I'm "Lo"

Today as I hopped on the scale for my weekly weigh-in (I was going to start weighing myself daily but weighing yourself every day the week of your period is dumb...) it said, "Lo."  Though, reading this when you know you are packing a little extra water weight really is kind of encouraging...even if it doesn't have anything to do with me :)

Of course "Lo" means the scale, one, can't spell, and two, needs a battery change but it's one of those lithium types that I don't just have lying around, so I need to plan a trip to the store.

But as I pondered the read out, "Lo," I thought, wouldn't that be nice if the scale read:

• "Low"
• "High"
• "Just Right"

Or even better, what if scales were more like personal coaches or motivational speakers:

• "You can do it!"
• "Way to go!"
• "You know you have what it takes!"
• "Get off you butt and MOVE IT!"
• "NO MORE EXCUSES!'

Or not have a scale at all.

Except that we still need ways to gauge our health.  For me, those ways are making a majority of my food choices from raw fruits and vegetables, juicing green stuff, eating lean meats and good fats, limiting my processed foods, avoiding my allergens and indulging once in a while rather than indulging all the time and having a veggie once in a while.

Anyway, the scale is broken, my kid is napping, I'm headed to the basement to hop on the treadmill, it's snowing outside, and I don't feel like going out to buy a new battery just to step on the scale to see what my weight is today.  I know I am down from last Friday, maybe a pound or so, just b/c last Saturday my scale did work and it read 137.6.  Whatever.  For my body, I know what foods to avoid in order to keep my weight around a certain number...I just have to decide to do it or not.  And this past week, I didn't make that choice...

Derailment

Have you ever driven slowly by the scene of an accident?  Well, I mean, hopefully you have because we're supposed to slow down for the safety of those helping.  But have you ever slowed down just to look?

Maybe you assess the situation, wonder how on earth that car got way over there or you hope and pray no one was in the back seat of the other car that now has no back seat.  You say a prayer for those involved, and drive on your way...a little slower, maybe a bit more cautious.

Or what about trains?  I heard years ago, what I believe is an urban legend, if you put a penny on a train track it will derail a locomotive.  This is highly doubtful, but I looked it up just to confirm.  Notsomuch.  Just flat pennies and money taken out of circulation is all.  However, the Federal Railroad Administration said that a cow, boulder, a car or other larger items could, indeed, derail a train.  But, regardless of how a train wrecks, the truth is, they are large machines with heavy duty power driving them....when one of those bad boys goes off track, it's not very pretty. 

It takes work to have it up and running again...

When my son was in the hospital the nurses once in a while would say, "We have a train wreck!"     There weren't actual train wrecks happening, but it meant bad news and a busy night ahead for all those working.

Hollywood has tried to create train wreck scenes over the years and if you search you will find some pretty bad ones from way back when where clearly someone borrowed their child's "under the Christmas tree" train set to set the stage.

Yes, or maybe no, I suppose accidents can "just happen."  But I'm not totally convinced.  After going through what we did with Noah, I'm not so sure there is such a thing as "chance."  But that's another post altogether.

No matter what, at least here in America, if there's a crash or accident of some sort, a derailment or train wreck, one thing we know is there will always be an investigation:

• How did it happen?  
• What time did it occur?  
• Who was involved?  
• What were the circumstances?  
• Was weather a factor?  
• Did alcohol play a role?  
• Who is at fault?   
• Can it be prevented in the future? 
• What can we learn from this situation?
• Basically, what happened?!?!

Anyway, I've been thinking for the last few days about things that "derail" me.  I went to group counseling on Tuesday and, of course, it was friggin' awesome.  But I've been asking myself questions, like those above, as it relates to food, health, and loving me.

I do really well in routine.  I like it.  I also like flow.  I enjoy freedom.  Notsomuch a fan of others trying to control me or my life, my opinions or my time. 

The last month and a half have been really inconsistent on my part and so, I decided to: 

Stop.  

Collaborate.  

Listen.  

Figure out where I lost my mojo, if you will.

What derails me and causes me to eat 6 chocolate chip cookies isn't what derails you.  I talked to a friend this morning.  Someone brought amazing tortilla chips to work to share.  That's thoughtful and all, but notsomuch for the one in the office who just. can't. stop.  And, chatting with a girl at the store earlier, just the thought of her ex-husband drives her to snarf down the whole package of sugar cookies.

We have different triggers.  For me, when I am sailing along in my routine and it's working nicely for me and then I physically leave my familiar surroundings for say, vacation or a road trip...DERAIL.  As great as vacations should be, sometimes I don't know how to make good choices in those unfamiliar and unstructured settings, ie: tons of tortilla chips and tequila in Mexico, for instance. 

As I've looked back over the last month+ I realize we've had the holidays, a trip to Mexico, I had a birthday and I started group counseling.  Those would be the big dogs...changes.  I've also had two kids who keep passing the sick baton back and forth.  And this morning I've cleaned up dog barf 7 times.  It's Superfun!

I've made good choices off and on.  And I've made poor, unhealthy choices off and on.  But, one of the best things I have done for my heart and mind is not throw it all out with the bathwater but realize it's a process.  This isn't all or nothing, like I failed and am not a healthy person because I had a fender bender or even derailed.  I know it's one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.  And I know when my body feels good when I've eaten healthily and when I feel like I got hit by a train if I've attended my own personal carb-fests.

But I'm more aware and I think that's part of the battle.  For me, my triggers include:

• lack of schedule
• clutter, either around my house or in my mind
• so much to do I'm not sure where to start, overwhelm
• neediness from others and not sure if I'm the one to fill the need
• hitting snooze and not getting up when my alarm goes off, slippery slope in losing schedule
• looking at too many food blogs for recipes, even if looking for good ones it can be food-porn

What are your triggers?  What things or people or places "derail" you?

Secrets

We all have them.  Some are relatively harmless but others are so deep, so covered, stuffed far beneath the surface into the darkest parts of our hearts that we actually believe we're fooling those around us into thinking something isn't there that is indeed, there. 

And maybe for a time, it works.  Fooling others, that is.  Or at least fooling ourselves. 

However, if I told you to drink poison, would you?  No.  You would plainly know from the word "poison" that at some point, either immediately or gradually, you should expect a negative reaction, even death. 

The problem is, most of us are pretty smart.  Relatively speaking, of course.  There are those.  But I'm not talking about them, I'm talking to me and to you and we are pretty smart. 

Except for the fact that we only use, or are able to potentially use, 10% of our brains.  Yep.  That leaves 90% untapped...and I've done a little math in my lifetime, sooooo....let's see, I guess it's safe to deduce we are smart but we have so much more to learn.

We wouldn't knowingly drink poison if we knew it could hurt us.  Then why do we knowingly stuff hurts, scars and secrets?  Especially the ones that were toxic to begin with like bitterness, jealousy, unforgiveness...holding onto that kind of stuff, no matter how far down we stuff it, still causes a toxic response, even if ever so slowly...

While my son was sick in the hospital, I had several epiphanies, if you will.  One of those being, "There is no such thing as a secret."(NSTAAS)  It came to my heart in a moment when my polished church girl, theologically trained faith prayer (PCGTTFP) was not lining up with the real, present time words running through my head and heart or the deep ache way down in my guts. 

If you were to witness it, it would be something like this:

• PCGTTFP:  "Lord, I know you can move mountains!  I trust you with my son's life!  I know you can heal him and so I am begging you to please heal my baby!"
• NSTAAS:  (In my head/heart/guts)  This totally sucks!  My kid is dying.  No one knows squat.  No one can save him.  You aren't answering my prayers the way I want You to.  I would die for my son.  Do You have any idea what it's like to know your son is going to die and you can't do anything about it?  I'm so angry with You, God!  If I were running the Universe it certainly wouldn't be like this!  This fucking sucks!  Make it all go away!  Fix it!

And there it was.  The moment I realized that if God was who He said He was, then He knew everything. 

Every.  Single.  Thing. 

He knew that even though I believed and trusted He could heal my son, at the same time, these thoughts and frustrations were running through my heart.  And, it wasn't a secret to Him that I had dropped the "F-bomb" in my head or that I was disenchanted with the fact I couldn't see the Big Picture so none of my reality made sense.

This epiphany was one of the most freeing moments in my walk with God because I knew for the first time "There is no such thing as a secret."  God knew my thoughts.  He knew that as strong as I was trying to be on the outside wasn't always going to match the reality of my insides.  Or vice versa.  And since He is big, I knew God could handle this.  It really made me love Him all the more.

So fast forward to modern day.  Here's a big fat secret I've held onto now for 5 and half years...until last Friday when I finally dealt with it, but not because I planned it that way.  Nope, I was fine harboring what had become something quite familiar and comfortable, really.  I hadn't thought about it in a while, to be honest.  I guess our secrets do that...when we want them hidden they become part of us.

Unless, of course, they are toxic to us and that's when the whole "God loves us" and "He knows what's best for us" and "There's no such thing as a secret" stuff comes in.  Because if something dark is holding us back from the very best God has for us, He'll expose it.  Oh baby, He'll expose it.

Long story short.  For 5.5 yrs I've had bitterness and unforgiveness in my heart toward one of the doctors at my children's clinic.  The weekend before Noah was admitted to the hospital we were at our friend's house for a birthday party.  Our friend was an ICU nurse.  She is smart.  She looked at Noah and told me I should call the doctor.  I remember thinking, "It's the weekend, I don't want to bother them...they are with their families..."  She said, "Ade, he's retracting and is hypotonic.  He's sick."  She urged me on.  I called.

The gist.  After the answering service called the doc, she called me.  In her tone I heard, "It's the weekend.  Is this really so bad that you are calling me on the weekend?"  In so many words, she said to watch him and bring him in on Monday when the offices were open.

A few days later we checked our son into the hospital for the rest of his life.  From the time that doc called me that sunny Saturday afternoon in July, I vowed she'd never be the caregiver of any of my children...ever.  Over my friggin' dead body.

And, over the last 5 1/2  years that's been a pretty easy vow to fulfill.  Every time I made appointments for Emily, if that doc was in the office that day, I'd say, "Yep, anybody but so and so..."  It worked.  No big deal.

Until Friday.  Like, Friday of just last week.  Yeah.  My baby has had a fever off and on and was starting the barky, walrusy cough.  I wasn't a fan because I've already taken him to the ER for croup so wasn't wanting to relive great memories.  I called ahead and we got there in time for a 4 o'clock sick visit.

I saw the names of the care providers in the office and for the briefest moment thought, "Huh.  How random would that be if that's who sees Ryan?"  But, it was fleeting and I forgot about it.

No temp.  Bark, bark.  Good weight.  Cough, cough. "Anything else before I send the doctor in?"

Nope.

Knock, knock with a simultaneous open door...

And there she was.

And my heart was okay.

As I listened to her get down to business, check out my sweet little lover, and give us a plan for the weekend (ironic) my heart began to quicken, ever so slightly.

Let's just say God and I have been down the whole heart beating to get my attention road before.  It doesn't take as much these days.  I get it God, You want me to obey...yeah, yeah.

When she was finished with business and about to hop to her feet and head out...

Me:  May I say something?
Doc:  Sure. 
Me:  I want to apologize to you. 
Doc:  Okay?
Me:  For five and a half years now I have had bitterness and unforgiveness in my heart towards you.
Doc:  Oh?  Okay.
Me:  And, of course you had no idea.  You see, we had a son who died 5 years ago and before he went to the hospital, I called on the weekend and you were the provider.  Whether you did this or not, I don't know, but the conversation came across that you were put off by getting a call on the weekend.  I was trying not to call but my friend encouraged me.  A few days later we took him to the hospital for the rest of his life.
Doc:  I am so sorry.
Me:  I am so sorry.  I'm sorry I held this unforgiveness for so long.  Will you forgive me?
Doc:  Of course.  Will you forgive me?
Me:  Of course.
Doc:  What all happened with your son?  I hope that we were supportive of you guys.
Me:  It's a long story, but yes, the practice was very supportive.
Doc:  I'm really glad you told me this.  Even if it's the 40th call on a weekend, it's important and you bringing it to my attention helps me to stop and get perspective that when I'm talking to that particular parent, that kid is the most important person at that moment.
Me:  Thank you for saying that.  It means a lot.
Doc:  I am so sorry.  Thank you for forgiving me.  My pastor just spoke on forgiveness last Sunday.  I really appreciate you saying this to me, even after all these years.
Me:  I'm sorry it's taken so long.  I don't want to carry around this toxicity, so forgiving you gives me freedom, too.  Thank you so much for your time.  I really appreciate it.
Doc:  I'd love to be part of your family's journey if you ever want to make an appointment with me.



I'm an apologizing and forgiving machine right now :)  Just kidding.  Don't push it.

But exposing my dark places to God's light is bringing me more and more freedom to finally be who God designed me to be.

Friday Weigh-In

I'm kind of cranky but it's part of the process, maybe?!  My weigh-in this morning was 139.6 lbs.

I threw out my back after hauling an armoire from the 2nd floor to the basement with my husband.  I was so revved up to work out all week long and then spent the last 4 days stretching instead. 

The other thing that busts my chops is that I've been juicing 2x a day for a week and a half.  WTH?

And, the other thing that busts my chops is that 139.6 lbs, a year ago, would have been cause for celebration.  Now I have one nice soft roll when I sit down and two thighs that give each other a high five when they pass by.  I'm 5 to 7 lbs off my mark and it's crazy how much of a difference it makes

Last Friday I guess I forgot to type in my weight, but I know it was 137.4 lbs. 

One thing we talked about at group counseling the other night was about "Maintenance."  When I got to that circle on the chart I wrote in my notes the first things that came to mind. 

They were:

1. How do I find sustainability?
2. How do I keep it "fresh," say, like a marriage needs to be kept fresh to stay alive?

Then, the picture of math came into my head, which is rare so that means I should listen.  I saw an angle with degree points and straight lines at each degree.  As the lines, all one degree apart, traveled out of the center of the angle you could definitely see space between the lines.

Translation:  As far as "Maintenance" goes, sometimes I have to tweak my behavior just one degree to make a lasting change.  Stop looking at the Big Picture and just make one small change, each day, one day or step at a time because it does make a difference in the long run.

And one of those steps is I'm going to start weighing in again every morning (have only been doing Fridays) and am keeping a food journal.  These two small steps seem to help me focus a little.

Also, I'm starting my marathon walking schedule next week so if I can't cut those pounds off walking 450+ training miles in 5 months, then I guess they're meant to stay.  (But they're not...)

Ladies Night Out!

And by "Ladies Night Out!" I mean:  a weekly women's only group therapy session I am attending for a total of eight weeks with a bunch of strangers.

It was really funny, I must say.  My neighbor was literally shocked that I go to counseling.

What is the stigma?  How "jacked up" does one have to be in order to qualify?  Don't we all have baggage or faulty thinking or skeletons in our closets or hurts/wounds that may have scarred over but have healed pretty ugly?

Maybe not?  *shrug*  I don't know.  All I know is, I got problems.   Hello!

But what if people actually went to counseling BEFORE they were totally messed up or unhealthy patterns, thought processes or behaviors set in?  What a friggin' novel idea!  Wish I had thought of that 30+ friggin' years ago. 

Prevention.  Huh.


So last night, at Ladies Night Out, no, it's not called that...anyway, last night was friggin' amazing!

For reals!  Uh.  Maze.  Ing!

I don't even have room here to blog all about it, but maybe I'll share it in a series.  Yeah, that's it.  I'll do that.

Okay, so our counselor gave us this hand-out by Prochaska & DiClemente called the Stages of Change.  Now, you may remember this from your college Psych 101 class.  I, however, though I likely studied it way back when, only did so for a test or paper...and sadly never applied it to my life.  Huh.

You mean this was all preventable?!  Probably notsomuch...

Anyway, did you go look at the hand-out?  I'll wait... *drumming fingers*

Okay, so, if you were to read it from the top of the cycle at "Pre-contemplation" and then follow the arrows clockwise, over the last year as I worked my butt off to be a new, healthy thin person, I went through the cycle up until "Maintenance."  At "Maintenance" I reached my 25 year goal of "losing those last 10 lbs" but not only that, did it in a way that was healthy and changed the way I not only viewed food and nutrition but how I viewed and loved myself.

And I did it for me.  At least I thought I did... And it was good.

But then, I didn't really know what to do.  Talking one on one with my counselor a few weeks back, she said, "It was like you accomplished your goal, so just checked it off your list of to-do's and moved onto the next item."  She was exactly right!  I told her that a year ago when I started this journey toward health and finally losing unwanted fat I wished I would have had a "What now?" or "Maintenance plan" in place.  What a helpful tool this chart would have been last summer/fall.

The positive side of this chart is the "Upward Spiral" in the center.  It says, "Learn from each relapse."  And, looking back on my life, I realize I've traveled this "Transtheoretical Model of the Stages of Change" many a time.  And each time, apparently through the process of relapse, I did learn a bit more about healthy eating, balanced lifestyle, whole foods, the mind game and weight loss, what my allergies and sensitivities are, how my body reacts to certain foods, which ones I should avoid and on which ones my body thrives..."How I'll do it better next time," if you will.

But, not until I was on the cusp of turning 40 friggin' years old (I'm not "friggin'" about the number...just in awe and a little crusty that it took sooooo long to learn this particular piece...) did the "Relapse" send me into a new spiral of learning what I've needed to learn this whole friggin' time.

And that is:

TO FRIGGIN' LOVE MYSELF!

REAL LOVE.

LIKE THE KIND OF LOVE GOD DESIGNED.

TRUE LOVE.

So yeah.  I knew in my heart 2012 was going to be a good year.  I had NO friggin' idea it would be the year I'd finally fall in love with ME!  And I will ABSOLUTELY explain this in another post...because I know I am not the only one out there that has felt friggin' GUILTY or AFRAID of those words that God Almighty of the Whole Wide World Who loves us commands us to do...because it's so much more "righteous" and "spiritual" and "humble" to love our neighbors, but not ourselves.   

Except.  That.  Is.  Not.  What.  HE SAID!