12 Steps to Perfection

If it were that easy, we would have all been made perfect as toddlers...on our 12th step.

Except I have a toddler.  He is pretty sure footed now at 2 years old, but even this morning, he fell down a few stairs and bonked his melon, leaving a not-so-pretty hematoma on his forehead.

...glad we did Christmas pictures last weekend...even if there isn't one where we're all looking at the camera at the same time.  At least there's no hematoma, right?!

I went to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting on Monday morning at a local church.  The ladies had already been meeting for a little over a month, so part of me felt like I was intruding.  They had built time and trust together over the previous weeks, and though I'm one to jump in with two feet, they may not be willing to fling their hearts wide open to a stranger.

I guess it is what it is.  Because I'm sticking it out...

Everyone went around, shared their name and their beef.  As my turn approached, my heart was beating out of my chest and I felt nauseous.  Usually if my heart is beating out of my chest it's God's prompting, urging me to share something He has put on my heart.  When it came to me, the leader instead had the two last girls after me share first, since they were regulars.

And then it was my turn.

When I finally shared, there was no beating.  I mean, just the regular 50-60ish that keep me alive, but I guess when I shared:

"Hi!  My name is Adrienne and I've been a closet eater since 2nd grade, having food as an idol instead of my God,"

in yet again, another public setting, it just brought it more to light, exposing my hidden behaviors, lighting the way to continued freedom from the lies of false comfort and self-gratification.

It's so interesting, this journey.

Over the past 30+ years there have been years in a row where I didn't struggle one thought or iota over this whole ordeal.  Then, ironically, in the last 10 years as I've researched and studied healthy foods and why I have digestive issues/allergies/etc, I've thought more about food: what I can or cannot have. And then I guess I've thought of it too much.

But what really busts my chops is the previous 5 years, specifically.  You see, I had a son.  And he died.  And none of this is really about food at all.  It isn't.  It's about my inability to be perfect or preform perfectly here on earth.

It's about my lifelong ingrained sickness of striving.

Kristin Armstrong says in her book, Work in Progress,

"When we try to be and do the things that are outside our true selves, we turn into strivers.  

Strivers are people who endlessly struggle for perfection and end up with far less than good enough..." 

You see, in my head, having lost a child, I should have every. single. bit. of. my. act. together.  Every day.  All day.  All the time.  Act together.

In my head, I think that was ample heartache where I shouldn't ever struggle or stumble, with ANYTHING...like that was the end all, be all lesson of life learned.  And, so, when I fall down the stairs and get a hematoma, I beat myself up and think I'm an idiot because I know how to walk, and shouldn't I have learned?!

Whereas Ryan looked straight to me, his mom and his comforter, cried in my arms, rested his head on my shoulder, shed tears because of his pain, but didn't beat himself up or think himself less because he stumbled.  He simply accepted and received my nurturing and unconditional love.

I need to learn more from my toddler.  I'm taking steps.  There will likely be more than 12 steps toward healing in my future, but they will be forward and in the right direction, pointed toward the One Who is my Father and my Comforter, my Healer...my Source.  And in time, my steps will be more sure-footed, sound, firm, deeply-rooted, established in Him.

And rather than PERFECTION as the goal, I'm going to cast off that striver mentality and give it my all.  My best.  I'm going to give my whole heart to God and hope it is good enough.

"Good enough means being able to accept who and where we are with grace and gratitude and being content with ourselves as works in progress...We know we can't make it on our own or by using our old methods, so we go to the Source." - Kristin Armstrong

I Worship Food

I read The Message.  I have read the NIV for 25 years and just this year, in January, I started reading The Message as my daily bread rather than the other version I know all too well.  Making it my "daily bread" continues to be a process...sometimes I choose food.

I found this in The Message the other morning, "First you eat to live and then you live to eat."  I have found myself on the right side of the previous sentence, and let's just say, it isn't pretty.  And it isn't "right."

I'm not talking about appearances here.  I'm talking about priorities and the 10 Commandments.  I'm talking about that sentence, "First you eat to live and then you live to eat," and how the "and" is the balance for the teeter totter but I've tried to kid myself that even though I "eat clean" or avoid certain foods or know my allergies, that I'm actually "balanced."

No other god besides Me.

The truth is, I have lived to eat for so many years now that it's just become the norm.

And within Christianity, it's totally acceptable.  We should be ashamed.

No other god besides Me.

What started out as research to figure out what foods were causing bloating, gas, weight gain, dry skin, dark circles, constipation, burping, inflammation and arthritic symptoms, basically evolved into an addiction to "Food Porn."  For reals.

Why do I need an alternative to chocolate chip cookies?  Yes I'm allergic to eggs, wheat, and dairy, but to take so much time surfing the Internet to find that one amazing alternative recipe is time-not-well-spent.  Plus, I found the ultimate "alternative" recipe for chocolate chip cookies pretty close to right away, so looking any further has literally been wasted time.  And it's only led to more searching for more "alternatives."

And T.  I.  M.  E.  is my love language.

No other god besides Me.

So, here's a wake up call for me:  all the time I have spent in my life looking for alternative food recipes and worrying about being fat and bingeing on bags of chips and even allergen-friendly foods, all that time and energy, has added up to what?

I'll tell you.  It's added up to a lowercase god who has taken the place of my capital letter God.  The One and Only.  Except He hasn't been...He's been shoved aside as I've welcomed all the little guys.

No other god besides Me.

The time I've been spending in the mornings reading The Message and studying the book of Daniel, via a Beth Moore study, have shown me more than I wanted, but exposed everything in my deepest, darkest spots.

And the results?  Seriously gross stuff.

You see, when we allow all the lights to be turned on and the storage room emptied out, not all that is found and exposed will be helpful and useful.  Some of it, sure, yeah, good stuff, like certain tools and patterns of thinking or behavior that are healthy.  However, have you ever seen the show, "Hoarders?"

Sick and wrong.

Yet, that's what we have inside our lives when we lie to ourselves and believe we can stuff secrets or do it on our own strength or just muster up enough self-discipline, no matter our "vice."

The truth is, God is in love with each of us very, very, very much.  And He desires for a kind of relationship where there are no secrets between us and Him, but where there is total trust on our parts that He really is a loving God, very much interested in our intimate affairs.  He doesn't say, "No other god besides Me," because He is ego-centric.  He knows life's complications and He has all the answers...Imagine if I had always just sought Him instead of looking for instant gratification in food and other indulgences...

An old friend recently posted this song on Facebook and it's been on repeat for a few days now...I cannot get it out of my head or heart.

I know God is calling me on the carpet.

Listen a few times, google the lyrics, sit with it a few more times and ask yourself, "What in my life is an idol?"





Food has been my idol in one way or another for 30-some years.

I lay it down.

Again.

No other god besides Me.

God, I know You satisfy.  I have tasted.  You are Life.  The rest is temporary fulfillment.

So, on a practical note, one, I'm blogging this.  Two, I've told my dearest friends, openly, and, three, on Monday morning I'll be heading to Celebrate Recovery because I've been called to be a woman of God, nothing less.

Nothing less.

All is NOT Vanity!

"All is Vanity" by Allan C. Gilbert

I had a revelation a couple weeks back at group counseling.  It was UH-MAZE-ing!  So, here's a little history...once upon a time my mom was a beauty queen and a model.  She fell in love with my dad, got married and had 3 little girls.  The 3 of us girls used to play in her closet, trying on tiaras, donning "Miss So and So" sashes, prancing around in beautiful gowns, waving and smiling, and flipping through the pages of photos and article clippings, dreaming about what it was like to be a real princess, like our mom. 

The funny thing was our mom had stuffed that memorabilia in bottom drawers and in the back of her closet, not because she was ashamed or embarrassed, I don't think, but because though it had been fun and special to be involved in such circles, it didn't define her.

In my mind, however, it was all I wanted to be.  I wanted to be pretty like my mom.  I wanted to wear beautiful gowns and have my hair done all fancy-like.  I was that little girl who dressed up in her mommy's clothes and pretended to be a grown lady.  I used to sit on her bathroom counter while she did her hair and make-up for a date night out with my dad.  My parents were, and are, beautiful people.  But not only on the outside.

Anyway, in junior high I used to look at Teen Magazine.  Bad idea.  Seriously, parents, it's not necessary, there is NO wisdom in it, and if you don't want your kids doing the nasty at an early age, it's best just to avoid it altogether.  It doesn't feed their souls or minds.  There's better "trash" out there, let's just say.  ANYWAY, hello tangent, I used to Eat. It. Up.  And, if you are near 40ish, like yours truly, you may remember the advertisement from John Casablancas for their "Model Search."

I remember it well.

I wanted to be a model.

I asked my dad if I could be a model.

He said no.  He said I would lose my soul.

I remember being disappointed then.  However, in time, even early on, like in high school, I remember being grateful he had said no.  He knew something I didn't.  (Imagine parents knowing more than their kids...)

I would have indeed lost my soul because I didn't know what real beauty was at the time.  I just knew what I thought was pretty...and in my mind it included the approval of others.

Well, fast forward to my group counseling session a few weeks ago and the part where I have never loved myself.

I KNOW God is totally in love with me.  I KNOW He is totally in love with you and I will tell you and everyone in the whole wide world so until I'm blue in the face.

But the part that says, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself," well, I've never loved myself.  I don't believe I haven't been able to truly love others because I haven't loved myself.  I'm pretty good at loving others.  I love a lot of others.  But I bet I've missed out on the extent to which I CAN love others...anyway...

But somewhere in my young heart and mind, way back when I wanted to be a model, I merged the idea of loving myself with vanity...

...and sooooooo, last Fall when I lost the weight that I knew I could lose and finally was able to look in the mirror and say to myself, "Yes.  That's the girl I always knew was under there..."  and I felt pretty and confident and finally liked the me I could see but then sabotaged my weight loss, I realized it was out of fear.

I feared being vain.

For years I had equated who I WAS with who I SAW in the mirror.  And ironically, I had it backwards...and ironically "WAS" and "SAW" is a palindrome.

What I see in the mirror and who I am on the inside and outside are allowed to match.  Yes, Paul tells women that our beauty should not come from our outward appearance, jewelry, hair, yada, yada, but from the inside, from our hearts.  I get that.  But there is nothing wrong with loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves, wearing pretty things, exercising, losing weight, doing things that benefit our bodies so that we can be confident in who we are in Christ, serving Him to the best of our abilities.

Beauty is not evil.  Wanting to feel pretty isn't a crime.

I realize now that the last year of stopping the excuses, rolling up my sleeves, and losing the extra weight to find physically the girl I've always known was there, was my first step towards really loving myself.

And it wasn't in vain and it wasn't to be vain.

I did it to be healthy.  I didn't do it to sit around and stare at myself or think of myself as all that and a bag of chips.

I did it to be free!  And I'm feeling more and more free to finally love me!

Derailment

Have you ever driven slowly by the scene of an accident?  Well, I mean, hopefully you have because we're supposed to slow down for the safety of those helping.  But have you ever slowed down just to look?

Maybe you assess the situation, wonder how on earth that car got way over there or you hope and pray no one was in the back seat of the other car that now has no back seat.  You say a prayer for those involved, and drive on your way...a little slower, maybe a bit more cautious.

Or what about trains?  I heard years ago, what I believe is an urban legend, if you put a penny on a train track it will derail a locomotive.  This is highly doubtful, but I looked it up just to confirm.  Notsomuch.  Just flat pennies and money taken out of circulation is all.  However, the Federal Railroad Administration said that a cow, boulder, a car or other larger items could, indeed, derail a train.  But, regardless of how a train wrecks, the truth is, they are large machines with heavy duty power driving them....when one of those bad boys goes off track, it's not very pretty. 

It takes work to have it up and running again...

When my son was in the hospital the nurses once in a while would say, "We have a train wreck!"     There weren't actual train wrecks happening, but it meant bad news and a busy night ahead for all those working.

Hollywood has tried to create train wreck scenes over the years and if you search you will find some pretty bad ones from way back when where clearly someone borrowed their child's "under the Christmas tree" train set to set the stage.

Yes, or maybe no, I suppose accidents can "just happen."  But I'm not totally convinced.  After going through what we did with Noah, I'm not so sure there is such a thing as "chance."  But that's another post altogether.

No matter what, at least here in America, if there's a crash or accident of some sort, a derailment or train wreck, one thing we know is there will always be an investigation:

• How did it happen?  
• What time did it occur?  
• Who was involved?  
• What were the circumstances?  
• Was weather a factor?  
• Did alcohol play a role?  
• Who is at fault?   
• Can it be prevented in the future? 
• What can we learn from this situation?
• Basically, what happened?!?!

Anyway, I've been thinking for the last few days about things that "derail" me.  I went to group counseling on Tuesday and, of course, it was friggin' awesome.  But I've been asking myself questions, like those above, as it relates to food, health, and loving me.

I do really well in routine.  I like it.  I also like flow.  I enjoy freedom.  Notsomuch a fan of others trying to control me or my life, my opinions or my time. 

The last month and a half have been really inconsistent on my part and so, I decided to: 

Stop.  

Collaborate.  

Listen.  

Figure out where I lost my mojo, if you will.

What derails me and causes me to eat 6 chocolate chip cookies isn't what derails you.  I talked to a friend this morning.  Someone brought amazing tortilla chips to work to share.  That's thoughtful and all, but notsomuch for the one in the office who just. can't. stop.  And, chatting with a girl at the store earlier, just the thought of her ex-husband drives her to snarf down the whole package of sugar cookies.

We have different triggers.  For me, when I am sailing along in my routine and it's working nicely for me and then I physically leave my familiar surroundings for say, vacation or a road trip...DERAIL.  As great as vacations should be, sometimes I don't know how to make good choices in those unfamiliar and unstructured settings, ie: tons of tortilla chips and tequila in Mexico, for instance. 

As I've looked back over the last month+ I realize we've had the holidays, a trip to Mexico, I had a birthday and I started group counseling.  Those would be the big dogs...changes.  I've also had two kids who keep passing the sick baton back and forth.  And this morning I've cleaned up dog barf 7 times.  It's Superfun!

I've made good choices off and on.  And I've made poor, unhealthy choices off and on.  But, one of the best things I have done for my heart and mind is not throw it all out with the bathwater but realize it's a process.  This isn't all or nothing, like I failed and am not a healthy person because I had a fender bender or even derailed.  I know it's one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.  And I know when my body feels good when I've eaten healthily and when I feel like I got hit by a train if I've attended my own personal carb-fests.

But I'm more aware and I think that's part of the battle.  For me, my triggers include:

• lack of schedule
• clutter, either around my house or in my mind
• so much to do I'm not sure where to start, overwhelm
• neediness from others and not sure if I'm the one to fill the need
• hitting snooze and not getting up when my alarm goes off, slippery slope in losing schedule
• looking at too many food blogs for recipes, even if looking for good ones it can be food-porn

What are your triggers?  What things or people or places "derail" you?

Friday Weigh-In

I'm kind of cranky but it's part of the process, maybe?!  My weigh-in this morning was 139.6 lbs.

I threw out my back after hauling an armoire from the 2nd floor to the basement with my husband.  I was so revved up to work out all week long and then spent the last 4 days stretching instead. 

The other thing that busts my chops is that I've been juicing 2x a day for a week and a half.  WTH?

And, the other thing that busts my chops is that 139.6 lbs, a year ago, would have been cause for celebration.  Now I have one nice soft roll when I sit down and two thighs that give each other a high five when they pass by.  I'm 5 to 7 lbs off my mark and it's crazy how much of a difference it makes

Last Friday I guess I forgot to type in my weight, but I know it was 137.4 lbs. 

One thing we talked about at group counseling the other night was about "Maintenance."  When I got to that circle on the chart I wrote in my notes the first things that came to mind. 

They were:

1. How do I find sustainability?
2. How do I keep it "fresh," say, like a marriage needs to be kept fresh to stay alive?

Then, the picture of math came into my head, which is rare so that means I should listen.  I saw an angle with degree points and straight lines at each degree.  As the lines, all one degree apart, traveled out of the center of the angle you could definitely see space between the lines.

Translation:  As far as "Maintenance" goes, sometimes I have to tweak my behavior just one degree to make a lasting change.  Stop looking at the Big Picture and just make one small change, each day, one day or step at a time because it does make a difference in the long run.

And one of those steps is I'm going to start weighing in again every morning (have only been doing Fridays) and am keeping a food journal.  These two small steps seem to help me focus a little.

Also, I'm starting my marathon walking schedule next week so if I can't cut those pounds off walking 450+ training miles in 5 months, then I guess they're meant to stay.  (But they're not...)

Ladies Night Out!

And by "Ladies Night Out!" I mean:  a weekly women's only group therapy session I am attending for a total of eight weeks with a bunch of strangers.

It was really funny, I must say.  My neighbor was literally shocked that I go to counseling.

What is the stigma?  How "jacked up" does one have to be in order to qualify?  Don't we all have baggage or faulty thinking or skeletons in our closets or hurts/wounds that may have scarred over but have healed pretty ugly?

Maybe not?  *shrug*  I don't know.  All I know is, I got problems.   Hello!

But what if people actually went to counseling BEFORE they were totally messed up or unhealthy patterns, thought processes or behaviors set in?  What a friggin' novel idea!  Wish I had thought of that 30+ friggin' years ago. 

Prevention.  Huh.


So last night, at Ladies Night Out, no, it's not called that...anyway, last night was friggin' amazing!

For reals!  Uh.  Maze.  Ing!

I don't even have room here to blog all about it, but maybe I'll share it in a series.  Yeah, that's it.  I'll do that.

Okay, so our counselor gave us this hand-out by Prochaska & DiClemente called the Stages of Change.  Now, you may remember this from your college Psych 101 class.  I, however, though I likely studied it way back when, only did so for a test or paper...and sadly never applied it to my life.  Huh.

You mean this was all preventable?!  Probably notsomuch...

Anyway, did you go look at the hand-out?  I'll wait... *drumming fingers*

Okay, so, if you were to read it from the top of the cycle at "Pre-contemplation" and then follow the arrows clockwise, over the last year as I worked my butt off to be a new, healthy thin person, I went through the cycle up until "Maintenance."  At "Maintenance" I reached my 25 year goal of "losing those last 10 lbs" but not only that, did it in a way that was healthy and changed the way I not only viewed food and nutrition but how I viewed and loved myself.

And I did it for me.  At least I thought I did... And it was good.

But then, I didn't really know what to do.  Talking one on one with my counselor a few weeks back, she said, "It was like you accomplished your goal, so just checked it off your list of to-do's and moved onto the next item."  She was exactly right!  I told her that a year ago when I started this journey toward health and finally losing unwanted fat I wished I would have had a "What now?" or "Maintenance plan" in place.  What a helpful tool this chart would have been last summer/fall.

The positive side of this chart is the "Upward Spiral" in the center.  It says, "Learn from each relapse."  And, looking back on my life, I realize I've traveled this "Transtheoretical Model of the Stages of Change" many a time.  And each time, apparently through the process of relapse, I did learn a bit more about healthy eating, balanced lifestyle, whole foods, the mind game and weight loss, what my allergies and sensitivities are, how my body reacts to certain foods, which ones I should avoid and on which ones my body thrives..."How I'll do it better next time," if you will.

But, not until I was on the cusp of turning 40 friggin' years old (I'm not "friggin'" about the number...just in awe and a little crusty that it took sooooo long to learn this particular piece...) did the "Relapse" send me into a new spiral of learning what I've needed to learn this whole friggin' time.

And that is:

TO FRIGGIN' LOVE MYSELF!

REAL LOVE.

LIKE THE KIND OF LOVE GOD DESIGNED.

TRUE LOVE.

So yeah.  I knew in my heart 2012 was going to be a good year.  I had NO friggin' idea it would be the year I'd finally fall in love with ME!  And I will ABSOLUTELY explain this in another post...because I know I am not the only one out there that has felt friggin' GUILTY or AFRAID of those words that God Almighty of the Whole Wide World Who loves us commands us to do...because it's so much more "righteous" and "spiritual" and "humble" to love our neighbors, but not ourselves.   

Except.  That.  Is.  Not.  What.  HE SAID!