"On Becoming Fearless..."

I'm reading, "On Becoming Fearless," by Arianna Huffington.

She rocks.

The book rocks.

And pretty much she starts the book off with a chapter on loving yourself and your body.  No mincing, so beating around the bush.  Here's a quote:  "The most intimate relationship we'll ever have is with our own body.  It's the headquarters of our fears and anxieties.  It's also the cause of many of them.  Which is why we can never really be fearless until we stop judging our looks and accept them."

So, here's my personal apology to myself and to every other woman on earth I've ever compared myself to:

• I'm sorry I've been a hypocrite.  Sorry I've told you to stop comparing yourself while I've done it all along. 
• I apologize for saying I love you, while not loving myself, while quietly comparing myself to you, wishing I was more like you, therefore coveting your awesomeness.
• You are you on purpose.
• I am me on purpose.
• Self, I'm sorry I haven't ever been your biggest fan.  You really are great, and unique in many ways, so it's high time to start celebrating your individuality by embracing and celebrating the uniqueness in others.  
• I'm sorry I've looked at you in the mirror a zillion times and not complimented you.  Complimenting you isn't vanity.  It's embracing your uniqueness. 
• I realize that in comparing myself to you, even though I've thought it was an attempt at wishing I was more like you, I've discounted your gifts and strengths, and not genuinely delighted in them, but been jealous of them/you.  I really am sorry.
• I've enjoyed these last couple weeks with you.  You're pretty when you smile and laugh and aren't obsessing about that frigging scale and are literally just enjoying the moments with those around you...basically, you are pretty when you aren't obsessed with yourself...which is what your self-loathing has been disguised as...

And that's just chapter one...

Truth!

Hey, here's a picture/quote I found that pretty much sums up my post from yesterday!

Some may not appreciate the language, but why candy coat the truth, huh?

From The Sweaty Betties

Nuff said.

Have a great weekend!

Extremist!

I'm an extremist.  It's pretty plain and simple.

At least I am aware of it.

I am aware of my extreme tendencies, as well as my extreme lack of ability to live somewhere in between extreme and un-extreme.

Clearly I've got problems.

Before Mother's Day when I drafted my personal fitness and clean eating manifesto, the extreme idealistic "me" was in her glory!

"Woohoo!  YES!  This is IT!  You are the queen of the world...well, your world, and YOU CAN DO THIS!  This is RIGHT!  This is GOOD!  YOU will feel SO GREAT!  So, SO GREAT!  Eat CLEAN!  Avoid your ALLERGENS!  Stay away from the DEVIL aka, carbs and sugars!  Go DRY until September 1st when you've got a hold on all this!  DON'T EAT ONE evil carb until after September 1st!  And then, eat clean 6 days a week, and enjoy one or two cheat meals..."

I should have plastered this on my walls.  Tattooed it to the insides of my eyelids.  Written it in Sharpie or lipstick on every mirror in my house.  These sentiments clearly should not have only been written down once in a notebook that was tucked neatly into a cupboard.

For my 3 1/2 month "plan," I did not "write in" ONE SINGLE cheat meal, snack, day, or item...

...as a result, the one vodka drink I had at my friend's 40th, coupled with a fabulous meal where I steered clear of every carb and didn't even blink at the cupcakes, took my brain to a place where I actually felt like a failure after an entire month of doing a fantastic job.

Message in the mirror:  You blew it!  You suck!  You suck at eating clean...you always do!

This occurred 3 weeks ago...and my brain feels stuck in a place of believing I really have blown it!

Then, remember, I divorced my scale.  I haven't gone back, but I NEED TO!  THIS HAS BEEN A VERY, VERY difficult lifestyle change!  I know, from grabbing, I have gained weight, not from not weighing in, clearly from eating the wrong foods, but not tracking it has messed with me...Even though my head got caught up with the numbers, I'm not so sure this was a wise decision...but I'm too afraid to step on it now!

And then June 21st happened...and I haven't even been able to write about it yet.  My heart aches for my friends' hearts.  But I comforted myself with, ummmm, lots and lots of pancakes.  Let's just say, I ate to offer comfort to my friend, though she never even knew...because how does my eating a dozen pancakes offer comfort to her empty arms???  No, really...

But the point is, why am I such an extremist?  And why am I such an extremist with myself, against myself, with stuff that qualifies as #firstworldproblems!?!? #$%^&*

Seriously!  With all the EXTREME energy I put into kicking my own teeth in, I could be putting it into something so much more world changing...or even my own small-world changing.

And so, once again, here I am telling myself to take one day at a time...to keep eating clean, but not kill myself for one day or one meal or one Doley Stoli at a friend's birthday celebration, but to live, to celebrate, and to mourn when these seasons are upon us...

*On a practical note:  I've just received a supplement for my brain called Crave Arrest that my naturopath gave me.  He says it will help with my EXTREME food tendencies to help balance the chemical imbalance I've grown used to because of my poor eating habits.  This confirms what I read in "Unchain Your Brain," by Dr. Daniel Amen, so I guess we'll see...I also have a BLANK food journal. I chucked the other one in the trash and am starting from scratch tomorrow morning with the foods I eat in a day, along with proactive steps for triggers and negative thought battles that are sure to rage...

Me, Adrienne, Cavewoman!

(Beat your chest...)

Look at Raquel rock her Jane rags...

Oh.  Wait.  That's Tarzan and Jane.  Whatever...

Anyway, I'm Primal.

And by, "I'm Primal," I mean I have adopted the Primal/Paleo way of living and eating and exercising.

Do you have to believe in Evolution to be Primal or Paleo?

No, in fact, you don't.  Although, I do believe we have evolved or adapted, if you will, over many years of existing here on Earth.  But that really has nothing to do with whether you want to eat this way or not.  But I was never a fish or a monkey...

No, you just have to believe in something opposite of what the horrific traditional American way of eating has brainwashed you to believe.  And you have to want to do something about it...

This is not a fad diet.  It's not all just eating bacon and cheese.  It's a way of life of whole foods, lots of raw fruits and vegetables, lean meats and fish, and nuts and seeds.  It's a lifestyle free from refined, man-made, genetically engineered "food" found in boxes, bags, and cans with dozens and dozens of ingredients on the label.

Over the last month I've essentially eaten this way, minus the fat intake.  So, basically, I have avoided oils and nuts and seeds, but eaten healthy portions of all the rest of it.  Now that the cleanse part is over and I'm introducing fats again, I'm not going to lie.  I've found something that might be my downfall.  I need to get a handle on it, because it's super yummy, but super fatty:  pistachios.  Oh, my!  


Now, mind you, this is a #firstworldproblem.  I'm sure Stella in Kenya doesn't dream about root vegetables and Svetlana in Russia doesn't drool over potatoes.  It's those dang twins who really started Facebook who keep marketing pistachios.  It's working and I'm buying them.  And too many nuts make my thighs a little chubby.

But I can't even begin to tell you how free I feel just eating clean, ignoring the scale, doing CRAP LOADS of squats, push ups, lunges, and curls, and, did I mention, eating clean?  I have a ton of energy.  I literally sprinted, S P R I N T E D, the other day, several times in a row, and had no backlash of pain during the routine or the following day.  I don't sprint.  I've said it before, no one is chasing me, so why run?  But that's the thing, I've had the energy, stamina, and strength to do just that....it's crazy!

I have found a way of living that works for me.  My goal is to eat this way 95% of the time.  Once in a while I may have a sugar laden, gluten free goodie, but to be quite honest, since I've cut sugar out over the last month, it's all just too sweet.  I'll likely go here for a fix if I need one...

If you are looking for a lifestyle change that will radically change your health for the better, I highly recommend going Primal.

That's all.  No monkeys or scientists are getting kick backs for this recommendation.  I'm just feeling good and wanted to share :)  Happy Weekend!

Breaking Up Isn't Hard to Do

You are so inconsistent!

I can't believe I've invested so much time and emotional effort in caring about your opinion of me.

I ask you one simple question and you give me, easily, 5 different answers in a matter of seconds.

And even if you are right, I have other ways of learning what I want to know instead of seeking your thoughts on anything anymore...

You have not been a good friend.  Yes.  You have been there for me for a good 25+ years.  Sure, go ahead and claim you've been a constant in my life.  But a good friend, not by a long shot.

Sure, you've told me the truth at times.

But your truth is so distorted...and I allowed your thoughts about me to control my thoughts about me.

No more.

We are finished.

I know the truth about myself, but more importantly, I know the opinion of the One who made me, and He's crazy in love with every fiber of my being.

I see my own reflection.  I know my new found strength.  Those are real muscles, with actual definition, and I feel good about me.  I feel healthy.  I weigh approximately 639, not pounds but muscles...and with all the strength inside of me, I'm breaking up with you.

You are no longer important to me or invited into my life to define me.

I'm kicking you to the curb.

See you later, Scale!  Adios.  Goodbye!  Ciao!  Sayounara!  Hasta la bye bye!  You are no longer my boss.