The Psych Cycle

So, back to the Prochaska Cycle or whatever it was called. 

I burnt my tongue on a hot chocolate chip last Saturday morning.  When I make pancakes, modifying this recipe from Lexie's Kitchen (I add more baking soda for more fluff and use 1/2 honey, 1/2 agave), I have to add chocolate chips for Em and then chocolate chips, sunflower seeds and shredded coconut for Jason.  I then fancify the remainder of the batter with blueberries and lemon extract, but I feel like I already told you all this?!  Anyway, one of the chips from Jason's pancake stuck to the pan so I went in for it, raising it quickly to my mouth, forgetting, one that I wasn't eating chocolate, and two, that sugar burns flesh when it's hot.  Lesson learned:  only eat chocolate chips out of the freezer...or not at all...so probably the first option.

But really the point is, I wasn't eating chocolate. 

Let me back up a bit. 

Last Friday night Jason and I had a little party with some friends.  We called it, "Everybody's 40 Give or Take a Few Years." 

Yes.  You may use the title for your own 40th-ish birthday celebration.

Anyway, I started making recipes for the party on Tuesday.  This was a big mistake.  Big.  Because what can you make ahead that won't spoil all week?  Honey glazed walnuts with rosemary and cayenne pepper, sprinkled with sea salt.  Walnuts are good for you, but in moderation, clearly, and without the butter and honey.  Let's just say, I ate a lot of them.

And then, the thing that put me over the top was a recipe I found on the back of an All-Purpose Flour Mix box by Gluten Free Pantry for Chocolate Chocolate Chip Zucchini Bread.  I modified it for high-altitude baking, added dark cocoa powder, substituted flax "eggs" for eggs, and shortened the bake time because I made them into cupcakes instead of a loaf.  And then I topped them with vanilla butter cream frosting that my dear friend Kim taught me how to make.  SO GOOD AND SO EASY AND SO NOT LOW CARB!

Ummmm.  Let's just say these sent me to the moon and back.  Oh.  My.  Word.  Even my friend who has always made fun of me for healthy eating and who hates squash of any kind enjoyed these little bad boys.

There is a reason I don't bake regularly.  It's the devil.  But I was baking for our party so thankfully others would eventually show up to help me consume the goodness...but not soon enough.

I mean, why do you think I didn't feel like posting my weight last Friday?  Walnuts and chocolate.  14freaking3.

And, I'm allergic to dairy, right?!

We had yummy wine on the menu so this meant I had a cheese platter.  This usually would have been a non-issue, like, "I just don't eat dairy..." but I bought good cheese.  And I made Martha Stewart fancy cheese balls.  And it was all yummy.

So, about that cycle of addiction, namely breaking the cycle and then getting caught up into it again.  Well, I guess we're always in it, spiraling upwards as we go through it time and again, learning as we do.  Anyway, over the last couple months I've been between "Maintenance" and "Preparation."  I'm ready for the "Action" part of my heart to kick in and get back into the groove of things.  My motivation and discipline suck right now.  It's like, "Screw it...I've gained 10 lbs this month.   I know how to lose it..."   

I just haven't cared, or loved myself, to make the right choices and keep the weight off.  And, I made a lot of those poor choices for the wrong reasons and the wrong people.

This is about me being healthy.  Being good to myself.  Trusting that God cares about this just as much as I do.  Breaking the cycle so my kids don't have to jump on the gerbil wheel.  This isn't about anyone else.  As selfish as it sounds, it literally just about me.

I think the partying is all behind me for a while so I can get into a routine again.  At least I don't have anything planned and if anyone invites me somewhere I'll just say no.  I have to, for me.

You see, I wasn't eating chocolate.  I was eating clean 6 days a week and then one day I would loosen up a bit.  But chocolate hadn't been on my "loosen up" list in a while.

Sometimes saying no to others is difficult because we don't want to hurt their feelings or offend them.  But I'm kind of over that.  I've put myself 2nd to others' feelings and "needs" more often than not and this is what has gotten me into this situation.

So, there you go.  If you are easily offended and ask me to do something to which I say "no."  It's not about you.  It's about me.  And it's about time that it's about me.