Testing, testing...

So, not too long ago I would have freaked out if the scale read a pound or two more than the previous day.

I'm not exaggerating. For reals.

And by "freaked out" I mean, I would have obsessed, thought I was a failure, given up for that particular day, and thought, "Oh well, I'm destined to suck at losing weight!" And thought it was darned near the end of the world...except we all know that already came and went :)

Previously I said on here that I wouldn't recommend weighing on a scale each day. I would like to retract that statement...I said it when I was mad at the scale. I have a better relationship with it now.

It's my scientific friend.

Let me give you an idea of what the scale has shown me in the last week:

• Monday: 148.6 (Had just come off a weekend of eating whatever the heck I wanted...I guess I'll need to define what that means at some point because my "whatever the heck I wanted" is different from the next guys...)
• Tuesday: 147.4 (Monday I made some simple changes, got rid of the processed carbs but ate lots of veggies, some fruit, chicken and steak...)
• Wednesday: 144.4 (On Tuesday I had lots of veggies, meat and fruit, some red wine with dinner and then a cupcake for dessert...I was at a going away party, what can I say? But, either way, I still lost a boatload of lbs. from the previous day.)
• Thursday: 144.2 (On Wednesday I had a second gluten-free chocolate cupcake with butter cream frosting b/c if it's around, I want to eat them, and, I had paid good money for those cupcakes, so wasn't going to allow "no-carbs" to get in my way. Why lie, right?)
• Friday: 145.2 (So, Thursday I had eaten Greek yogurt. I ate it in lieu of taking my normal daily pro-biotic supplements. I wanted to see what getting my pro-biotics through dairy would do to me because I have a dairy allergy. Well, apparently it encourages my body to retain fluids, aka toxins in my fat. I also had a yummy pina colada that my hubby made me...I'm pretty sure that was a culprit, as well, but after the week we've had, you would have had one, too!)

Now, could it have been that the 2 cupcakes caught up with me? After the first one I ate, I had lost 3 pounds from the previous day. So, I don't think it was that. Honestly, I've approached this last week as an experimental one so I could see what foods were culprits, journaling my food intake, how I've felt in the mornings...basically testing food and its effect on me.

Now, obviously, if I'm trying to cut out high-glycemic carbohydrates and sugars for a time, eating two cupcakes and having a pina colada won't help. But, they showed me that my body is sensitive to sugars, that is for sure.

Here were my constants each day, these things never changed:

• 3 servings of lean proteins (eggs, chicken, fish, beef - I have low iron so need the beef)
  
• 4-5 servings of veggies
• 1-2 servings of fruit, ie; apples or strawberries
• Organic lemon detox tea w/lemon each morning
• Organic green tea
  
• RAW Green powder drink each day
• Apple Cider Vinegar and Flax Oil
• Supplements: my multi-vitamin w/pro-biotics and omega fish oil
  
• At least ten 8oz glasses of water throughout the day

So there you go. I am not freaked that I gained a pound because it's more intriguing to know what foods bother me. Today, Friday, I have eaten just like listed above, minus any sweets. I did have the remainder of the Greek yogurt with Stevia and cinnamon in it. Usually I eat coconut yogurt, but it doesn't have ANY protein in it, which is part of the point of consuming pro-biotic yogurt. My friend, however, just told me about a good trick to change that: add a scoop of protein powder (I buy "Garden of Life" RAW protein b/c it doesn't contain any of my allergens...you can buy something yummier like whey, pea, or egg protein) to the coconut yogurt and, voila, I have yogurt that contains both pro-biotics and protein! I will try that soon.

It will be interesting to see what the scale says tomorrow.

Even after the week we have had, I didn't eat emotionally, nor did I obsess about the scale or what foods I was consuming. My goal is still between 135 and 140, but I feel like I've got my head on my shoulders, presently.

And I'm on this journey, one day at a time.

Blank

This is going to be quick because my heated blankie is upstairs waiting for me. And by "heated blankie" I don't mean Jason. I mean an actual blanket, the best Christmas present I have ever received, and it was something I had put away for the season, but, it's been pulled back out since Spring won't spring!

Anyway, I do know this is all trivial in light of what people throughout the Midwest and South are experiencing. I really am praying for them and asking God to show me a practical way to be of assistance from this far away. I have driven through Joplin probably 50 times in my life from AZ to MI and then in college from OK up to SD and MN. I have family and many friends that live in Minneapolis. I have heard stories. I have seen pictures. I have watched the news. I am praying.

I don't feel much about writing on the topic of food today. I have written my food entries and my weight in my food journal. I picked up another book at the library yesterday that I've been on the wait list for now for 2 months. It's called The 17 Day Diet by Dr. Mike Moreno. I had researched it while I was on the wait list and from what I have gathered, it's similar in approach to The Fat Flush Plan. It also incorporates some of what is in The 4-Hour Body...and basically that is, eat lean proteins, lots of veggies, eat or take probiotics, eat low-glycemic fruits before 2pm, good fats like olive oil and omegas, and low amounts of carbs, carbs coming from legumes or veggies.

This is all stuff I know. And it works. And I know that, too. Don't eat white stuff...

This book, as well as the wired guy from The 4-Hour Body book, said that in order to really stick to your plan and get results, you had to journal or document with pictures and writing, and you had to make your journey known. Either with a buddy who would do it along with you, or an online journal, or something. I haven't wanted to tell you that stuff. Not sure if I will, yet, or ever. Just writing has been a baby step for me. But if I could do this with somebody else, it might work better? I don't know. When I have worked out with friends in the past, at some point, we have mutually brought each other down, or cheated and not really been tough on the other. Not sure what I want. Not a lot of people want to go public with their struggles, let alone their weight and measurements...

Anyway, I want to be done with this blog, that I know. Not because it's vulnerable but because it's lame that I have to even "go there" in order to be free from it.

The forgiveness part has been huge for me. My eye surgery has been huge, too, for some reason. One of my biggest driving points is my daughter. She is the age I was when this whole stupid journey began. More than anything, I want her to live a life free of this struggle. I have kept it on the DL as much as possible, from her. I watched people I loved yo-yo diet and it's not what I want to model to my kids at all. We don't even use that word...

I am on a search for balance. I know my body is different from yours and the guy's next door. So, my journey will be different. But the balance part, my view of food and view of myself, those are things that are coming closer to center than being way out in left field. I just don't want to spend a whole lot more time actually caring about my weight when there are far more important things to care about in the world...like real people, with real hearts, that long to tell their stories...

F...f...f...f...f...forgi....forgive...ness

Man!

Jesus said some hard stuff.

Like the one about forgiving 7 x 7o times. At least we can stop forgiving the culprit at offense number 491...it gets me through sometimes...just kidding.

So what does that mean? Let someone keep treating me like crappola? That is not what forgiveness means. It's not what Jesus meant. I think it went more like this:

• In junior high a boy told me I was fat in my bikini. I wasn't. He was just an ego-maniac and I was a 7th grader who had hit puberty. At the time I just thought he was an idiot. Over time he's proven it. After some time I forgave him. And since then, as I can still remember the kid and remember the conversation, I have had to forgive him as the offense creeps up into my heart, even as a 30+ year old.
• My freshman year of high school, a sophomore boy I thought was cute, who flirted with me even, told me I was built like a football center. I wasn't. He was. But, over the years as I've looked in the mirror his words of pure ignorance have come to mind, even though that has never been the reflection at all. I have had to forgive him, even though he has no place in my life as a grown up, because those words, those lies, come to mind even now.
• Someone I was hesitant about anyway recently went off on me cat-fight style. I was shocked. The person is younger than me, so part of me wrote it off as that, but the words the person chose were so targeted, hurtful, direct and calculated that, even after extending forgiveness, the conversation and nasty emails still creep up into the forefront of my mind sometimes, causing me to be offended by that other person...and defensive in my heart and mind. But, as their face flashes through my mind and I encounter their insincere greetings or gestures, I remember what Jesus said and say in my heart, "I forgive that person...I forgive that person...I forgive that person." I may be nearing 490 for that particular person...but maybe that's why Jesus said that number, because He knew no one would really want to keep track...
• There are more, and you could name a few, too, I would venture to guess?
  

The point is, it's not that the person continually offends me, it's that I have allowed those lies and hurtful thoughts to linger...I have held onto them. I have held them close in order to justify the walls I have built around my heart.

Jesus didn't encourage us to, "Say you are sorry 7 x 7o times." But, sometimes that's what we expect...we want the offender to be sorry. Of course that's a good thing to want, but we can't make another person feel badly about treating us like crappola. Not even holding onto unforgiveness can do that...that only makes us feel like crappola...

Instead, Jesus equipped the one whose heart would be hurt with the tool to be free, the tool of forgiveness, letting us know we will likely have to forgive that person on several occasions, perhaps for the same offense, perhaps for the repeated memories, but as we do, we will gradually know real freedom, real life, real living.

For years I have hidden and eaten for comfort...because people have said dumb things. No, because I believed their lies and tried to protect myself. Any excuse, every excuse.

I know now what they spoke were hurtful lies, not truth. And I let myself believe them.

But using food as a comfort because another hurt my feelings just lets them get the best of me...and no one but God can have that anymore!

Yes, it was their fault for opening their big mouths. We need to choose kind words.

Yes, it is up to me to forgive them. I need to choose love.

And, it's also up to me NOT to believe them but to believe what God says about me.

He doesn't think I'm fat in my bikini and He doesn't think I'm built like a football center...

...He thinks a lot more of me than either of those two really lame sentiments. Actually, God thinks the WORLD of me...which He demonstrated for me years ago on a cross...

The Research Geek in me

I'm a research geek.

Ironically I wasn't when it was assigned in school, but in real life, I enjoy it thoroughly and am fascinated by what I find.

I'm mostly talking about the human body: disease, health, nutrition, exercise, natural/organic solutions. You won't find me researching the NASA website, though it's amazing, but on a whim, I ran over there as I was typing that, looked at the pretty pictures of the vast Universe, then got an email from a friend, remembered I need to order some cupcakes for a party next week, headed to their website and just stared for 17 minutes at the delicious menu and pictures...

BUT, I'm back to whatever my train of thought was here...what was it? Oh yeah. Research.

I am not a doctor.

I actually failed chemistry, so that would be why. Anyway, the reason I am telling you this is because *this in no way is an endorsement or prescription for medical help or advice of any kind. I am a wife and mom and researcher for self-help...my self. I am a seeker of pure health and I am not giving you unsolicited advice. I am just sharing my journey and the things I have researched over the last 12 to 15 years in the area of those things I mentioned above.

Pain, lack of sleep/energy, bloating and gut pain, puffy fingers and dark circles under my eyes each morning, short-term memory loss, irritability/crankiness, desired weight loss, among other things are some of the reasons I have sought out the following books/authors/doctors/websites/recipes/programs. Here is just a random sampling in no particular order:

• The Fat Flush Plan (and her cookbook) by Ann Louise Gittleman
• Eat Right for Your Blood Type (and his one for pregnancy/baby) by Dr. Peter J. D'Adamo
• 40-30-30 concept, mid-90's
  
• The G-Free Diet by Elisabeth Hasselbeck
• Power90 and P90X with Tony Horton
• Walking/Swimming/Biking/Lifting/Gym membership
  
• The Weight Loss Cure by Kevin Trudeau
• Change Your Brain, Change Your Body by Daniel G. Amen, M.D.
• Cooking Light magazine
• Nutrition Almanac by Kirschmann and Kirschmann
• Feeding the Whole Family and Feeding the Young Athlete by Cynthia Lair
• The 4-Hour Body by Timothy Ferriss
• Lyme's Disease sites and all related diseases/ailments
  
• The Mayo Clinic website
  
• The CDC website
• Food allergy testing
• Fasting/Cleansing/hCG
  
• My brother-in-law, ND, LAc
• My good friend, DC, FIAMA
• And more I am forgetting...
  

The 4-Hour Body is my most recent find. The guy is so random that I can easily track with him. Here's a quote I personally love from his book, "Fortunately you don't have to be a human guinea pig to benefit from one." He was referring to himself since he's allowed himself to be the subject of many a science experiment to defy theories and long-believed trains of thought, faulty ones, at that.

Anyway, the reason I am sharing all this is because these, among other things, have encouraged me on my journey toward health. I don't believe every single word in every single book. I do not follow one book as if it were the formula to the fountain of youth. That is not my pursuit. Over the years my journey towards being skinny has changed into one of being a healthy person. I now know that entails body, mind and spirit. Sounds cheesy, but it's true.

Part of the problem with me lies with the reality that I think I know too much and I am an idealist.

As my friend says, I need balance. Moderation. 'Tis true. A bit of moderation is good. But, from my idealistic side, a moderate portion of toxic waste isn't something I want to whip up for dinner one night or swing through the drive-thru to consume. I know one margarita is good, 3 might be over the top. I know that a dozen tortilla chips is a fine serving, but 2 baskets before dinner comes is out of control unnecessary. I don't judge you if you think eating monkey brains, red dye #40, artificial/chemical sweeteners or waxy cheap chocolate is okay. We all have our vices. But I'm just trying to figure out when it comes to food, healthy choices, and treats once in a while, what does "moderation" look like for me?

The idealistic side of me then goes, "I can't have any chips...they are the devil...I won't have any: blah, blah, blah, because it's bad for me."

The researcher in me, however, has found that I am unable to breakdown and process or utilize gluten...and, as I've eliminated it, I realize I am not missing anything, really. And I feel better. I also have a heck of a time with dairy. It's okay. I'd rather eat a hunk of goat cheese anyway and I haven't chugged milk since high school. Kinda gross to think about...And, knowing what I do about fake foods that are uber-processed, I just can't get myself to munch on them, even if it is in "moderation."

Where am I going with this? Not really sure, but even if you are walking this journey because I've decided to walk it plainly, publicly, doesn't mean that all the right answers for me will be all the right answers for you.

You have an addiction to food for different reasons than I do.

You look in the mirror and see a different person than I do.

We are different on this journey, but doing it together can bring encouragement along the way, to both of us.

Meanwhile, I'll keep writing. Tomorrow, it's about forgiveness. Yuck!

A blur of a week...

No excuses, life just got too busy, hectic, and crazy and so, I haven't been embracing the blogging world. I've been eating both healthily and like a kid in a candy store. But, I've also been praying, reading, and researching, so, at least in my mind, I am moving forward. I'll share some of that tomorrow...

My nephew got croup last week and was admitted to the ICU at Children's in Denver for the week. He was on a ventilator and had some really rough sessions. My sister and her hubby were champs and tag-teamed the whole week. I was up there some. It's a different facility than where Noah was for his hospital adventure...but the smells are the same, the machines still all make the same sounds, and the nurses still rock! He is out and home and on the road to full healing, but the turkey came down with croup on Mother's Day...not cool, mister!

The week threw me off as far as knowing what day of the week it was. As my nephew was stable, I decided to look into redeeming my Mother's Day present...Lasik eye surgery. I had already done the research and initial appointments and had determined the clinic where I wanted the procedure done, so gave them a call regarding dates and times available.

Me: Do you have any appointments for Lasik in the coming weeks, preferably on a Friday? (Jason works from home on most Fridays...)
Him: Let's see...we have an opening at 10 am on Friday, May 13th, on the 20th at 10, as well, and another on the 27th.
Me, quickly running thru the upcoming weekends in my mind: How about the 13th...I don't have plans that weekend so would be able to rest and recover.
Him: The 13th at 10 am, that sounds great. I have you down.
Me: Blah, blah, blah.
Him: Blah, blah, blah.
Him: So, we'll see you tomorrow morning, then.
Me, shocked that the day I was calling to simply inquire about an appt was Thursday, May 12th, and indeed, I would be seeing clearly in less than 24 hours: Shut up! That's TOMORROW!
Him, not rocked by my "Shut Up!": Yes, that's tomorrow. See you a little before 10.

So, yeah, that was last week. And I can see! It's fascinating! I keep reaching for my glasses on my face and next to my bedside table...but they aren't there! They've been on the kitchen counter ever since last Friday. Apparently I don't need them anymore! Apparently I don't clean my kitchen counter that often...A friend, much more spiritual than I, told me he's waiting for God to miraculously heal his eyes...(he said with a wink). Honestly, as I was lying there, lasers doing their thing, I was thanking God that He created the human brain, designed intelligence, provided synapse responses in some smart people at one point that realized there is a way to heal the eye and I was in the middle of that beautiful miracle!

And as my eyes have been literally opened, I can see more clearly the girl in the mirror. I have seen her through glasses and contacts for years. But over the past couple of weeks, can't really put my finger on it, but I can see the girl in the mirror...and I don't hate her guts. I haven't fallen madly, deeply, head over heels in love with her either, but I think she and I are getting to know each other a little better...at least I am finally giving her a chance.

Making Out

So, it's been a busy week! I think when I'm really busy, active, not around the house in close proximity to the pantry, I don't really think about food as much. Maybe I should get a job out of the house? No. My non-profit and my jewelry business can both be done from home, and the thought of leaving Ryan makes me nauseous, so I can't escape the house, just need to find the balance.

So, the other day, Monday morning, I was 151.2, then the next day I was 150. Yesterday I was 148. Today I am 148.2. All in a week. I've eaten well and not grazed in the kitchen. When I wanted "crunchy" I have chosen apples and almonds and ants on a log. And the ".2" came literally after just having some rice and beans with my dinner last night. I also had a dozen corn chips, thinking, "It's just a few...it shouldn't throw me off..." I guess I'm just that sensitive when it comes to carbs. I'm not concerned about the numbers...just reporting them because it helps me keep my head in the game.

HJ, it's not that I'm not having any carbs. It's that I'm trying to make the right carb choices. The closer any food is to the way God made it, the better it is for our bodies. For instance, our bodies recognize a whole grain better than once it's ground into a fine flour. It was designed to process it and use it to its fullest potential. The more we eat the foods that are processed and refined, the slower our bodies are to know what to do with them, thus storing them...It's not that I think I can't ever have these, it's that I know these things can't be the majority of my food intake.

Anyway, so, the other night while I was praying about this whole journey, something came to mind that I've never related to my eating patterns. When I was somewhere between 2nd grade and the beginning of 3rd grade, I was asked to play a game. It was in a friend's fort in his back yard and the game included me, two neighbor boys who were in either 3rd or 4th grade and another friend. The boys wanted to pretend they were Santa Claus and we had to sit on their laps and tell them what we wanted for Christmas. They told us we had to ask for French kisses. I didn't know what a French kiss was but I was soon to find out. I'm not sure how long this Christmas extravaganza went on that day, but what I do know looking back on it, is that I remember not liking it at the time. I remember thinking it wasn't something I wanted to be doing. I remember feeling like it was something I wouldn't want to tell my parents because I thought I would get in trouble. I knew it was something I wanted to hide.

I know now that my parents wouldn't have punished me.

Now, as an adult, I am mad that Satan is such a freaking pervert! I am ticked that he lies to our hearts and minds to believe that something that is supposed to be beautiful should be hidden.

I love making out with my husband. I didn't love making out with boys in a fort in Mesa, Arizona. That's too grown up for an 8 year old. Heck, it's too grown up for some college kids I've met.

Anyway, I've never really thought of that fort experience as anything other than kids being stupid. I've never related it to anything in my life as far as habits or behaviors go, because I have a healthy and beautiful relationship with my husband. But, as I trace my steps, this all happened around the same time that I began eating secretively. And, looking back at relationships I had with guys in junior high and high school, I can see that I was secretive with my behaviors with them, hiding make out sessions from my parents, not communicating with them about things, looking back, I could have saved my heart from.

I forgive those boys. One of them died while I was in 3rd grade, about a half hour after we walked home from the bus together. If I didn't forgive them then, I have already at some point, I know that for sure. I don't think the make out session with the Santa's was the reason I started eating secretly. It may be one of the key ingredients, but either way, I'm grateful God brought it to my remembrance as I am retracing these steps so I can go there, forgive again if I have to, and walk away from it knowing that I'm not a bad or unworthy girl just because I played in a fort one day in 1980. And my body doesn't have to keep taking that abuse...

New Beginning, take 2, or 3, maybe 4...

Has that ever been the case with you?

Okay, today is a new day. I'm going to start TODAY. Today is THE day, the beginning of all my carefree tomorrows...

And then, by 10 am you've browsed the fridge 12 times and the empty carbs in the pantry have wooed their way into mind, heart, and watering mouth...and then the day is shot and it's a crap shoot and, "Oh well...I messed up...too late for today, maybe I'll try again tomorrow..."

Yeah. You aren't alone. I've been there. I've done that. I'll probably do it again at some point. The reality is, upon discovering or realizing that we've fallen off the wagon, that moment is when we can say, "Okay, NOW I am starting again...it doesn't have to be tomorrow...there's still time in TODAY!"

But, today was a new day. For reals.

As far as eating goes, I know what makes me fat. I know what foods cause me to retain fluids, get puckery, grow bat wings, dimply thighs and a nice thick ring around my waist. I know that sugars and carbs make me puffy, cranky, wrinkly and groggy, and that eating them just makes me want them more.

So, today I boycotted them.

Carbs, YOU SUCK!

No, I'm not going all Atkins or something. But what I am doing is eating 2-3 lean proteins, 3-5 veggies, a little quinoa or brown rice here and there and 2 low glycemic index fruits each day for the next month. I'm also doing a combo of P90X and INSANITY and walking. If I can't lose my excess weight by eating healthy like that and exercising, then I guess I'm just meant to be coated in this extra layer of fat that I hate. No, but really, if for some reason I can't get on top of this by June 1st then I'm going back to something I know works, and I'll share that part of the journey soon, but this isn't a place where I'm promo-ing diets...so, just fyi. Just sharing the journey.


So, yeah. I gained 6.5 lbs last week. Yep. I ate a crap load of Easter candy. Candy has nothing to do with Jesus. Just sayin'.

So, if I'm gonna be totally straight up and honest on this blog that I hate, then I guess I have to reveal all my guts and start sharing the raw stuff. Believe me, I've got some. Like how I went from 144 to 151 in a week because I wanted sugar and I didn't care. Speaking of not caring, I totally blew off my food journal when I was doing this because writing:

• Emily's Easter candy

in your food journal just isn't cool at all. I also had blown off weighing in every day. Probably should not have done that since the scale didn't just creep, it leaped!

So, like a good/bad mommy, today I made Emily choose 10 of her favorite candy treats from her left over Easter basket and throw the rest away. She had already eaten plenty and doesn't need more, so really, I didn't feel badly and she really didn't seem to care.

And, for some reason, her candy didn't tempt me today. Maybe it was because I had already decided last night that May is a new month and that my body is my temple and I have to stop abusing it by letting it consume crap that doesn't give it life...

...or maybe the reality that the pool is opening in a month and I don't want to keep giving Emily excuses as to why her daddy is taking her to the pool and why I don't want to go...I want to sit at the pool this summer and laugh and play with my kids...and not care!!!!