So, here you go: I was a latch-key kid starting in 2nd grade and it was
then that my addiction and jacked up relationship with food began. Or
maybe it was then that my skewed self-image started emerging. Chicken
or the egg? I was a free agent in the kitchen and no one was there to
tell me, "No. Dinner is almost ready, don't fill up." I would usually
play with my BFF down the street for a bit and then if we didn't snack
at her house, or even if we did,
I'd come home and open the pantry. "What can I sneak before my parents
get home?" Mwwahahaha! I suspect it started out of actual hunger from actually playing outside
way back when in the late '70's and early '80's, you know, when we rode
our bikes and skipped rope and roller skated and chased kids and
climbed trees...before Atari. Does anyone out there remember? Anyway, at some point it morphed from hunger to boredom, and though I have not been bored for the last 30 years straight, I most certainly have eaten out of boredom...and comfort...and sadness...and boredom...and probably habit?
So when I lost all that weight recently, I looked in the mirror and was
shocked, quite frankly. I didn't have bat wings. There wasn't a spot
of cellulite to push in and wiggle. My stomach was flat which had never
happened...and I thought, "Wow. You look really healthy. That's the
you I've always known was under there."
And then I cracked. I didn't know how to be that healthy thin person. I started self-sabotaging. Gross, I know.
But really, I did not know how to carry myself and the very weight I
had hated for years I welcomed back with open, floppy upper arms.
Anyway,
I'm kind of grossing myself out here. I am on this journey to find
healing and wholeness. I write because it helps me get my guts and
thoughts on "paper." I write it here because without accountability
there is no motivation for change. I write here because I know I am not
the only person out of 6 plus billion that has a very skewed self-body
image or less than desirable relationship with food or self.
Warning: I
have to be real here. I will not candy-coat my entries. I will not
blow sunshine and try to make this look fluffy, though I will crack
jokes to lighten my own heart. If you are offended by the content of this blog, hit "Next blog" and be on your way...it's just that easy.
For anyone else, if this blog resonates with you on any level, come back for another serving. My heart buffet is open...
