Freedom in Confessing

So, in the back of my head, a thought has lurked...for over a year now.

I'm not promoting it, plugging it, or getting kick backs, so I just want to lay that out now.  I forgot to post this post last year about it, so here is a link I just found among my "drafts."  This post has a lot of my personal history of hCG...

Anyway, on my "Diet Reviews" page I talk about hCG.  At least for me, maybe other hCGers would disagree, but for me, "hCG" is always a thought in the back of my head whenever I spin out of control or "tip the scale."  And by a "thought that has lurked" over the last year, I literally mean, is has plagued my mind until very recently, numerous times throughout the day.

So, I've been praying about it.  Not praying if I should do it again or not or flaky praying like, "Oh dear Jesus, since I keep thinking about it, it must be a sign from You telling me to do hCG..."  Not that kind of praying.

Praying for God to take those plaguing thoughts AWAY and replace them with loving thoughts toward myself.

I'm not kidding.  In the course of one day, I saw two license plates with HCG as the three final letters.  There's no telling what the Enemy of our hearts will do to monopolize our thoughts from living freely and focusing on things that are more important than thighs that "HIGH-FIVE" every time they cross paths!  I REALIZE THIS!  THERE ARE STARVING PEOPLE AND SLAVE-TRAFFICKED CHILDREN AND WOMEN BEING ABUSED BY THEIR HUSBANDS AND LOTS OF MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN THE WORLD...THAT'S WHY IT'S BEEN FRUSTRATING TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS CONTINUALLY BE AT MY DOORSTEP!

hCG was a great jump start for me, especially to figure out my food sensitivities, but I tell you what.  The structure.  The results.  I mean, I hadn't seen my triceps EVER and who knew the lunges I had done for years on freaking end had really produced muscles in my thighs since there was still a coating of fat covering them?  Who knew?!

So, all that to say, in the last 3 months as I've gone up and down 10 to 15 pounds, hCG has been my mental scapegoat, thinking to myself, "Well, if I can't get my act together, I can always do that...one more time..."

But, BUT, BUTTTTTTTT!  I want to tell you!  The discouragement was only part of the picture and I knew in my heart doing hCG one more time was NOT the answer.

Literally, Jesus was.  Is.  The.  Answer.

No more excuses.  No more abusing my body by bingeing and then wallowing in shame and guilt.  Which, here's an acronym I learned recently to describe the mentality and faulty thinking which lies deep beneath a BINGE:

Believing
I'm
Not
Good
Enough

The morning after Easter I woke up feeling a freedom I'm not so sure I've ever felt.  I had eaten way too much, and consumed several of my allergens on Easter so felt horribly, both physically and emotionally, when I had gone to bed Sunday night.  I had even planned to just head out and buy "one more bottle of hCG" just to snap out of it.  Just to "get your friggin' act together, Adrienne!"

But, Monday morning I woke up free.

Eff.

Arr.

Eee.

Eee.

FREE!

I wasn't hungry.  I wasn't thinking about food.  I crept quietly to the kitchen where I keep my Bible on my desk and opened it to feast for a bit.  I sat quietly with the Lord and thanked Him for the sense of renewal and that my thoughts were literally clear from all things hCG.

And, all week, I have walked in this freedom.  None of my circumstances have changed.  I'm still working upwards of 80 hours a week coordinating my non-profit organization to get it off the ground to host a Midwest retreat in less than two months.  (If you live in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa or anywhere around the Midwest, here's a link. )

Anyway, my point in sharing is this:  God gets all the glory in this.  I have tried, and tried, and tried, and tried my whole life, with my own strength, and my own effort, and failed miserably.  Every.  Single.  Time.

I finally stopped asking God to bless my effort.

I don't have time to selfishly allow food to consume my thoughts.  There is too much to do in the world and I have way too many dreams to allow an addiction to hold me back.

It seems as I am learning to love myself God is showing me more and more how He's loved me this whole time, even when I hated myself the most...


*What are your dreams?  What do you think is holding you back from running with the dreams the Lord literally put into your DNA?!  Are they worth the addiction?!

Pub Crawl

Remember that part about loving myself?  And "dating" myself?  And sitting down for meals where I don't multi-task one other thing?

Yeah, I barely remember either.

In all honesty, I've been trying to be more conscious of the meals I eat, sitting at the table to remember that I even ate a meal, some of the time, at least.

But old habits are hard to break!

I've been on a Pub Crawl for what seems the last month.  I wish I was eating German pretzels when I say "Pub Crawl" but I mean life has been so busy that I've found myself eating at the counter or eating Ryan's leftovers or just eating crap in general...food I know isn't good for my body.  I don't even drink beer because it reminds me of some dumb choices in 9th grade and an all night affair I had with my friend's porcelain commode...So, by "Pub Crawl" I simply mean, who has time to sit down and eat lately?!  And, pub food is usually gross, so I guess I'm suggesting that, as well.

I don't do well without consistent routine.  And that's been gone for the last two weeks of my life.

The reason is good:  Em's had two weeks of Spring Break because her school is great!  However, it always seems to take me off guard as I'm coasting along in a routine and then, WHAMO!  What?  Oh yeah, you have a two week break.  Sweet!  We get to hang out! 

And, so I don't ignore her and just plop her down in front of cartoons for two weeks, I chuck everything else to the curb.  Yes.  For those therapists out there reading, clearly I'm the co-dependent.

But I will confess this as a mom:  I AM NOT A CRAFTER MOM.

Yes.  I know how to sew.  Yes.  I have my own jewelry making business.  Yes.  There are paints and canvas's and even ancient card making supplies from the early '90s deep down in my basement.  However, I'm a Mom, not an El. Ed. Major so that's just one of the reasons I wasn't stellar at homeschooling.

For those of you who rock at craftiness AND early childhood education, I think you are fabulous!  Can my kids come over and color at your house?

I'm the mom who would rather go to the Zoo or Museum or Park or on a Road Trip or have Friends Over  or read a great book on the couch together snuggled up all day, than get out paper and glue and scissors and markers and pretend I know what to do with them...

Em goes back to school tomorrow.  I'm going to miss her.  She is growing up really, really fast.  But I'm not going to lie.  I need Em to go back to school.  And let's be honest, she's ready, too!

All I know is, in my head I'm learning more how to love myself...now I just need to move that pertinent information from my head into my heart "inbox."

*On a practical note:  I feel like I need a "reset" after these last 2 wks.  I'm going to juice this week and just eat greens and some lean proteins.  And I'm going to write it down.  This is one thing I haven't done in ages and I think it will help me get my head on so I can keep moving forward to freedom from food addiction.

Book by the Cover

We've all heard it before, "Never judge a book by its cover."  But let's be honest, we do.

I'm not going to lie, sometimes I pick up a bottle of wine because I like the font or pretty picture or artistic expression or even the country represented on the label.  Clearly I'm not a professional sommelier.  I don't always do this, mind you :)

And what about first impressions?  What about those, huh?


Do you size people up from your first encounter with them?


We all have.  We think, "I don't have anything in common with that person..."  And truth is, we don't, because we never discovered that we actually do have 17 things in common.  17 is a lot, but we never even got to 1 because we gave them the up and down look and assumed either we were better than them or they better than us.

I wear my black workout pants at least 6 out of 7 days a week.  I'll be honest, I put on my black leisure suit, I mean work out clothes, to motivate myself to hopefully get a workout in that day.  I don't wear them all day long, you know, because I do shower once in a while, but, if you happen to run into me on consecutive days, at random times, it's quite possible you'll see me in my black Adidas "mom" outfit and think: A, I only have one outfit in my life, B I'm super athletic and have the vitals of an Olympic athlete, C I never wash my clothes, D I'm smelly and unclean, E I'm sponsored by Adidas, F I'm color blind, G I'm CatWoman.

Any of those assumptions could very well be true, save maybe the color-blind part, clearly.

But seriously, aren't you tired?  Aren't you tired of being judged by your cover?  Aren't you exhausted?

I mean, we ALL have PUBLIC personas...that is, we clean up to some degree (even if it's a black on black workout leisure suit) when we take a step out our front doors.  I for sure brush my teeth and fill in my very faint eyebrows.  Sometimes I even put on mascara.

But when we compare our PRIVATE personas with other peoples' PUBLIC personas, we're pretty much toast.  I mean, seriously.  Before the truth was ever revealed that photos were "retouched" in magazines, I literally thought models were born perfect.  Jerks.




Now I know that if I had a make up artist, hair stylist, camera man and photo "retoucher", I'd be the hottest girl on my block, too.  Heck, the video above shows you that we could all do the SI Swimsuit Issue.  Crop, crop, crop.

What is my point?  Have you ever wished people knew you for who you really are inside?  Do you long to be known for your heart and not for what you do?  Are you tired of comparing yourself to every one else who totally rocks, believing the lie that you don't totally rock, as well?

Well guess what?!  You were designed with extraordinary in mind!  And you aren't the only one!  God made each and every one of us in His image.  This may be difficult for some to believe as we look around at the PUBLIC personas and COVERS that some portray.  Especially the crunchy, crusty, creepy, cranky ones.  Or the ones that come across without a flaw.

We all need work.  We all have reasons for the way we live, react, treat others.  They are not excuses.  There is no excuse for the behavior I am currently reading about in "Half the Sky" by Kristof and WuDunn.  If you think there are excuses for treating others poorly because we've experienced pain or disappointment, then I could treat everyone like crap because I lost my baby.  I'm sorry, that doesn't hold weight.  It absolutely broke my heart, but it doesn't give me an excuse to give up on life, especially because I'm still here, for whatever reason God sees fit, or to be a cranky, crusty woman with a short fuse.

Again, what is my point?  Well, when I was writing up a "bio" for myself for my non-profit organization, here's what I came up with:

• Optimistic, maybe to a fault, Adrienne took to heart the words of her Kindergarten teacher, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” and “Do to others what you would want them to do to you.”  Some say everything we ever needed to know we learned in Kindergarten.  Who knows?  But these two principles, when it comes to women, are the underlying force behind Adrienne’s desire to build bridges between women as we celebrate the uniqueness with which we were created.  A hopeful peacemaker and team player, Adrienne believes as we each begin to walk with confidence in the gifts and strengths we were given, comparison will no longer be the goal but instead women coming together, working alongside one another, living a story meant to be told, and radically changing the world in which we all live.

Not sure it's the one I'll use, but it's my heart.  A middle-child peacemaker who truly believes we can all just get along.  

As we head into this weekend, the most powerful of weekends that's ever taken place in the Universe, I am grateful that Jesus did what He did so when I get caught up in the lies of daily living, I can look to Him and hope for an eternal picture that is much bigger and tells a much more profound story than the one I often find myself in.  

Our lives may not seem extraordinary in the day to day, but if we open the pages of our stories, the books that we each represent, we'll find God writing something quite magnificent in each of us, for His glory.

However, this truth remains:  it's the loss of the other person who just sizes you up by your Cover.

Busy Bee

Why is it that kids won't share their toys or licks of their ice cream cones but when it comes to germs, they share, share, share?

Ryan got the nasty nose/cough/fever/aches 2 weeks ago.  The last few times he's been sick it has settled in his chest.  Let's just say we've hung out a lot in the steamy bathroom this winter.

I, of course, am his mom, and knew it was a matter of time...it's hard not to kiss him, so I don't hold myself back...

Em got it second.  Thankfully her bout was pretty mild.

I got it third and am downing:  Wellness Formula, Vitamin C, EmergenC, Umcka, Chlorophyll, homeopathic respiratory tinctures, probiotics, with a swig of NyQuill here and there.

Today when I redeemed my birthday pedicure my left eye was watering like the floodgates of Heaven.  I really hope the guy, due to our language barrier, didn't think I was so moved by his leg massage and the new found smoothness of my feet that it had actually moved me to tears.  Left sided tears, that is...

Anyway.  I've been really working on eating 3 meals a day.  And for the most part, due to a lack of creativity and a super time crunch, I pretty much just eat 3 salads with lots of veggies and some meat on them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I've come up with some winners.  Others were for sure losers.  I'll share the winners when I have more time.  But NOT snacking, even on healthy snacks, has been a tough habit to change...

Last week I didn't weigh in because I didn't feel like it.  And I had my period.  Which is why I didn't feel like it.  But I went below the 140 mark again, so that felt good.

I won't be weighing in on Friday of this week because I'm headed out of town early tomorrow morning.  I felt like I should tell you this because, well, I just didn't want to be a slacker, that's all.

I'm craving sweets lately, trying to stave it off with dates and figs.  This works, especially since dates are so darn sweet, but it's still sugar, and I, for one, need to watch my sugar intake.  It doesn't work, staving it off that is, when I don't actually stave it off with dates and figs but instead make my hubby and kid a 1/2 batch of gluten free rice krispie treats that I help them polish off.

So, did I mention now Jason is sick?  And this sucks because I'm leaving town tomorrow morning through Sunday and he's the man in charge.  Thankfully the kids have already been sick so they won't be getting it again, but if you think of it, say a prayer for the guy as he single parents, works from home, and has a head full of snot.  Sweet.

But FOR SURE, he is husband of the year.  HANDS DOWN.  He knows how passionate I am about what I'm doing and he worked his schedule so I could go...

This is what I've been up to and what I'll be working on in Minneapolis over the weekend.  I'm headed there to meet an amazing volunteer group of women who are already praying for this endeavor!  More to come on this!  (The website isn't complete as there are a couple of pages yet to be published, but it gives you an idea of the overall vision and dream...)

I'm excited but have been so anxious all day that all I've wanted to do is eat.  I've chugged hot tea most of the day instead...

And for those of you who know me, it's definitely my M.O. to be typing a blog post at 10pm prior to leaving for a trip in the morning when I should be packing...because I work best under pressure...but I do need to go pack, so see ya!

*When you are stressed, or in a time crunch, what do you do to try to avoid it?  Or do you just tackle it head on?  Any tips or advice would be welcomed :)

A Fun Opportunity

So, I'm getting ready to re-launch my non-profit organization, Bevy, so I have been cleaning up some of my accounts.  I had neglected Twitter for several months because, well, frankly, I'm on Facebook more and hadn't really learned the ins and outs of Twitter...still don't really know them...

Anyway, yesterday I was updating my Twitter "bio" if you will, and took out the "Radio Show Host" part since I don't host my own show anymore.  Remember this:

Anyway, then, earlier this afternoon my friend Ginger sent me a text and asked if I wanted to jump in as a guest co-host on her friend's radio show tomorrow morning.

So, Jenny Dean Schmidt has graciously asked me to co-host her www.channelmom.com show bright and early on St. Patrick's Day.  And she didn't even know I'm a little Scotch-Irish...

We had a chance to speak earlier this afternoon and it was a great time of hearing each others' stories.  I'm looking forward to meeting her in person tomorrow as we interview two moms who are also both authors.

...And their topics:  Parenting and Food.

Huh....I'm a parent and I love to eat, so this should work out seemingly :)

Jenny was so excited because she had spent a little time on this blog and my Closet Eater Blog, so thinks I'll be a good fit for talking with the moms tomorrow.

We'll be interviewing Anne Wiggins, co-author of "Parenting from the Heights" and Beth Aldrich, author of "Real Moms Love to Eat."


So, who's with me?  Who wants to wake up at the crack of dawn and cheer me on LIVE?  Huh?  Huh?

Just go here tomorrow morning at 8:00 am Mountain Time:  www.channelmom.com and go to the channelmom Radio page and follow the instructions.

And, if you are local, it'll be on 93.7 FM

Goodnight!