I Ask Myself?

So, as a result of yesterday's post I received some encouraging emails, texts, calls, prayers offered up for my crazy self.  Thank you!  Seriously!  Thank you all so much for your encouragement!  I promise I wasn't fishing, but I will say your love and support has lifted me!  (I linked yesterday's post to Facebook...here's what I said along with it: 

"To be real honest with you, I don't like sharing this particular blog with friends...it's easier to share it with strangers who don't know me from Adam, don't care about me, and won't ever hold me accountable. So, please forward this to "other people" and let's just keep pretending I have my act together..."

One friend emailed me the questions, "YIKES!  This has nothing to do with 10 lbs on the scale.  You are absolutely being tyrannical and why?"; "You would never approach your Emily with this kind of perfectionist rant.  But it's okay to treat yourself this way.  Why?"; and finally, "I think I would want you to ask yourself - for the next 24 hours - to prayerfully seek out what you are so angry about. I had a counsellor spring this on me once and I was in shock and considerable denial. What? Me angry? No way!"

So, I asked myself...

Am I angry about something?  I don't think I'm angry, but am I, indeed angry?

WHOA!  I tell you what, all you have to do is pick up the phone and call the counseling office...you don't even have to make an appointment, just the act of it can set digging up the past and healing for the future in motion!   And, of course, asking yourself if you are angry about something...but DO actually make the appointment since the can of worms is open and not meant to be tackled alone.  (Unfortunately for you, I don't feel like it's appropriate to go into all my anger issues here either ever, or, at least until I speak to a counselor who can help me maybe put it into words that can encourage you on your own journey.)

My friend is partly right.  It isn't about 10 lbs up or down on the scale.  And, it is.  I feel like I've lived the last 20ish years of my life wishing I could just lose those last "10 lbs."  And I DID lose those last 10 lbs, just a few months ago, and about 10 lbs ago. 

And inside, and outside, I was happy!

I DID IT!  I STUCK WITH SOMETHING, STAYED DISCIPLINED, WORKED HARD, AND FOLLOWED THROUGH!!!!

But it had been a goal for so long that when I reached it, I really didn't know what to do with it.  It sounds so strange, I realize, but it's almost like I didn't know how to be the 10 lb lighter me.  (THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN AN IDEAL TIME TO HAVE BEEN IN COUNSELING...NOTE TO SELF...) 

I did it for me and only for me, so I wasn't ready or even thinking about what others would say.  I mean, when we watch "The Biggest Loser" we cheer them on, even shed tears we are so happy for them, but when I finally break through a physical stronghold that has symbolically been a spiritual and mental battlefield, there was no party held or overall congratulatory sentiment.  Instead, with wrinkled brow one person said I was too skinny.  Someone else said they weren't used to me being thin.  "You're not eating enough," spoken to me as I was eating an extra large salad with meat, veggies, oil and nuts on top...

Don't get me wrong, there were plenty that celebrated with me.  They told me "Great Job!" and "Tell me what you did?!"  I was encouraged and shared my story, encouraged them they could do it too, that I hadn't felt healthier inside or out in years, that I was so glad I finally felt clean and healthy.  It helped my heart to know I could encourage someone else on a similar journey.

So then why were those few negative comments so detrimental to my mindset?  Why did I listen to their words, digest them, and instead of allowing them to leave my body as waste, keep those negative sentiments (disguised as concern) stored up in me?  (*Did you know that fat cells store toxins?  Do you see the symbolism here?)

Anyway, the big bold letters up top tell a lot of the story...

I'm glad my friend posed the questions that she did.  It gives me some homework to do over the next few weeks as I prepare for counseling.  Poor counselor better hold on tight and bring a napkin because I think I may just puke all over her...symbolically, of course!