12 Steps to Perfection

If it were that easy, we would have all been made perfect as toddlers...on our 12th step.

Except I have a toddler.  He is pretty sure footed now at 2 years old, but even this morning, he fell down a few stairs and bonked his melon, leaving a not-so-pretty hematoma on his forehead.

...glad we did Christmas pictures last weekend...even if there isn't one where we're all looking at the camera at the same time.  At least there's no hematoma, right?!

I went to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting on Monday morning at a local church.  The ladies had already been meeting for a little over a month, so part of me felt like I was intruding.  They had built time and trust together over the previous weeks, and though I'm one to jump in with two feet, they may not be willing to fling their hearts wide open to a stranger.

I guess it is what it is.  Because I'm sticking it out...

Everyone went around, shared their name and their beef.  As my turn approached, my heart was beating out of my chest and I felt nauseous.  Usually if my heart is beating out of my chest it's God's prompting, urging me to share something He has put on my heart.  When it came to me, the leader instead had the two last girls after me share first, since they were regulars.

And then it was my turn.

When I finally shared, there was no beating.  I mean, just the regular 50-60ish that keep me alive, but I guess when I shared:

"Hi!  My name is Adrienne and I've been a closet eater since 2nd grade, having food as an idol instead of my God,"

in yet again, another public setting, it just brought it more to light, exposing my hidden behaviors, lighting the way to continued freedom from the lies of false comfort and self-gratification.

It's so interesting, this journey.

Over the past 30+ years there have been years in a row where I didn't struggle one thought or iota over this whole ordeal.  Then, ironically, in the last 10 years as I've researched and studied healthy foods and why I have digestive issues/allergies/etc, I've thought more about food: what I can or cannot have. And then I guess I've thought of it too much.

But what really busts my chops is the previous 5 years, specifically.  You see, I had a son.  And he died.  And none of this is really about food at all.  It isn't.  It's about my inability to be perfect or preform perfectly here on earth.

It's about my lifelong ingrained sickness of striving.

Kristin Armstrong says in her book, Work in Progress,

"When we try to be and do the things that are outside our true selves, we turn into strivers.  

Strivers are people who endlessly struggle for perfection and end up with far less than good enough..." 

You see, in my head, having lost a child, I should have every. single. bit. of. my. act. together.  Every day.  All day.  All the time.  Act together.

In my head, I think that was ample heartache where I shouldn't ever struggle or stumble, with ANYTHING...like that was the end all, be all lesson of life learned.  And, so, when I fall down the stairs and get a hematoma, I beat myself up and think I'm an idiot because I know how to walk, and shouldn't I have learned?!

Whereas Ryan looked straight to me, his mom and his comforter, cried in my arms, rested his head on my shoulder, shed tears because of his pain, but didn't beat himself up or think himself less because he stumbled.  He simply accepted and received my nurturing and unconditional love.

I need to learn more from my toddler.  I'm taking steps.  There will likely be more than 12 steps toward healing in my future, but they will be forward and in the right direction, pointed toward the One Who is my Father and my Comforter, my Healer...my Source.  And in time, my steps will be more sure-footed, sound, firm, deeply-rooted, established in Him.

And rather than PERFECTION as the goal, I'm going to cast off that striver mentality and give it my all.  My best.  I'm going to give my whole heart to God and hope it is good enough.

"Good enough means being able to accept who and where we are with grace and gratitude and being content with ourselves as works in progress...We know we can't make it on our own or by using our old methods, so we go to the Source." - Kristin Armstrong

I Worship Food

I read The Message.  I have read the NIV for 25 years and just this year, in January, I started reading The Message as my daily bread rather than the other version I know all too well.  Making it my "daily bread" continues to be a process...sometimes I choose food.

I found this in The Message the other morning, "First you eat to live and then you live to eat."  I have found myself on the right side of the previous sentence, and let's just say, it isn't pretty.  And it isn't "right."

I'm not talking about appearances here.  I'm talking about priorities and the 10 Commandments.  I'm talking about that sentence, "First you eat to live and then you live to eat," and how the "and" is the balance for the teeter totter but I've tried to kid myself that even though I "eat clean" or avoid certain foods or know my allergies, that I'm actually "balanced."

No other god besides Me.

The truth is, I have lived to eat for so many years now that it's just become the norm.

And within Christianity, it's totally acceptable.  We should be ashamed.

No other god besides Me.

What started out as research to figure out what foods were causing bloating, gas, weight gain, dry skin, dark circles, constipation, burping, inflammation and arthritic symptoms, basically evolved into an addiction to "Food Porn."  For reals.

Why do I need an alternative to chocolate chip cookies?  Yes I'm allergic to eggs, wheat, and dairy, but to take so much time surfing the Internet to find that one amazing alternative recipe is time-not-well-spent.  Plus, I found the ultimate "alternative" recipe for chocolate chip cookies pretty close to right away, so looking any further has literally been wasted time.  And it's only led to more searching for more "alternatives."

And T.  I.  M.  E.  is my love language.

No other god besides Me.

So, here's a wake up call for me:  all the time I have spent in my life looking for alternative food recipes and worrying about being fat and bingeing on bags of chips and even allergen-friendly foods, all that time and energy, has added up to what?

I'll tell you.  It's added up to a lowercase god who has taken the place of my capital letter God.  The One and Only.  Except He hasn't been...He's been shoved aside as I've welcomed all the little guys.

No other god besides Me.

The time I've been spending in the mornings reading The Message and studying the book of Daniel, via a Beth Moore study, have shown me more than I wanted, but exposed everything in my deepest, darkest spots.

And the results?  Seriously gross stuff.

You see, when we allow all the lights to be turned on and the storage room emptied out, not all that is found and exposed will be helpful and useful.  Some of it, sure, yeah, good stuff, like certain tools and patterns of thinking or behavior that are healthy.  However, have you ever seen the show, "Hoarders?"

Sick and wrong.

Yet, that's what we have inside our lives when we lie to ourselves and believe we can stuff secrets or do it on our own strength or just muster up enough self-discipline, no matter our "vice."

The truth is, God is in love with each of us very, very, very much.  And He desires for a kind of relationship where there are no secrets between us and Him, but where there is total trust on our parts that He really is a loving God, very much interested in our intimate affairs.  He doesn't say, "No other god besides Me," because He is ego-centric.  He knows life's complications and He has all the answers...Imagine if I had always just sought Him instead of looking for instant gratification in food and other indulgences...

An old friend recently posted this song on Facebook and it's been on repeat for a few days now...I cannot get it out of my head or heart.

I know God is calling me on the carpet.

Listen a few times, google the lyrics, sit with it a few more times and ask yourself, "What in my life is an idol?"





Food has been my idol in one way or another for 30-some years.

I lay it down.

Again.

No other god besides Me.

God, I know You satisfy.  I have tasted.  You are Life.  The rest is temporary fulfillment.

So, on a practical note, one, I'm blogging this.  Two, I've told my dearest friends, openly, and, three, on Monday morning I'll be heading to Celebrate Recovery because I've been called to be a woman of God, nothing less.

Nothing less.

Accountability

I know I haven't been here in a while.

I haven't felt like writing, one because I'm sick of the same old story.  Two because, for the most part, I'm doing well.  Three, because I don't feel like I'm really encouraging anyone else when I write here, so I'm kind of like, "What's the point?" if my journey through crap and healing doesn't help anyone but me, I'm not sure the point in having this blog.

There are plenty of recipe blogs out there, and that's not the point of this place, anyway.  And, being married to a guy who helps women and children in Third World Countries makes me nauseous that I even have ever struggled with putting food first, before God, and others.

There are some scriptures about fasting in the Bible.  One of the important elements of fasting is not doing it so others look on and "ooh and ahhh" over your outward spirituality.  As a result, I hesitated from writing a couple months ago about a fast that I did because I didn't want to draw attention to it.  However, I have to say, the benefits for my heart and mind were so encouraging, that I wanted to share a snippet with you here.

So, my struggle has NEVER been that I don't eat ENOUGH food, but too much, or really, just mindlessly...seeking something, whether comfort, instant gratification, consoling, in food, rather than in God alone.  The lines of food for comfort and food for sustenance have crossed and become a blur.  I was never good at fasting, if that's something you can actually be "good" at?  There was only one other time in my life I've fasted, one, for pure reasons, and two, where God literally provided all the energy I sought.  That was when Noah was in the hospital.

Anyway, in early August I did a week long fast of water and green juice, along with my daily supplements of a multi-vitamin, probiotics, and fish-oils.  I didn't want the week to end.  I wasn't hungry at all and each time I sat at the dining room table to read God's word, write, and pray, it was like a 5-course meal (gluten-free/dairy-free/egg-free, of course!)  Just kidding!

By Jean Fortunet (Own work) [CC-BY-1.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/1.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

And then the week ended, I had a good week or two, and then life started to creep in, slowly, here and there, lies, busyness, doubt, obsessive thoughts, and choice by choice, my mouth became a garbage can...not in the cool way, like, a cussing machine, have you, but just a place where I'd put food without thinking about it.

Thankfully I've been talking daily with God about this and have slowed down, laid it at His feet, and sought His face for the "Why?" of why I brat-ishly continue to put Him second to something as TEMPORARILY filling as food!!!!  And, on a practical side, I've literally SLOWED down my eating, smaller bites, sitting, actually thinking about what I'm doing rather than eating between running here and there or doing this or that.

All this to say, I'm doing a study on Daniel right now and I'm only on chapter 2.  Talk about knocking my socks off!  Good stuff!  And, of course, the first chapter talks about how Danny and his friends set themselves apart for God's purposes, spiritually, and also practically or physically, by NOT eating the king's food.  And, OF COURSE, they were found to be more physically fit and spiritually in tune.  You don't say...you mean cutting out the clutter and excess is actually beneficial?!  Duh (duh, to me...)

A wise saying I once heard and have quoted and quoted and quoted, is:

"Without accountability there is no motivation for change."

I'm sick of quoting it.  I want to live it.

I'm posting HERE for the rest of the story...

I'm So Weak that I am STRONG!

Wow!  Has it been over a month since I've been here?

Funny how during that time I've had great days and days where I still wrestle and battle with food, health, loving myself, choices.  And all the while I've tried to do so much on my own strength.  And for what?  So I could say, "Look at me!  I have amazing self-discipline!  I am a ROCK!  I am so strong!"

The truth is, every. single. time. I try to do ANYTHING on my own strength, I fail.  And epically, I must say.

When will I learn? 

Perfection is the Enemy.

Grace is the Gift.

When will I learn that doing life in my own strength then becomes a life about me?

And the only time "A Life All About Me" is acceptable is when a person hasn't received God's gracious love and forgiveness through what Christ did for us on the cross.

Yes, I said it.  Selfishness is expected from anyone who does not follow Christ.

However, selflessness or dying to self, is counter cultural, exactly what is meant to come with a life surrendered and laid down to God's bigger picture.  So, selfishness as a Christ-follower is unacceptable.

I'm grateful that each time I fall short and have lost sight, God is gracious.  And, He receives my heart again and again and again.

^{2 Corinthians 12:7-10} Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.

My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

When God made us in His image, we were perfect.

Since the Fall of man, we lost that luxury.  However, Satan's lies and relentless pursuit of us here on earth has been to deceive us that our goal is to be perfect in all things, or in anything.

Like Paul says above to the Corinthians, "Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size - (self) abuse, (colossal binge eating) accidents, (failure) opposition, bad breaks.  I just let Christ take over!  And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become!" (emphasis mine)

Cherry Dark Chocolate Chip Paleo Ice Cream

Yep.  You read that right.  And it was GOOD!

I like in the Bible when God made things, like, say, the Universe, trees, planets, animals, humans, etc, and called it, "Good."

I am not God.  I know you knew that but I just wanted to make sure no one else thought I was throwing such a claim out there.

I know I wrote about it at one point over the last 6 years, but I think it's quite possible that the fruit on the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was likely cherries.  I mean, really, what could have been that good that Eve just had to have a taste?  I mean, maybe a peach tree?  But probably cherry, I'm guessing...

Anyway, I did create black cherry dark chocolate ice cream tonight...and it was SO GOOD!  Which is why I snapped pictures, after the fact (like, I fished the can and bag out of the recycling bin and trash...), and told my husband it was blog worthy.

He agreed.

In fact, in his words, "Wow!  This rivals Sebastian Joe's Raspberry Chocolate Chip!"  And let's just say, coming from my husband, such a statement is a big freaking deal.  It is his all time favorite ice cream flavor from his all time favorite ice cream parlor...and my quick throw together tonight, induced by a monthly craving, gave his fave a run for its money.

Here you go:

• 1 can organic full fat coconut milk
• 1 10 ounce bag frozen organic dark sweet cherries, I used Earthbound Farms
• 2 to 3T agave nectar
• 1/2 tsp pure almond extract

In a blender or food processor, combine all of the above items on high until smooth.  Pour into your pre-frozen ice cream maker and let churn for about 15 to 20 minutes.

Meanwhile:

In a glass measuring cup, combine 1/3 cup dark chocolate (I used chips...you could use some of your secret chocolate stash in your cupboard, back there behind the good china or wherever you hide it...) and 1 T butter (you could use coconut oil I would guess but I always use butter when it comes to making my fudge sauce).  Microwave for about 30 seconds until chocolate and butter mix smoothly.  Remove from microwave.  Add 1 tsp dark cocoa powder.  Stir.  Add 1 tsp vanilla extract and 1 to 2 tsp of almond milk.  Stir until smooth.  *(Can be dairy-free/vegan if you skip the butter and use coconut oil instead...)

By the spoonful, add semi-cooled chocolate mixture to the churning ice cream so it swirls in and becomes "chips," if you will.  If it's too hot, the mixture won't become chips but will mix right in...make sure you add the chocolate when your ice cream is almost done and set up...

Umm.  It was awesome!

Even Em liked it, and she hates coconut milk!  I think the almond extract took the coconut flavor away.

4 ingredients.  Four.  F. O. U. R.  Go to the local grocer and count how many ingredients are on the back of a typical national brand.  Oh yeah, and try to pronounce them...Add the chocolate "chips" and you are only adding 4 more ingredients: chocolate/cocoa, butter, vanilla extract, and almond milk.

This was a last minute treat so the lighting isn't great, but Em, who is 10 and has informed us she has more taste buds, assured us it was really yummy. 

Let us know if you guys try this recipe and if it passed your kids' taste buds.  With ingredients I know are healthy, I can feel good about a dessert like this once in a while for my family.  We have some more ice cream recipes up our sleeves.  We'll share here at some point :)  Enjoy!