Maggots

So, I enjoy talking with the people who work at the grocery stores I frequent.

I'm getting to know their stories.

I'm always happy when I walk into my local favorite organic grocer and see this one lady in particular.  Over the last year or so we've both revealed our runaway food cravings and sometimes skewed images of ourselves.  We've even talked of starting a small group, but not about food addiction.  Rather, we'd gather a few people to do the Dave Ramsey curriculum and get ourselves out of all debts.  Because, something else she's revealed as she's scanned my random food items for a year now is she's finishing up a nasty divorce and can't wait for financial freedom.

Do you just grocery shop?  Did you know the people who work there, at your favorite store, have stories, too?

So, today as I walked in pushing Ryan in the cart, she smiled and said, "Hi!  How are you doing?"

I stopped dead in my tracks and let out a huge sigh.

I promise, I'm usually not that dramatic!  In public, even if most of hell is breaking loose, I smile and say, "Yeah, it's all good.  We're fine..."

But, instead I said, "Ugh...I want to buy some of those chips you guys sell that are amazing that have soy sauce on them...and I want to eat the whole bag on the way home!"

She smiled and looked at me and said, with a concerned look on her face, "Oh...yeah...those chips all had maggots on them when we got the shipment."

My eyes were saucers.

"Seriously?!  That is sick!"

She just smiled at me.

And then I realized she was a really, really good friend.

I had never told her the brand of chip I was referring to!

As Ryan and I went up and down the aisles, smooching, giggling, and singing the ABC's, we grabbed the actual items that were on our shopping list.  I also realized something:  I no longer HATE the grocery store!

But I never did buy those maggot infested chips...

Chocolate Covered Baby

Meet my son, Guido.

Guido, whom we call "Ryan" likes chocolate, like his mom and big sister.  So we work chocolate into our recipes, along with other nutritious things kids don't have to know about ;)

The recipe that goes along with the chocolate mustache is:

• 8 oz. unsweetened almond milk
• 1 heaping Tbsp rice protein powder
• 1 serving Perfect Food RAW
• 2 Tbsp unsweetened dark cocoa powder
• dash stevia extract
• 1/2 can organic pumpkin
• 1 small container organic blueberries
• 2 cups ice cubes
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• dash ginger
• dash nutmeg
• dash cloves
• 1 heaping tsp Natural Magic Fiber 

Puree in a blender until smooth.  Then either dilute it into a sippy cup, or spoon it (the blueberry skins clog sippy cups...) into your little Guido's mouth.  A damp cloth to wipe the face periodically is highly suggested...

FYI:  This serving is not just for your kid.  It's a huge smoothie for you and then about 6 extra ounces just for your kiddo.

Whatever You Want to Tell Yourself...

"I'm good enough...


I'm smart enough...


And by golly, people like me.



I'm good enough...


I'm smart enough...


And by golly, people like me.



I'm good enough...


I'm smart enough...


And by golly, people like me.



I'm good enough...


I'm smart enough...


And by golly, people like me."


But no matter what, God's totally in love with me.  He always has been and always will be.  He made me, on purpose, for His purpose.  And when He looks at me, and sees me looking at myself in a mirror, despising my own reflection, He sees something I am unable to see.


He sees beauty.  He sees His workmanship.  He does not see perfection, yet He sees a reflection of Himself.


I want to see that, too.


Not a reflection of beauty the way the world defines it, but beautiful the way a 60 year old American Red Maple tree is still breathtaking even after its leaves have fallen before the winter.  A tree is beautiful, in different ways, in every season...


Sometimes, whether we believe it or not, we just have to tell ourselves we are beautiful, lovely, worth the effort.  I know that if I look in the mirror every morning and silently throw daggers at my own reflection, I'll start believing what I see is unlovely.  I'll start believing lies...


However, if the affirmations of Stewart Smalley at least cause my lips to curl up into a smile and laugh at myself, well, whatever I need to tell myself to lift my heart out of a slump, I'll do it.


What I see in the mirror isn't faith.  It's a reality with which I am struggling to reconcile.  Why can't I love me for just being me?  Why do I have unconditional love for others but not extend it to myself?


What I hope for, and in Whom I place my trust...that is faith.


And to stand in front of the mirror, or before I even place my feet on the floor in the morning, if I say, "Good morning, Lord!  I love You!  I trust You!  Thank You for making me!  I am beautiful and I love myself!" well, I'd say, that's a step in the right direction!


You see, God's Truth NEVER changes.  It's my heart that needs to line up with His reality.  And His reality is:  when He made me, He said it was good...


*What TRUTH do you need to tell yourself in order to break through the wall or barrier that is holding you back from being all you were designed to be?

Freedom in Confessing

So, in the back of my head, a thought has lurked...for over a year now.

I'm not promoting it, plugging it, or getting kick backs, so I just want to lay that out now.  I forgot to post this post last year about it, so here is a link I just found among my "drafts."  This post has a lot of my personal history of hCG...

Anyway, on my "Diet Reviews" page I talk about hCG.  At least for me, maybe other hCGers would disagree, but for me, "hCG" is always a thought in the back of my head whenever I spin out of control or "tip the scale."  And by a "thought that has lurked" over the last year, I literally mean, is has plagued my mind until very recently, numerous times throughout the day.

So, I've been praying about it.  Not praying if I should do it again or not or flaky praying like, "Oh dear Jesus, since I keep thinking about it, it must be a sign from You telling me to do hCG..."  Not that kind of praying.

Praying for God to take those plaguing thoughts AWAY and replace them with loving thoughts toward myself.

I'm not kidding.  In the course of one day, I saw two license plates with HCG as the three final letters.  There's no telling what the Enemy of our hearts will do to monopolize our thoughts from living freely and focusing on things that are more important than thighs that "HIGH-FIVE" every time they cross paths!  I REALIZE THIS!  THERE ARE STARVING PEOPLE AND SLAVE-TRAFFICKED CHILDREN AND WOMEN BEING ABUSED BY THEIR HUSBANDS AND LOTS OF MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN THE WORLD...THAT'S WHY IT'S BEEN FRUSTRATING TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS CONTINUALLY BE AT MY DOORSTEP!

hCG was a great jump start for me, especially to figure out my food sensitivities, but I tell you what.  The structure.  The results.  I mean, I hadn't seen my triceps EVER and who knew the lunges I had done for years on freaking end had really produced muscles in my thighs since there was still a coating of fat covering them?  Who knew?!

So, all that to say, in the last 3 months as I've gone up and down 10 to 15 pounds, hCG has been my mental scapegoat, thinking to myself, "Well, if I can't get my act together, I can always do that...one more time..."

But, BUT, BUTTTTTTTT!  I want to tell you!  The discouragement was only part of the picture and I knew in my heart doing hCG one more time was NOT the answer.

Literally, Jesus was.  Is.  The.  Answer.

No more excuses.  No more abusing my body by bingeing and then wallowing in shame and guilt.  Which, here's an acronym I learned recently to describe the mentality and faulty thinking which lies deep beneath a BINGE:

Believing
I'm
Not
Good
Enough

The morning after Easter I woke up feeling a freedom I'm not so sure I've ever felt.  I had eaten way too much, and consumed several of my allergens on Easter so felt horribly, both physically and emotionally, when I had gone to bed Sunday night.  I had even planned to just head out and buy "one more bottle of hCG" just to snap out of it.  Just to "get your friggin' act together, Adrienne!"

But, Monday morning I woke up free.

Eff.

Arr.

Eee.

Eee.

FREE!

I wasn't hungry.  I wasn't thinking about food.  I crept quietly to the kitchen where I keep my Bible on my desk and opened it to feast for a bit.  I sat quietly with the Lord and thanked Him for the sense of renewal and that my thoughts were literally clear from all things hCG.

And, all week, I have walked in this freedom.  None of my circumstances have changed.  I'm still working upwards of 80 hours a week coordinating my non-profit organization to get it off the ground to host a Midwest retreat in less than two months.  (If you live in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa or anywhere around the Midwest, here's a link. )

Anyway, my point in sharing is this:  God gets all the glory in this.  I have tried, and tried, and tried, and tried my whole life, with my own strength, and my own effort, and failed miserably.  Every.  Single.  Time.

I finally stopped asking God to bless my effort.

I don't have time to selfishly allow food to consume my thoughts.  There is too much to do in the world and I have way too many dreams to allow an addiction to hold me back.

It seems as I am learning to love myself God is showing me more and more how He's loved me this whole time, even when I hated myself the most...


*What are your dreams?  What do you think is holding you back from running with the dreams the Lord literally put into your DNA?!  Are they worth the addiction?!

Pub Crawl

Remember that part about loving myself?  And "dating" myself?  And sitting down for meals where I don't multi-task one other thing?

Yeah, I barely remember either.

In all honesty, I've been trying to be more conscious of the meals I eat, sitting at the table to remember that I even ate a meal, some of the time, at least.

But old habits are hard to break!

I've been on a Pub Crawl for what seems the last month.  I wish I was eating German pretzels when I say "Pub Crawl" but I mean life has been so busy that I've found myself eating at the counter or eating Ryan's leftovers or just eating crap in general...food I know isn't good for my body.  I don't even drink beer because it reminds me of some dumb choices in 9th grade and an all night affair I had with my friend's porcelain commode...So, by "Pub Crawl" I simply mean, who has time to sit down and eat lately?!  And, pub food is usually gross, so I guess I'm suggesting that, as well.

I don't do well without consistent routine.  And that's been gone for the last two weeks of my life.

The reason is good:  Em's had two weeks of Spring Break because her school is great!  However, it always seems to take me off guard as I'm coasting along in a routine and then, WHAMO!  What?  Oh yeah, you have a two week break.  Sweet!  We get to hang out! 

And, so I don't ignore her and just plop her down in front of cartoons for two weeks, I chuck everything else to the curb.  Yes.  For those therapists out there reading, clearly I'm the co-dependent.

But I will confess this as a mom:  I AM NOT A CRAFTER MOM.

Yes.  I know how to sew.  Yes.  I have my own jewelry making business.  Yes.  There are paints and canvas's and even ancient card making supplies from the early '90s deep down in my basement.  However, I'm a Mom, not an El. Ed. Major so that's just one of the reasons I wasn't stellar at homeschooling.

For those of you who rock at craftiness AND early childhood education, I think you are fabulous!  Can my kids come over and color at your house?

I'm the mom who would rather go to the Zoo or Museum or Park or on a Road Trip or have Friends Over  or read a great book on the couch together snuggled up all day, than get out paper and glue and scissors and markers and pretend I know what to do with them...

Em goes back to school tomorrow.  I'm going to miss her.  She is growing up really, really fast.  But I'm not going to lie.  I need Em to go back to school.  And let's be honest, she's ready, too!

All I know is, in my head I'm learning more how to love myself...now I just need to move that pertinent information from my head into my heart "inbox."

*On a practical note:  I feel like I need a "reset" after these last 2 wks.  I'm going to juice this week and just eat greens and some lean proteins.  And I'm going to write it down.  This is one thing I haven't done in ages and I think it will help me get my head on so I can keep moving forward to freedom from food addiction.

Book by the Cover

We've all heard it before, "Never judge a book by its cover."  But let's be honest, we do.

I'm not going to lie, sometimes I pick up a bottle of wine because I like the font or pretty picture or artistic expression or even the country represented on the label.  Clearly I'm not a professional sommelier.  I don't always do this, mind you :)

And what about first impressions?  What about those, huh?


Do you size people up from your first encounter with them?


We all have.  We think, "I don't have anything in common with that person..."  And truth is, we don't, because we never discovered that we actually do have 17 things in common.  17 is a lot, but we never even got to 1 because we gave them the up and down look and assumed either we were better than them or they better than us.

I wear my black workout pants at least 6 out of 7 days a week.  I'll be honest, I put on my black leisure suit, I mean work out clothes, to motivate myself to hopefully get a workout in that day.  I don't wear them all day long, you know, because I do shower once in a while, but, if you happen to run into me on consecutive days, at random times, it's quite possible you'll see me in my black Adidas "mom" outfit and think: A, I only have one outfit in my life, B I'm super athletic and have the vitals of an Olympic athlete, C I never wash my clothes, D I'm smelly and unclean, E I'm sponsored by Adidas, F I'm color blind, G I'm CatWoman.

Any of those assumptions could very well be true, save maybe the color-blind part, clearly.

But seriously, aren't you tired?  Aren't you tired of being judged by your cover?  Aren't you exhausted?

I mean, we ALL have PUBLIC personas...that is, we clean up to some degree (even if it's a black on black workout leisure suit) when we take a step out our front doors.  I for sure brush my teeth and fill in my very faint eyebrows.  Sometimes I even put on mascara.

But when we compare our PRIVATE personas with other peoples' PUBLIC personas, we're pretty much toast.  I mean, seriously.  Before the truth was ever revealed that photos were "retouched" in magazines, I literally thought models were born perfect.  Jerks.




Now I know that if I had a make up artist, hair stylist, camera man and photo "retoucher", I'd be the hottest girl on my block, too.  Heck, the video above shows you that we could all do the SI Swimsuit Issue.  Crop, crop, crop.

What is my point?  Have you ever wished people knew you for who you really are inside?  Do you long to be known for your heart and not for what you do?  Are you tired of comparing yourself to every one else who totally rocks, believing the lie that you don't totally rock, as well?

Well guess what?!  You were designed with extraordinary in mind!  And you aren't the only one!  God made each and every one of us in His image.  This may be difficult for some to believe as we look around at the PUBLIC personas and COVERS that some portray.  Especially the crunchy, crusty, creepy, cranky ones.  Or the ones that come across without a flaw.

We all need work.  We all have reasons for the way we live, react, treat others.  They are not excuses.  There is no excuse for the behavior I am currently reading about in "Half the Sky" by Kristof and WuDunn.  If you think there are excuses for treating others poorly because we've experienced pain or disappointment, then I could treat everyone like crap because I lost my baby.  I'm sorry, that doesn't hold weight.  It absolutely broke my heart, but it doesn't give me an excuse to give up on life, especially because I'm still here, for whatever reason God sees fit, or to be a cranky, crusty woman with a short fuse.

Again, what is my point?  Well, when I was writing up a "bio" for myself for my non-profit organization, here's what I came up with:

• Optimistic, maybe to a fault, Adrienne took to heart the words of her Kindergarten teacher, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” and “Do to others what you would want them to do to you.”  Some say everything we ever needed to know we learned in Kindergarten.  Who knows?  But these two principles, when it comes to women, are the underlying force behind Adrienne’s desire to build bridges between women as we celebrate the uniqueness with which we were created.  A hopeful peacemaker and team player, Adrienne believes as we each begin to walk with confidence in the gifts and strengths we were given, comparison will no longer be the goal but instead women coming together, working alongside one another, living a story meant to be told, and radically changing the world in which we all live.

Not sure it's the one I'll use, but it's my heart.  A middle-child peacemaker who truly believes we can all just get along.  

As we head into this weekend, the most powerful of weekends that's ever taken place in the Universe, I am grateful that Jesus did what He did so when I get caught up in the lies of daily living, I can look to Him and hope for an eternal picture that is much bigger and tells a much more profound story than the one I often find myself in.  

Our lives may not seem extraordinary in the day to day, but if we open the pages of our stories, the books that we each represent, we'll find God writing something quite magnificent in each of us, for His glory.

However, this truth remains:  it's the loss of the other person who just sizes you up by your Cover.