Short Challenge Info

Here's the deal...this isn't about weight loss.  It's not a diet.  I don't even advocate you hop on a scale or take measurements.

I'm not intending to lose any weight, actually, just so that is clear.

I feel good and want to remain feeling good.  

It's just when I get stressed, historically I will eat...and preparing for trips, even though they are fun and exciting and once in a lifetime opportunities, stress me out.  I don't love packing...

I don't know about you, but I will eat in an attempt to stop the stress but the stress only heightens because the focus of the stressful situation then shifts to wishing I hadn't eaten such and such and so goes the cycle.

Just to clarify, the challenge from last night is how I usually live and eat, when things are smooth and life is coasting along...although life doesn't just coast along and things get wonky and the flow hits a dam or cascading waterfall or tons of rocks that slow or heighten the flow and then I have to decide what I'm going to do...which is what I'm working out in the day to day and through counseling.

...am I going to turn to food or to God?  What or Who will I let FILL me?

My plea is to have a group who will rally so I can stay strong and not freak out and say, "Screw it all, oh well, just pass the carbs and chocolate!" over the next week and a half.  Because this is a #firstworldproblem and God is the Only One Who can deeply, truly, ultimately satisfy us at the core.

And so you know, I am going to enjoy myself in Spain, but for me that doesn't mean I'm going to go hog wild, because I don't want to feel miserable there, either...

Someone I love dearly, when I posted this on Facebook, said this, "You will look AMAZING in a bikini in Spain.  Don't do it!!!!  Who you are is beautiful, that is what makes the biggest impression!"  I want to be clear, because here was my response, "I feel beautiful and already look good in my bathing suit, I just want to stay strong and not stress eat or slack on my day to day normal health routine while preparing, if that makes sense?  Not doing something "new" or even a diet!  I promise!  It's just staying on track.  Thanks for the loving!"

In a new favorite book I am reading by Bob Goff called, "Love Does," he says, "God is the master artist and made an original version of us, a priceless (piece) that cost everything to create.  A version that can't and won't be created again."

My heart for this challenge is to continue to stay strong, to love myself, in the day to day, not with food rewards but in time with The One Who loves me and made me, treating this gift, this original version of me, a body He intricately designed, with grace, taking care of it, filling it with good, life-giving things He made, along with ample rest, and strength.

For some, this may be a radical change, for me, it's remaining faithful, keeping my eyes on Him, not even focusing on what I can and can't eat, but allowing my eyes to be on Him as I balance in the here and now.

CHOSEN

I was recently praying with a friend about my issues with food addiction and self-loathing.  I've known for a while that these were simply symptoms of deeper stuff.  Anyway, as my friend was praying for me, encouraging me to repeat what she was saying/praying, she said, "I nail food addiction to the Cross." 

This was easy for me to say...just check it off the list, yep, I can say that mentality.

"I nail food addiction to the Cross," I said...

Then, after a time of just sitting quietly before the Lord, she said, "I nail PERFECTION to the Cross."

Okay, so, those younger than me won’t know what the heck I’m talking about, but maybe 38 and older, do you remember "Happy Days" with the *Fonz?  Do you remember how he couldn't say "I was wrong"???   He would go, “I was wuu-uh-uh…I was wuu-uh-uh”  Well, it was like a long, drawn out 2 freaking minutes and me bawling on my knees for me to get the word "perfection" out of my mouth.

Sheesh.

Photo source unknown otherwise I would give credit to where credit is due...

Food addiction, self-loathing, discouragement, unrealistic goal-setting, never thinking I'm "good enough": all just symptoms of the underlying disease of PERFECTION.

Part of the prayer then was asking the Lord to specifically tell me what He wanted to give to me as a promise or word to replace "perfection."  Before I could even pray and ask Him, He put the word "chosen" on my heart.   It was so clear and eloquent in my head, it was awesome.   I've always said if a smarter thought comes to my mind than I could think of, it's God talking...and I should listen.

Imagine:  He chose me.  He chose you.   He designed us and hand-picked us, from the Beginning, just because He wanted to.  Not to be perfect.

Nope.  I’m no Mary Poppins.

He chose me simply to call me daughter.  Simply to express His love.  Me, chosen as an expression of His creativity.  You, the same!

I'm not going to lie.  Fighting perfectionism has been a weary battle.  Looking back over the years, the lines blur from when I just wanted to feel pretty to wanting to lose weight to desiring to be healthy to knowing too much about disease to wanting to eat clean.

Some days I feel free, others I'm so lost in the pursuit, I can't see the forest for the trees.

What I do know is God hasn't called me to be perfect.  I know this because I've quit reading books and blogs and websites about "clean eating" and started consuming Food that satisfies my cravings.  I literally sit down to my dining room table at the start of each day and symbolically feast on His Word.  This hasn't halted my first world problem of addiction, but it has put it into perspective and lessened its hold on me.

God is perfect, without flaw, not lacking in anything.  He's good at what He does.  He's good at Who He is.

So far I've sucked at perfection.  In fact, He is able to be seen more clearly in my life when I don't have my act together, or for sure, when I don't pretend to.  Because who am I kidding?  When I'm out of the way, you can actually see Him.

So, yeah, there's my dirty laundry.  My shameless pursuit.  Where the idea that I could be perfect in anything ever came from, well, if I travel back to a certain Garden, a seed may have been planted long ago.  I'm just thankful for this nauseating exposure while I'm still young.

I have the rest of my life to live imperfectly...


*Anyway, for your viewing pleasure and a bit of nostalgia, I present to you, Arthur Fonzarelli, aka, The Fonz...and Ralph Malph.  #happydays

Fat On Purpose

I think as far as my first-thing-in-the-morning face goes, it's safe to say that my face prefers less or no-carbs.  But, just to keep up with the photo journey, here are pics from last Saturday through today...

Day 10 - scientifically it would be good if I knew what led up to this particular day b/c my face is the brightest it's been yet.  And I love that crazy gray hair shooting straight up at my part...awesome.

Day 11 - Super slacker, broke my own rule of not sleeping with make-up on.  Too tired the night before to even care.  Note to self:  this is how my grandma's eyelashes got short and sparse in latter years...don't wear make-up to bed...

Day 12 - not too fancy.  The night before I ate a huge portion of salmon.  I've been doing a lifting program and am trying to figure out protein sources to stay on this "veggie-fast."  However,  I have to experiment what my best sources of protein will be. 

Day 13 - blah, blah, blah.  Had to head downstairs so I didn't wake up Jason with my mug-shot.  The black shirt vs. the white one in these pics, I think, is making a difference in what shows up on my face.  I am feeling clean, though, so that's what matters...

Day 14 - This is the aftermath of trying to gain weight.   Salt-free nuts are likely a better option for my face.  No nuts are better for my waist-line and mental well-being.

So, as far as my title states, I've been doing something the last week that is against everything I've ever practiced.  I've been trying to gain a couple of pounds of insulation.  I've never done this on purpose and I think it messed with my mind yesterday.  You see, I have the markers, though my doctor and I both won't "accept" the diagnosis, of Sjogren's Syndrome, an auto-immune disorder.  From the research I've done over the past several years since having Noah, I know that auto-immune diseases aren't mutually exclusive and symptoms may vary and overlap.  I haven't been tested for many of them, but I do know that how we eat and take care of our bodies can radically determine how extensive they may become.  Anyway, one major symptom I have is dryness...mouth, sinuses, skin, eyes.  That coupled with how cold I am, like constantly, and it makes for a long winter.

So, yesterday I decided to eat some nuts, good fats, to not only add warmth for winter, but for a little lubrication.

And that's where it went downhill fast.  You see, I can't just eat a handful of nuts.  Who the hell can eat just 6 almonds?  Which is usually why I avoid them.  Nope.  I eat a cup of nuts.  And yesterday, against any judgment whatsoever, I ate salted pistachios until my eyes started to feel puffy and my tongue was raw from all the salt.

So, I start new.  Fresh.  I don't beat the crap out of myself.  I learn from my choices and experience the consequences, and I question why I chose that many nuts over walking away, meditating on God's word, changing my surroundings, or whatever.

Anyway, there's not a whole lot to report other than I'm off the nuts again.  One day I may be able to eat just 6, but until that day, I'd better stick to roasting my veggies in a little olive or coconut oil.

12 Steps to Perfection

If it were that easy, we would have all been made perfect as toddlers...on our 12th step.

Except I have a toddler.  He is pretty sure footed now at 2 years old, but even this morning, he fell down a few stairs and bonked his melon, leaving a not-so-pretty hematoma on his forehead.

...glad we did Christmas pictures last weekend...even if there isn't one where we're all looking at the camera at the same time.  At least there's no hematoma, right?!

I went to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting on Monday morning at a local church.  The ladies had already been meeting for a little over a month, so part of me felt like I was intruding.  They had built time and trust together over the previous weeks, and though I'm one to jump in with two feet, they may not be willing to fling their hearts wide open to a stranger.

I guess it is what it is.  Because I'm sticking it out...

Everyone went around, shared their name and their beef.  As my turn approached, my heart was beating out of my chest and I felt nauseous.  Usually if my heart is beating out of my chest it's God's prompting, urging me to share something He has put on my heart.  When it came to me, the leader instead had the two last girls after me share first, since they were regulars.

And then it was my turn.

When I finally shared, there was no beating.  I mean, just the regular 50-60ish that keep me alive, but I guess when I shared:

"Hi!  My name is Adrienne and I've been a closet eater since 2nd grade, having food as an idol instead of my God,"

in yet again, another public setting, it just brought it more to light, exposing my hidden behaviors, lighting the way to continued freedom from the lies of false comfort and self-gratification.

It's so interesting, this journey.

Over the past 30+ years there have been years in a row where I didn't struggle one thought or iota over this whole ordeal.  Then, ironically, in the last 10 years as I've researched and studied healthy foods and why I have digestive issues/allergies/etc, I've thought more about food: what I can or cannot have. And then I guess I've thought of it too much.

But what really busts my chops is the previous 5 years, specifically.  You see, I had a son.  And he died.  And none of this is really about food at all.  It isn't.  It's about my inability to be perfect or preform perfectly here on earth.

It's about my lifelong ingrained sickness of striving.

Kristin Armstrong says in her book, Work in Progress,

"When we try to be and do the things that are outside our true selves, we turn into strivers.  

Strivers are people who endlessly struggle for perfection and end up with far less than good enough..." 

You see, in my head, having lost a child, I should have every. single. bit. of. my. act. together.  Every day.  All day.  All the time.  Act together.

In my head, I think that was ample heartache where I shouldn't ever struggle or stumble, with ANYTHING...like that was the end all, be all lesson of life learned.  And, so, when I fall down the stairs and get a hematoma, I beat myself up and think I'm an idiot because I know how to walk, and shouldn't I have learned?!

Whereas Ryan looked straight to me, his mom and his comforter, cried in my arms, rested his head on my shoulder, shed tears because of his pain, but didn't beat himself up or think himself less because he stumbled.  He simply accepted and received my nurturing and unconditional love.

I need to learn more from my toddler.  I'm taking steps.  There will likely be more than 12 steps toward healing in my future, but they will be forward and in the right direction, pointed toward the One Who is my Father and my Comforter, my Healer...my Source.  And in time, my steps will be more sure-footed, sound, firm, deeply-rooted, established in Him.

And rather than PERFECTION as the goal, I'm going to cast off that striver mentality and give it my all.  My best.  I'm going to give my whole heart to God and hope it is good enough.

"Good enough means being able to accept who and where we are with grace and gratitude and being content with ourselves as works in progress...We know we can't make it on our own or by using our old methods, so we go to the Source." - Kristin Armstrong

Accountability

I know I haven't been here in a while.

I haven't felt like writing, one because I'm sick of the same old story.  Two because, for the most part, I'm doing well.  Three, because I don't feel like I'm really encouraging anyone else when I write here, so I'm kind of like, "What's the point?" if my journey through crap and healing doesn't help anyone but me, I'm not sure the point in having this blog.

There are plenty of recipe blogs out there, and that's not the point of this place, anyway.  And, being married to a guy who helps women and children in Third World Countries makes me nauseous that I even have ever struggled with putting food first, before God, and others.

There are some scriptures about fasting in the Bible.  One of the important elements of fasting is not doing it so others look on and "ooh and ahhh" over your outward spirituality.  As a result, I hesitated from writing a couple months ago about a fast that I did because I didn't want to draw attention to it.  However, I have to say, the benefits for my heart and mind were so encouraging, that I wanted to share a snippet with you here.

So, my struggle has NEVER been that I don't eat ENOUGH food, but too much, or really, just mindlessly...seeking something, whether comfort, instant gratification, consoling, in food, rather than in God alone.  The lines of food for comfort and food for sustenance have crossed and become a blur.  I was never good at fasting, if that's something you can actually be "good" at?  There was only one other time in my life I've fasted, one, for pure reasons, and two, where God literally provided all the energy I sought.  That was when Noah was in the hospital.

Anyway, in early August I did a week long fast of water and green juice, along with my daily supplements of a multi-vitamin, probiotics, and fish-oils.  I didn't want the week to end.  I wasn't hungry at all and each time I sat at the dining room table to read God's word, write, and pray, it was like a 5-course meal (gluten-free/dairy-free/egg-free, of course!)  Just kidding!

By Jean Fortunet (Own work) [CC-BY-1.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/1.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

And then the week ended, I had a good week or two, and then life started to creep in, slowly, here and there, lies, busyness, doubt, obsessive thoughts, and choice by choice, my mouth became a garbage can...not in the cool way, like, a cussing machine, have you, but just a place where I'd put food without thinking about it.

Thankfully I've been talking daily with God about this and have slowed down, laid it at His feet, and sought His face for the "Why?" of why I brat-ishly continue to put Him second to something as TEMPORARILY filling as food!!!!  And, on a practical side, I've literally SLOWED down my eating, smaller bites, sitting, actually thinking about what I'm doing rather than eating between running here and there or doing this or that.

All this to say, I'm doing a study on Daniel right now and I'm only on chapter 2.  Talk about knocking my socks off!  Good stuff!  And, of course, the first chapter talks about how Danny and his friends set themselves apart for God's purposes, spiritually, and also practically or physically, by NOT eating the king's food.  And, OF COURSE, they were found to be more physically fit and spiritually in tune.  You don't say...you mean cutting out the clutter and excess is actually beneficial?!  Duh (duh, to me...)

A wise saying I once heard and have quoted and quoted and quoted, is:

"Without accountability there is no motivation for change."

I'm sick of quoting it.  I want to live it.

I'm posting HERE for the rest of the story...

I'm So Weak that I am STRONG!

Wow!  Has it been over a month since I've been here?

Funny how during that time I've had great days and days where I still wrestle and battle with food, health, loving myself, choices.  And all the while I've tried to do so much on my own strength.  And for what?  So I could say, "Look at me!  I have amazing self-discipline!  I am a ROCK!  I am so strong!"

The truth is, every. single. time. I try to do ANYTHING on my own strength, I fail.  And epically, I must say.

When will I learn? 

Perfection is the Enemy.

Grace is the Gift.

When will I learn that doing life in my own strength then becomes a life about me?

And the only time "A Life All About Me" is acceptable is when a person hasn't received God's gracious love and forgiveness through what Christ did for us on the cross.

Yes, I said it.  Selfishness is expected from anyone who does not follow Christ.

However, selflessness or dying to self, is counter cultural, exactly what is meant to come with a life surrendered and laid down to God's bigger picture.  So, selfishness as a Christ-follower is unacceptable.

I'm grateful that each time I fall short and have lost sight, God is gracious.  And, He receives my heart again and again and again.

^{2 Corinthians 12:7-10} Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.

My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

When God made us in His image, we were perfect.

Since the Fall of man, we lost that luxury.  However, Satan's lies and relentless pursuit of us here on earth has been to deceive us that our goal is to be perfect in all things, or in anything.

Like Paul says above to the Corinthians, "Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size - (self) abuse, (colossal binge eating) accidents, (failure) opposition, bad breaks.  I just let Christ take over!  And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become!" (emphasis mine)

Fixation on Vacation

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Proverbs 9:10

"If you find honey, eat just enough - too much of it, and you will vomit." Proverbs 25:16

"Eat honey, my son, for it is good; honey from the comb is sweet to your taste. Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 24:13&14

These are some scriptures I was reading this morning. Filling up on God's word rather than on food, or even thinking of food.

My mom is a really wise woman. She shared with me a revelation she had about Americans, but really any indulgent people, and pleasure. I had recently gotten home from a vacation. I hadn't gone on a real vacation, with just Jason, in over 5 years. And, it was to one of my favorite places on earth...Mexico. It was so relaxing! I got ample sleep, sat in the sun while reading "Cold Tangerines" and defrosting my body. I ate guacamole, fresh fruit and had real Mexican margaritas...and this all not just with Jason but with some of our very best friends. It was a recipe for a great getaway. I am so grateful we had the opportunity!

And then we came home.

And home is good, too. I love all the people that are here at home. But there are responsibilities here. There is work to be done. I am needed here. I can't just be, but that is okay. Really, it is.

The problem is, the memories we walk away with from a vacation are also wrapped around feelings that felt so darn good. My mom shared something like this: The experiences and feelings get so wrapped up into one that we try to re-create those same feelings into our every day life. And not just once in a while as a quick escape from reality, but when stress comes or overload or fatigue, boredom, sadness, whatever the trigger, we try to add the feeling of vacation into every element of our lives...hence, eating when we aren't hungry. Shopping when we don't need anything. Having that extra drink just to get that extra little buzz. Whatever our "go to", when it is in excess, either by quantity, actual time or thinking about it, it becomes an idol.

(I find it interesting that this is exactly what Em and I are reading in her Picture Bible right now, as well as her Reader for school...hmmm...guess God is reinforcing what He is setting me free from!)

Freedom from responsibility, total uninterrupted relaxation, satisfaction from food that was made for me by a chef, the opportunity to be served instead of having to do all the work. Honestly, the list could go on and on.

But God set the example of reality for me at the very beginning: 6 days work, 1 day off to rest. We want, or maybe just I want, no one else out there, the feeling of 6 days rest...6 days of vacation...6 days of at least the feelings of vacation...and if I were to be honest: 7.

So, for me, even though my trip to Mexico was totally great, it was at the end of a really long and draining time line of events in my life. I'm not going to pull the dead kid card here. I'm not trying to make excuses. I am grateful for this blog that I hate because it's giving me a space to retrace some steps and see where I burnt out. It's been culminating for a while. I think I've just felt too needed, and even that shows me I was trying to do too much on my own strength, coasting on refills of the past instead of stopping for myself, not selfishly, but because we all need it, just to get filled up by the One Who does the ultimate filling.

No, I haven't been laying on the floor in the family room with all the lights on under a space heater to recreate the Mexican sun, but I have been eating out of boredom, that is for sure.

At the beginning of this year, I was hungrier than ever to just have simple, uncomplicated, quiet time with God. I expressed that to Him, though He knew my heart anyway, so it's not like it was a big secret. As a result, He has been showing me how He is taking things out of my life to create more room, not to fill up with people, experiences or things, but to fill up with Him.

Just the other night, as I was trying to fall asleep after posting here, God showed me quite a few things on this quest for freedom from food obsession. One was this:

When Noah was in the hospital, and for quite some time afterward, food wasn't even an issue. I actually didn't even eat out of stress while he was sick. And, He showed me it was because I wasn't being self-sufficient but was trusting Him with everything. He also showed me, though, that there doesn't have to be a train wreck or chaos, calamity or heartache in order to lean into Him.

I know too much.

I already know that God wants me to hang out with Him all day long, everyday, not just when stuff is tough. But I'm a strong personality. I am driven. I can do it on my own. I'm self-sufficient. Yep. I can. I mean, obviously...that's why I have this blog that I hate, right?!

What I really need to eat right now is a few slices of humble pie. Actually, just one bite is plenty. I mean, I need the whole pie because I really need some humbling, but with this revelation, I know that one bite will do. I can't do this on my own. All the willpower in the world won't suffice. But God will. He does. I just need to sit and be with Him more.

I have picked it up again. I have allowed food to become an idol once more. I've allowed myself to crowd out my Heavenly Father.

I'm a regular old Israelite of old. I wonder if the golden calf they forged was a big, fat, golden calf?

I am sorry, Lord. I am sorry.

And God has been gracious. He forgives me. He isn't disgusted with me. He loves me. He hasn't changed, He remains.

So I am the one that has to stop and go back to where He can be found...and it's not in the busyness of things that are even good. It's at His feet. It's not with the fridge hanging open or my hand in the bottom of an empty bag or with the American sized portions on every corner.

It's at His feet. In His Word. Pure and simple. I'm re-learning.