Day 1, number 8 billion and 36...

...or something like that.

In my new food/weight loss journal, I am on page 11.

Of the 11 page entries, 3 of those pages are titled, "Day 1."

Today is the third of those days...

I'm not sure why I have the need to start over each time I make a mistake and don't stick with an eating plan. (I just changed the "don't" in the previous sentence from "can't" which I had initially typed...because, let's be honest, I can stick to an eating plan and so can you. We are able. It's that I don't make the choice to, at times.) As I was just out on the hammock enjoying 5 minutes of quiet on this beautiful summer day, I think I actually figured out WHY I keep drafting "Day 1's."

It's my own self-driven desire for perfection. Why do I think I need to be perfect? No one is perfect. I'm not even sure anyone is expecting perfection from me. There is no such thing as perfect, anyway. Even models are airbrushed!

Maybe it's my innate desire to be as I was intended to be, like God created us to be way back when?

Nope. That's not it.

I'm not going to pretend it's that spiritual. Not in a good spiritual way, anyway. Actually, as I just grabbed a slice of my apple, (that's ironic...) and was about to type out a different thought, this one came to mind, "The pursuit of perfectionism is the original sin. Like original, original...like when Satan wanted to be just like God. Perfectionism makes you your own worst enemy."

Huh.

Hmmmm.

Hmm.

So then do I give up my pursuit? I mean, losing 10 lbs is not so I can look like God, it's so I don't have bat wings or a roll when I sit down.

No. I don't think I need to give up the pursuit of losing 10 lbs and being healthy. I just need to change my mind, my thinking, my perspective and come to the realization that even when I do lose 10 lbs, I won't. Be. Perfect.

So, on a practical note, I also think I've had lots of "Day 1's" because many of the eating plans I've followed are 3 or 4 phases of 2 to 3 weeks a piece, and they build on the success and adherence of the previous phase. But, I think my head has become too legalistic, so, starting today, on this "Day 1" of the next 8 weeks, I will write the rest of the days in my journal in sequential order.

And, if I have a day that is less than satisfactory, I will journal it. I will simply just write it down.

I know. It seems like this should be obvious, nothing near rocket science, but for me, it's like a brand new discovery. I'm only on "Day 1" yet this revelation to write out the good, the bad and the ugly, but without making a new "Day 1" each time I mess up is kind of exciting! You see, I'm a really good starter, but the follow through is touch and go sometimes, especially if something seems to be dragging on or has lost my interest. And, I imagine with my unhealthy drive for perfection, writing down something that "outs" my failures isn't something I want to see in writing. But I think it will be good for me. Part of the journey...

You know the weird part? This is all relative. I mean, for me losing 10 lbs will help me feel healthy and strong. It's not like I'm going to go send in pictures of myself to some agency, because, one, I would have to lose 30 for them, two, I don't want to be a model, and three, it's not for the recognition of anyone else.

Nope. Those 10 lbs are for me. And I know I can do this.

Triple C's

Last week was a roller coaster. I was doing splendidly, eating all the right foods (lots of green stuff and colored veggies, good proteins), felt fantastic, physically and mentally, and then WHAM-O! I was hit like a ton of bricks with strep throat. At first I thought it was just sinus stuff because that can affect your throat, but then I got a text from my friend whose little girl had spent the night over the weekend reporting that she had it.

After two days of tolerating the pain, I woke up as the main act in the sword swallowing act at the circus. I will be on antibiotics for two weeks! Arghhhhhh!

The crazy thing, which isn't crazy b/c I know what drugs can do, but I had lost 4.5 lbs in 3 days last week by eating so healthily and taking out all my allergens. And then WHAM-O! As soon as I started taking the antibiotics and sucking on sugary throat drops, the scale said I had gained 5 lbs. Seriously?! But yeah, even though antibiotics kill bad bugs, they also kill the good ones that we need in our bodies, so, it's obvious that I'd retain lots of excess fluids in my cells while I'm on the drugs.

Anyway, yesterday I needed chocolate chip cookies. I was even so desperate that I entertained the thought of making them with gluten-y wheat flour, knowing I'd stink for a few days. Actually, I wanted them so badly that I even thought of asking Jason to bring one home from the grocery store bakery...and let me tell ya, that's gotta be desperate because, really, how good can those waxy things actually be?!

Yeah, I thought about them.

I tried to ward off the evil thoughts.

I thought about them again and again and assured myself just a few chocolate chips would suffice...they didn't...not even a couple dozen chocolate chips sufficed...

I finally decided I just needed to go ahead and whip up a batch, eat some, and be done with the pestering thoughts, already.

So, that's what I did.

And I made them super big. They were so stinking delicious! I ate 5, as well as dough while I scooped them up. I'd show you pictures, you know, all fancy blog style, like, "Here's me cracking an egg if you've never cracked a stinking egg ever in your life", "This is my batter in my fancy mixer" and "This is me scooping dough onto parchment paper like a real chef." But, I ate them up too fast, then gave them to Em and Jason, then bagged them and shipped them off to work with Jason so I didn't have to look at them again...so that's why I don't have visual aids.

And guess what?! It worked.

Making the cookies, eating some up, enjoying them, but not wanting to eat another and then getting them out of my house totally worked.

I don't need cookies anymore. Today I enjoyed my eggs and spinach and didn't want cookies. I'll eat them again one day, but now I know how I need to do it.

I need to make them as a batch for other people or events where many people are involved, not only the people who live in my house, then give some to Jason and Em, you know, the hot fresh ones, then ship the rest off for the enjoyment of others, as well.

How do you get the cravings out of your house?

Testing, testing...

So, not too long ago I would have freaked out if the scale read a pound or two more than the previous day.

I'm not exaggerating. For reals.

And by "freaked out" I mean, I would have obsessed, thought I was a failure, given up for that particular day, and thought, "Oh well, I'm destined to suck at losing weight!" And thought it was darned near the end of the world...except we all know that already came and went :)

Previously I said on here that I wouldn't recommend weighing on a scale each day. I would like to retract that statement...I said it when I was mad at the scale. I have a better relationship with it now.

It's my scientific friend.

Let me give you an idea of what the scale has shown me in the last week:

• Monday: 148.6 (Had just come off a weekend of eating whatever the heck I wanted...I guess I'll need to define what that means at some point because my "whatever the heck I wanted" is different from the next guys...)
• Tuesday: 147.4 (Monday I made some simple changes, got rid of the processed carbs but ate lots of veggies, some fruit, chicken and steak...)
• Wednesday: 144.4 (On Tuesday I had lots of veggies, meat and fruit, some red wine with dinner and then a cupcake for dessert...I was at a going away party, what can I say? But, either way, I still lost a boatload of lbs. from the previous day.)
• Thursday: 144.2 (On Wednesday I had a second gluten-free chocolate cupcake with butter cream frosting b/c if it's around, I want to eat them, and, I had paid good money for those cupcakes, so wasn't going to allow "no-carbs" to get in my way. Why lie, right?)
• Friday: 145.2 (So, Thursday I had eaten Greek yogurt. I ate it in lieu of taking my normal daily pro-biotic supplements. I wanted to see what getting my pro-biotics through dairy would do to me because I have a dairy allergy. Well, apparently it encourages my body to retain fluids, aka toxins in my fat. I also had a yummy pina colada that my hubby made me...I'm pretty sure that was a culprit, as well, but after the week we've had, you would have had one, too!)

Now, could it have been that the 2 cupcakes caught up with me? After the first one I ate, I had lost 3 pounds from the previous day. So, I don't think it was that. Honestly, I've approached this last week as an experimental one so I could see what foods were culprits, journaling my food intake, how I've felt in the mornings...basically testing food and its effect on me.

Now, obviously, if I'm trying to cut out high-glycemic carbohydrates and sugars for a time, eating two cupcakes and having a pina colada won't help. But, they showed me that my body is sensitive to sugars, that is for sure.

Here were my constants each day, these things never changed:

• 3 servings of lean proteins (eggs, chicken, fish, beef - I have low iron so need the beef)
  
• 4-5 servings of veggies
• 1-2 servings of fruit, ie; apples or strawberries
• Organic lemon detox tea w/lemon each morning
• Organic green tea
  
• RAW Green powder drink each day
• Apple Cider Vinegar and Flax Oil
• Supplements: my multi-vitamin w/pro-biotics and omega fish oil
  
• At least ten 8oz glasses of water throughout the day

So there you go. I am not freaked that I gained a pound because it's more intriguing to know what foods bother me. Today, Friday, I have eaten just like listed above, minus any sweets. I did have the remainder of the Greek yogurt with Stevia and cinnamon in it. Usually I eat coconut yogurt, but it doesn't have ANY protein in it, which is part of the point of consuming pro-biotic yogurt. My friend, however, just told me about a good trick to change that: add a scoop of protein powder (I buy "Garden of Life" RAW protein b/c it doesn't contain any of my allergens...you can buy something yummier like whey, pea, or egg protein) to the coconut yogurt and, voila, I have yogurt that contains both pro-biotics and protein! I will try that soon.

It will be interesting to see what the scale says tomorrow.

Even after the week we have had, I didn't eat emotionally, nor did I obsess about the scale or what foods I was consuming. My goal is still between 135 and 140, but I feel like I've got my head on my shoulders, presently.

And I'm on this journey, one day at a time.

Blank

This is going to be quick because my heated blankie is upstairs waiting for me. And by "heated blankie" I don't mean Jason. I mean an actual blanket, the best Christmas present I have ever received, and it was something I had put away for the season, but, it's been pulled back out since Spring won't spring!

Anyway, I do know this is all trivial in light of what people throughout the Midwest and South are experiencing. I really am praying for them and asking God to show me a practical way to be of assistance from this far away. I have driven through Joplin probably 50 times in my life from AZ to MI and then in college from OK up to SD and MN. I have family and many friends that live in Minneapolis. I have heard stories. I have seen pictures. I have watched the news. I am praying.

I don't feel much about writing on the topic of food today. I have written my food entries and my weight in my food journal. I picked up another book at the library yesterday that I've been on the wait list for now for 2 months. It's called The 17 Day Diet by Dr. Mike Moreno. I had researched it while I was on the wait list and from what I have gathered, it's similar in approach to The Fat Flush Plan. It also incorporates some of what is in The 4-Hour Body...and basically that is, eat lean proteins, lots of veggies, eat or take probiotics, eat low-glycemic fruits before 2pm, good fats like olive oil and omegas, and low amounts of carbs, carbs coming from legumes or veggies.

This is all stuff I know. And it works. And I know that, too. Don't eat white stuff...

This book, as well as the wired guy from The 4-Hour Body book, said that in order to really stick to your plan and get results, you had to journal or document with pictures and writing, and you had to make your journey known. Either with a buddy who would do it along with you, or an online journal, or something. I haven't wanted to tell you that stuff. Not sure if I will, yet, or ever. Just writing has been a baby step for me. But if I could do this with somebody else, it might work better? I don't know. When I have worked out with friends in the past, at some point, we have mutually brought each other down, or cheated and not really been tough on the other. Not sure what I want. Not a lot of people want to go public with their struggles, let alone their weight and measurements...

Anyway, I want to be done with this blog, that I know. Not because it's vulnerable but because it's lame that I have to even "go there" in order to be free from it.

The forgiveness part has been huge for me. My eye surgery has been huge, too, for some reason. One of my biggest driving points is my daughter. She is the age I was when this whole stupid journey began. More than anything, I want her to live a life free of this struggle. I have kept it on the DL as much as possible, from her. I watched people I loved yo-yo diet and it's not what I want to model to my kids at all. We don't even use that word...

I am on a search for balance. I know my body is different from yours and the guy's next door. So, my journey will be different. But the balance part, my view of food and view of myself, those are things that are coming closer to center than being way out in left field. I just don't want to spend a whole lot more time actually caring about my weight when there are far more important things to care about in the world...like real people, with real hearts, that long to tell their stories...

F...f...f...f...f...forgi....forgive...ness

Man!

Jesus said some hard stuff.

Like the one about forgiving 7 x 7o times. At least we can stop forgiving the culprit at offense number 491...it gets me through sometimes...just kidding.

So what does that mean? Let someone keep treating me like crappola? That is not what forgiveness means. It's not what Jesus meant. I think it went more like this:

• In junior high a boy told me I was fat in my bikini. I wasn't. He was just an ego-maniac and I was a 7th grader who had hit puberty. At the time I just thought he was an idiot. Over time he's proven it. After some time I forgave him. And since then, as I can still remember the kid and remember the conversation, I have had to forgive him as the offense creeps up into my heart, even as a 30+ year old.
• My freshman year of high school, a sophomore boy I thought was cute, who flirted with me even, told me I was built like a football center. I wasn't. He was. But, over the years as I've looked in the mirror his words of pure ignorance have come to mind, even though that has never been the reflection at all. I have had to forgive him, even though he has no place in my life as a grown up, because those words, those lies, come to mind even now.
• Someone I was hesitant about anyway recently went off on me cat-fight style. I was shocked. The person is younger than me, so part of me wrote it off as that, but the words the person chose were so targeted, hurtful, direct and calculated that, even after extending forgiveness, the conversation and nasty emails still creep up into the forefront of my mind sometimes, causing me to be offended by that other person...and defensive in my heart and mind. But, as their face flashes through my mind and I encounter their insincere greetings or gestures, I remember what Jesus said and say in my heart, "I forgive that person...I forgive that person...I forgive that person." I may be nearing 490 for that particular person...but maybe that's why Jesus said that number, because He knew no one would really want to keep track...
• There are more, and you could name a few, too, I would venture to guess?
  

The point is, it's not that the person continually offends me, it's that I have allowed those lies and hurtful thoughts to linger...I have held onto them. I have held them close in order to justify the walls I have built around my heart.

Jesus didn't encourage us to, "Say you are sorry 7 x 7o times." But, sometimes that's what we expect...we want the offender to be sorry. Of course that's a good thing to want, but we can't make another person feel badly about treating us like crappola. Not even holding onto unforgiveness can do that...that only makes us feel like crappola...

Instead, Jesus equipped the one whose heart would be hurt with the tool to be free, the tool of forgiveness, letting us know we will likely have to forgive that person on several occasions, perhaps for the same offense, perhaps for the repeated memories, but as we do, we will gradually know real freedom, real life, real living.

For years I have hidden and eaten for comfort...because people have said dumb things. No, because I believed their lies and tried to protect myself. Any excuse, every excuse.

I know now what they spoke were hurtful lies, not truth. And I let myself believe them.

But using food as a comfort because another hurt my feelings just lets them get the best of me...and no one but God can have that anymore!

Yes, it was their fault for opening their big mouths. We need to choose kind words.

Yes, it is up to me to forgive them. I need to choose love.

And, it's also up to me NOT to believe them but to believe what God says about me.

He doesn't think I'm fat in my bikini and He doesn't think I'm built like a football center...

...He thinks a lot more of me than either of those two really lame sentiments. Actually, God thinks the WORLD of me...which He demonstrated for me years ago on a cross...