Fat On Purpose

I think as far as my first-thing-in-the-morning face goes, it's safe to say that my face prefers less or no-carbs.  But, just to keep up with the photo journey, here are pics from last Saturday through today...

Day 10 - scientifically it would be good if I knew what led up to this particular day b/c my face is the brightest it's been yet.  And I love that crazy gray hair shooting straight up at my part...awesome.

Day 11 - Super slacker, broke my own rule of not sleeping with make-up on.  Too tired the night before to even care.  Note to self:  this is how my grandma's eyelashes got short and sparse in latter years...don't wear make-up to bed...

Day 12 - not too fancy.  The night before I ate a huge portion of salmon.  I've been doing a lifting program and am trying to figure out protein sources to stay on this "veggie-fast."  However,  I have to experiment what my best sources of protein will be. 

Day 13 - blah, blah, blah.  Had to head downstairs so I didn't wake up Jason with my mug-shot.  The black shirt vs. the white one in these pics, I think, is making a difference in what shows up on my face.  I am feeling clean, though, so that's what matters...

Day 14 - This is the aftermath of trying to gain weight.   Salt-free nuts are likely a better option for my face.  No nuts are better for my waist-line and mental well-being.

So, as far as my title states, I've been doing something the last week that is against everything I've ever practiced.  I've been trying to gain a couple of pounds of insulation.  I've never done this on purpose and I think it messed with my mind yesterday.  You see, I have the markers, though my doctor and I both won't "accept" the diagnosis, of Sjogren's Syndrome, an auto-immune disorder.  From the research I've done over the past several years since having Noah, I know that auto-immune diseases aren't mutually exclusive and symptoms may vary and overlap.  I haven't been tested for many of them, but I do know that how we eat and take care of our bodies can radically determine how extensive they may become.  Anyway, one major symptom I have is dryness...mouth, sinuses, skin, eyes.  That coupled with how cold I am, like constantly, and it makes for a long winter.

So, yesterday I decided to eat some nuts, good fats, to not only add warmth for winter, but for a little lubrication.

And that's where it went downhill fast.  You see, I can't just eat a handful of nuts.  Who the hell can eat just 6 almonds?  Which is usually why I avoid them.  Nope.  I eat a cup of nuts.  And yesterday, against any judgment whatsoever, I ate salted pistachios until my eyes started to feel puffy and my tongue was raw from all the salt.

So, I start new.  Fresh.  I don't beat the crap out of myself.  I learn from my choices and experience the consequences, and I question why I chose that many nuts over walking away, meditating on God's word, changing my surroundings, or whatever.

Anyway, there's not a whole lot to report other than I'm off the nuts again.  One day I may be able to eat just 6, but until that day, I'd better stick to roasting my veggies in a little olive or coconut oil.

More Like You

I wish I were more like you.

Your silence is deafening...the way you carry yourself without words.  They speak volumes to me...that you, indeed, live a life without struggles, insecurities...sin.

I wish I were more like you…

...because you don't seem to have any problems.

You seem to have your act together 98% of the time, and the other 2% are passed off or softened through sarcasm.  I get that.  I try to laugh at myself, too.  

I do not share with you those things with which I wrestle in the dark, and in the solitude.  Not because I don't want to, but because, clearly, you would not understand, seeing as how you have no problems, and all...

If I were more like you, than I would be less like me.

A girl who is no longer a girl but often times wishes she was, just so she could go back to simpler times when grown ups told her what to eat, when to hop in the shower, that bedtime was approaching...and the prayers were prayed over her rather than feeling the weight of praying the prayers in order to stop the madness which sometimes swirls in this 40 year old brain.

If I was more like you, I imagine my life would be easier, more beautiful, less confusing...because that's how you portray it, at least.

Check "Yes" or "No" if this is not the case.

Your leading role in this life as a person who struggles with nothing is a command performance. We all want to know just how you do it.  We'd appreciate a copy of your script.  We would love to play along...

I'm afraid to tell you when I fail.  Failure is unbecoming.  You might think less of me.  Would it take me back to square one in your eyes, or would you see it just as a blip in my journey?

To see it as only a blip in my journey would be the kind of Grace I know is extended to me every single day.  However, as much as I try to see myself with Your eyes, on this particular day, and on this leg of the journey, one day of failure is epic.  

I wish I were more like You.  

Because then I would be less like me.