choice.

We are the builders.  Will we do what it takes to build a dwelling in which healthy life can take place, beautiful memories are made, and when others visit, they feel refreshed and encouraged?  OR, are our homes/temples/bodies dilapidated old shacks that are beyond renovation?

We have good friends who would say a hearty NO to that last question.  They bought a 100+ year old home soaked through with cat urine, stripped it to the bare minimum structure, and started again, building a fantastic property with character and charm.

Aren't you glad God is a Master Builder, and though our lives often times require remodeling and renovations due to time and wear and tear, when we bring to the job site the proper supplies and appropriate time frames for work and building, great shape and structure take form.

*How might you be INTENTIONAL today to take care of your house/temple/physical body?  Do you have a behavior you've become accustomed to that if it were translated into building lingo would look more like graffiti, bad peeling linoleum, smoke or water damage, or sledge hammer holes in the walls?  What changes can you make today, with INTENTION, that will boost the value and worth of your "home"?

Breaking Up Isn't Hard to Do

You are so inconsistent!

I can't believe I've invested so much time and emotional effort in caring about your opinion of me.

I ask you one simple question and you give me, easily, 5 different answers in a matter of seconds.

And even if you are right, I have other ways of learning what I want to know instead of seeking your thoughts on anything anymore...

You have not been a good friend.  Yes.  You have been there for me for a good 25+ years.  Sure, go ahead and claim you've been a constant in my life.  But a good friend, not by a long shot.

Sure, you've told me the truth at times.

But your truth is so distorted...and I allowed your thoughts about me to control my thoughts about me.

No more.

We are finished.

I know the truth about myself, but more importantly, I know the opinion of the One who made me, and He's crazy in love with every fiber of my being.

I see my own reflection.  I know my new found strength.  Those are real muscles, with actual definition, and I feel good about me.  I feel healthy.  I weigh approximately 639, not pounds but muscles...and with all the strength inside of me, I'm breaking up with you.

You are no longer important to me or invited into my life to define me.

I'm kicking you to the curb.

See you later, Scale!  Adios.  Goodbye!  Ciao!  Sayounara!  Hasta la bye bye!  You are no longer my boss.

Motivation

So, it's only 3:23 pm and I am exhausted.  I just woke up from a small cat nap in the hammock.

70 degrees + Colorado + sunshine + 1 hammock + a great book = a bit of bliss (and an inability to keep my eyes open..)

Florence and the Machine brought me back to life as I finished the dishes and snapped out of my reverie.

Anyway, the tiredness is no doubt a result of greeting the sunrise today, as I posted on my "Cleanse/Detox Schedule."  But I'm not complaining.  When I write things down, I do them.  Somehow it takes the commitment from simply verbal or intentional to action on a greater plane.

Maybe that works for you, maybe not.  But when I decide something, commit my heart and will to it, and then WRITE IT DOWN, it motivates me.

As a result, I had some sweet time reading my new Remix version of The Message, given to me by my loving daughter, handsome son, and insanely faithful husband.  I multi-tasked this time with a cup of hot lemon water in my favorite mug.  And by "multi-tasked" I mean, hot lemon water activates your liver to start doing its job for the day.  This time went longer than expected, but spending time with the Lord doesn't ever suck, so I went with it.

However, it did not keep me from doing the inevitable:  taking my measurements.

I jotted them down, but with excitement rather than contempt.  This is a big step for me, people, because I know I've gained weight as a result of not making healthy choices and not being sweet to my body, so previously I probably would have dreaded taking measurements.

But today I woke up motivated, excited, and determined to show myself love by first fueling with God's word, then making healthy choices for living.

Still not sure if I have the balls to post a "before" picture, but I will share something I found quite fascinating.  I made a Word document with four columns of my measurements I recorded over the last year and a half.  It's pretty cool, even if my measurements from today show I've gained several inches around my body.

10/23/10

Wt:  170.4
Neck:  13 1/2
Rt. Arm:  14
Chest:  38
Waist:  31 1/2
Stomach:  38 1/2
Hips:  40
Rt. Thigh:  25
Rt. Calf:  15 1/2
Rt. Ankle:  8 1/2

7/19/11

Wt:  145.0
Neck:  13 1/4
Rt. Arm:  13
Chest:  37
Waist:  29
Stomach:  34
Hips:  36 1/4
Rt. Thigh:  23
Rt. Calf:  14 1/2
Rt. Ankle:  8 1/2

8/30/11

Wt:  131.2
Neck:  12 1/4
Rt. Arm:  11 1/2
Chest:  34
Waist:  26
Stomach:  29 1/2
Hips:  34 1/2
Rt. Thigh:  21
Rt. Calf:  14
Rt. Ankle: 8

5/14/12

Wt:  139.6
Neck:  13
Rt. Arm:  12 1/2
Chest:  38
Waist:  29 1/2
Stomach:  34 1/2
Hips:  35 1/2
Rt. Thigh:  23
Rt. Calf:  14 1/4
Rt. Ankle:  8

My goals include losing several inches off my arms, thighs, chest, waist, and stomach.  When I cleaned up my act which reflects the results from 8/30/11, I did not do any sort of exercise.  I can't wait to have pipes and be strong, full of muscle and tons of energy.  Mostly, I am looking forward to a mind which is whole and healed as a result of prayer and feeding my body and brain whole foods.

Will you be joining me on this journey?

Monday, Monday

La la la la la la

Monday, the day after Mother's Day, I'll be embarking on this...

Feel free to join me, make your own, or just cheer me on.

And if you do join in, tweaking it to fit your life and allergens, leave comments and insight that will help motivate others.

Have a great weekend!  I'm going to eat like a Queen!  Or at least, I'm going to have a little wine and chocolate before the big cleanse :)

Deeply Rooted

The new Me

The Me I've always known I could be

The Me that's hidden deep within
-under shame
-shallow sin

It's time to live
-time to breathe
-walk out
-walk bold
-not break in the breeze

Stand tall, live large

A tree, planted long ago
-secure and strong
-deeply rooted
-seeking life from The Source

Nourishment, true Nourishment

The Son
-feeding me
-warming me
-filling me with light

Nutrients to every cell

I am free!

Free to grow, breathe, drink, dwell deeply

A tree planted by the Master Gardener, meant to grow and thrive
-to clap my hands
-to wave my branches
-meant to bend, not break, in the breeze

A planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor!

He gives life to me so I am able to give life to others.

I am a tree, grafted into the Vine.

*As I lounged in my hammock today in the perfect Colorado sun, inspired by God's goodness and grace, and Prochaska's Cycle of Addiction, I was journaling a plan, a POA or "Plan of Action" if you will, for how to move forward from here, one day at a time.  You see, last time I did a detox, cleanse or hCG, I never had a POA for how I was going to proceed once my body felt clean and detoxified.  I've been eating all of my culprit foods lately, and I feel lousy.  And today, in my hammock, I was quite over it.  So, I pulled out a journal and started writing...writing about which foods make me feel sick, weak, bloated, achy, miserable...and then wrote WHY?  Why would I eat them if I already KNOW they don't bring me life?  It was a freeing exercise, because I not only wrote the foods that make me feel like crap, but I wrote all the foods that make me feel great!  NOT EMOTIONALLY GREAT, BUT PHYSICALLY GREAT!  THE LATTER IS WHAT MATTERS MOST TO ME!  Like veggies, and veggies, and fish and chicken and beef, and more veggies, and only certain fruits, and more veggies, but not every veggie.  Anyway, as I wrote the picture of a beautiful tree came to my heart...and the above writing is what resulted from it.

Pub Crawl

Remember that part about loving myself?  And "dating" myself?  And sitting down for meals where I don't multi-task one other thing?

Yeah, I barely remember either.

In all honesty, I've been trying to be more conscious of the meals I eat, sitting at the table to remember that I even ate a meal, some of the time, at least.

But old habits are hard to break!

I've been on a Pub Crawl for what seems the last month.  I wish I was eating German pretzels when I say "Pub Crawl" but I mean life has been so busy that I've found myself eating at the counter or eating Ryan's leftovers or just eating crap in general...food I know isn't good for my body.  I don't even drink beer because it reminds me of some dumb choices in 9th grade and an all night affair I had with my friend's porcelain commode...So, by "Pub Crawl" I simply mean, who has time to sit down and eat lately?!  And, pub food is usually gross, so I guess I'm suggesting that, as well.

I don't do well without consistent routine.  And that's been gone for the last two weeks of my life.

The reason is good:  Em's had two weeks of Spring Break because her school is great!  However, it always seems to take me off guard as I'm coasting along in a routine and then, WHAMO!  What?  Oh yeah, you have a two week break.  Sweet!  We get to hang out! 

And, so I don't ignore her and just plop her down in front of cartoons for two weeks, I chuck everything else to the curb.  Yes.  For those therapists out there reading, clearly I'm the co-dependent.

But I will confess this as a mom:  I AM NOT A CRAFTER MOM.

Yes.  I know how to sew.  Yes.  I have my own jewelry making business.  Yes.  There are paints and canvas's and even ancient card making supplies from the early '90s deep down in my basement.  However, I'm a Mom, not an El. Ed. Major so that's just one of the reasons I wasn't stellar at homeschooling.

For those of you who rock at craftiness AND early childhood education, I think you are fabulous!  Can my kids come over and color at your house?

I'm the mom who would rather go to the Zoo or Museum or Park or on a Road Trip or have Friends Over  or read a great book on the couch together snuggled up all day, than get out paper and glue and scissors and markers and pretend I know what to do with them...

Em goes back to school tomorrow.  I'm going to miss her.  She is growing up really, really fast.  But I'm not going to lie.  I need Em to go back to school.  And let's be honest, she's ready, too!

All I know is, in my head I'm learning more how to love myself...now I just need to move that pertinent information from my head into my heart "inbox."

*On a practical note:  I feel like I need a "reset" after these last 2 wks.  I'm going to juice this week and just eat greens and some lean proteins.  And I'm going to write it down.  This is one thing I haven't done in ages and I think it will help me get my head on so I can keep moving forward to freedom from food addiction.

In the Midst of it

I love and hate that we can be used to encourage others, in the midst of it.

For example, I don't love how I've allowed myself to eat without thinking more often than not over the last 2 months.  I don't love that the choices I've made about food have even crossed over my food sensitivity and allergy "borders" I had set up for myself.  (Gluten, dairy, eggs, and refined sugars.)  I don't love that I'm down to one pair of jeans, and they aren't the "skinny" ones.

I hate that the very thing my body needs to avoid in order to feel healthy and strong is the very thing it THINKS it wants/needs when I am stressed or stressed, or say, like, stressed or something...

But, even though I don't love being the example of failure, floundering, and picking myself back up again, I know I'm able to encourage others in the midst of it.

Now, I'm not saying any of you are in need of my encouragement, but for the last 2 hours I was on the phone with an old friend that I dearly love.  One I hadn't talked to in at least 3 or 4 years.  The kind of friend you just pick up where you left off...no neediness or wondering if we still love each other just because our lives are on different courses.

You know, a friend.

Anyway, she's in a health crisis, to call it what it is.  And she was told by her doctor a few years back she needed to make some major dietary changes to feel better.

But she didn't and now she feels worse.  She's in the midst of it.

I've studied and experimented on my own body enough over the last 15 - 20 years to know what foods have caused similar symptoms in me.  The times I have chosen to eliminate food culprits from my daily intake I have:  lost weight, gained tons of energy, felt stronger, had mental clarity, lost the aches and pains in my hands and knees, greeted my alarm clock in the morning with a smile rather than an iron fist, and had a positive thought life and outlook.

I'm not saying I'm a doctor or dietitian or nutritionist, so don't misquote me.

I am saying, though, from personal experience, trial and error, and sweat and tears, I know a process of eliminating foods that aren't good for me, and though her food culprits will be different because she's a different person, I can encourage her to find out what her culprits are, to see how she feels, to decide if eating those foods are really worth it or not, both the good foods and feelings and the bad foods and feelings.

The last 2 months were a temporary derailment in my own food and health life.

When I hit "send" on my friends email with the books she was wondering about, websites and helpful tips, I'm doing it all right along with her.

I want to encourage her while she's in the midst of it...in the midst of it.

All is NOT Vanity!

"All is Vanity" by Allan C. Gilbert

I had a revelation a couple weeks back at group counseling.  It was UH-MAZE-ing!  So, here's a little history...once upon a time my mom was a beauty queen and a model.  She fell in love with my dad, got married and had 3 little girls.  The 3 of us girls used to play in her closet, trying on tiaras, donning "Miss So and So" sashes, prancing around in beautiful gowns, waving and smiling, and flipping through the pages of photos and article clippings, dreaming about what it was like to be a real princess, like our mom. 

The funny thing was our mom had stuffed that memorabilia in bottom drawers and in the back of her closet, not because she was ashamed or embarrassed, I don't think, but because though it had been fun and special to be involved in such circles, it didn't define her.

In my mind, however, it was all I wanted to be.  I wanted to be pretty like my mom.  I wanted to wear beautiful gowns and have my hair done all fancy-like.  I was that little girl who dressed up in her mommy's clothes and pretended to be a grown lady.  I used to sit on her bathroom counter while she did her hair and make-up for a date night out with my dad.  My parents were, and are, beautiful people.  But not only on the outside.

Anyway, in junior high I used to look at Teen Magazine.  Bad idea.  Seriously, parents, it's not necessary, there is NO wisdom in it, and if you don't want your kids doing the nasty at an early age, it's best just to avoid it altogether.  It doesn't feed their souls or minds.  There's better "trash" out there, let's just say.  ANYWAY, hello tangent, I used to Eat. It. Up.  And, if you are near 40ish, like yours truly, you may remember the advertisement from John Casablancas for their "Model Search."

I remember it well.

I wanted to be a model.

I asked my dad if I could be a model.

He said no.  He said I would lose my soul.

I remember being disappointed then.  However, in time, even early on, like in high school, I remember being grateful he had said no.  He knew something I didn't.  (Imagine parents knowing more than their kids...)

I would have indeed lost my soul because I didn't know what real beauty was at the time.  I just knew what I thought was pretty...and in my mind it included the approval of others.

Well, fast forward to my group counseling session a few weeks ago and the part where I have never loved myself.

I KNOW God is totally in love with me.  I KNOW He is totally in love with you and I will tell you and everyone in the whole wide world so until I'm blue in the face.

But the part that says, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself," well, I've never loved myself.  I don't believe I haven't been able to truly love others because I haven't loved myself.  I'm pretty good at loving others.  I love a lot of others.  But I bet I've missed out on the extent to which I CAN love others...anyway...

But somewhere in my young heart and mind, way back when I wanted to be a model, I merged the idea of loving myself with vanity...

...and sooooooo, last Fall when I lost the weight that I knew I could lose and finally was able to look in the mirror and say to myself, "Yes.  That's the girl I always knew was under there..."  and I felt pretty and confident and finally liked the me I could see but then sabotaged my weight loss, I realized it was out of fear.

I feared being vain.

For years I had equated who I WAS with who I SAW in the mirror.  And ironically, I had it backwards...and ironically "WAS" and "SAW" is a palindrome.

What I see in the mirror and who I am on the inside and outside are allowed to match.  Yes, Paul tells women that our beauty should not come from our outward appearance, jewelry, hair, yada, yada, but from the inside, from our hearts.  I get that.  But there is nothing wrong with loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves, wearing pretty things, exercising, losing weight, doing things that benefit our bodies so that we can be confident in who we are in Christ, serving Him to the best of our abilities.

Beauty is not evil.  Wanting to feel pretty isn't a crime.

I realize now that the last year of stopping the excuses, rolling up my sleeves, and losing the extra weight to find physically the girl I've always known was there, was my first step towards really loving myself.

And it wasn't in vain and it wasn't to be vain.

I did it to be healthy.  I didn't do it to sit around and stare at myself or think of myself as all that and a bag of chips.

I did it to be free!  And I'm feeling more and more free to finally love me!

Friday Weigh-In

I'm kind of cranky but it's part of the process, maybe?!  My weigh-in this morning was 139.6 lbs.

I threw out my back after hauling an armoire from the 2nd floor to the basement with my husband.  I was so revved up to work out all week long and then spent the last 4 days stretching instead. 

The other thing that busts my chops is that I've been juicing 2x a day for a week and a half.  WTH?

And, the other thing that busts my chops is that 139.6 lbs, a year ago, would have been cause for celebration.  Now I have one nice soft roll when I sit down and two thighs that give each other a high five when they pass by.  I'm 5 to 7 lbs off my mark and it's crazy how much of a difference it makes

Last Friday I guess I forgot to type in my weight, but I know it was 137.4 lbs. 

One thing we talked about at group counseling the other night was about "Maintenance."  When I got to that circle on the chart I wrote in my notes the first things that came to mind. 

They were:

1. How do I find sustainability?
2. How do I keep it "fresh," say, like a marriage needs to be kept fresh to stay alive?

Then, the picture of math came into my head, which is rare so that means I should listen.  I saw an angle with degree points and straight lines at each degree.  As the lines, all one degree apart, traveled out of the center of the angle you could definitely see space between the lines.

Translation:  As far as "Maintenance" goes, sometimes I have to tweak my behavior just one degree to make a lasting change.  Stop looking at the Big Picture and just make one small change, each day, one day or step at a time because it does make a difference in the long run.

And one of those steps is I'm going to start weighing in again every morning (have only been doing Fridays) and am keeping a food journal.  These two small steps seem to help me focus a little.

Also, I'm starting my marathon walking schedule next week so if I can't cut those pounds off walking 450+ training miles in 5 months, then I guess they're meant to stay.  (But they're not...)

Ladies Night Out!

And by "Ladies Night Out!" I mean:  a weekly women's only group therapy session I am attending for a total of eight weeks with a bunch of strangers.

It was really funny, I must say.  My neighbor was literally shocked that I go to counseling.

What is the stigma?  How "jacked up" does one have to be in order to qualify?  Don't we all have baggage or faulty thinking or skeletons in our closets or hurts/wounds that may have scarred over but have healed pretty ugly?

Maybe not?  *shrug*  I don't know.  All I know is, I got problems.   Hello!

But what if people actually went to counseling BEFORE they were totally messed up or unhealthy patterns, thought processes or behaviors set in?  What a friggin' novel idea!  Wish I had thought of that 30+ friggin' years ago. 

Prevention.  Huh.


So last night, at Ladies Night Out, no, it's not called that...anyway, last night was friggin' amazing!

For reals!  Uh.  Maze.  Ing!

I don't even have room here to blog all about it, but maybe I'll share it in a series.  Yeah, that's it.  I'll do that.

Okay, so our counselor gave us this hand-out by Prochaska & DiClemente called the Stages of Change.  Now, you may remember this from your college Psych 101 class.  I, however, though I likely studied it way back when, only did so for a test or paper...and sadly never applied it to my life.  Huh.

You mean this was all preventable?!  Probably notsomuch...

Anyway, did you go look at the hand-out?  I'll wait... *drumming fingers*

Okay, so, if you were to read it from the top of the cycle at "Pre-contemplation" and then follow the arrows clockwise, over the last year as I worked my butt off to be a new, healthy thin person, I went through the cycle up until "Maintenance."  At "Maintenance" I reached my 25 year goal of "losing those last 10 lbs" but not only that, did it in a way that was healthy and changed the way I not only viewed food and nutrition but how I viewed and loved myself.

And I did it for me.  At least I thought I did... And it was good.

But then, I didn't really know what to do.  Talking one on one with my counselor a few weeks back, she said, "It was like you accomplished your goal, so just checked it off your list of to-do's and moved onto the next item."  She was exactly right!  I told her that a year ago when I started this journey toward health and finally losing unwanted fat I wished I would have had a "What now?" or "Maintenance plan" in place.  What a helpful tool this chart would have been last summer/fall.

The positive side of this chart is the "Upward Spiral" in the center.  It says, "Learn from each relapse."  And, looking back on my life, I realize I've traveled this "Transtheoretical Model of the Stages of Change" many a time.  And each time, apparently through the process of relapse, I did learn a bit more about healthy eating, balanced lifestyle, whole foods, the mind game and weight loss, what my allergies and sensitivities are, how my body reacts to certain foods, which ones I should avoid and on which ones my body thrives..."How I'll do it better next time," if you will.

But, not until I was on the cusp of turning 40 friggin' years old (I'm not "friggin'" about the number...just in awe and a little crusty that it took sooooo long to learn this particular piece...) did the "Relapse" send me into a new spiral of learning what I've needed to learn this whole friggin' time.

And that is:

TO FRIGGIN' LOVE MYSELF!

REAL LOVE.

LIKE THE KIND OF LOVE GOD DESIGNED.

TRUE LOVE.

So yeah.  I knew in my heart 2012 was going to be a good year.  I had NO friggin' idea it would be the year I'd finally fall in love with ME!  And I will ABSOLUTELY explain this in another post...because I know I am not the only one out there that has felt friggin' GUILTY or AFRAID of those words that God Almighty of the Whole Wide World Who loves us commands us to do...because it's so much more "righteous" and "spiritual" and "humble" to love our neighbors, but not ourselves.   

Except.  That.  Is.  Not.  What.  HE SAID!

One Foot in Front of Another

You know, walking is something you learn.  It's not just something you do one day, like you just get up and go or something.

Now, some of you are saying I must be crazy because their child did just hop up and start toddling all around the house one day...

BUT, you forget.  I am a mid-life crisis mom to a 16 month old son who is showing me exactly what the process of walking looks like.

And it's not just a move where perfection is achieved off the bat.

It's been a blast watching Ryan develop.  To be honest, I'm humbled by it and honored to be able to take it all in.  On his 9 month birthday he started doing the military crawl.  At first it resembled a first week Private or Recruit in Basic Training.  As he continued to crawl each day I'd say he climbed the ranks and was worthy of Master Sergeant Ryan Crawler title by the time he was walking around furniture, holding onto it.  Then we started holding onto his fingers, teaching him how to walk. 

Around Christmas, New Years and my birthday recently, Master Sergeant Ryan Crawler took his first steps.  And by "first steps" I mean, he stood up, unassisted, letting go of the furniture.  As the days passed his strength grew and he would take one step and sit back down.  But, he certainly wasn't worthy, and isn't even today, of the title Master Sergeant Ryan Walker. 

He's still a Private.  Actually, to be honest, the kid's a Seaman Recruit.  He's not puking or dizzy like a new boy on his first submarine, but he does resemble a drunk guy on his first free weekend.

Each day, though, he's training and getting better at walking.  He's growing stronger.  He's gaining confidence.

He falls.

He stumbles.

He has had a few wipe outs.

But he still gets up and tries, each day, about 77 different times each day.  He tries.  And as he does, I watch him, cheer him on, coax him with my open arms, his favorite books, lots of slobbery kisses and his sippy cup.

He smiles HUGE and starts toward me, one foot in front of (or kind of side to side) the other.

The point is:  I'm doing the same thing here.  I'm learning how to do this healthful living one choice at a time.

Not even one day at a time, but one choice at a time.

One foot in front of the other.  As Ryan develops, I'm learning about life, just watching him.

Today I'd say I rank in the lower realm of the Sergeant sector. 

Maybe by November 4th I'll be the Commander in Chief of my own health and body?!  And even then, we all know, I won't be perfect ;)


(I'm juicing veggies, eating tons of salads with leans meat and veggies, and praying and filling my soul with Words that bring real life and nourishment.  However, I'm still recovering from the holidays and my birthday where I indulged.  Chocolate, honey/rosemary/chipotle pecans and red wine are some of my down falls lately.  I'm learning moderation.  Hey, at least I'm not eating Mexican chips for breakfast, lunch and dinner anymore!  And that's one step in the right direction!)

 Ryan recently discovered this drawer, which no longer houses my baking stones.  He's also enjoying magnetic A,B,C's on the side of the fridge as he takes breaks from walking the halls of our house all day.  Those were Em's navy boots when she was a babe.  What?  No.  I don't bother wiping his mini fingerprints off my stainless.  I'd be doing it non-stop.

*I'm still trying to figure out how to post a video...anyone know how?  I'm technically not a genius ;)  Or rather, I'm not a technical genius...you decide.  j/k

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

I have ALWAYS lied about my weight. 

By "ALWAYS" I guess I should think about that.  I've lied about it since High School when I was old enough to realize my friends weighed less than me.

I even lied on my very first driver's license by 5 lbs.  I guess even back then the number in my head and on the scale didn't match.  I don't remember what number I wrote down, but I know it wasn't the truth.

But 5 or 10 lbs has always been my "lie buffer."  I'm not justifying it.  A lie is a lie.  I've done it for so long regarding my weight that I guess it's become the norm to shave a few pounds off on paper work.

15 years ago my father-in-law took me to get my driver's license renewed in Minnesota.  I wish you all could have known Steve Graves.  He was the life of the party and made everyone he met feel like a zillion bucks.  I loved that guy!  Anyway, I had a good hair day and was feeling good because a student and I from the college where I worked had been getting up at the crack each morning and working out.  I did not lie on that driver's license.  My smile was genuine because I was looking at Steve trying to hold in a laugh while the girl took my picture.  Did I mention I was 145 and it was a good hair day?

Fast forward to 2002.  Jason and my pregnant belly and I had just moved from Minnesota to Colorado and I had to get a new driver's license.  I was 198 lbs pregnant with gelato/custard/chocolate chip cookie weight, thought it was a good idea to let my hair go curly that day, and had on a large and in charge barf/Pepto pink maternity shirt. 

I side-looked over each shoulder as I wrote: 150 in the weight category...5'10" in the height category...and Blue in the box for eye color. 

You see, 5'9" to 9 1/2" has always been Five Ten for me (because in my head it helped distribute the weight...and it sounds runway-ish)

150 was a hellofalot better than 198, so writing that was a no-brainer.

And, my eyes are blue.  And they are also green.  And it just depends on the day.  So, I guess that day they were blue.

My 40th birthday is Sunday.  The Department of Transportation is closed Sunday so I'm headed to get a new driver's license AND picture today.  The information will be as follows:

Height:  5'9"
Weight:  135
Eyes:  (I guess we'll have to see, but this morning they have a blue outer ring with a green center...which is too long to enter into the small box that wants a straight answer so maybe I'll go with green for the next 10 years?  Who knows?)

So there you have it.  So there I have it.  I worked my buns off over the last year to lose weight and gain health and a new perspective.  It wasn't so I'd be able to tell the truth on my driver's license though that is now an added bonus.  It was because I always knew the 5 to 10 lb lie buffer had truth in it.

It feels good to finally tell the truth ;)

I'm okay. Are you okay?

My post from yesterday I said, "And four, but not an exhaustive list by any means, He knew Satan would tempt me on more than one occasion and that I'd hit bottom one day but finally look up to Him, my Source, to find what it was I was searching for in the first place."

A friend shot me a text and wondered if I was okay.

Totally!

I am feeling so great about this year, about my plan of action, writing and launching my non-profit business plan, counseling (both my individual and the group for ladies I joined)...I'm feeling balanced and healthy about turning 40, health and nutrition, exercise and building muscles to offset the aging :)  I am inspired to organize and purge every corner of my house.  I'm psyched about leaving as little and dainty a carbon footprint on the earth this year by continuing to recycle and reuse old jewelry for my business and other random crafts I have in the basement from the last 15 plus years.  (Goal: not to buy ONE craft supply all year unless it's a vintage piece...)

I didn't mean that I was currently at rock bottom, or feeling like I was there.  I simply meant that God provides ahead of time for us so that when we do go through tough times, we can be filled by Him and gain some perspective.

Nope.  I feel good. 

No.  I feel GREAT!  I am slowly gaining strength physically, spiritually, emotionally, and otherwise, as I trust that God is who He says He is and take one day at a time. 

I have a busy year ahead and don't really have time to sit around and eat out of boredom, anyway.  And, in the last week when I did get stressed and reach for a snack, it was a healthy one.  A whole food type of treat.  Lots of carrots/apples/dates/salad/walnuts/lean meat/raw veggies and fruit...healthy stuff.

I'll be doing the Avon Walk in the Rocky Mountains June 23-24 with my little sister and anyone else who will join us...so that means in 24 weeks which means that my 20-week training schedule is pinned to my wall and getting crossed off already.  And training means proper nutrition and rest!  You can't just cold turkey 39.3 miles, hello!

I'm hosting a retreat for women in the Midwest early summer so I'm getting my team together and getting all that figured out.  Details to come...

And, I'm a wife to the best guy on earth and mom to one fabulous, intelligent and beautiful 9 year old and a now walking 16 month old.

This overeating business has been all about me...well, this life isn't all about me.  I'm here amongst a great group of billions of other God-created people and it's up to me to gain perspective in the midst of that journey of who I am and why God made me.

My life may not all be in order, because let's be honest, that'll never happen, but it's in perspective because HE'S in perspective which puts me in a really good place...and the rest just kind of follows.

So yeah, I'm okay.  Are you okay?

I Ask Myself...

How is it a person you know and love, say, like your husband, just as an example, can encourage you and tell you something repeatedly, like something specific to do, but then when a stranger, say, like a professional counselor, just as an example, tells you the exact same thing, it's profound and motivating and just what your heart's been seeking?

I mean, just as an example, of course...

So, when I've gone to counseling before (with this same lady almost 2 years ago, now...) I have a sense of time, money and urgency driving what I say and what I leave out.  I know we are on the clock and that clock's ticking so I'd better cut through the crap and get to the good stuff...or it's cut through the good stuff and get to the crap?  They both work...

Anyway, after filling out my intake "tattle tale" sheet which has a column on the left of symptoms, behaviors, or problemos and then columns to the right labeled for "Self, Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Mother's Mother, Mother's Father, Father's Mother, Father's Father," I was trying to get a game plan in mind as to what all I should vomit all over share with the counselor.

I started with a brief overview of being a closet eater starting at a young age, family dynamics throughout the years, my more recent triggers, what I do in the face of stress, and how I feel passionate about my non-profit but don't know if I'll ever get to do anything with it...

Before I knew it time was up and she said, "I have an assignment for you."

I anxiously awaited.  Oh boy, an assignment!  This'll be good...I'm going to get a game plan for not eating out of stress...

She said:  When we meet again in two weeks, have your business plan ready to share with me regarding your non-profit.

I said:  Sweet, that sounds awesome!  Totally!  (Or something enthusiastic like this...)

I said:  Wait. One. Minute.  How come my husband can tell me I need to do this for several months but you tell me one time and I'm all motivated to go for it?!

I don't have an assignment for food...but I think she's onto something.  Like encouraging me to dream and focus on something positive, something about which I am passionate and I know God's called me to, rather than continue the cycle of beating the crap out of myself and spiraling down, down, down.

Next appointment, December 29th, 10 a.m.

Tracking

Besides last Friday, I haven't weighed myself in the mornings for the last week and a half.  This, surprisingly, isn't necessarily good or bad.  It's kind of neutral...kinda.  And by "kinda" I mean, it's neutral in my head because I haven't been obsessed with numbers lately, but as a way to track something tangible, I'm not ready to pitch the scale just yet.

I know some people don't own scales and go simply by how their clothes fit, or if they fit.  I didn't own a scale for over 15 years and went by that method...the only problem was I would just go buy new clothes when the other ones didn't fit.  And by "new clothes" and "didn't fit" I mean a bigger size. 

For me, one size on the label can span a good 10 lbs, easily.  Just because I can still zip the jeans doesn't mean they fit, per se.  Hello, muffin top!

And, another change that has likely occurred because I've been busier than busy is I haven't written anything down in my food journal in over a month.  This mode of tracking health, weight loss, food sensitivities and such is one thing I need to revisit.

Here's a link to another blog, Healthful Pursuit by Leanne Vogel, where the girl designed her own food journal entry form.  I am going to use it as a guide, but not all of the components work for me and I'm also not a fan that one print out equals one day...I like to save paper and am a bit of a minimalist when it comes to this, so I'll be tweaking this.  However, either way, it's a great resource to track food sensitivities and how my body feels after consuming certain foods.  And, it'll be a good way to track the reason why I ate...

I already know, for a fact, that if I even look at a grain, I puff up, like a hot popcorn kernel, a puffed piece of rice cereal, or like this guy...Okay, maybe not exactly like him, but I do retain fluids, feel bloated, have achy joints (especially my left knee, wrists and fingers), ringing in my ears, have dark circles under my eyes and plump sausage fingers upon waking, and feel groggy in the morning when I've eaten too many grains (any simple sugars) in a day. 

When I don't eat grains or literally eat them once a week, I have tons of energy, can spring out of bed, my skin clears, my joints feel fine, and overall, I'm a nicer person and just feel healthy. 

Everyone is different and what works for you may not work for me, and vice versa.

But, let me ask you this:  If you never eliminate a potential culprit, how would you even know if you have a sensitivity or not? 

You wouldn't.

As a mom to a one year old, this time around, I actually followed the doc's advice and introduced one food at a time to my baby.  Oh the novelty!  Sheer brilliance, I say!  This concept can be practiced with older kids and adults, as well, when trying to figure out food sensitivities and culprits, but instead of introducing foods, you are eliminating foods.  And though it's a little harder, it's not impossible! (My 9 year old is allergic to wheat and dairy but has eaten them since toddlerhood...guess how fun it is to eliminate cheesy-dillas?!)  Just find great alternatives, continue to serve them, and they'll either hate the new option and skip it altogether, or develop their palate for the new taste.  No one needs quesadillas, so it's really not the end of the world, for Pete's sake :)

The Elimination Diet isn't hard unless you are addicted to starches and sugars, dairy or your particular allergen. There's a lot of information on the website "The World's Healthiest Foods" linked in the previous sentence, but it's scientific and medically based, so take their advice, not mine, and above all else, listen to your own body and how you feel!  If you feel crummy, listen!  If you feel fantastic, that's your body saying, "More of that good stuff, please!"

I'm digressing!  My point is, I'm going to start tracking my food throughout the day again so I'm more conscious of what I'm eating and why, and then also track how I feel each day.  In the past I've written down my food intake for a number of reasons, but mostly just to track weight loss or gain.  Honestly, I am comfortable with that number on the scale from last week, but I'm more interested right now in knowing how I feel and which foods help me feel my best and which ones take me down dark alleys.  I've always been told to avoid dark alleys...

Counseling countdown:  3 days.  I'm looking forward to December 8th at 11:00 am when I head to counseling to talk about this more in depth with a professional.  If you are putting off that appointment, ask yourself why?  Why would you put off something that offers potential healing and freedom?  Maybe you don't need it, maybe just I do...but one thing I know is I am looking forward to this next season of my life...

...the season where I'm finally free to be me!

I Ask Myself?

So, as a result of yesterday's post I received some encouraging emails, texts, calls, prayers offered up for my crazy self.  Thank you!  Seriously!  Thank you all so much for your encouragement!  I promise I wasn't fishing, but I will say your love and support has lifted me!  (I linked yesterday's post to Facebook...here's what I said along with it: 

"To be real honest with you, I don't like sharing this particular blog with friends...it's easier to share it with strangers who don't know me from Adam, don't care about me, and won't ever hold me accountable. So, please forward this to "other people" and let's just keep pretending I have my act together..."

One friend emailed me the questions, "YIKES!  This has nothing to do with 10 lbs on the scale.  You are absolutely being tyrannical and why?"; "You would never approach your Emily with this kind of perfectionist rant.  But it's okay to treat yourself this way.  Why?"; and finally, "I think I would want you to ask yourself - for the next 24 hours - to prayerfully seek out what you are so angry about. I had a counsellor spring this on me once and I was in shock and considerable denial. What? Me angry? No way!"

So, I asked myself...

Am I angry about something?  I don't think I'm angry, but am I, indeed angry?

WHOA!  I tell you what, all you have to do is pick up the phone and call the counseling office...you don't even have to make an appointment, just the act of it can set digging up the past and healing for the future in motion!   And, of course, asking yourself if you are angry about something...but DO actually make the appointment since the can of worms is open and not meant to be tackled alone.  (Unfortunately for you, I don't feel like it's appropriate to go into all my anger issues here either ever, or, at least until I speak to a counselor who can help me maybe put it into words that can encourage you on your own journey.)

My friend is partly right.  It isn't about 10 lbs up or down on the scale.  And, it is.  I feel like I've lived the last 20ish years of my life wishing I could just lose those last "10 lbs."  And I DID lose those last 10 lbs, just a few months ago, and about 10 lbs ago. 

And inside, and outside, I was happy!

I DID IT!  I STUCK WITH SOMETHING, STAYED DISCIPLINED, WORKED HARD, AND FOLLOWED THROUGH!!!!

But it had been a goal for so long that when I reached it, I really didn't know what to do with it.  It sounds so strange, I realize, but it's almost like I didn't know how to be the 10 lb lighter me.  (THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN AN IDEAL TIME TO HAVE BEEN IN COUNSELING...NOTE TO SELF...) 

I did it for me and only for me, so I wasn't ready or even thinking about what others would say.  I mean, when we watch "The Biggest Loser" we cheer them on, even shed tears we are so happy for them, but when I finally break through a physical stronghold that has symbolically been a spiritual and mental battlefield, there was no party held or overall congratulatory sentiment.  Instead, with wrinkled brow one person said I was too skinny.  Someone else said they weren't used to me being thin.  "You're not eating enough," spoken to me as I was eating an extra large salad with meat, veggies, oil and nuts on top...

Don't get me wrong, there were plenty that celebrated with me.  They told me "Great Job!" and "Tell me what you did?!"  I was encouraged and shared my story, encouraged them they could do it too, that I hadn't felt healthier inside or out in years, that I was so glad I finally felt clean and healthy.  It helped my heart to know I could encourage someone else on a similar journey.

So then why were those few negative comments so detrimental to my mindset?  Why did I listen to their words, digest them, and instead of allowing them to leave my body as waste, keep those negative sentiments (disguised as concern) stored up in me?  (*Did you know that fat cells store toxins?  Do you see the symbolism here?)

Anyway, the big bold letters up top tell a lot of the story...

I'm glad my friend posed the questions that she did.  It gives me some homework to do over the next few weeks as I prepare for counseling.  Poor counselor better hold on tight and bring a napkin because I think I may just puke all over her...symbolically, of course!

Time vs. Goals

So, I had a thought this morning...it occurred to me that even though I've had a goal or number in mind to reach over the years, I have functioned more within time frames, or dates of completion.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to explain my thought process, but let me try...

For sake of example, officially P90X is a 90 day program.  What you end the program with after 90 days is the result of the workout and discipline, but what if it's not your goal weight?  Of course, if you stuck with it, you'll be happy with the results regardless if you reached your goal because it's a great program, and if you didn't, you'd sign up for another round until you did.

For me, I think no, I know, I've been looking at certain dates or frames of time in order to accomplish my goal so when that date or event rolls around and I didn't lose those specific pounds or whatever, I get discouraged...and then I usually temporarily give up and self-sabotage.

Is this even making sense?

This is all the more reason why I need to get a lifestyle plan that works for me! 

Also, the way my mind works, I need to set small, attainable goals that are not time-sensitive or time-restrictive, and work towards those.  It's really semantics.  It might take 3 weeks to lose 10 lbs, for example.  And, it's possible that you could lose 10 lbs in 3 weeks.  Same thing, but maybe thinking about it differently?  Glass half-full/half-empty type of thing?  However, if your goal is to lose 10 lbs and it takes 4 weeks or 7 weeks, your goal is still the same, it's not a race against time, it's a journey towards a final outcome or result.

Man, this is freeing for my head to write this out! 

Maybe you've known this all along, but for me, it's been more about a race against the clock...not my biological clock but clocks like: beach vacation coming up in 4 wks, summer break/have to take kids to pool in 6 wks, shorts season approaching in 3 wks.  Does anyone know what the freak I am talking about, here?!

Speaking of biological clocks, I turn 40 in two months.  I'm really excited about it!  I think it's kind of cool, like coming of age, finally being a grown-up :)  Anyway, I was telling myself in my head that I wanted to be steady at 132 lbs by January 8th, mine and Elvis' birthday.

BUT INSTEAD!!!!  I am setting a goal of 132 lbs.  Today I am not there but I was just a month ago.  I had a couple of rough weeks with food between then and now.  But, all my new jeans fit nicely at 132 (and I can't afford to go buy the next size up and I got rid of all my old ones...so...) and I'm not totally flat chested like I was when I was down at 128 or even 130...I like a little bosom on me :) so 132 works for me.  Anyway, when January 8th rolls around, I will weigh myself that day because it's part of my morning routine, but if I haven't reached my goal by then it won't throw me off, because my goal is not on a time frame, it doesn't have a deadline, but it's still motivating nonetheless.

You may be thoroughly confused, but I'm glad I figured this out!  Another step towards freedom!

(FYI, I posted a fall breakfast recipe under the recipe tab...check it!)

Cha, cha, cha, cha, changes!

So, I made some changes to this blog...this blog that I've neglected...on purpose...because I haven't wanted to face my demons...and because life's been busy and I haven't made it a priority. 

The problem is, I keep getting emails encouraging me to actually write on this blog.  I'm not one for crowd pleasing or peer pressure, but I do give into my gut.  (Ha, no pun intended since a lot of times I do give into my gut which is kind of what this blog is all about.) 

I mean, my gut has been telling me what I've known for a while...I thrive with consistency.  Writing here, journaling my thoughts and sharing this journey is one way for me to have consistency and structure or routine in my life.

So, as you can see up at the top of the blog, I've added some tabs, or pages.  Go check them out.  I'd love some feedback if these are helpful pages or not...and I suppose if I should add another one, what should it be?

The page I'm not super excited about but it will be a good motivator is titled "Weigh-In."  I know, it's ballsy...and at this point, I'm at a healthy weight and not even trying to lose fat but build muscle so it's not like I want the number to go down necessarily.  The page is more of an accountability check for me to maintain.  With the holidays coming up, it'll be interesting to see the numbers...anyway, I'll update it every Friday as long as I have access to a scale. 

It's also for you, if you'd like.  But, if you don't want to share, you don't have to....but, it'd be nice if you did :)

There you have it.  I need freedom.  Total freedom!  I am ready to live my life healed and this is part of the process.

Day 1, number 8 billion and 36...

...or something like that.

In my new food/weight loss journal, I am on page 11.

Of the 11 page entries, 3 of those pages are titled, "Day 1."

Today is the third of those days...

I'm not sure why I have the need to start over each time I make a mistake and don't stick with an eating plan. (I just changed the "don't" in the previous sentence from "can't" which I had initially typed...because, let's be honest, I can stick to an eating plan and so can you. We are able. It's that I don't make the choice to, at times.) As I was just out on the hammock enjoying 5 minutes of quiet on this beautiful summer day, I think I actually figured out WHY I keep drafting "Day 1's."

It's my own self-driven desire for perfection. Why do I think I need to be perfect? No one is perfect. I'm not even sure anyone is expecting perfection from me. There is no such thing as perfect, anyway. Even models are airbrushed!

Maybe it's my innate desire to be as I was intended to be, like God created us to be way back when?

Nope. That's not it.

I'm not going to pretend it's that spiritual. Not in a good spiritual way, anyway. Actually, as I just grabbed a slice of my apple, (that's ironic...) and was about to type out a different thought, this one came to mind, "The pursuit of perfectionism is the original sin. Like original, original...like when Satan wanted to be just like God. Perfectionism makes you your own worst enemy."

Huh.

Hmmmm.

Hmm.

So then do I give up my pursuit? I mean, losing 10 lbs is not so I can look like God, it's so I don't have bat wings or a roll when I sit down.

No. I don't think I need to give up the pursuit of losing 10 lbs and being healthy. I just need to change my mind, my thinking, my perspective and come to the realization that even when I do lose 10 lbs, I won't. Be. Perfect.

So, on a practical note, I also think I've had lots of "Day 1's" because many of the eating plans I've followed are 3 or 4 phases of 2 to 3 weeks a piece, and they build on the success and adherence of the previous phase. But, I think my head has become too legalistic, so, starting today, on this "Day 1" of the next 8 weeks, I will write the rest of the days in my journal in sequential order.

And, if I have a day that is less than satisfactory, I will journal it. I will simply just write it down.

I know. It seems like this should be obvious, nothing near rocket science, but for me, it's like a brand new discovery. I'm only on "Day 1" yet this revelation to write out the good, the bad and the ugly, but without making a new "Day 1" each time I mess up is kind of exciting! You see, I'm a really good starter, but the follow through is touch and go sometimes, especially if something seems to be dragging on or has lost my interest. And, I imagine with my unhealthy drive for perfection, writing down something that "outs" my failures isn't something I want to see in writing. But I think it will be good for me. Part of the journey...

You know the weird part? This is all relative. I mean, for me losing 10 lbs will help me feel healthy and strong. It's not like I'm going to go send in pictures of myself to some agency, because, one, I would have to lose 30 for them, two, I don't want to be a model, and three, it's not for the recognition of anyone else.

Nope. Those 10 lbs are for me. And I know I can do this.