Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I Ask Myself?

So, as a result of yesterday's post I received some encouraging emails, texts, calls, prayers offered up for my crazy self.  Thank you!  Seriously!  Thank you all so much for your encouragement!  I promise I wasn't fishing, but I will say your love and support has lifted me!  (I linked yesterday's post to Facebook...here's what I said along with it: 
"To be real honest with you, I don't like sharing this particular blog with friends...it's easier to share it with strangers who don't know me from Adam, don't care about me, and won't ever hold me accountable. So, please forward this to "other people" and let's just keep pretending I have my act together..."
One friend emailed me the questions, "YIKES!  This has nothing to do with 10 lbs on the scale.  You are absolutely being tyrannical and why?"; "You would never approach your Emily with this kind of perfectionist rant.  But it's okay to treat yourself this way.  Why?"; and finally, "I think I would want you to ask yourself - for the next 24 hours - to prayerfully seek out what you are so angry about. I had a counsellor spring this on me once and I was in shock and considerable denial. What? Me angry? No way!"

So, I asked myself...

Am I angry about something?  I don't think I'm angry, but am I, indeed angry?

WHOA!  I tell you what, all you have to do is pick up the phone and call the counseling office...you don't even have to make an appointment, just the act of it can set digging up the past and healing for the future in motion!   And, of course, asking yourself if you are angry about something...but DO actually make the appointment since the can of worms is open and not meant to be tackled alone.  (Unfortunately for you, I don't feel like it's appropriate to go into all my anger issues here either ever, or, at least until I speak to a counselor who can help me maybe put it into words that can encourage you on your own journey.)

My friend is partly right.  It isn't about 10 lbs up or down on the scale.  And, it is.  I feel like I've lived the last 20ish years of my life wishing I could just lose those last "10 lbs."  And I DID lose those last 10 lbs, just a few months ago, and about 10 lbs ago

And inside, and outside, I was happy!

I DID IT!  I STUCK WITH SOMETHING, STAYED DISCIPLINED, WORKED HARD, AND FOLLOWED THROUGH!!!!

But it had been a goal for so long that when I reached it, I really didn't know what to do with it.  It sounds so strange, I realize, but it's almost like I didn't know how to be the 10 lb lighter me.  (THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN AN IDEAL TIME TO HAVE BEEN IN COUNSELING...NOTE TO SELF...) 

I did it for me and only for me, so I wasn't ready or even thinking about what others would say.  I mean, when we watch "The Biggest Loser" we cheer them on, even shed tears we are so happy for them, but when I finally break through a physical stronghold that has symbolically been a spiritual and mental battlefield, there was no party held or overall congratulatory sentiment.  Instead, with wrinkled brow one person said I was too skinny.  Someone else said they weren't used to me being thin.  "You're not eating enough," spoken to me as I was eating an extra large salad with meat, veggies, oil and nuts on top...

Don't get me wrong, there were plenty that celebrated with me.  They told me "Great Job!" and "Tell me what you did?!"  I was encouraged and shared my story, encouraged them they could do it too, that I hadn't felt healthier inside or out in years, that I was so glad I finally felt clean and healthy.  It helped my heart to know I could encourage someone else on a similar journey.

So then why were those few negative comments so detrimental to my mindset?  Why did I listen to their words, digest them, and instead of allowing them to leave my body as waste, keep those negative sentiments (disguised as concern) stored up in me?  (*Did you know that fat cells store toxins?  Do you see the symbolism here?)

Anyway, the big bold letters up top tell a lot of the story...

I'm glad my friend posed the questions that she did.  It gives me some homework to do over the next few weeks as I prepare for counseling.  Poor counselor better hold on tight and bring a napkin because I think I may just puke all over her...symbolically, of course!


2 comments:

  1. I'm posting anonymously because if anyone found this comment and knew it was me....well, I'm just not ready to go there with them in real life.

    Thank you for writing this. On your last post, I remember thinking, "Geez, how can she be so hard on herself? Has she looked in a mirror lately and seen how gorgeous she is?!" But then I looked in a metaphorical mirror at my own life and found myself being willing to be even harder on myself.

    I'm in a season of spiraling out of control in just about every area of life, weight being one of them. But as much as I don't like how I look in pictures and as much as I would love to wear my favorite clothes again, the issue is really so much bigger than carrying around 30 extra pounds on my little frame. The issue is that I hate myself and can no longer hear or see the truth about me. My mom said some things to me the other day that pretty much served as the tipping point for this tailspin.

    I know what God says about how much He loves us and how He made us His masterpieces, but when you boil it down, I don't really believe He is talking about me. This is so hard to admit, considering part of my job is to teach others what He says about them and to love on them as He would. Crazy how I can't believe it for myself.

    The thing is, when I was at a healthy weight, I didn't see that as being good. I still saw all the things "wrong" with me. And I have no idea how to accept myself or how to let go of the anger and self-hatred that is currently doing a bang-up job destroying me. How amazing it would be to actually be able to hear what God says about me - even at this weight, even with these faults and failings that my mom listed so eloquently. Maybe someday. It's definitely going to take a Big God to work a Big Miracle to make that happen though.

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  2. Anonymous, thanks for sharing your heart! I am so sorry that your mom said things to start a tailspin. It's crazy how one person's words or behaviors or attitudes can be so hurtful to our hearts, even when so many others are cheering us on, and of course, the very One who created us!

    I'll be praying for you, and myself, to start loving ourselves, believing the truth that's been spoken over us, and to be able to be freed of the lies that cause us to hate ourselves. I read your comment and am so sad that you are hard on yourself...and then I realize you are responding for the very same reason...

    Thankfully God is Big and He's in the business of FREEDOM and LIFE!

    Ade xoxox

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