Spinning

As I stepped out of the shower yesterday morning, I wished Jason hadn't been there, brushing his teeth.  I felt frumpy.  Squishy.  Not svelte.  The last few days I have felt like I am spinning out of control, like some toy top with no destination.  My head has been jacked up.  Jacked.  In High School when we all had to shower and change in an open setting for PE, I was the girl strategically holding my towel with my teeth, backside up against the open locker, maneuvering my clothes so no one would see my parts.  I'm NOT that way with my husband, but I will say that when I feel fat or ugly, I wish for his own good he didn't have to see me.

Perspective.  It's all about perspective, though.  What my eye sees and what my husband sees are apparently two different things.  I wish I could see what he sees 100% of the time instead of seeing through the foggy battleground that is my mind!

Me:  Sweetheart, let's just talk about the elephant in the room...no pun intended, ironically...

He stared at me blankly.

Me:  Sweetheart, obviously I've gained 10 lbs in the last month...I feel out of control with food and I just need to figure out how to get my head on straight!  I'm sorry I'm such a freak!

Him:  Adrienne, I think you are gorgeous!  I just wish you would go to counseling like you said you wanted to for a while, and get some help.  I know your mom or my sister would be glad to watch Ry while you go to an appointment, or you could go on a Friday when I work from home.  I just want you to be okay...

Me:  You are right.  I'll call tomorrow.

I have gone to counseling off and on in the past for grief.  Several months back I called to make an appointment to talk about body image but they didn't have an opening for a month and feeling as desperate as I did at the time, a month was too far out, so I just never made an appointment.  I must have gotten my act together for a time because life just went on.

Well, this past weekend was a horrible, no good, very bad weekend in my food arena.  Not only did I eat out of boredom and stress (it's not that I am ever bored...it's that my plate gets so full I'm not able to get a clear picture of priority vs. busyness and I want to accomplish SOMETHING so then I just multi-task piddly things that don't leave me feeling like I did anything right!) but I unknowingly ate a hearty helping of really yummy turkey meatballs that were likely made with egg and gluten, two of my allergens.  I'm NOT exaggerating when I tell you that my stomach was so distended yesterday and last night I looked 7 months pregnant...and I'm not kidding!  That's just how I looked...how I felt was like a pregnant lady in her first trimester but with 2nd and 3rd trimester cravings!  Confession:  I tried a new gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, soy-free chocolate chip cookie recipe and ate a dozen.  I sent the rest to Em's class.   

This morning at 8:30 I called the counseling office.  December 8th is the first opening.  Tears rimmed my eyes because it seems so far out there!  I secured the time slot and breathed calmly not letting the receptionist hear the choke in my throat that was tightening from the tears that were now flowing.  I even smiled as I finished up the call so as to mask my now shaky voice.

It took a lot for me to make that call.  The funny thing is, just the act of making the call helped the spinning in my head at least slow down a bit.   

I know I have problems.  That's why I have this stupid blog.  Why I feel out of control lately, I'm not sure?!  One thing I do know is until December 8th at 11:00 I'm going to keep myself very, very, very, very, very, very busy.  When I am busy I don't graze nor do I have time to think about food.  There is a scripture in Titus that talks about the young wives being busy at home.  God put it on my heart the other day.  I've translated my mile-long task and to-do list to actually being busy when in reality, I've been doing the fight or flight approach.  All the things that are left undone in my home are so overwhelming and seem daunting that I blow them off and survive in the day to day, accomplishing things that are daily tasks, therefore never checking off the big ticket items...

No point to this post and no eloquent way to end it.  I'm spinning.  I'd like to stop spinning and just be.  I want to be free to finally be me.

More thoughts tomorrow...