I'm an extremist. It's pretty plain and simple.
At least I am aware of it.
I am aware of my extreme tendencies, as well as my extreme lack of ability to live somewhere in between extreme and un-extreme.
Clearly I've got problems.
Before Mother's Day when I drafted my personal fitness and clean eating manifesto, the extreme idealistic "me" was in her glory!
"Woohoo! YES! This is IT! You are the queen of the world...well, your world, and YOU CAN DO THIS! This is RIGHT! This is GOOD! YOU will feel SO GREAT! So, SO GREAT! Eat CLEAN! Avoid your ALLERGENS! Stay away from the DEVIL aka, carbs and sugars! Go DRY until September 1st when you've got a hold on all this! DON'T EAT ONE evil carb until after September 1st! And then, eat clean 6 days a week, and enjoy one or two cheat meals..."
I should have plastered this on my walls. Tattooed it to the insides of my eyelids. Written it in Sharpie or lipstick on every mirror in my house. These sentiments clearly should not have only been written down once in a notebook that was tucked neatly into a cupboard.
For my 3 1/2 month "plan," I did not "write in" ONE SINGLE cheat meal, snack, day, or item...
...as a result, the one vodka drink I had at my friend's 40th, coupled with a fabulous meal where I steered clear of every carb and didn't even blink at the cupcakes, took my brain to a place where I actually felt like a failure after an entire month of doing a fantastic job.
Message in the mirror: You blew it! You suck! You suck at eating clean...you always do!
This occurred 3 weeks ago...and my brain feels stuck in a place of believing I really have blown it!
Then, remember, I divorced my scale. I haven't gone back, but I NEED TO! THIS HAS BEEN A VERY, VERY difficult lifestyle change! I know, from grabbing, I have gained weight, not from not weighing in, clearly from eating the wrong foods, but not tracking it has messed with me...Even though my head got caught up with the numbers, I'm not so sure this was a wise decision...but I'm too afraid to step on it now!
And then June 21st happened...and I haven't even been able to write about it yet. My heart aches for my friends' hearts. But I comforted myself with, ummmm, lots and lots of pancakes. Let's just say, I ate to offer comfort to my friend, though she never even knew...because how does my eating a dozen pancakes offer comfort to her empty arms??? No, really...
But the point is, why am I such an extremist? And why am I such an extremist with myself, against myself, with stuff that qualifies as #firstworldproblems!?!? #$%^&*
Seriously! With all the EXTREME energy I put into kicking my own teeth in, I could be putting it into something so much more world changing...or even my own small-world changing.
And so, once again, here I am telling myself to take one day at a time...to keep eating clean, but not kill myself for one day or one meal or one Doley Stoli at a friend's birthday celebration, but to live, to celebrate, and to mourn when these seasons are upon us...
*On a practical note: I've just received a supplement for my brain called Crave Arrest that my naturopath gave me. He says it will help with my EXTREME food tendencies to help balance the chemical imbalance I've grown used to because of my poor eating habits. This confirms what I read in "Unchain Your Brain," by Dr. Daniel Amen, so I guess we'll see...I also have a BLANK food journal. I chucked the other one in the trash and am starting from scratch tomorrow morning with the foods I eat in a day, along with proactive steps for triggers and negative thought battles that are sure to rage...
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Gun Show
There's a gun show in town today.
But yesterday, there were no guns. No. They were bat wings, Grandma-ish. "Squishy, squishy," as Emily used to affectionately say.
Nothing has changed since yesterday, to the eye, but I'm trying to love my arms...and by "love" them I mean, tough love, like Jillian Michaels, Tony Horton, boat loads of push-ups, dips, curls, type of love. Not unconditional, accept-you-as-you-are love.
It's ridiculous, really.
It's a #FirstWorldProblem to have weight TO LOSE.
Let me repeat that statement: It's a #FirstWorldProblem to have weight TO LOSE.
This isn't something with which women who walk 6 miles a day to gather water for their families will ever struggle.
And yet, there are moments, here and there, though fewer and farther between, where I wish my arms were just lean, already!
And I know. I know, okay! I am reading Voskamp's 1000 Gifts, and I know, blasted.
I do not think about it all the time. My thoughts, actually are getting better as I habitually practice the art of renewing my mind with God's word on a regular basis. When I set two alarms for 5:30 am, there are no excuses...
That Guy sure has some great things to say, I tell ya. He's super smart. Like, way smarter than Einstein, even. Like this, for example:
"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller (or leaner arms) by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion - do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers - most of which are never even seen - don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met." - The Message, Matthew 6:25-33
(green parenthesis mine...)
30 years of mental un-doing is tough work. It takes prayer, time literally changing my brain, and physical time. It's the time part I'm learning...
And so, I am practicing thankfulness, gratitude, joy, and rest in knowing He made me, He loves me, He cares for me even more than the magnificent wildflowers that are covering the countryside in Colorado at this very moment...the ones Ryan and I see on our bike rides...because I have arms that are able to grip handle bars...and I have legs strong enough to pedal.
And it's up to me to praise Him, to walk out of the gun show and focus on the Great and Glorious God.
But yesterday, there were no guns. No. They were bat wings, Grandma-ish. "Squishy, squishy," as Emily used to affectionately say.
Nothing has changed since yesterday, to the eye, but I'm trying to love my arms...and by "love" them I mean, tough love, like Jillian Michaels, Tony Horton, boat loads of push-ups, dips, curls, type of love. Not unconditional, accept-you-as-you-are love.
It's ridiculous, really.
It's a #FirstWorldProblem to have weight TO LOSE.
Let me repeat that statement: It's a #FirstWorldProblem to have weight TO LOSE.
This isn't something with which women who walk 6 miles a day to gather water for their families will ever struggle.
And yet, there are moments, here and there, though fewer and farther between, where I wish my arms were just lean, already!
And I know. I know, okay! I am reading Voskamp's 1000 Gifts, and I know, blasted.
1. Thank You, Lord, for arms, in general! I lift them high and praise Your name!
I do not think about it all the time. My thoughts, actually are getting better as I habitually practice the art of renewing my mind with God's word on a regular basis. When I set two alarms for 5:30 am, there are no excuses...
That Guy sure has some great things to say, I tell ya. He's super smart. Like, way smarter than Einstein, even. Like this, for example:
"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller (or leaner arms) by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion - do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers - most of which are never even seen - don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met." - The Message, Matthew 6:25-33
(green parenthesis mine...)
30 years of mental un-doing is tough work. It takes prayer, time literally changing my brain, and physical time. It's the time part I'm learning...
And so, I am practicing thankfulness, gratitude, joy, and rest in knowing He made me, He loves me, He cares for me even more than the magnificent wildflowers that are covering the countryside in Colorado at this very moment...the ones Ryan and I see on our bike rides...because I have arms that are able to grip handle bars...and I have legs strong enough to pedal.
And it's up to me to praise Him, to walk out of the gun show and focus on the Great and Glorious God.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Amputee
Have you heard of the phenomena of when a person loses an appendage they often have ghost feelings that their missing limb is still there?
In the last year and a half I lost 45 lbs.
I have collar bones and knee caps.
When I don't eat my allergens, I have hip bones.
Apparently they were always there, just coated under layers of layers of layers.
I can still remember one day in 1981 when I was sitting on the toilet at home around 3:05 pm.
I was a latch-key kid, getting home about an hour or so earlier than my big sister. Also, in elementary school I would never use the bathroom at school. And by "never" I mean, not ever. I didn't want anyone to hear me tinkle. And I certainly would have died if anyone heard me plop. I literally just went in there, as all teachers knew we did in the 80's, to comb my feathered hair.
Anyway, as I was rushing up to our front door, chucking my book bag on the ground, squirming, twisting, legs crossed while trying to unlock the door and unbutton my Calvin Klein jeans (nothing came between me and my CK's...) the lock and key finally cooperated.
With the door flung wide, despite all the mad rapists and murderers in suburban Mesa, Arizona, (I had watched too much nightly news) I ran into the house to the bathroom and stood before the toilet, trying to peel off my jeans.
And suddenly I had this warm feeling come over me. At least, it came over the bottom half of me.
Something had, indeed, come between me and my Calvin Klein's.
Somehow I was able to pinch it, peel off my jeans and sit and finish what I had started.
And as I sat there, as I had done time and again, I began to count:
one
two
three
four
five
Five.
Five rolls of belly fat. Going from smallest to biggest as they cascaded down my abdomen.
Yes, I remember this from 1981, and it makes me a little sad to know I wasn't counting squares of toilet paper or making designs out of the drywall patterns instead of what I would do each and every time I sat down on the toilet.
(Don't worry. Remember, I've been in and out of counseling...it's okay)
All that to say, my earliest memories have always included some excess folds. My mind remembers back fat and flappy upper arms and the comment a college friend said when she saw cellulite on my calves.
But sometimes, most of the time, my eyes and mind do not communicate. At least of late. And I sense those 45 lbs still there, even though the majority of them are not.
It's like there's ghost fat rolls I can still count. Like I'm a fat amputee trying to learn life without fat as an appendage.
And I know it sounds strange. But when, for years, you've carried extra weight and then it is suddenly (not instantaneously, but seemingly) gone, I really do believe it takes your mind a while to catch up with the new physical you.
This is the leg of the journey I find myself on right now. I'm praying and trusting God to help my mind and my eyes and my reality line up...
In the last year and a half I lost 45 lbs.
I have collar bones and knee caps.
When I don't eat my allergens, I have hip bones.
Apparently they were always there, just coated under layers of layers of layers.
I can still remember one day in 1981 when I was sitting on the toilet at home around 3:05 pm.
I was a latch-key kid, getting home about an hour or so earlier than my big sister. Also, in elementary school I would never use the bathroom at school. And by "never" I mean, not ever. I didn't want anyone to hear me tinkle. And I certainly would have died if anyone heard me plop. I literally just went in there, as all teachers knew we did in the 80's, to comb my feathered hair.
Anyway, as I was rushing up to our front door, chucking my book bag on the ground, squirming, twisting, legs crossed while trying to unlock the door and unbutton my Calvin Klein jeans (nothing came between me and my CK's...) the lock and key finally cooperated.
With the door flung wide, despite all the mad rapists and murderers in suburban Mesa, Arizona, (I had watched too much nightly news) I ran into the house to the bathroom and stood before the toilet, trying to peel off my jeans.
And suddenly I had this warm feeling come over me. At least, it came over the bottom half of me.
Something had, indeed, come between me and my Calvin Klein's.
Somehow I was able to pinch it, peel off my jeans and sit and finish what I had started.
And as I sat there, as I had done time and again, I began to count:
one
two
three
four
five
Five.
Five rolls of belly fat. Going from smallest to biggest as they cascaded down my abdomen.
Yes, I remember this from 1981, and it makes me a little sad to know I wasn't counting squares of toilet paper or making designs out of the drywall patterns instead of what I would do each and every time I sat down on the toilet.
(Don't worry. Remember, I've been in and out of counseling...it's okay)
All that to say, my earliest memories have always included some excess folds. My mind remembers back fat and flappy upper arms and the comment a college friend said when she saw cellulite on my calves.
But sometimes, most of the time, my eyes and mind do not communicate. At least of late. And I sense those 45 lbs still there, even though the majority of them are not.
It's like there's ghost fat rolls I can still count. Like I'm a fat amputee trying to learn life without fat as an appendage.
And I know it sounds strange. But when, for years, you've carried extra weight and then it is suddenly (not instantaneously, but seemingly) gone, I really do believe it takes your mind a while to catch up with the new physical you.
This is the leg of the journey I find myself on right now. I'm praying and trusting God to help my mind and my eyes and my reality line up...
Friday, April 13, 2012
Freedom in Confessing
So, in the back of my head, a thought has lurked...for over a year now.
I'm not promoting it, plugging it, or getting kick backs, so I just want to lay that out now. I forgot to post this post last year about it, so here is a link I just found among my "drafts." This post has a lot of my personal history of hCG...
Anyway, on my "Diet Reviews" page I talk about hCG. At least for me, maybe other hCGers would disagree, but for me, "hCG" is always a thought in the back of my head whenever I spin out of control or "tip the scale." And by a "thought that has lurked" over the last year, I literally mean, is has plagued my mind until very recently, numerous times throughout the day.
So, I've been praying about it. Not praying if I should do it again or not or flaky praying like, "Oh dear Jesus, since I keep thinking about it, it must be a sign from You telling me to do hCG..." Not that kind of praying.
Praying for God to take those plaguing thoughts AWAY and replace them with loving thoughts toward myself.
I'm not kidding. In the course of one day, I saw two license plates with HCG as the three final letters. There's no telling what the Enemy of our hearts will do to monopolize our thoughts from living freely and focusing on things that are more important than thighs that "HIGH-FIVE" every time they cross paths! I REALIZE THIS! THERE ARE STARVING PEOPLE AND SLAVE-TRAFFICKED CHILDREN AND WOMEN BEING ABUSED BY THEIR HUSBANDS AND LOTS OF MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN THE WORLD...THAT'S WHY IT'S BEEN FRUSTRATING TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS CONTINUALLY BE AT MY DOORSTEP!
hCG was a great jump start for me, especially to figure out my food sensitivities, but I tell you what. The structure. The results. I mean, I hadn't seen my triceps EVER and who knew the lunges I had done for years on freaking end had really produced muscles in my thighs since there was still a coating of fat covering them? Who knew?!
So, all that to say, in the last 3 months as I've gone up and down 10 to 15 pounds, hCG has been my mental scapegoat, thinking to myself, "Well, if I can't get my act together, I can always do that...one more time..."
But, BUT, BUTTTTTTTT! I want to tell you! The discouragement was only part of the picture and I knew in my heart doing hCG one more time was NOT the answer.
Literally, Jesus was. Is. The. Answer.
No more excuses. No more abusing my body by bingeing and then wallowing in shame and guilt. Which, here's an acronym I learned recently to describe the mentality and faulty thinking which lies deep beneath a BINGE:
Believing
I'm
Not
Good
Enough
The morning after Easter I woke up feeling a freedom I'm not so sure I've ever felt. I had eaten way too much, and consumed several of my allergens on Easter so felt horribly, both physically and emotionally, when I had gone to bed Sunday night. I had even planned to just head out and buy "one more bottle of hCG" just to snap out of it. Just to "get your friggin' act together, Adrienne!"
But, Monday morning I woke up free.
Eff.
Arr.
Eee.
Eee.
FREE!
I wasn't hungry. I wasn't thinking about food. I crept quietly to the kitchen where I keep my Bible on my desk and opened it to feast for a bit. I sat quietly with the Lord and thanked Him for the sense of renewal and that my thoughts were literally clear from all things hCG.
And, all week, I have walked in this freedom. None of my circumstances have changed. I'm still working upwards of 80 hours a week coordinating my non-profit organization to get it off the ground to host a Midwest retreat in less than two months. (If you live in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa or anywhere around the Midwest, here's a link. )
Anyway, my point in sharing is this: God gets all the glory in this. I have tried, and tried, and tried, and tried my whole life, with my own strength, and my own effort, and failed miserably. Every. Single. Time.
I finally stopped asking God to bless my effort.
I don't have time to selfishly allow food to consume my thoughts. There is too much to do in the world and I have way too many dreams to allow an addiction to hold me back.
It seems as I am learning to love myself God is showing me more and more how He's loved me this whole time, even when I hated myself the most...
*What are your dreams? What do you think is holding you back from running with the dreams the Lord literally put into your DNA?! Are they worth the addiction?!
I'm not promoting it, plugging it, or getting kick backs, so I just want to lay that out now. I forgot to post this post last year about it, so here is a link I just found among my "drafts." This post has a lot of my personal history of hCG...
Anyway, on my "Diet Reviews" page I talk about hCG. At least for me, maybe other hCGers would disagree, but for me, "hCG" is always a thought in the back of my head whenever I spin out of control or "tip the scale." And by a "thought that has lurked" over the last year, I literally mean, is has plagued my mind until very recently, numerous times throughout the day.
So, I've been praying about it. Not praying if I should do it again or not or flaky praying like, "Oh dear Jesus, since I keep thinking about it, it must be a sign from You telling me to do hCG..." Not that kind of praying.
Praying for God to take those plaguing thoughts AWAY and replace them with loving thoughts toward myself.
I'm not kidding. In the course of one day, I saw two license plates with HCG as the three final letters. There's no telling what the Enemy of our hearts will do to monopolize our thoughts from living freely and focusing on things that are more important than thighs that "HIGH-FIVE" every time they cross paths! I REALIZE THIS! THERE ARE STARVING PEOPLE AND SLAVE-TRAFFICKED CHILDREN AND WOMEN BEING ABUSED BY THEIR HUSBANDS AND LOTS OF MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN THE WORLD...THAT'S WHY IT'S BEEN FRUSTRATING TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS CONTINUALLY BE AT MY DOORSTEP!
hCG was a great jump start for me, especially to figure out my food sensitivities, but I tell you what. The structure. The results. I mean, I hadn't seen my triceps EVER and who knew the lunges I had done for years on freaking end had really produced muscles in my thighs since there was still a coating of fat covering them? Who knew?!
So, all that to say, in the last 3 months as I've gone up and down 10 to 15 pounds, hCG has been my mental scapegoat, thinking to myself, "Well, if I can't get my act together, I can always do that...one more time..."
But, BUT, BUTTTTTTTT! I want to tell you! The discouragement was only part of the picture and I knew in my heart doing hCG one more time was NOT the answer.
Literally, Jesus was. Is. The. Answer.
No more excuses. No more abusing my body by bingeing and then wallowing in shame and guilt. Which, here's an acronym I learned recently to describe the mentality and faulty thinking which lies deep beneath a BINGE:
Believing
I'm
Not
Good
Enough
The morning after Easter I woke up feeling a freedom I'm not so sure I've ever felt. I had eaten way too much, and consumed several of my allergens on Easter so felt horribly, both physically and emotionally, when I had gone to bed Sunday night. I had even planned to just head out and buy "one more bottle of hCG" just to snap out of it. Just to "get your friggin' act together, Adrienne!"
But, Monday morning I woke up free.
Eff.
Arr.
Eee.
Eee.
FREE!
I wasn't hungry. I wasn't thinking about food. I crept quietly to the kitchen where I keep my Bible on my desk and opened it to feast for a bit. I sat quietly with the Lord and thanked Him for the sense of renewal and that my thoughts were literally clear from all things hCG.
And, all week, I have walked in this freedom. None of my circumstances have changed. I'm still working upwards of 80 hours a week coordinating my non-profit organization to get it off the ground to host a Midwest retreat in less than two months. (If you live in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa or anywhere around the Midwest, here's a link. )
Anyway, my point in sharing is this: God gets all the glory in this. I have tried, and tried, and tried, and tried my whole life, with my own strength, and my own effort, and failed miserably. Every. Single. Time.
I finally stopped asking God to bless my effort.
I don't have time to selfishly allow food to consume my thoughts. There is too much to do in the world and I have way too many dreams to allow an addiction to hold me back.
It seems as I am learning to love myself God is showing me more and more how He's loved me this whole time, even when I hated myself the most...
*What are your dreams? What do you think is holding you back from running with the dreams the Lord literally put into your DNA?! Are they worth the addiction?!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
A Simpler Way
I'm a purger.
Not in regard to food. I never could make myself throw up. I'm not talking about that kind of purging.
I'm a binge-er when it comes to food. You already know this...
But I'm a purger of stuff.
I have a lot of stuff and when I feel overwhelmed it's easy for me to do away with it because it's just stuff and since having a son pass away, I'm not attached to things, so chucking stuff kind of rocks...because, like I said, it's stuff.
We definitely place value on stuff, but we can't take stuff with us to Heaven. Even though we can enjoy it here on Earth and it can often serve a purpose, too much stuff can be a trigger for overwhelm. At least for me.
So, as the research geek that I am, I usually have stacks of books here and there either on my desk or next to my bed on a few topics. And all of the research is good and fascinating. But I've read a boat load of books about health, nutrition, natural foods and healing, allergens, auto-immune diseases, juicing, cleansing, etc, etc.
And it occurred to me yesterday as I looked at the 5 books I had just grabbed from the library that there really isn't enough time in a day or week or even month to, ironically, digest everything in those books...and for the most part, I've read them or something similar already at some point over the last 20ish years.
So I know what they're going to say:
It's basic. It's simple. It's truth.
What does that mean? Instead of apple pie choose apple sauce, but instead of apple sauce, choose an apple.
If we were to eat food the way God made it, mostly raw fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds, some fish and lean meats, we'd be really, really, really healthy people.
And when I do eat that way, I feel fantastic.
So, I took every book back to the library. I purged my book shelf of all the random books there collecting dust that "I'll read one day...", I deleted ALL the food blogs I had bookmarked on my computer, and that's just the beginning.
You see, I think that when we learn we have a food sensitivity or allergy or are needing to scale back because the scale is telling us something, we tend to fight it. At least I did. I used to. I would search the Internet then for recipes of what I could eat. What are alternatives to chocolate chip cookies or brownies or cakes or other pastries that are: gluten free, egg free, dairy free, low or no refined sugar, low carb, yada, yada, blah, blah.
And the truth is: When I eat clean, whole foods, I crave clean whole foods. And, when I eat high fat, sugary recipes I crave those things.
Symbolically purging all those books and blogs out of my life and literally looking up Scriptures that have to do with: Filling, Satisfaction, Food, Health, Nourishment, Jesus being Living Water...well, let's just say it helps me to get back to simpler things, like allowing God to fill me instead of a pan of carbs.
This simplifying or purging isn't just happening in my way of eating. I'm de-cluttering my life this Lenten season.
I need to be free to be me. And that freedom will continue to come as I get back to a more simple way of living.
Not in regard to food. I never could make myself throw up. I'm not talking about that kind of purging.
I'm a binge-er when it comes to food. You already know this...
But I'm a purger of stuff.
I have a lot of stuff and when I feel overwhelmed it's easy for me to do away with it because it's just stuff and since having a son pass away, I'm not attached to things, so chucking stuff kind of rocks...because, like I said, it's stuff.
We definitely place value on stuff, but we can't take stuff with us to Heaven. Even though we can enjoy it here on Earth and it can often serve a purpose, too much stuff can be a trigger for overwhelm. At least for me.
So, as the research geek that I am, I usually have stacks of books here and there either on my desk or next to my bed on a few topics. And all of the research is good and fascinating. But I've read a boat load of books about health, nutrition, natural foods and healing, allergens, auto-immune diseases, juicing, cleansing, etc, etc.
And it occurred to me yesterday as I looked at the 5 books I had just grabbed from the library that there really isn't enough time in a day or week or even month to, ironically, digest everything in those books...and for the most part, I've read them or something similar already at some point over the last 20ish years.
So I know what they're going to say:
"Eat as closely to the way God made food in the first place."
It's basic. It's simple. It's truth.
What does that mean? Instead of apple pie choose apple sauce, but instead of apple sauce, choose an apple.
If we were to eat food the way God made it, mostly raw fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds, some fish and lean meats, we'd be really, really, really healthy people.
And when I do eat that way, I feel fantastic.
So, I took every book back to the library. I purged my book shelf of all the random books there collecting dust that "I'll read one day...", I deleted ALL the food blogs I had bookmarked on my computer, and that's just the beginning.
You see, I think that when we learn we have a food sensitivity or allergy or are needing to scale back because the scale is telling us something, we tend to fight it. At least I did. I used to. I would search the Internet then for recipes of what I could eat. What are alternatives to chocolate chip cookies or brownies or cakes or other pastries that are: gluten free, egg free, dairy free, low or no refined sugar, low carb, yada, yada, blah, blah.
And the truth is: When I eat clean, whole foods, I crave clean whole foods. And, when I eat high fat, sugary recipes I crave those things.
Symbolically purging all those books and blogs out of my life and literally looking up Scriptures that have to do with: Filling, Satisfaction, Food, Health, Nourishment, Jesus being Living Water...well, let's just say it helps me to get back to simpler things, like allowing God to fill me instead of a pan of carbs.
This simplifying or purging isn't just happening in my way of eating. I'm de-cluttering my life this Lenten season.
I need to be free to be me. And that freedom will continue to come as I get back to a more simple way of living.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
All is NOT Vanity!
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| "All is Vanity" by Allan C. Gilbert |
I had a revelation a couple weeks back at group counseling. It was UH-MAZE-ing! So, here's a little history...once upon a time my mom was a beauty queen and a model. She fell in love with my dad, got married and had 3 little girls. The 3 of us girls used to play in her closet, trying on tiaras, donning "Miss So and So" sashes, prancing around in beautiful gowns, waving and smiling, and flipping through the pages of photos and article clippings, dreaming about what it was like to be a real princess, like our mom.
The funny thing was our mom had stuffed that memorabilia in bottom drawers and in the back of her closet, not because she was ashamed or embarrassed, I don't think, but because though it had been fun and special to be involved in such circles, it didn't define her.
In my mind, however, it was all I wanted to be. I wanted to be pretty like my mom. I wanted to wear beautiful gowns and have my hair done all fancy-like. I was that little girl who dressed up in her mommy's clothes and pretended to be a grown lady. I used to sit on her bathroom counter while she did her hair and make-up for a date night out with my dad. My parents were, and are, beautiful people. But not only on the outside.
Anyway, in junior high I used to look at Teen Magazine. Bad idea. Seriously, parents, it's not necessary, there is NO wisdom in it, and if you don't want your kids doing the nasty at an early age, it's best just to avoid it altogether. It doesn't feed their souls or minds. There's better "trash" out there, let's just say. ANYWAY, hello tangent, I used to Eat. It. Up. And, if you are near 40ish, like yours truly, you may remember the advertisement from John Casablancas for their "Model Search."
I remember it well.
I wanted to be a model.
I asked my dad if I could be a model.
He said no. He said I would lose my soul.
I remember being disappointed then. However, in time, even early on, like in high school, I remember being grateful he had said no. He knew something I didn't. (Imagine parents knowing more than their kids...)
I would have indeed lost my soul because I didn't know what real beauty was at the time. I just knew what I thought was pretty...and in my mind it included the approval of others.
Well, fast forward to my group counseling session a few weeks ago and the part where I have never loved myself.
I KNOW God is totally in love with me. I KNOW He is totally in love with you and I will tell you and everyone in the whole wide world so until I'm blue in the face.
But the part that says, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself," well, I've never loved myself. I don't believe I haven't been able to truly love others because I haven't loved myself. I'm pretty good at loving others. I love a lot of others. But I bet I've missed out on the extent to which I CAN love others...anyway...
But somewhere in my young heart and mind, way back when I wanted to be a model, I merged the idea of loving myself with vanity...
...and sooooooo, last Fall when I lost the weight that I knew I could lose and finally was able to look in the mirror and say to myself, "Yes. That's the girl I always knew was under there..." and I felt pretty and confident and finally liked the me I could see but then sabotaged my weight loss, I realized it was out of fear.
I feared being vain.
For years I had equated who I WAS with who I SAW in the mirror. And ironically, I had it backwards...and ironically "WAS" and "SAW" is a palindrome.
What I see in the mirror and who I am on the inside and outside are allowed to match. Yes, Paul tells women that our beauty should not come from our outward appearance, jewelry, hair, yada, yada, but from the inside, from our hearts. I get that. But there is nothing wrong with loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves, wearing pretty things, exercising, losing weight, doing things that benefit our bodies so that we can be confident in who we are in Christ, serving Him to the best of our abilities.
Beauty is not evil. Wanting to feel pretty isn't a crime.
I realize now that the last year of stopping the excuses, rolling up my sleeves, and losing the extra weight to find physically the girl I've always known was there, was my first step towards really loving myself.
And it wasn't in vain and it wasn't to be vain.
I did it to be healthy. I didn't do it to sit around and stare at myself or think of myself as all that and a bag of chips.
I did it to be free! And I'm feeling more and more free to finally love me!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Food for Thought
Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35
Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:13-14
"My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work." John 4:34
As a person whose thoughts have been bombarded with food oftentimes throughout my short life (currently writing this post as a 39 year and 51 and a half week old...) initially reading the quotes above were annoying. I mean, really, why would the God of the whole wide world have to use metaphors when speaking to us humans? And especially about food? Why not just say, "I'm all you'll ever need...I'm better than sex, food, money, tequila and even chocolate...just hang out with Me and trust Me?"
He actually did say all those things in different ways, but He also knew that one day I would need to read those verses to be encouraged that true satisfaction, satiation, quenching, fulfillment, all those things, could only be filled by Him.
He knew that I would be dissatisfied on this earth because I wasn't intended for here, trying to fill myself with things other than Him, other than His will, things that were only temporarily fulfilling.
He knew my issues would be with food...and I wouldn't be the only one.
So, He saw fit to write it down. In ink. On pieces of skin and dried leaves. In the hearts of people who would be obedient to pass it on, who may have even struggled with the same things.
He provided for me because He's always provided for me...for all of us.
Some might think, "How did He know your issues would be with food? Why would He let you go through something, conflict, a difficult time, addiction, loss, pride, heartache, grief, (not only talking food here, obviously, but trials of all kinds...) if He's really a loving God?"
Well, one, He made me. And He made you...whether you believe that or not. Two, He knew because He's super smart, I mean, you try designing a Universe...it's totally not easy. Three, He's not Santa Claus, so don't even get me started on that one...we live on earth so crap happens and just because we ask an old guy for something because we've been good doesn't mean it'll be under our tree (that's another post!!!). And four, but not an exhaustive list by any means, He knew Satan would tempt me on more than one occasion and that I'd hit bottom one day but finally look up to Him, my Source, to find what it was I was searching for in the first place.
So, as I've been going to Him during times of "bored eating" He has provided these scriptures, these truths, for me to feast on. I hope they'll encourage and fill you, too!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Not Soon Enough...
Seriously, my counseling appointment tomorrow can't come soon enough.
Ironically, one of my favorite books is "One Minute of Margin," however I do not have one minute of margin to even read the thing to find out how to create more margin. You see, I leave it in the bathroom where, before I had a toddler, I had more than a minute of margin to sit and unwind and take care of business. Now, I hold "having to go potty" until I can hold it no longer and then run to the bathroom, get in and out quick, and run back out to monitor any toddler damage.
Today I am overwhelmed and just want chocolate. This is annoying. This overwhelm was triggered by a parent/teacher conference last night, but I don't feel like getting into it right now...
I need to cut things out of my life. I need to cut people out of my life. I need to scale back. I need to say "no" and realize that if "no" received by someone else is fatal for them, that's their deal, not mine.
Random thought here: Maybe "scaling back" is manifested in my life by getting rid of excess fat through dieting? Results. Like how I love to purge closets and drawers in my house...hmmmm?
Anyway, who knows but what I do know is there isn't a clean surface in my kitchen, the dog follows me around all day doing upward/downward dog motions, I can't pee in privacy anymore and next to having a non-profit that is my passion and dream, the ideas and half-finished docs for a book, having a jewelry business that is a creative outlet for my frenzied mind, and being a wife and mom, it seems like I have to cut something out.
Let's see...it can't be wife. It can't be mom. I can cut out my jewelry/creative outlet, but then I'll retain stress. (Retained stress = large consumption of chocolate) And so, it seems like the very thing I've been designed to do, my passion and dream to encourage women and really get my non-profit rolling is the thing I have to put on the back burner, again, and that makes me sick to my stomach and causes my throat to tighten just thinking about it. I can't even see the screen right now b/c my eyes are all juicy.
I need to go take a deep breath and throw something, anything, away...
Question: Have you ever felt like you were made for something but that very thing is the thing you have to keep putting on hold?
Ironically, one of my favorite books is "One Minute of Margin," however I do not have one minute of margin to even read the thing to find out how to create more margin. You see, I leave it in the bathroom where, before I had a toddler, I had more than a minute of margin to sit and unwind and take care of business. Now, I hold "having to go potty" until I can hold it no longer and then run to the bathroom, get in and out quick, and run back out to monitor any toddler damage.
Today I am overwhelmed and just want chocolate. This is annoying. This overwhelm was triggered by a parent/teacher conference last night, but I don't feel like getting into it right now...
I need to cut things out of my life. I need to cut people out of my life. I need to scale back. I need to say "no" and realize that if "no" received by someone else is fatal for them, that's their deal, not mine.
Random thought here: Maybe "scaling back" is manifested in my life by getting rid of excess fat through dieting? Results. Like how I love to purge closets and drawers in my house...hmmmm?
Anyway, who knows but what I do know is there isn't a clean surface in my kitchen, the dog follows me around all day doing upward/downward dog motions, I can't pee in privacy anymore and next to having a non-profit that is my passion and dream, the ideas and half-finished docs for a book, having a jewelry business that is a creative outlet for my frenzied mind, and being a wife and mom, it seems like I have to cut something out.
Let's see...it can't be wife. It can't be mom. I can cut out my jewelry/creative outlet, but then I'll retain stress. (Retained stress = large consumption of chocolate) And so, it seems like the very thing I've been designed to do, my passion and dream to encourage women and really get my non-profit rolling is the thing I have to put on the back burner, again, and that makes me sick to my stomach and causes my throat to tighten just thinking about it. I can't even see the screen right now b/c my eyes are all juicy.
I need to go take a deep breath and throw something, anything, away...
Question: Have you ever felt like you were made for something but that very thing is the thing you have to keep putting on hold?
Monday, November 21, 2011
T-t-t-t-t-trigger, of course!
(Isn't that a line in a song or something?!) Oh yeah, it is, here's the link...hilarious!
ANYWAY, the last week has been pretty good food wise. I have kept myself very, very, very, very, very, very busy, as I said I would. I tell you, when busyness is productive and not just busyness for the sake of being busy, well, those big item tickets start getting marked off the "To Do" list and....drum roll....there's not a lot of time for snacking out of boredom.
Some of those big ticket items entailed painting a bathroom and the dining room, changing the chandelier in the said dining room, and hanging crown molding. I was going to sew curtains but my mom told me to create a little margin in my life, so I took her advice and realized we don't need curtains before Thanksgiving. Do we ever really need them? No. No one needs curtains, unless your shower is glass and faces your neighbor...we need food, water, shelter and some clothes, but that's another post.
So, I'm not going to lie. I mean, just painting a bathroom doesn't sound stressful or like it could trigger stress eating, but I'm anal. I hand cut in my edging because I like clean, straight lines. That in and of itself isn't necessarily stressful, but wrapping my body around the toilet with my head in a precarious position, much like this, it can become stressful. Painting the dining room wasn't stressful, though I had to stand like this most of the time trying to paint the cove ceiling so as a result my neck had a kink in it which earned me a neck rub, so, the stress didn't stick around too long.
Last week I ate Paleo style, eliminating high glycemic starchy foods, eating tons of salads and meat, raw veggies and pretty much an apple each day. Besides the fact that my 15 month old cut 6 teeth and didn't sleep amazingly, I felt great, didn't have gas and wasn't hungry between meals. I got this great book from the library called Everyday Paleo by Sarah Fragoso. I'm thinking Paleo will be my first choice round of the 4 month eating plan when I start officially.
ANYWAY, where the stress, or trigger, came in was when Jason started cutting and hanging the crown molding. THAT is NOT a simple thing, I tell you! It looks beautiful now, but baby there's some wood putty, let's just say...
The tipping point, or real trigger that drove me to pour a large glass of wine and consume a heavy dose of chocolate was the hanging of the chandelier. Hoochie mama, was that super fun?! #$%^&* Our marriage is happily still in tact but standing on a chair holding a chandelier while your hubby stands on a bar stool twisting wires, your arms shaking because you did the extra long version of Jackie Warner's workout earlier, and the little stinking bolts that are supposed to secure the mighty piece to the ceiling keep falling to the floor...well, like I said, it was a large glass of wine.
For reals, my husband is an engineer and even he said the chandelier, at least how it is secured to the ceiling, was designed poorly. I hadn't even added the weight of the glass candle covers, and to be honest, all I could imagine was the whole thing falling to the table during Thanksgiving causing senior citizens, and even junior senior citizens, to have heart failure. Jason added two extra screws, secured in sheet rock anchors, and literally, the stress lifted. No one will die at the dinner table! WHEW!
Anyway, house projects can trigger me even though I enjoy doing them. And, as I asked myself that question last week about being angry, I learned a few more of my triggers. Now I just have to figure out what I should do when I'm around a trigger or something or someone triggers me.
I think awareness is half the battle. Do you have triggers?
ANYWAY, the last week has been pretty good food wise. I have kept myself very, very, very, very, very, very busy, as I said I would. I tell you, when busyness is productive and not just busyness for the sake of being busy, well, those big item tickets start getting marked off the "To Do" list and....drum roll....there's not a lot of time for snacking out of boredom.
Some of those big ticket items entailed painting a bathroom and the dining room, changing the chandelier in the said dining room, and hanging crown molding. I was going to sew curtains but my mom told me to create a little margin in my life, so I took her advice and realized we don't need curtains before Thanksgiving. Do we ever really need them? No. No one needs curtains, unless your shower is glass and faces your neighbor...we need food, water, shelter and some clothes, but that's another post.
So, I'm not going to lie. I mean, just painting a bathroom doesn't sound stressful or like it could trigger stress eating, but I'm anal. I hand cut in my edging because I like clean, straight lines. That in and of itself isn't necessarily stressful, but wrapping my body around the toilet with my head in a precarious position, much like this, it can become stressful. Painting the dining room wasn't stressful, though I had to stand like this most of the time trying to paint the cove ceiling so as a result my neck had a kink in it which earned me a neck rub, so, the stress didn't stick around too long.
Last week I ate Paleo style, eliminating high glycemic starchy foods, eating tons of salads and meat, raw veggies and pretty much an apple each day. Besides the fact that my 15 month old cut 6 teeth and didn't sleep amazingly, I felt great, didn't have gas and wasn't hungry between meals. I got this great book from the library called Everyday Paleo by Sarah Fragoso. I'm thinking Paleo will be my first choice round of the 4 month eating plan when I start officially.
ANYWAY, where the stress, or trigger, came in was when Jason started cutting and hanging the crown molding. THAT is NOT a simple thing, I tell you! It looks beautiful now, but baby there's some wood putty, let's just say...
The tipping point, or real trigger that drove me to pour a large glass of wine and consume a heavy dose of chocolate was the hanging of the chandelier. Hoochie mama, was that super fun?! #$%^&* Our marriage is happily still in tact but standing on a chair holding a chandelier while your hubby stands on a bar stool twisting wires, your arms shaking because you did the extra long version of Jackie Warner's workout earlier, and the little stinking bolts that are supposed to secure the mighty piece to the ceiling keep falling to the floor...well, like I said, it was a large glass of wine.
For reals, my husband is an engineer and even he said the chandelier, at least how it is secured to the ceiling, was designed poorly. I hadn't even added the weight of the glass candle covers, and to be honest, all I could imagine was the whole thing falling to the table during Thanksgiving causing senior citizens, and even junior senior citizens, to have heart failure. Jason added two extra screws, secured in sheet rock anchors, and literally, the stress lifted. No one will die at the dinner table! WHEW!
Anyway, house projects can trigger me even though I enjoy doing them. And, as I asked myself that question last week about being angry, I learned a few more of my triggers. Now I just have to figure out what I should do when I'm around a trigger or something or someone triggers me.
I think awareness is half the battle. Do you have triggers?
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
I Ask Myself?
So, as a result of yesterday's post I received some encouraging emails, texts, calls, prayers offered up for my crazy self. Thank you! Seriously! Thank you all so much for your encouragement! I promise I wasn't fishing, but I will say your love and support has lifted me! (I linked yesterday's post to Facebook...here's what I said along with it:
So, I asked myself...
Am I angry about something? I don't think I'm angry, but am I, indeed angry?
WHOA! I tell you what, all you have to do is pick up the phone and call the counseling office...you don't even have to make an appointment, just the act of it can set digging up the past and healing for the future in motion! And, of course, asking yourself if you are angry about something...but DO actually make the appointment since the can of worms is open and not meant to be tackled alone. (Unfortunately for you, I don't feel like it's appropriate to go into all my anger issues here either ever, or, at least until I speak to a counselor who can help me maybe put it into words that can encourage you on your own journey.)
My friend is partly right. It isn't about 10 lbs up or down on the scale. And, it is. I feel like I've lived the last 20ish years of my life wishing I could just lose those last "10 lbs." And I DID lose those last 10 lbs, just a few months ago, and about 10 lbs ago.
And inside, and outside, I was happy!
But it had been a goal for so long that when I reached it, I really didn't know what to do with it. It sounds so strange, I realize, but it's almost like I didn't know how to be the 10 lb lighter me. (THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN AN IDEAL TIME TO HAVE BEEN IN COUNSELING...NOTE TO SELF...)
I did it for me and only for me, so I wasn't ready or even thinking about what others would say. I mean, when we watch "The Biggest Loser" we cheer them on, even shed tears we are so happy for them, but when I finally break through a physical stronghold that has symbolically been a spiritual and mental battlefield, there was no party held or overall congratulatory sentiment. Instead, with wrinkled brow one person said I was too skinny. Someone else said they weren't used to me being thin. "You're not eating enough," spoken to me as I was eating an extra large salad with meat, veggies, oil and nuts on top...
Don't get me wrong, there were plenty that celebrated with me. They told me "Great Job!" and "Tell me what you did?!" I was encouraged and shared my story, encouraged them they could do it too, that I hadn't felt healthier inside or out in years, that I was so glad I finally felt clean and healthy. It helped my heart to know I could encourage someone else on a similar journey.
So then why were those few negative comments so detrimental to my mindset? Why did I listen to their words, digest them, and instead of allowing them to leave my body as waste, keep those negative sentiments (disguised as concern) stored up in me? (*Did you know that fat cells store toxins? Do you see the symbolism here?)
Anyway, the big bold letters up top tell a lot of the story...
I'm glad my friend posed the questions that she did. It gives me some homework to do over the next few weeks as I prepare for counseling. Poor counselor better hold on tight and bring a napkin because I think I may just puke all over her...symbolically, of course!
One friend emailed me the questions, "YIKES! This has nothing to do with 10 lbs on the scale. You are absolutely being tyrannical and why?"; "You would never approach your Emily with this kind of perfectionist rant. But it's okay to treat yourself this way. Why?"; and finally, "I think I would want you to ask yourself - for the next 24 hours - to prayerfully seek out what you are so angry about. I had a counsellor spring this on me once and I was in shock and considerable denial. What? Me angry? No way!"
So, I asked myself...
Am I angry about something? I don't think I'm angry, but am I, indeed angry?
WHOA! I tell you what, all you have to do is pick up the phone and call the counseling office...you don't even have to make an appointment, just the act of it can set digging up the past and healing for the future in motion! And, of course, asking yourself if you are angry about something...but DO actually make the appointment since the can of worms is open and not meant to be tackled alone. (Unfortunately for you, I don't feel like it's appropriate to go into all my anger issues here either ever, or, at least until I speak to a counselor who can help me maybe put it into words that can encourage you on your own journey.)
My friend is partly right. It isn't about 10 lbs up or down on the scale. And, it is. I feel like I've lived the last 20ish years of my life wishing I could just lose those last "10 lbs." And I DID lose those last 10 lbs, just a few months ago, and about 10 lbs ago.
And inside, and outside, I was happy!
I DID IT! I STUCK WITH SOMETHING, STAYED DISCIPLINED, WORKED HARD, AND FOLLOWED THROUGH!!!!
But it had been a goal for so long that when I reached it, I really didn't know what to do with it. It sounds so strange, I realize, but it's almost like I didn't know how to be the 10 lb lighter me. (THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN AN IDEAL TIME TO HAVE BEEN IN COUNSELING...NOTE TO SELF...)
I did it for me and only for me, so I wasn't ready or even thinking about what others would say. I mean, when we watch "The Biggest Loser" we cheer them on, even shed tears we are so happy for them, but when I finally break through a physical stronghold that has symbolically been a spiritual and mental battlefield, there was no party held or overall congratulatory sentiment. Instead, with wrinkled brow one person said I was too skinny. Someone else said they weren't used to me being thin. "You're not eating enough," spoken to me as I was eating an extra large salad with meat, veggies, oil and nuts on top...
Don't get me wrong, there were plenty that celebrated with me. They told me "Great Job!" and "Tell me what you did?!" I was encouraged and shared my story, encouraged them they could do it too, that I hadn't felt healthier inside or out in years, that I was so glad I finally felt clean and healthy. It helped my heart to know I could encourage someone else on a similar journey.
So then why were those few negative comments so detrimental to my mindset? Why did I listen to their words, digest them, and instead of allowing them to leave my body as waste, keep those negative sentiments (disguised as concern) stored up in me? (*Did you know that fat cells store toxins? Do you see the symbolism here?)
Anyway, the big bold letters up top tell a lot of the story...
I'm glad my friend posed the questions that she did. It gives me some homework to do over the next few weeks as I prepare for counseling. Poor counselor better hold on tight and bring a napkin because I think I may just puke all over her...symbolically, of course!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Spinning
As I stepped out of the shower yesterday morning, I wished Jason hadn't been there, brushing his teeth. I felt frumpy. Squishy. Not svelte. The last few days I have felt like I am spinning out of control, like some toy top with no destination. My head has been jacked up. Jacked. In High School when we all had to shower and change in an open setting for PE, I was the girl strategically holding my towel with my teeth, backside up against the open locker, maneuvering my clothes so no one would see my parts. I'm NOT that way with my husband, but I will say that when I feel fat or ugly, I wish for his own good he didn't have to see me.
Perspective. It's all about perspective, though. What my eye sees and what my husband sees are apparently two different things. I wish I could see what he sees 100% of the time instead of seeing through the foggy battleground that is my mind!
Me: Sweetheart, let's just talk about the elephant in the room...no pun intended, ironically...
He stared at me blankly.
Me: Sweetheart, obviously I've gained 10 lbs in the last month...I feel out of control with food and I just need to figure out how to get my head on straight! I'm sorry I'm such a freak!
Him: Adrienne, I think you are gorgeous! I just wish you would go to counseling like you said you wanted to for a while, and get some help. I know your mom or my sister would be glad to watch Ry while you go to an appointment, or you could go on a Friday when I work from home. I just want you to be okay...
Me: You are right. I'll call tomorrow.
I have gone to counseling off and on in the past for grief. Several months back I called to make an appointment to talk about body image but they didn't have an opening for a month and feeling as desperate as I did at the time, a month was too far out, so I just never made an appointment. I must have gotten my act together for a time because life just went on.
Well, this past weekend was a horrible, no good, very bad weekend in my food arena. Not only did I eat out of boredom and stress (it's not that I am ever bored...it's that my plate gets so full I'm not able to get a clear picture of priority vs. busyness and I want to accomplish SOMETHING so then I just multi-task piddly things that don't leave me feeling like I did anything right!) but I unknowingly ate a hearty helping of really yummy turkey meatballs that were likely made with egg and gluten, two of my allergens. I'm NOT exaggerating when I tell you that my stomach was so distended yesterday and last night I looked 7 months pregnant...and I'm not kidding! That's just how I looked...how I felt was like a pregnant lady in her first trimester but with 2nd and 3rd trimester cravings! Confession: I tried a new gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, soy-free chocolate chip cookie recipe and ate a dozen. I sent the rest to Em's class.
This morning at 8:30 I called the counseling office. December 8th is the first opening. Tears rimmed my eyes because it seems so far out there! I secured the time slot and breathed calmly not letting the receptionist hear the choke in my throat that was tightening from the tears that were now flowing. I even smiled as I finished up the call so as to mask my now shaky voice.
It took a lot for me to make that call. The funny thing is, just the act of making the call helped the spinning in my head at least slow down a bit.
I know I have problems. That's why I have this stupid blog. Why I feel out of control lately, I'm not sure?! One thing I do know is until December 8th at 11:00 I'm going to keep myself very, very, very, very, very, very busy. When I am busy I don't graze nor do I have time to think about food. There is a scripture in Titus that talks about the young wives being busy at home. God put it on my heart the other day. I've translated my mile-long task and to-do list to actually being busy when in reality, I've been doing the fight or flight approach. All the things that are left undone in my home are so overwhelming and seem daunting that I blow them off and survive in the day to day, accomplishing things that are daily tasks, therefore never checking off the big ticket items...
No point to this post and no eloquent way to end it. I'm spinning. I'd like to stop spinning and just be. I want to be free to finally be me.
More thoughts tomorrow...
Perspective. It's all about perspective, though. What my eye sees and what my husband sees are apparently two different things. I wish I could see what he sees 100% of the time instead of seeing through the foggy battleground that is my mind!
Me: Sweetheart, let's just talk about the elephant in the room...no pun intended, ironically...
He stared at me blankly.
Me: Sweetheart, obviously I've gained 10 lbs in the last month...I feel out of control with food and I just need to figure out how to get my head on straight! I'm sorry I'm such a freak!
Him: Adrienne, I think you are gorgeous! I just wish you would go to counseling like you said you wanted to for a while, and get some help. I know your mom or my sister would be glad to watch Ry while you go to an appointment, or you could go on a Friday when I work from home. I just want you to be okay...
Me: You are right. I'll call tomorrow.
I have gone to counseling off and on in the past for grief. Several months back I called to make an appointment to talk about body image but they didn't have an opening for a month and feeling as desperate as I did at the time, a month was too far out, so I just never made an appointment. I must have gotten my act together for a time because life just went on.
Well, this past weekend was a horrible, no good, very bad weekend in my food arena. Not only did I eat out of boredom and stress (it's not that I am ever bored...it's that my plate gets so full I'm not able to get a clear picture of priority vs. busyness and I want to accomplish SOMETHING so then I just multi-task piddly things that don't leave me feeling like I did anything right!) but I unknowingly ate a hearty helping of really yummy turkey meatballs that were likely made with egg and gluten, two of my allergens. I'm NOT exaggerating when I tell you that my stomach was so distended yesterday and last night I looked 7 months pregnant...and I'm not kidding! That's just how I looked...how I felt was like a pregnant lady in her first trimester but with 2nd and 3rd trimester cravings! Confession: I tried a new gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, soy-free chocolate chip cookie recipe and ate a dozen. I sent the rest to Em's class.
This morning at 8:30 I called the counseling office. December 8th is the first opening. Tears rimmed my eyes because it seems so far out there! I secured the time slot and breathed calmly not letting the receptionist hear the choke in my throat that was tightening from the tears that were now flowing. I even smiled as I finished up the call so as to mask my now shaky voice.
It took a lot for me to make that call. The funny thing is, just the act of making the call helped the spinning in my head at least slow down a bit.
I know I have problems. That's why I have this stupid blog. Why I feel out of control lately, I'm not sure?! One thing I do know is until December 8th at 11:00 I'm going to keep myself very, very, very, very, very, very busy. When I am busy I don't graze nor do I have time to think about food. There is a scripture in Titus that talks about the young wives being busy at home. God put it on my heart the other day. I've translated my mile-long task and to-do list to actually being busy when in reality, I've been doing the fight or flight approach. All the things that are left undone in my home are so overwhelming and seem daunting that I blow them off and survive in the day to day, accomplishing things that are daily tasks, therefore never checking off the big ticket items...
No point to this post and no eloquent way to end it. I'm spinning. I'd like to stop spinning and just be. I want to be free to finally be me.
More thoughts tomorrow...
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Time vs. Goals
So, I had a thought this morning...it occurred to me that even though I've had a goal or number in mind to reach over the years, I have functioned more within time frames, or dates of completion.
I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to explain my thought process, but let me try...
For sake of example, officially P90X is a 90 day program. What you end the program with after 90 days is the result of the workout and discipline, but what if it's not your goal weight? Of course, if you stuck with it, you'll be happy with the results regardless if you reached your goal because it's a great program, and if you didn't, you'd sign up for another round until you did.
For me, Ithink no, I know, I've been looking at certain dates or frames of time in order to accomplish my goal so when that date or event rolls around and I didn't lose those specific pounds or whatever, I get discouraged...and then I usually temporarily give up and self-sabotage.
Is this even making sense?
This is all the more reason why I need to get a lifestyle plan that works for me!
Also, the way my mind works, I need to set small, attainable goals that are not time-sensitive or time-restrictive, and work towards those. It's really semantics. It might take 3 weeks to lose 10 lbs, for example. And, it's possible that you could lose 10 lbs in 3 weeks. Same thing, but maybe thinking about it differently? Glass half-full/half-empty type of thing? However, if your goal is to lose 10 lbs and it takes 4 weeks or 7 weeks, your goal is still the same, it's not a race against time, it's a journey towards a final outcome or result.
Man, this is freeing for my head to write this out!
Maybe you've known this all along, but for me, it's been more about a race against the clock...not my biological clock but clocks like: beach vacation coming up in 4 wks, summer break/have to take kids to pool in 6 wks, shorts season approaching in 3 wks. Does anyone know what the freak I am talking about, here?!
Speaking of biological clocks, I turn 40 in two months. I'm really excited about it! I think it's kind of cool, like coming of age, finally being a grown-up :) Anyway, I was telling myself in my head that I wanted to be steady at 132 lbs by January 8th, mine and Elvis' birthday.
BUT INSTEAD!!!! I am setting a goal of 132 lbs. Today I am not there but I was just a month ago. I had a couple of rough weeks with food between then and now. But, all my new jeans fit nicely at 132 (and I can't afford to go buy the next size up and I got rid of all my old ones...so...) and I'm not totally flat chested like I was when I was down at 128 or even 130...I like a little bosom on me :) so 132 works for me. Anyway, when January 8th rolls around, I will weigh myself that day because it's part of my morning routine, but if I haven't reached my goal by then it won't throw me off, because my goal is not on a time frame, it doesn't have a deadline, but it's still motivating nonetheless.
You may be thoroughly confused, but I'm glad I figured this out! Another step towards freedom!
(FYI, I posted a fall breakfast recipe under the recipe tab...check it!)
I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to explain my thought process, but let me try...
For sake of example, officially P90X is a 90 day program. What you end the program with after 90 days is the result of the workout and discipline, but what if it's not your goal weight? Of course, if you stuck with it, you'll be happy with the results regardless if you reached your goal because it's a great program, and if you didn't, you'd sign up for another round until you did.
For me, I
Is this even making sense?
This is all the more reason why I need to get a lifestyle plan that works for me!
Also, the way my mind works, I need to set small, attainable goals that are not time-sensitive or time-restrictive, and work towards those. It's really semantics. It might take 3 weeks to lose 10 lbs, for example. And, it's possible that you could lose 10 lbs in 3 weeks. Same thing, but maybe thinking about it differently? Glass half-full/half-empty type of thing? However, if your goal is to lose 10 lbs and it takes 4 weeks or 7 weeks, your goal is still the same, it's not a race against time, it's a journey towards a final outcome or result.
Man, this is freeing for my head to write this out!
Maybe you've known this all along, but for me, it's been more about a race against the clock...not my biological clock but clocks like: beach vacation coming up in 4 wks, summer break/have to take kids to pool in 6 wks, shorts season approaching in 3 wks. Does anyone know what the freak I am talking about, here?!
Speaking of biological clocks, I turn 40 in two months. I'm really excited about it! I think it's kind of cool, like coming of age, finally being a grown-up :) Anyway, I was telling myself in my head that I wanted to be steady at 132 lbs by January 8th, mine and Elvis' birthday.
BUT INSTEAD!!!! I am setting a goal of 132 lbs. Today I am not there but I was just a month ago. I had a couple of rough weeks with food between then and now. But, all my new jeans fit nicely at 132 (and I can't afford to go buy the next size up and I got rid of all my old ones...so...) and I'm not totally flat chested like I was when I was down at 128 or even 130...I like a little bosom on me :) so 132 works for me. Anyway, when January 8th rolls around, I will weigh myself that day because it's part of my morning routine, but if I haven't reached my goal by then it won't throw me off, because my goal is not on a time frame, it doesn't have a deadline, but it's still motivating nonetheless.
You may be thoroughly confused, but I'm glad I figured this out! Another step towards freedom!
(FYI, I posted a fall breakfast recipe under the recipe tab...check it!)
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Made for Greatness!
One reason I am so passionate about conquering this addiction is the time and energy that is spent on any one given day.
I have wasted so many years of my life wishing I was skinnier or had thighs like her or a flat belly! It's frustrating and I'm not going to let it run my thoughts anymore!
He intended for our hearts to be consumed with love, our minds to enjoy peaceful thoughts and our bodies to move and function in total health. And, this not only for ourselves but so that we could encourage others. Imbalance and stress or overemphasis in one area or another causes us to get out of whack. Random examples: instead of love we hold onto offense, allowing bitterness and resentment to build up in our hearts...then our minds follow suit and it's all we can think about, how so and so hurt us and we'll never let them forget it...and then, that offense hardens our hearts and literally builds up in our bodies manifesting itself in so many different ways, ie. over-eating or eating junk, addiction, not taking care of ourselves, even obsessing about weight loss/management or exercise, etc...all things that can lead to disease...all things that are self, self, selfish.
No. Nope. Nosiree. When God made me I know He made me for greater things than food addiction and self-loathing! It's so interesting, really...you see, I believe we are tempted or slyly lured away by the Devil by things that are the opposite of what we were made for or how we are meant to impact our world. Example: My name is Adrienne. It means "Rich, Bold and Confident" however, looking back at different seasons in my life, I have struggled with insecurity, poverty of heart, and never feeling like I am good or pretty enough.
If you ask any one of my closest friends what my passion in life is they would answer, "Adrienne LOVES women and wants to see them know just how in love God is with them!" If you don't believe me, call this number: 867-5309. Just kidding. Not so sure my friends want their cell numbers posted in the blogosphere. Anyway.
But seriously.
I believe that if I keep on allowing myself to be side-tracked with food addiction and its effects, I will be side-tracked from doing what I was meant to do and what I love to do most: ENCOURAGE WOMEN!
Now, I love the guys, too, don't get me wrong, but High School is the earliest memory of really wanting to encourage and inspire women to be who God made them to be. So, I go with it. I know there's someone else out there wired with the same passion to encourage and challenge men towards greatness, so I'm not worried about them missing out :)
So, there you have it...the driving force behind my desire to be healed and free! I've pissed enough of this life away on this topic! It's like I'm Eve, stuck at that damn tree with the frigging apple dangling in her face!
Move away from the tree, Adrienne...and move on to bigger and better things!
I have wasted so many years of my life wishing I was skinnier or had thighs like her or a flat belly! It's frustrating and I'm not going to let it run my thoughts anymore!
I know that when God designed me, and when He designed you, He had greatness in mind.
Greatness!
And, He designed us in a way, like Himself, in His image, to live and love BIG!
He intended for our hearts to be consumed with love, our minds to enjoy peaceful thoughts and our bodies to move and function in total health. And, this not only for ourselves but so that we could encourage others. Imbalance and stress or overemphasis in one area or another causes us to get out of whack. Random examples: instead of love we hold onto offense, allowing bitterness and resentment to build up in our hearts...then our minds follow suit and it's all we can think about, how so and so hurt us and we'll never let them forget it...and then, that offense hardens our hearts and literally builds up in our bodies manifesting itself in so many different ways, ie. over-eating or eating junk, addiction, not taking care of ourselves, even obsessing about weight loss/management or exercise, etc...all things that can lead to disease...all things that are self, self, selfish.
No. Nope. Nosiree. When God made me I know He made me for greater things than food addiction and self-loathing! It's so interesting, really...you see, I believe we are tempted or slyly lured away by the Devil by things that are the opposite of what we were made for or how we are meant to impact our world. Example: My name is Adrienne. It means "Rich, Bold and Confident" however, looking back at different seasons in my life, I have struggled with insecurity, poverty of heart, and never feeling like I am good or pretty enough.
If you ask any one of my closest friends what my passion in life is they would answer, "Adrienne LOVES women and wants to see them know just how in love God is with them!" If you don't believe me, call this number: 867-5309. Just kidding. Not so sure my friends want their cell numbers posted in the blogosphere. Anyway.
But seriously.
I believe that if I keep on allowing myself to be side-tracked with food addiction and its effects, I will be side-tracked from doing what I was meant to do and what I love to do most: ENCOURAGE WOMEN!
Now, I love the guys, too, don't get me wrong, but High School is the earliest memory of really wanting to encourage and inspire women to be who God made them to be. So, I go with it. I know there's someone else out there wired with the same passion to encourage and challenge men towards greatness, so I'm not worried about them missing out :)
So, there you have it...the driving force behind my desire to be healed and free! I've pissed enough of this life away on this topic! It's like I'm Eve, stuck at that damn tree with the frigging apple dangling in her face!
Move away from the tree, Adrienne...and move on to bigger and better things!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Insane in the membrane!
I just did INSANITY.
Not quite sure why I did that...
I mean, I like to work out hard, but I was having flashbacks of high school basketball practice and our skinny Italian coach yelling at us girls to "Get on the line!" It paid off. His training did take us to State 3 years in a row, but seriously, I'm pushing 40, and my hip pops constantly. (Don't tell Tony Horton, but I think I'll stick to my P90X...it's a little more age appropriate for this old body :))
Anyway, my mom asked me a question the other day that made me smile. She said, "I guess I just don't understand why you had to hide in the closet to eat."
I am a black and white person, very literal, up is up, down is down. But, I never actually sat in my closet and ate. One time I sat in my closet and cried but that was because I thought it was a good idea to try to dye my hair the night before I was heading out of town for my friend's wedding...let's just say, my bangs were orange, kinda like Tang. I actually looked like an orangutan. Thankfully Jason offered to run to the store at midnight and I showed up in Houston as a "natural" brunette.
The title of this blog came to my heart as a result of looking back, trying to get to the core of when and where and how my relationship with myself and food went awry. I think you probably knew that, but in case you pictured me eating food in my closet, it's more of a mentality...and I've "outed" myself, if you will.
The very act of outing myself has helped somewhat.
Honestly, and this is of no surprise, what is helping the most is changing my thoughts...and this not by my own strength. In March I started hand-writing the Bible. I've read it a lot, but actually writing it down word for word has been a beautiful discipline for me, physically and mentally. I've been ridding myself of excess busyness in my life, even good busyness, and as a result, had told God I didn't want all the great thoughts of any old author or study but wanted to sit and learn from The Ultimate Author.
I highly recommend it. God's a really smart Guy. Don't let your heart get preoccupied with all the details of history, the lineages, the future, or even all the "why's?" you might have. Just God. Who He is. How He desires to be known. Plain and simple. Getting to know God the way He wants to be known instead of through the pictures that religion has tried to paint is a much more beautiful journey. Getting to know God is not a formula. It a relationship that takes time and effort, give and take, talking and listening.
But, if we're doing all the talking, we'll never get to know Him. Ever. Don't believe me? Think about meeting a new person. If you talk the whole time, will you learn anything about the new person? I mean, besides that they are a good listener, or very patient?
Anyway, spending time handwriting His word has been more fulfilling than any pan of brownies. Doesn't mean I don't like brownies. I do. But I like God more. And I daily have to choose God over the other things I want to fill my life with, no matter how good they may be.
I want God plain and simple.
He wants the same from me...
Not quite sure why I did that...
I mean, I like to work out hard, but I was having flashbacks of high school basketball practice and our skinny Italian coach yelling at us girls to "Get on the line!" It paid off. His training did take us to State 3 years in a row, but seriously, I'm pushing 40, and my hip pops constantly. (Don't tell Tony Horton, but I think I'll stick to my P90X...it's a little more age appropriate for this old body :))
Anyway, my mom asked me a question the other day that made me smile. She said, "I guess I just don't understand why you had to hide in the closet to eat."
I am a black and white person, very literal, up is up, down is down. But, I never actually sat in my closet and ate. One time I sat in my closet and cried but that was because I thought it was a good idea to try to dye my hair the night before I was heading out of town for my friend's wedding...let's just say, my bangs were orange, kinda like Tang. I actually looked like an orangutan. Thankfully Jason offered to run to the store at midnight and I showed up in Houston as a "natural" brunette.
The title of this blog came to my heart as a result of looking back, trying to get to the core of when and where and how my relationship with myself and food went awry. I think you probably knew that, but in case you pictured me eating food in my closet, it's more of a mentality...and I've "outed" myself, if you will.
The very act of outing myself has helped somewhat.
Honestly, and this is of no surprise, what is helping the most is changing my thoughts...and this not by my own strength. In March I started hand-writing the Bible. I've read it a lot, but actually writing it down word for word has been a beautiful discipline for me, physically and mentally. I've been ridding myself of excess busyness in my life, even good busyness, and as a result, had told God I didn't want all the great thoughts of any old author or study but wanted to sit and learn from The Ultimate Author.
I highly recommend it. God's a really smart Guy. Don't let your heart get preoccupied with all the details of history, the lineages, the future, or even all the "why's?" you might have. Just God. Who He is. How He desires to be known. Plain and simple. Getting to know God the way He wants to be known instead of through the pictures that religion has tried to paint is a much more beautiful journey. Getting to know God is not a formula. It a relationship that takes time and effort, give and take, talking and listening.
But, if we're doing all the talking, we'll never get to know Him. Ever. Don't believe me? Think about meeting a new person. If you talk the whole time, will you learn anything about the new person? I mean, besides that they are a good listener, or very patient?
Anyway, spending time handwriting His word has been more fulfilling than any pan of brownies. Doesn't mean I don't like brownies. I do. But I like God more. And I daily have to choose God over the other things I want to fill my life with, no matter how good they may be.
I want God plain and simple.
He wants the same from me...
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