Fast Break

"Fast Break" is a term I remember from High School basketball.  I haven't played in a while but it seemed to imply speed and a total change of scenery.  If memory serves me right, when one of us would get a rebound at the opponent's basket, our job was to immediately turn around with the ball in hand and look up court for a team member to throw it to, then run like heck down to post position and set up under our own basket to either box out another girl or get in position to receive the ball once again for a lay up or other quick shot.

Hey, that was kind of fun to remember basketball...I should go play.  Any locals up for some hoops? 


Anyway, this post isn't about basketball.  Or anything athletic, either.

It's about a victory of sorts, in a weird and skewed way.

In the past when I have been "eating clean" or "fasting" or even on a diet (I don't do this anymore, but that word is common enough for comprehension), if I stumble or cheat or get de-railed, it usually lingers for days, if not weeks.  It's not just a moment of, "Oh, I'll just eat these chips and salsa and get back on the train," rather it's, "You suck!  You ate chips and salsa and can't do anything right...might as well eat 6 cookies while you are at it and whateverelseyoufeellikeeating..."  And then I feel so crummy the next morning that I just eat crap for breakfast, lunch, and dinner the next day...and the next...and the next...until something gets me back on track.  The days adding up continue to discourage my outlook and in-look, and it's more of a downward spiral instead of just an isolated event of eating the chips and salsa or whatever the culprit and then being done with it.

Messed up, huh?

So, anyway, on January 3rd I started fasting and detoxing and not only did my face show it, but I felt good and had a lot of energy.  In December I had started a weight lifting program, like for actual muscle-building, so I knew I would need some lean protein sources and, personally, could not do just veggies.  However, my mind works like a machine when things are CLEARLY mapped out and even written down.

This wasn't my case as I slowly added in fish here and there, but not in any consistent way, then chicken and when I didn't have that I would grab a handful of nuts (more about that here) and elk and bison and then soy yogurt and protein powder until things just weren't clearly mapped out anymore and it was a looser operation than when I had begun.

So, anyway, whatever.

Last Friday night Jason and I went out to start planning our 20th wedding anniversary trip and I ate salmon, grilled veggies, and 1/2 cup of black beans.  I did not eat one single corn chip.  I ate slowly and felt really proud of myself, to be honest.  The next morning we finally took down Christmas.  You are jealous because you took yours down the day after and have been freezing this month with nothing pretty to look at.  It was 60 degrees outside and I didn't leave the house at all. Ryan's found his nostrils in the last two weeks and discovered how perfectly his fingers fit in each hole.  Why couldn't nostril holes be more akin to ear canals where fingers DON'T fit?  Anyway, he's been speaking whine as a form of communication recently, as well.  His stint of poopying and peepeeing in the potty like a big boy was apparently just a 2 week phase that is now over, as well.  And, I hadn't been out of the house for almost 5 days at that point...

...which leads me to packing in a lot of "good" things over the weekend, but maybe too much?  I felt like I could just enjoy a glass of wine on Saturday with dinner, but my internal stress was building from being a hermit and only having toddler interaction, apparently, and I had a second...and then, I wasn't even craving it, but had 4 bites of some sort of chocolately, creamy, eggy, pie dessert...and then I went for a shot of Bailey's and a shot of Kahlua in full fat coconut milk.

It tasted good though my face wasn't a fan...

Not sure which day...like the swollen eye?  Too much salt on those nuts???   Clearly.

I'm getting bored looking at my mug.

And welcome to Sunday morning...the crazy hair is a result of night sweats.  I get them when I'm not a clean eater.  Just another fancy symptom you thought was just "normal"?  Not so...I only have night sweats when I eat poorly.

This is where the "Fast Break" comes into play.  I broke my fast, if you could have even called it that by then.  Basically at that point I was only avoiding grains, dairy, eggs, and sugar.  And, unlike the term used in basketball, the break wasn't super fast, if you will.

But, this is the victory part, kinda, sorta...

So I broke my "fast."  On Saturday I ate culprits and foods that were not so great for me.  But I was groggy the next morning and it did trigger some inflammatory responses in my body...notsogood.  On Sunday, I didn't eat those anymore.  And I didn't tell myself how much I sucked.

Getting back on the train, or in basketball lingo, grabbing the rebound, turning to find a teammate, and heading in the other direction to reach my own goal, that is a "Fast Break."  I feel like even though I drank and ate out of stress on Saturday, breaking my fast, the fact that I utilized tools from Celebrate Recovery and "Made to Crave" and "Stop Eating Your Heart Out" has given me training and practice to know what to do when I'm at the opponent's basket, but now the ball is in my hands or "court."

Back in High School, on the court, if I had grabbed the rebound at the opponent's basket and just stood there, pissed at myself and my team that we were EVEN spending time under their basket AT ALL, moping, griping, chewing out my teammates and being mad at myself they had even had the opportunity to take a shot, let's just say my butt would have been on the bench the rest of the game AND the next day in practice our coach would have had us doing lunges cross court, 5 minute wall sits, and running suicides until we were barfing up our lunches.

Same with life.  I actually like lunges now and do an occasional wall sit, but I'm not a fan of barfing and running suicides are for high school basketball players, not me.  However, I'm grateful for this personal victory of sorts of running a "Fast Break" from my fast break, not allowing myself to get hung up on the temporary turn-over.

*How about you?  What are some tools you use to break free from temporary set-backs?

Fat On Purpose

I think as far as my first-thing-in-the-morning face goes, it's safe to say that my face prefers less or no-carbs.  But, just to keep up with the photo journey, here are pics from last Saturday through today...

Day 10 - scientifically it would be good if I knew what led up to this particular day b/c my face is the brightest it's been yet.  And I love that crazy gray hair shooting straight up at my part...awesome.

Day 11 - Super slacker, broke my own rule of not sleeping with make-up on.  Too tired the night before to even care.  Note to self:  this is how my grandma's eyelashes got short and sparse in latter years...don't wear make-up to bed...

Day 12 - not too fancy.  The night before I ate a huge portion of salmon.  I've been doing a lifting program and am trying to figure out protein sources to stay on this "veggie-fast."  However,  I have to experiment what my best sources of protein will be. 

Day 13 - blah, blah, blah.  Had to head downstairs so I didn't wake up Jason with my mug-shot.  The black shirt vs. the white one in these pics, I think, is making a difference in what shows up on my face.  I am feeling clean, though, so that's what matters...

Day 14 - This is the aftermath of trying to gain weight.   Salt-free nuts are likely a better option for my face.  No nuts are better for my waist-line and mental well-being.

So, as far as my title states, I've been doing something the last week that is against everything I've ever practiced.  I've been trying to gain a couple of pounds of insulation.  I've never done this on purpose and I think it messed with my mind yesterday.  You see, I have the markers, though my doctor and I both won't "accept" the diagnosis, of Sjogren's Syndrome, an auto-immune disorder.  From the research I've done over the past several years since having Noah, I know that auto-immune diseases aren't mutually exclusive and symptoms may vary and overlap.  I haven't been tested for many of them, but I do know that how we eat and take care of our bodies can radically determine how extensive they may become.  Anyway, one major symptom I have is dryness...mouth, sinuses, skin, eyes.  That coupled with how cold I am, like constantly, and it makes for a long winter.

So, yesterday I decided to eat some nuts, good fats, to not only add warmth for winter, but for a little lubrication.

And that's where it went downhill fast.  You see, I can't just eat a handful of nuts.  Who the hell can eat just 6 almonds?  Which is usually why I avoid them.  Nope.  I eat a cup of nuts.  And yesterday, against any judgment whatsoever, I ate salted pistachios until my eyes started to feel puffy and my tongue was raw from all the salt.

So, I start new.  Fresh.  I don't beat the crap out of myself.  I learn from my choices and experience the consequences, and I question why I chose that many nuts over walking away, meditating on God's word, changing my surroundings, or whatever.

Anyway, there's not a whole lot to report other than I'm off the nuts again.  One day I may be able to eat just 6, but until that day, I'd better stick to roasting my veggies in a little olive or coconut oil.

Days 8 and 9

So, instead of having to look at my mug every day, I thought I'd couple up on days.  Plus yesterday I didn't have a second to sit down at the computer.  And I think that was part of why I woke up looking like I did this morning...

Not the computer part, but the turbo-speed.  I was in go, go, go mode from the crack of dawn, and even after a great time sitting with my Favorite Guy, aka The Creator of the Universe, I just put it into overdrive all day and pressed on, without INTENTIONAL living.  Sure, I got a ton accomplished, but yesterday was a blur.  And my eating, it wasn't INTENTIONAL at all.  It was thrown in here and there during the day, and I didn't sit down until dinner when I was already at the end of my rope.

...and to a dinner that was a FLOP.  I made a coconut curry butternut squash soup that would have been better called a bisque or broth.  And it needed salt.  So I added it.  And I was mad the soup sucked, that is until I added salt, so I ate 2.5 bowls.  Because that makes sense, obviously.

To be completely candid and honest, for me it's easier to fast on just water than it is to think about which vegetables and whole foods are legit and which ones are on my "avoid" list for a time.  Food journaling is easy:  water, detox tea, cran-water, fish oil, probiotics, soluble fiber, more water.

Clearly I can't just drink water only for the rest of my life, though.

I thought about it yesterday, and am not trying to make His experience seem as though it wasn't life-altering and, quite frankly, world-changing, but Jesus wasn't a spouse or full-time mom when He fasted.  He was a single guy out in the desert and didn't have the distractions of day to day life because He was able to be INTENTIONAL about heading out of Dodge and just focusing on His time with His Father, be filled.

I'm trying to figure out how to do that while still living life at the same time.  I can't chuck my husband and kids for 40-days or 20-days or even a week to go sit at a cabin by myself with an endless supply of water.

INTENTIONAL living, my word for the year, means even when it gets hectic and both kids whine and I have to run an unexpected errand and my baby boy is sick and it's the week leading up to year six of saying goodbye to a tender sweet boy who I wish was in kindergarten, my eyes are INTENT on looking to God for strength, not coasting on my own,  INTENT on shutting out the noise while listening to His quiet leading, INTENT on stopping to breathe in and be filled by the One Who provides for me.

Maybe it was the animal protein I had post-workout b/c I felt shaky, or the handful of raisins I ate while giving Ry a snack?  Maybe it was the 2.5 bowls of salty soup, or the fact that I am out of my Natural Magic soluble fiber that cleans out the toxins I'm ridding each day (thankful more is on its way...)?  Or maybe it was the whining kids?  Or the 6 pieces of chemical-laden gum I chewed to keep my mouth from being dry (*another post on my auto-immune situation), and frankly, just occupied.

But this year, you would think I would have seen it in past years, I am seeing that perhaps my body has intuition about January 12th, 2007, and if I'm not INTENTIONAL about slowing down and allowing my heart to process the anniversary and reality of losing Noah on these particular days, I'll give into the stress.

I don't want to live like that...

So, there's no real point to this post, other than it's clear to see that my face took the brunt of whatever yesterday was all about.  And, I got a junior high sized zit on my chin and a teeny-tiny cold sore on my lip...more signs of both stress and detox.  Other than my face, I feel strong, and will try to figure out a good-for-me protein source as I continue to do my lifting program and this Daniel fast of veggies.

Here's something interesting, though, that I discovered.  On Wednesday morning I had a serving of kiwi and strawberries with a half cup of orange juice.  I don't drink juice just because the sugars go quickly into the bloodstream and spike my blood-sugar levels, but I had some anyway.

Yesterday when I woke up I had a "pooch" on my belly and my face was slightly more swollen.  Years ago a doctor told my dad the reason he had extra abdominal padding was because of his inability to process sugars as quickly as he consumed them.  I know fruit is good for us, but, eating clean and then just adding a bit of fruit, FOR ME, showed me I am sensitive and need, even fruit, in light moderation.

Day 8 - I didn't want to wake up Jason so I moved downstairs for this pic.  After fruit from the morning before I was a bit more sluggish this day and had a belly "pooch" which had not been there the prior day. 

Day 9 - And this, dear friends, was me this morning.  From the lighting behind me, you can see I slept in.  From the wrinkles on my forehead, you can see I slept hard (weird dreams, ALL NIGHT LONG), and from my puffiness, you can see my salt intake yesterday and stress of go, go, going was out of balance.

Here's to a new day.

Questions:  Have you discovered what triggers affect you or cause you to eat without INTENTION?  Have you discovered which foods cause puffiness or bloating or other responses in your body?  Do you have any tips to share about how to incorporate time with God and fasting into a continued busy lifestyle? 

Extremist!

I'm an extremist.  It's pretty plain and simple.

At least I am aware of it.

I am aware of my extreme tendencies, as well as my extreme lack of ability to live somewhere in between extreme and un-extreme.

Clearly I've got problems.

Before Mother's Day when I drafted my personal fitness and clean eating manifesto, the extreme idealistic "me" was in her glory!

"Woohoo!  YES!  This is IT!  You are the queen of the world...well, your world, and YOU CAN DO THIS!  This is RIGHT!  This is GOOD!  YOU will feel SO GREAT!  So, SO GREAT!  Eat CLEAN!  Avoid your ALLERGENS!  Stay away from the DEVIL aka, carbs and sugars!  Go DRY until September 1st when you've got a hold on all this!  DON'T EAT ONE evil carb until after September 1st!  And then, eat clean 6 days a week, and enjoy one or two cheat meals..."

I should have plastered this on my walls.  Tattooed it to the insides of my eyelids.  Written it in Sharpie or lipstick on every mirror in my house.  These sentiments clearly should not have only been written down once in a notebook that was tucked neatly into a cupboard.

For my 3 1/2 month "plan," I did not "write in" ONE SINGLE cheat meal, snack, day, or item...

...as a result, the one vodka drink I had at my friend's 40th, coupled with a fabulous meal where I steered clear of every carb and didn't even blink at the cupcakes, took my brain to a place where I actually felt like a failure after an entire month of doing a fantastic job.

Message in the mirror:  You blew it!  You suck!  You suck at eating clean...you always do!

This occurred 3 weeks ago...and my brain feels stuck in a place of believing I really have blown it!

Then, remember, I divorced my scale.  I haven't gone back, but I NEED TO!  THIS HAS BEEN A VERY, VERY difficult lifestyle change!  I know, from grabbing, I have gained weight, not from not weighing in, clearly from eating the wrong foods, but not tracking it has messed with me...Even though my head got caught up with the numbers, I'm not so sure this was a wise decision...but I'm too afraid to step on it now!

And then June 21st happened...and I haven't even been able to write about it yet.  My heart aches for my friends' hearts.  But I comforted myself with, ummmm, lots and lots of pancakes.  Let's just say, I ate to offer comfort to my friend, though she never even knew...because how does my eating a dozen pancakes offer comfort to her empty arms???  No, really...

But the point is, why am I such an extremist?  And why am I such an extremist with myself, against myself, with stuff that qualifies as #firstworldproblems!?!? #$%^&*

Seriously!  With all the EXTREME energy I put into kicking my own teeth in, I could be putting it into something so much more world changing...or even my own small-world changing.

And so, once again, here I am telling myself to take one day at a time...to keep eating clean, but not kill myself for one day or one meal or one Doley Stoli at a friend's birthday celebration, but to live, to celebrate, and to mourn when these seasons are upon us...

*On a practical note:  I've just received a supplement for my brain called Crave Arrest that my naturopath gave me.  He says it will help with my EXTREME food tendencies to help balance the chemical imbalance I've grown used to because of my poor eating habits.  This confirms what I read in "Unchain Your Brain," by Dr. Daniel Amen, so I guess we'll see...I also have a BLANK food journal. I chucked the other one in the trash and am starting from scratch tomorrow morning with the foods I eat in a day, along with proactive steps for triggers and negative thought battles that are sure to rage...

Pub Crawl

Remember that part about loving myself?  And "dating" myself?  And sitting down for meals where I don't multi-task one other thing?

Yeah, I barely remember either.

In all honesty, I've been trying to be more conscious of the meals I eat, sitting at the table to remember that I even ate a meal, some of the time, at least.

But old habits are hard to break!

I've been on a Pub Crawl for what seems the last month.  I wish I was eating German pretzels when I say "Pub Crawl" but I mean life has been so busy that I've found myself eating at the counter or eating Ryan's leftovers or just eating crap in general...food I know isn't good for my body.  I don't even drink beer because it reminds me of some dumb choices in 9th grade and an all night affair I had with my friend's porcelain commode...So, by "Pub Crawl" I simply mean, who has time to sit down and eat lately?!  And, pub food is usually gross, so I guess I'm suggesting that, as well.

I don't do well without consistent routine.  And that's been gone for the last two weeks of my life.

The reason is good:  Em's had two weeks of Spring Break because her school is great!  However, it always seems to take me off guard as I'm coasting along in a routine and then, WHAMO!  What?  Oh yeah, you have a two week break.  Sweet!  We get to hang out! 

And, so I don't ignore her and just plop her down in front of cartoons for two weeks, I chuck everything else to the curb.  Yes.  For those therapists out there reading, clearly I'm the co-dependent.

But I will confess this as a mom:  I AM NOT A CRAFTER MOM.

Yes.  I know how to sew.  Yes.  I have my own jewelry making business.  Yes.  There are paints and canvas's and even ancient card making supplies from the early '90s deep down in my basement.  However, I'm a Mom, not an El. Ed. Major so that's just one of the reasons I wasn't stellar at homeschooling.

For those of you who rock at craftiness AND early childhood education, I think you are fabulous!  Can my kids come over and color at your house?

I'm the mom who would rather go to the Zoo or Museum or Park or on a Road Trip or have Friends Over  or read a great book on the couch together snuggled up all day, than get out paper and glue and scissors and markers and pretend I know what to do with them...

Em goes back to school tomorrow.  I'm going to miss her.  She is growing up really, really fast.  But I'm not going to lie.  I need Em to go back to school.  And let's be honest, she's ready, too!

All I know is, in my head I'm learning more how to love myself...now I just need to move that pertinent information from my head into my heart "inbox."

*On a practical note:  I feel like I need a "reset" after these last 2 wks.  I'm going to juice this week and just eat greens and some lean proteins.  And I'm going to write it down.  This is one thing I haven't done in ages and I think it will help me get my head on so I can keep moving forward to freedom from food addiction.

Clean Cheating

My Naturopathic Doctor was making fun of me the other day. 

I guess it's all relative, but she was like, "Adrienne, bad eating to you would be clean eating for someone else.  There's got to be another reason for the weight gain other than what you are eating...I think it's stress related, but we'll need to investigate."

That could be true, but, this journey, my journey, is about this girl and her pursuit of health and life-giving choices.  So, yes, I suppose when I "splurge" on 5 brownies made of raw figs/dates/walnuts/cocoa/agave it's healthier than choosing 1/2 a box of Little Debbie's or something.  Or eating all but one bite of a Persian Key Lime Tartlet by Hail Merry might be better for my body than wolfing a piece of Key Lime pie by a certain female chef who has recently been diagnosed with diabetes for eating her own recipes...but not really.  Because sugar is sugar is sugar...and just because that tartlet doesn't have my key allergens in it doesn't mean it's necessarily a "better splurge"...anyway...

Maybe I do choose healthy binge food, but the key word there is binge.  No matter if my choice yesterday was 2 cups of popcorn, 3 Tbsp chocolate chips, 2 large "ants on a log", a dozen corn chips with salsa, and that tartlet, it's the why that gets me thinking...

I have noticed a pattern when I eat clean for 6 days and then have a couple of "whatever I want" meals on the 7th day, I feel great in general.

However, if I try to push it through more than those 6 days, like say a week and a half or two, then I have a "crazy day" and eat, or at least think about eating, outside the box, that is, my box.  I have also noticed that a "crazy day" is often the unforeseen prelude to that time of the month.  Case in point, apparently.

The part that makes me cranky, though, is I feel I've let a few friends down.  Several friends have given up sugar and white stuff for Lent and I've been encouraging them on their journeys.  They may or may not go back to eating from whence they came once Easter arrives, but for me, it's a lifestyle, not a 6 week change of course, so I'll still eat the same way.  Yeah, I had a rough go over the holidays and my birthday, but my goal and lifestyle are clean eating 90 - 95% of the time.  Not for legalism sake but because I know my body loves me when I love my body through healthful choices. 

Anyway, I feel better now and know what my trigger was.  I did give in, but this isn't legalism, this is love and I'm back to my 3 meals a day for a while because eating that way gives me plenty of energy.  And 6 days on, one day off...that helps keep my mind straight.  Glad Lent is set up that way anyhow.

It's all just one day at a time.  I'm just grateful for God's grace and strength in the journey...

A Simpler Way

I'm a purger. 

Not in regard to food.  I never could make myself throw up.  I'm not talking about that kind of purging. 

I'm a binge-er when it comes to food.  You already know this...

But I'm a purger of stuff. 

I have a lot of stuff and when I feel overwhelmed it's easy for me to do away with it because it's just stuff and since having a son pass away, I'm not attached to things, so chucking stuff kind of rocks...because, like I said, it's stuff.

We definitely place value on stuff, but we can't take stuff with us to Heaven.  Even though we can enjoy it here on Earth and it can often serve a purpose, too much stuff can be a trigger for overwhelm.  At least for me. 

So, as the research geek that I am, I usually have stacks of books here and there either on my desk or next to my bed on a few topics.  And all of the research is good and fascinating.  But I've read a boat load of books about health, nutrition, natural foods and healing, allergens, auto-immune diseases, juicing, cleansing, etc, etc.

And it occurred to me yesterday as I looked at the 5 books I had just grabbed from the library that there really isn't enough time in a day or week or even month to, ironically, digest everything in those books...and for the most part, I've read them or something similar already at some point over the last 20ish years.

So I know what they're going to say:

"Eat as closely to the way God made food in the first place."

 It's basic.  It's simple.  It's truth. 

What does that mean?  Instead of apple pie choose apple sauce, but instead of apple sauce, choose an apple.

If we were to eat food the way God made it, mostly raw fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds, some fish and lean meats, we'd be really, really, really healthy people.

And when I do eat that way, I feel fantastic.

So, I took every book back to the library.  I purged my book shelf of all the random books there collecting dust that "I'll read one day...", I deleted ALL the food blogs I had bookmarked on my computer, and that's just the beginning.

You see, I think that when we learn we have a food sensitivity or allergy or are needing to scale back because the scale is telling us something, we tend to fight it.  At least I did.  I used to.  I would search the Internet then for recipes of what I could eat.  What are alternatives to chocolate chip cookies or brownies or cakes or other pastries that are: gluten free, egg free, dairy free, low or no refined sugar, low carb, yada, yada, blah, blah.

And the truth is:  When I eat clean, whole foods, I crave clean whole foods.  And, when I eat high fat, sugary recipes I crave those things.

Symbolically purging all those books and blogs out of my life and literally looking up Scriptures that have to do with:  Filling, Satisfaction, Food, Health, Nourishment, Jesus being Living Water...well, let's just say it helps me to get back to simpler things, like allowing God to fill me instead of a pan of carbs.

This simplifying or purging isn't just happening in my way of eating.  I'm de-cluttering my life this Lenten season. 

I need to be free to be me.  And that freedom will continue to come as I get back to a more simple way of living.

An All-Time Low

Oh.

My.

Word.

As Em and Ryan and I were driving off into the sunset earlier this afternoon, I pulled Em's visor down so the sun would not be in Ryan's eyes in the back seat.  Unfortunately it didn't help Em.  Having a toddler, centered in the back seat, I like to be able to see him in the rear view mirror so I have it tilted down, with plain view inside the car.  Does that make sense?  As a result, it means I can also look in the rear view mirror to see if I have a booger or whatever, without having to adjust it towards me.

Well, as I was saying, we were driving into the sunset.  

*Don't picture bliss, a warm beach, or the flowing mane on a beautiful horse.  

Picture: a blinding 4 o'clock sun right at eye level, beginning its descent behind the snow covered Rockies, and 3 day-old hair plastered under a hat...with my favorite navigator sunglasses crooked on my nose because they are missing a plastic nose rest...and no make up, unplucked eyebrows, and snow boots without socks.

Let's see, what else?  Oh, the only pair of jeans I have left that currently fit me because I've gained like 10 lbs or something.  And they have intentional rips in the knees, but am also having to wear them because the other favorite pair that did, in fact fit, well, let's just say the butt ripped out of them yesterday.

Are you following along here?

So, as I looked in the rear view mirror to see if the sun was now out of Ryan's eyes (yes, he is forward facing, in the back middle.  Yes, I realize rear facing is a better option.  He's got a 5-pt Britax up to 60 lb seat and I will keep him in it until he's that weight.  I don't really feel like talking about this part right now, though, okay...) I caught a glimpse of my lovely self just as we were about to turn out of the illuminating direct sunlight to head south momentarily.

Me:  OH.  MY.  WORD!  EMILY!?!?!  I HAVE A MUSTACHE!!  IT'S DARK!  DID YOU KNOW THIS?!?!?
Em:  I've known for a while, Mom...I didn't want to tell you.
Me:  SO THAT'S IT?!?!  I TURN 40, GAIN 10 LBS AND GROW A MUSTACHE...AND A DARK ONE AT THAT?!?!?!
Em:  Yeah, I just didn't know how to break it to you.  It's been there a while...
Me:  OH.  MY.  GOSH.  I MEAN, I KNOW I'VE HAD A MUSTACHE BEFORE BUT IT WAS ALWAYS BLOND, LIKE SUMMER BLOND...
Em:  So what are you going to do about it?
Me:  WELL, I USED TO USE A CREAM TO REMOVE IT BUT IT BURNED MY SKIN.  I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE TO START SHAVING OR SOMETHING...

So there you have it.

I mean, a lot of you reading may even have a mustache, but when you throw in 3 day old hair, a zit I forgot to mention, the eyebrows/fat jeans/parsley in the teeth...it just reaches an all-time low.

And this the day after I felt so overwhelmed with my to-do list that I ate a quarter of a tray of brownies and had two shots of tequila, which did NOTHING for me, so either age is causing me to be alcohol intolerant or those 10 extra pounds need a third shot to really start relaxing.

I need to go make dinner...and then head up to borrow Jason's shaving cream and razor.


How pretty do you feel today?!

The Psych Cycle

So, back to the Prochaska Cycle or whatever it was called. 

I burnt my tongue on a hot chocolate chip last Saturday morning.  When I make pancakes, modifying this recipe from Lexie's Kitchen (I add more baking soda for more fluff and use 1/2 honey, 1/2 agave), I have to add chocolate chips for Em and then chocolate chips, sunflower seeds and shredded coconut for Jason.  I then fancify the remainder of the batter with blueberries and lemon extract, but I feel like I already told you all this?!  Anyway, one of the chips from Jason's pancake stuck to the pan so I went in for it, raising it quickly to my mouth, forgetting, one that I wasn't eating chocolate, and two, that sugar burns flesh when it's hot.  Lesson learned:  only eat chocolate chips out of the freezer...or not at all...so probably the first option.

But really the point is, I wasn't eating chocolate. 

Let me back up a bit. 

Last Friday night Jason and I had a little party with some friends.  We called it, "Everybody's 40 Give or Take a Few Years." 

Yes.  You may use the title for your own 40th-ish birthday celebration.

Anyway, I started making recipes for the party on Tuesday.  This was a big mistake.  Big.  Because what can you make ahead that won't spoil all week?  Honey glazed walnuts with rosemary and cayenne pepper, sprinkled with sea salt.  Walnuts are good for you, but in moderation, clearly, and without the butter and honey.  Let's just say, I ate a lot of them.

And then, the thing that put me over the top was a recipe I found on the back of an All-Purpose Flour Mix box by Gluten Free Pantry for Chocolate Chocolate Chip Zucchini Bread.  I modified it for high-altitude baking, added dark cocoa powder, substituted flax "eggs" for eggs, and shortened the bake time because I made them into cupcakes instead of a loaf.  And then I topped them with vanilla butter cream frosting that my dear friend Kim taught me how to make.  SO GOOD AND SO EASY AND SO NOT LOW CARB!

Ummmm.  Let's just say these sent me to the moon and back.  Oh.  My.  Word.  Even my friend who has always made fun of me for healthy eating and who hates squash of any kind enjoyed these little bad boys.

There is a reason I don't bake regularly.  It's the devil.  But I was baking for our party so thankfully others would eventually show up to help me consume the goodness...but not soon enough.

I mean, why do you think I didn't feel like posting my weight last Friday?  Walnuts and chocolate.  14freaking3.

And, I'm allergic to dairy, right?!

We had yummy wine on the menu so this meant I had a cheese platter.  This usually would have been a non-issue, like, "I just don't eat dairy..." but I bought good cheese.  And I made Martha Stewart fancy cheese balls.  And it was all yummy.

So, about that cycle of addiction, namely breaking the cycle and then getting caught up into it again.  Well, I guess we're always in it, spiraling upwards as we go through it time and again, learning as we do.  Anyway, over the last couple months I've been between "Maintenance" and "Preparation."  I'm ready for the "Action" part of my heart to kick in and get back into the groove of things.  My motivation and discipline suck right now.  It's like, "Screw it...I've gained 10 lbs this month.   I know how to lose it..."   

I just haven't cared, or loved myself, to make the right choices and keep the weight off.  And, I made a lot of those poor choices for the wrong reasons and the wrong people.

This is about me being healthy.  Being good to myself.  Trusting that God cares about this just as much as I do.  Breaking the cycle so my kids don't have to jump on the gerbil wheel.  This isn't about anyone else.  As selfish as it sounds, it literally just about me.

I think the partying is all behind me for a while so I can get into a routine again.  At least I don't have anything planned and if anyone invites me somewhere I'll just say no.  I have to, for me.

You see, I wasn't eating chocolate.  I was eating clean 6 days a week and then one day I would loosen up a bit.  But chocolate hadn't been on my "loosen up" list in a while.

Sometimes saying no to others is difficult because we don't want to hurt their feelings or offend them.  But I'm kind of over that.  I've put myself 2nd to others' feelings and "needs" more often than not and this is what has gotten me into this situation.

So, there you go.  If you are easily offended and ask me to do something to which I say "no."  It's not about you.  It's about me.  And it's about time that it's about me.  

Derailment

Have you ever driven slowly by the scene of an accident?  Well, I mean, hopefully you have because we're supposed to slow down for the safety of those helping.  But have you ever slowed down just to look?

Maybe you assess the situation, wonder how on earth that car got way over there or you hope and pray no one was in the back seat of the other car that now has no back seat.  You say a prayer for those involved, and drive on your way...a little slower, maybe a bit more cautious.

Or what about trains?  I heard years ago, what I believe is an urban legend, if you put a penny on a train track it will derail a locomotive.  This is highly doubtful, but I looked it up just to confirm.  Notsomuch.  Just flat pennies and money taken out of circulation is all.  However, the Federal Railroad Administration said that a cow, boulder, a car or other larger items could, indeed, derail a train.  But, regardless of how a train wrecks, the truth is, they are large machines with heavy duty power driving them....when one of those bad boys goes off track, it's not very pretty. 

It takes work to have it up and running again...

When my son was in the hospital the nurses once in a while would say, "We have a train wreck!"     There weren't actual train wrecks happening, but it meant bad news and a busy night ahead for all those working.

Hollywood has tried to create train wreck scenes over the years and if you search you will find some pretty bad ones from way back when where clearly someone borrowed their child's "under the Christmas tree" train set to set the stage.

Yes, or maybe no, I suppose accidents can "just happen."  But I'm not totally convinced.  After going through what we did with Noah, I'm not so sure there is such a thing as "chance."  But that's another post altogether.

No matter what, at least here in America, if there's a crash or accident of some sort, a derailment or train wreck, one thing we know is there will always be an investigation:

• How did it happen?  
• What time did it occur?  
• Who was involved?  
• What were the circumstances?  
• Was weather a factor?  
• Did alcohol play a role?  
• Who is at fault?   
• Can it be prevented in the future? 
• What can we learn from this situation?
• Basically, what happened?!?!

Anyway, I've been thinking for the last few days about things that "derail" me.  I went to group counseling on Tuesday and, of course, it was friggin' awesome.  But I've been asking myself questions, like those above, as it relates to food, health, and loving me.

I do really well in routine.  I like it.  I also like flow.  I enjoy freedom.  Notsomuch a fan of others trying to control me or my life, my opinions or my time. 

The last month and a half have been really inconsistent on my part and so, I decided to: 

Stop.  

Collaborate.  

Listen.  

Figure out where I lost my mojo, if you will.

What derails me and causes me to eat 6 chocolate chip cookies isn't what derails you.  I talked to a friend this morning.  Someone brought amazing tortilla chips to work to share.  That's thoughtful and all, but notsomuch for the one in the office who just. can't. stop.  And, chatting with a girl at the store earlier, just the thought of her ex-husband drives her to snarf down the whole package of sugar cookies.

We have different triggers.  For me, when I am sailing along in my routine and it's working nicely for me and then I physically leave my familiar surroundings for say, vacation or a road trip...DERAIL.  As great as vacations should be, sometimes I don't know how to make good choices in those unfamiliar and unstructured settings, ie: tons of tortilla chips and tequila in Mexico, for instance. 

As I've looked back over the last month+ I realize we've had the holidays, a trip to Mexico, I had a birthday and I started group counseling.  Those would be the big dogs...changes.  I've also had two kids who keep passing the sick baton back and forth.  And this morning I've cleaned up dog barf 7 times.  It's Superfun!

I've made good choices off and on.  And I've made poor, unhealthy choices off and on.  But, one of the best things I have done for my heart and mind is not throw it all out with the bathwater but realize it's a process.  This isn't all or nothing, like I failed and am not a healthy person because I had a fender bender or even derailed.  I know it's one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.  And I know when my body feels good when I've eaten healthily and when I feel like I got hit by a train if I've attended my own personal carb-fests.

But I'm more aware and I think that's part of the battle.  For me, my triggers include:

• lack of schedule
• clutter, either around my house or in my mind
• so much to do I'm not sure where to start, overwhelm
• neediness from others and not sure if I'm the one to fill the need
• hitting snooze and not getting up when my alarm goes off, slippery slope in losing schedule
• looking at too many food blogs for recipes, even if looking for good ones it can be food-porn

What are your triggers?  What things or people or places "derail" you?

Ladies Night Out!

And by "Ladies Night Out!" I mean:  a weekly women's only group therapy session I am attending for a total of eight weeks with a bunch of strangers.

It was really funny, I must say.  My neighbor was literally shocked that I go to counseling.

What is the stigma?  How "jacked up" does one have to be in order to qualify?  Don't we all have baggage or faulty thinking or skeletons in our closets or hurts/wounds that may have scarred over but have healed pretty ugly?

Maybe not?  *shrug*  I don't know.  All I know is, I got problems.   Hello!

But what if people actually went to counseling BEFORE they were totally messed up or unhealthy patterns, thought processes or behaviors set in?  What a friggin' novel idea!  Wish I had thought of that 30+ friggin' years ago. 

Prevention.  Huh.


So last night, at Ladies Night Out, no, it's not called that...anyway, last night was friggin' amazing!

For reals!  Uh.  Maze.  Ing!

I don't even have room here to blog all about it, but maybe I'll share it in a series.  Yeah, that's it.  I'll do that.

Okay, so our counselor gave us this hand-out by Prochaska & DiClemente called the Stages of Change.  Now, you may remember this from your college Psych 101 class.  I, however, though I likely studied it way back when, only did so for a test or paper...and sadly never applied it to my life.  Huh.

You mean this was all preventable?!  Probably notsomuch...

Anyway, did you go look at the hand-out?  I'll wait... *drumming fingers*

Okay, so, if you were to read it from the top of the cycle at "Pre-contemplation" and then follow the arrows clockwise, over the last year as I worked my butt off to be a new, healthy thin person, I went through the cycle up until "Maintenance."  At "Maintenance" I reached my 25 year goal of "losing those last 10 lbs" but not only that, did it in a way that was healthy and changed the way I not only viewed food and nutrition but how I viewed and loved myself.

And I did it for me.  At least I thought I did... And it was good.

But then, I didn't really know what to do.  Talking one on one with my counselor a few weeks back, she said, "It was like you accomplished your goal, so just checked it off your list of to-do's and moved onto the next item."  She was exactly right!  I told her that a year ago when I started this journey toward health and finally losing unwanted fat I wished I would have had a "What now?" or "Maintenance plan" in place.  What a helpful tool this chart would have been last summer/fall.

The positive side of this chart is the "Upward Spiral" in the center.  It says, "Learn from each relapse."  And, looking back on my life, I realize I've traveled this "Transtheoretical Model of the Stages of Change" many a time.  And each time, apparently through the process of relapse, I did learn a bit more about healthy eating, balanced lifestyle, whole foods, the mind game and weight loss, what my allergies and sensitivities are, how my body reacts to certain foods, which ones I should avoid and on which ones my body thrives..."How I'll do it better next time," if you will.

But, not until I was on the cusp of turning 40 friggin' years old (I'm not "friggin'" about the number...just in awe and a little crusty that it took sooooo long to learn this particular piece...) did the "Relapse" send me into a new spiral of learning what I've needed to learn this whole friggin' time.

And that is:

TO FRIGGIN' LOVE MYSELF!

REAL LOVE.

LIKE THE KIND OF LOVE GOD DESIGNED.

TRUE LOVE.

So yeah.  I knew in my heart 2012 was going to be a good year.  I had NO friggin' idea it would be the year I'd finally fall in love with ME!  And I will ABSOLUTELY explain this in another post...because I know I am not the only one out there that has felt friggin' GUILTY or AFRAID of those words that God Almighty of the Whole Wide World Who loves us commands us to do...because it's so much more "righteous" and "spiritual" and "humble" to love our neighbors, but not ourselves.   

Except.  That.  Is.  Not.  What.  HE SAID!

I Ask Myself...

How is it a person you know and love, say, like your husband, just as an example, can encourage you and tell you something repeatedly, like something specific to do, but then when a stranger, say, like a professional counselor, just as an example, tells you the exact same thing, it's profound and motivating and just what your heart's been seeking?

I mean, just as an example, of course...

So, when I've gone to counseling before (with this same lady almost 2 years ago, now...) I have a sense of time, money and urgency driving what I say and what I leave out.  I know we are on the clock and that clock's ticking so I'd better cut through the crap and get to the good stuff...or it's cut through the good stuff and get to the crap?  They both work...

Anyway, after filling out my intake "tattle tale" sheet which has a column on the left of symptoms, behaviors, or problemos and then columns to the right labeled for "Self, Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Mother's Mother, Mother's Father, Father's Mother, Father's Father," I was trying to get a game plan in mind as to what all I should vomit all over share with the counselor.

I started with a brief overview of being a closet eater starting at a young age, family dynamics throughout the years, my more recent triggers, what I do in the face of stress, and how I feel passionate about my non-profit but don't know if I'll ever get to do anything with it...

Before I knew it time was up and she said, "I have an assignment for you."

I anxiously awaited.  Oh boy, an assignment!  This'll be good...I'm going to get a game plan for not eating out of stress...

She said:  When we meet again in two weeks, have your business plan ready to share with me regarding your non-profit.

I said:  Sweet, that sounds awesome!  Totally!  (Or something enthusiastic like this...)

I said:  Wait. One. Minute.  How come my husband can tell me I need to do this for several months but you tell me one time and I'm all motivated to go for it?!

I don't have an assignment for food...but I think she's onto something.  Like encouraging me to dream and focus on something positive, something about which I am passionate and I know God's called me to, rather than continue the cycle of beating the crap out of myself and spiraling down, down, down.

Next appointment, December 29th, 10 a.m.

Not Soon Enough...

Seriously, my counseling appointment tomorrow can't come soon enough.

Ironically, one of my favorite books is "One Minute of Margin," however I do not have one minute of margin to even read the thing to find out how to create more margin.  You see, I leave it in the bathroom where, before I had a toddler, I had more than a minute of margin to sit and unwind and take care of business.  Now, I hold "having to go potty" until I can hold it no longer and then run to the bathroom, get in and out quick, and run back out to monitor any toddler damage.

Today I am overwhelmed and just want chocolate.  This is annoying.  This overwhelm was triggered by a parent/teacher conference last night, but I don't feel like getting into it right now...

I need to cut things out of my life.  I need to cut people out of my life.  I need to scale back.  I need to say "no" and realize that if "no" received by someone else is fatal for them, that's their deal, not mine. 

Random thought here:  Maybe "scaling back" is manifested in my life by getting rid of excess fat through dieting?  Results.  Like how I love to purge closets and drawers in my house...hmmmm?

Anyway, who knows but what I do know is there isn't a clean surface in my kitchen, the dog follows me around all day doing upward/downward dog motions, I can't pee in privacy anymore and next to having a non-profit that is my passion and dream, the ideas and half-finished docs for a book, having a jewelry business that is a creative outlet for my frenzied mind, and being a wife and mom, it seems like I have to cut something out.

Let's see...it can't be wife.  It can't be mom.  I can cut out my jewelry/creative outlet, but then I'll retain stress.  (Retained stress = large consumption of chocolate)  And so, it seems like the very thing I've been designed to do, my passion and dream to encourage women and really get my non-profit rolling is the thing I have to put on the back burner, again, and that makes me sick to my stomach and causes my throat to tighten just thinking about it.  I can't even see the screen right now b/c my eyes are all juicy.

I need to go take a deep breath and throw something, anything, away...

Question:  Have you ever felt like you were made for something but that very thing is the thing you have to keep putting on hold? 

T-t-t-t-t-trigger, of course!

(Isn't that a line in a song or something?!)  Oh yeah, it is, here's the link...hilarious!

ANYWAY, the last week has been pretty good food wise.  I have kept myself very, very, very, very, very, very busy, as I said I would.  I tell you, when busyness is productive and not just busyness for the sake of being busy, well, those big item tickets start getting marked off the "To Do" list and....drum roll....there's not a lot of time for snacking out of boredom.

Some of those big ticket items entailed painting a bathroom and the dining room, changing the chandelier in the said dining room, and hanging crown molding.  I was going to sew curtains but my mom told me to create a little margin in my life, so I took her advice and realized we don't need curtains before Thanksgiving.  Do we ever really need them?  No.  No one needs curtains, unless your shower is glass and faces your neighbor...we need food, water, shelter and some clothes, but that's another post.

So, I'm not going to lie.  I mean, just painting a bathroom doesn't sound stressful or like it could trigger stress eating, but I'm anal.  I hand cut in my edging because I like clean, straight lines.  That in and of itself isn't necessarily stressful, but wrapping my body around the toilet with my head in a precarious position, much like this, it can become stressful.  Painting the dining room wasn't stressful, though I had to stand like this most of the time trying to paint the cove ceiling so as a result my neck had a kink in it which earned me a neck rub, so, the stress didn't stick around too long.

Last week I ate Paleo style, eliminating high glycemic starchy foods, eating tons of salads and meat, raw veggies and pretty much an apple each day.  Besides the fact that my 15 month old cut 6 teeth and didn't sleep amazingly, I felt great, didn't have gas and wasn't hungry between meals.  I got this great book from the library called Everyday Paleo by Sarah Fragoso.  I'm thinking Paleo will be my first choice round of the 4 month eating plan when I start officially.  

ANYWAY, where the stress, or trigger, came in was when Jason started cutting and hanging the crown molding.  THAT is NOT a simple thing, I tell you!  It looks beautiful now, but baby there's some wood putty, let's just say...

The tipping point, or real trigger that drove me to pour a large glass of wine and consume a heavy dose of chocolate was the hanging of the chandelier.  Hoochie mama, was that super fun?!  #$%^&*  Our marriage is happily still in tact but standing on a chair holding a chandelier while your hubby stands on a bar stool twisting wires, your arms shaking because you did the extra long version of Jackie Warner's workout earlier, and the little stinking bolts that are supposed to secure the mighty piece to the ceiling keep falling to the floor...well, like I said, it was a large glass of wine.

For reals, my husband is an engineer and even he said the chandelier, at least how it is secured to the ceiling, was designed poorly.  I hadn't even added the weight of the glass candle covers, and to be honest, all I could imagine was the whole thing falling to the table during Thanksgiving causing senior citizens, and even junior senior citizens, to have heart failure.  Jason added two extra screws, secured in sheet rock anchors, and literally, the stress lifted.  No one will die at the dinner table!  WHEW!

Anyway, house projects can trigger me even though I enjoy doing them.  And, as I asked myself that question last week about being angry, I learned a few more of my triggers.  Now I just have to figure out what I should do when I'm around a trigger or something or someone triggers me. 

I think awareness is half the battle.  Do you have triggers?

Fixation on Vacation

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Proverbs 9:10

"If you find honey, eat just enough - too much of it, and you will vomit." Proverbs 25:16

"Eat honey, my son, for it is good; honey from the comb is sweet to your taste. Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 24:13&14

These are some scriptures I was reading this morning. Filling up on God's word rather than on food, or even thinking of food.

My mom is a really wise woman. She shared with me a revelation she had about Americans, but really any indulgent people, and pleasure. I had recently gotten home from a vacation. I hadn't gone on a real vacation, with just Jason, in over 5 years. And, it was to one of my favorite places on earth...Mexico. It was so relaxing! I got ample sleep, sat in the sun while reading "Cold Tangerines" and defrosting my body. I ate guacamole, fresh fruit and had real Mexican margaritas...and this all not just with Jason but with some of our very best friends. It was a recipe for a great getaway. I am so grateful we had the opportunity!

And then we came home.

And home is good, too. I love all the people that are here at home. But there are responsibilities here. There is work to be done. I am needed here. I can't just be, but that is okay. Really, it is.

The problem is, the memories we walk away with from a vacation are also wrapped around feelings that felt so darn good. My mom shared something like this: The experiences and feelings get so wrapped up into one that we try to re-create those same feelings into our every day life. And not just once in a while as a quick escape from reality, but when stress comes or overload or fatigue, boredom, sadness, whatever the trigger, we try to add the feeling of vacation into every element of our lives...hence, eating when we aren't hungry. Shopping when we don't need anything. Having that extra drink just to get that extra little buzz. Whatever our "go to", when it is in excess, either by quantity, actual time or thinking about it, it becomes an idol.

(I find it interesting that this is exactly what Em and I are reading in her Picture Bible right now, as well as her Reader for school...hmmm...guess God is reinforcing what He is setting me free from!)

Freedom from responsibility, total uninterrupted relaxation, satisfaction from food that was made for me by a chef, the opportunity to be served instead of having to do all the work. Honestly, the list could go on and on.

But God set the example of reality for me at the very beginning: 6 days work, 1 day off to rest. We want, or maybe just I want, no one else out there, the feeling of 6 days rest...6 days of vacation...6 days of at least the feelings of vacation...and if I were to be honest: 7.

So, for me, even though my trip to Mexico was totally great, it was at the end of a really long and draining time line of events in my life. I'm not going to pull the dead kid card here. I'm not trying to make excuses. I am grateful for this blog that I hate because it's giving me a space to retrace some steps and see where I burnt out. It's been culminating for a while. I think I've just felt too needed, and even that shows me I was trying to do too much on my own strength, coasting on refills of the past instead of stopping for myself, not selfishly, but because we all need it, just to get filled up by the One Who does the ultimate filling.

No, I haven't been laying on the floor in the family room with all the lights on under a space heater to recreate the Mexican sun, but I have been eating out of boredom, that is for sure.

At the beginning of this year, I was hungrier than ever to just have simple, uncomplicated, quiet time with God. I expressed that to Him, though He knew my heart anyway, so it's not like it was a big secret. As a result, He has been showing me how He is taking things out of my life to create more room, not to fill up with people, experiences or things, but to fill up with Him.

Just the other night, as I was trying to fall asleep after posting here, God showed me quite a few things on this quest for freedom from food obsession. One was this:

When Noah was in the hospital, and for quite some time afterward, food wasn't even an issue. I actually didn't even eat out of stress while he was sick. And, He showed me it was because I wasn't being self-sufficient but was trusting Him with everything. He also showed me, though, that there doesn't have to be a train wreck or chaos, calamity or heartache in order to lean into Him.

I know too much.

I already know that God wants me to hang out with Him all day long, everyday, not just when stuff is tough. But I'm a strong personality. I am driven. I can do it on my own. I'm self-sufficient. Yep. I can. I mean, obviously...that's why I have this blog that I hate, right?!

What I really need to eat right now is a few slices of humble pie. Actually, just one bite is plenty. I mean, I need the whole pie because I really need some humbling, but with this revelation, I know that one bite will do. I can't do this on my own. All the willpower in the world won't suffice. But God will. He does. I just need to sit and be with Him more.

I have picked it up again. I have allowed food to become an idol once more. I've allowed myself to crowd out my Heavenly Father.

I'm a regular old Israelite of old. I wonder if the golden calf they forged was a big, fat, golden calf?

I am sorry, Lord. I am sorry.

And God has been gracious. He forgives me. He isn't disgusted with me. He loves me. He hasn't changed, He remains.

So I am the one that has to stop and go back to where He can be found...and it's not in the busyness of things that are even good. It's at His feet. It's not with the fridge hanging open or my hand in the bottom of an empty bag or with the American sized portions on every corner.

It's at His feet. In His Word. Pure and simple. I'm re-learning.