Deeply Rooted

The new Me

The Me I've always known I could be

The Me that's hidden deep within
-under shame
-shallow sin

It's time to live
-time to breathe
-walk out
-walk bold
-not break in the breeze

Stand tall, live large

A tree, planted long ago
-secure and strong
-deeply rooted
-seeking life from The Source

Nourishment, true Nourishment

The Son
-feeding me
-warming me
-filling me with light

Nutrients to every cell

I am free!

Free to grow, breathe, drink, dwell deeply

A tree planted by the Master Gardener, meant to grow and thrive
-to clap my hands
-to wave my branches
-meant to bend, not break, in the breeze

A planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor!

He gives life to me so I am able to give life to others.

I am a tree, grafted into the Vine.

*As I lounged in my hammock today in the perfect Colorado sun, inspired by God's goodness and grace, and Prochaska's Cycle of Addiction, I was journaling a plan, a POA or "Plan of Action" if you will, for how to move forward from here, one day at a time.  You see, last time I did a detox, cleanse or hCG, I never had a POA for how I was going to proceed once my body felt clean and detoxified.  I've been eating all of my culprit foods lately, and I feel lousy.  And today, in my hammock, I was quite over it.  So, I pulled out a journal and started writing...writing about which foods make me feel sick, weak, bloated, achy, miserable...and then wrote WHY?  Why would I eat them if I already KNOW they don't bring me life?  It was a freeing exercise, because I not only wrote the foods that make me feel like crap, but I wrote all the foods that make me feel great!  NOT EMOTIONALLY GREAT, BUT PHYSICALLY GREAT!  THE LATTER IS WHAT MATTERS MOST TO ME!  Like veggies, and veggies, and fish and chicken and beef, and more veggies, and only certain fruits, and more veggies, but not every veggie.  Anyway, as I wrote the picture of a beautiful tree came to my heart...and the above writing is what resulted from it.

More Like You

I wish I were more like you.

Your silence is deafening...the way you carry yourself without words.  They speak volumes to me...that you, indeed, live a life without struggles, insecurities...sin.

I wish I were more like you…

...because you don't seem to have any problems.

You seem to have your act together 98% of the time, and the other 2% are passed off or softened through sarcasm.  I get that.  I try to laugh at myself, too.  

I do not share with you those things with which I wrestle in the dark, and in the solitude.  Not because I don't want to, but because, clearly, you would not understand, seeing as how you have no problems, and all...

If I were more like you, than I would be less like me.

A girl who is no longer a girl but often times wishes she was, just so she could go back to simpler times when grown ups told her what to eat, when to hop in the shower, that bedtime was approaching...and the prayers were prayed over her rather than feeling the weight of praying the prayers in order to stop the madness which sometimes swirls in this 40 year old brain.

If I was more like you, I imagine my life would be easier, more beautiful, less confusing...because that's how you portray it, at least.

Check "Yes" or "No" if this is not the case.

Your leading role in this life as a person who struggles with nothing is a command performance. We all want to know just how you do it.  We'd appreciate a copy of your script.  We would love to play along...

I'm afraid to tell you when I fail.  Failure is unbecoming.  You might think less of me.  Would it take me back to square one in your eyes, or would you see it just as a blip in my journey?

To see it as only a blip in my journey would be the kind of Grace I know is extended to me every single day.  However, as much as I try to see myself with Your eyes, on this particular day, and on this leg of the journey, one day of failure is epic.  

I wish I were more like You.  

Because then I would be less like me.

Maggots

So, I enjoy talking with the people who work at the grocery stores I frequent.

I'm getting to know their stories.

I'm always happy when I walk into my local favorite organic grocer and see this one lady in particular.  Over the last year or so we've both revealed our runaway food cravings and sometimes skewed images of ourselves.  We've even talked of starting a small group, but not about food addiction.  Rather, we'd gather a few people to do the Dave Ramsey curriculum and get ourselves out of all debts.  Because, something else she's revealed as she's scanned my random food items for a year now is she's finishing up a nasty divorce and can't wait for financial freedom.

Do you just grocery shop?  Did you know the people who work there, at your favorite store, have stories, too?

So, today as I walked in pushing Ryan in the cart, she smiled and said, "Hi!  How are you doing?"

I stopped dead in my tracks and let out a huge sigh.

I promise, I'm usually not that dramatic!  In public, even if most of hell is breaking loose, I smile and say, "Yeah, it's all good.  We're fine..."

But, instead I said, "Ugh...I want to buy some of those chips you guys sell that are amazing that have soy sauce on them...and I want to eat the whole bag on the way home!"

She smiled and looked at me and said, with a concerned look on her face, "Oh...yeah...those chips all had maggots on them when we got the shipment."

My eyes were saucers.

"Seriously?!  That is sick!"

She just smiled at me.

And then I realized she was a really, really good friend.

I had never told her the brand of chip I was referring to!

As Ryan and I went up and down the aisles, smooching, giggling, and singing the ABC's, we grabbed the actual items that were on our shopping list.  I also realized something:  I no longer HATE the grocery store!

But I never did buy those maggot infested chips...

Chocolate Covered Baby

Meet my son, Guido.

Guido, whom we call "Ryan" likes chocolate, like his mom and big sister.  So we work chocolate into our recipes, along with other nutritious things kids don't have to know about ;)

The recipe that goes along with the chocolate mustache is:

• 8 oz. unsweetened almond milk
• 1 heaping Tbsp rice protein powder
• 1 serving Perfect Food RAW
• 2 Tbsp unsweetened dark cocoa powder
• dash stevia extract
• 1/2 can organic pumpkin
• 1 small container organic blueberries
• 2 cups ice cubes
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• dash ginger
• dash nutmeg
• dash cloves
• 1 heaping tsp Natural Magic Fiber 

Puree in a blender until smooth.  Then either dilute it into a sippy cup, or spoon it (the blueberry skins clog sippy cups...) into your little Guido's mouth.  A damp cloth to wipe the face periodically is highly suggested...

FYI:  This serving is not just for your kid.  It's a huge smoothie for you and then about 6 extra ounces just for your kiddo.

Whatever You Want to Tell Yourself...

"I'm good enough...


I'm smart enough...


And by golly, people like me.



I'm good enough...


I'm smart enough...


And by golly, people like me.



I'm good enough...


I'm smart enough...


And by golly, people like me.



I'm good enough...


I'm smart enough...


And by golly, people like me."


But no matter what, God's totally in love with me.  He always has been and always will be.  He made me, on purpose, for His purpose.  And when He looks at me, and sees me looking at myself in a mirror, despising my own reflection, He sees something I am unable to see.


He sees beauty.  He sees His workmanship.  He does not see perfection, yet He sees a reflection of Himself.


I want to see that, too.


Not a reflection of beauty the way the world defines it, but beautiful the way a 60 year old American Red Maple tree is still breathtaking even after its leaves have fallen before the winter.  A tree is beautiful, in different ways, in every season...


Sometimes, whether we believe it or not, we just have to tell ourselves we are beautiful, lovely, worth the effort.  I know that if I look in the mirror every morning and silently throw daggers at my own reflection, I'll start believing what I see is unlovely.  I'll start believing lies...


However, if the affirmations of Stewart Smalley at least cause my lips to curl up into a smile and laugh at myself, well, whatever I need to tell myself to lift my heart out of a slump, I'll do it.


What I see in the mirror isn't faith.  It's a reality with which I am struggling to reconcile.  Why can't I love me for just being me?  Why do I have unconditional love for others but not extend it to myself?


What I hope for, and in Whom I place my trust...that is faith.


And to stand in front of the mirror, or before I even place my feet on the floor in the morning, if I say, "Good morning, Lord!  I love You!  I trust You!  Thank You for making me!  I am beautiful and I love myself!" well, I'd say, that's a step in the right direction!


You see, God's Truth NEVER changes.  It's my heart that needs to line up with His reality.  And His reality is:  when He made me, He said it was good...


*What TRUTH do you need to tell yourself in order to break through the wall or barrier that is holding you back from being all you were designed to be?