Ladies Night Out!

And by "Ladies Night Out!" I mean:  a weekly women's only group therapy session I am attending for a total of eight weeks with a bunch of strangers.

It was really funny, I must say.  My neighbor was literally shocked that I go to counseling.

What is the stigma?  How "jacked up" does one have to be in order to qualify?  Don't we all have baggage or faulty thinking or skeletons in our closets or hurts/wounds that may have scarred over but have healed pretty ugly?

Maybe not?  *shrug*  I don't know.  All I know is, I got problems.   Hello!

But what if people actually went to counseling BEFORE they were totally messed up or unhealthy patterns, thought processes or behaviors set in?  What a friggin' novel idea!  Wish I had thought of that 30+ friggin' years ago. 

Prevention.  Huh.


So last night, at Ladies Night Out, no, it's not called that...anyway, last night was friggin' amazing!

For reals!  Uh.  Maze.  Ing!

I don't even have room here to blog all about it, but maybe I'll share it in a series.  Yeah, that's it.  I'll do that.

Okay, so our counselor gave us this hand-out by Prochaska & DiClemente called the Stages of Change.  Now, you may remember this from your college Psych 101 class.  I, however, though I likely studied it way back when, only did so for a test or paper...and sadly never applied it to my life.  Huh.

You mean this was all preventable?!  Probably notsomuch...

Anyway, did you go look at the hand-out?  I'll wait... *drumming fingers*

Okay, so, if you were to read it from the top of the cycle at "Pre-contemplation" and then follow the arrows clockwise, over the last year as I worked my butt off to be a new, healthy thin person, I went through the cycle up until "Maintenance."  At "Maintenance" I reached my 25 year goal of "losing those last 10 lbs" but not only that, did it in a way that was healthy and changed the way I not only viewed food and nutrition but how I viewed and loved myself.

And I did it for me.  At least I thought I did... And it was good.

But then, I didn't really know what to do.  Talking one on one with my counselor a few weeks back, she said, "It was like you accomplished your goal, so just checked it off your list of to-do's and moved onto the next item."  She was exactly right!  I told her that a year ago when I started this journey toward health and finally losing unwanted fat I wished I would have had a "What now?" or "Maintenance plan" in place.  What a helpful tool this chart would have been last summer/fall.

The positive side of this chart is the "Upward Spiral" in the center.  It says, "Learn from each relapse."  And, looking back on my life, I realize I've traveled this "Transtheoretical Model of the Stages of Change" many a time.  And each time, apparently through the process of relapse, I did learn a bit more about healthy eating, balanced lifestyle, whole foods, the mind game and weight loss, what my allergies and sensitivities are, how my body reacts to certain foods, which ones I should avoid and on which ones my body thrives..."How I'll do it better next time," if you will.

But, not until I was on the cusp of turning 40 friggin' years old (I'm not "friggin'" about the number...just in awe and a little crusty that it took sooooo long to learn this particular piece...) did the "Relapse" send me into a new spiral of learning what I've needed to learn this whole friggin' time.

And that is:

TO FRIGGIN' LOVE MYSELF!

REAL LOVE.

LIKE THE KIND OF LOVE GOD DESIGNED.

TRUE LOVE.

So yeah.  I knew in my heart 2012 was going to be a good year.  I had NO friggin' idea it would be the year I'd finally fall in love with ME!  And I will ABSOLUTELY explain this in another post...because I know I am not the only one out there that has felt friggin' GUILTY or AFRAID of those words that God Almighty of the Whole Wide World Who loves us commands us to do...because it's so much more "righteous" and "spiritual" and "humble" to love our neighbors, but not ourselves.   

Except.  That.  Is.  Not.  What.  HE SAID!

One Foot in Front of Another

You know, walking is something you learn.  It's not just something you do one day, like you just get up and go or something.

Now, some of you are saying I must be crazy because their child did just hop up and start toddling all around the house one day...

BUT, you forget.  I am a mid-life crisis mom to a 16 month old son who is showing me exactly what the process of walking looks like.

And it's not just a move where perfection is achieved off the bat.

It's been a blast watching Ryan develop.  To be honest, I'm humbled by it and honored to be able to take it all in.  On his 9 month birthday he started doing the military crawl.  At first it resembled a first week Private or Recruit in Basic Training.  As he continued to crawl each day I'd say he climbed the ranks and was worthy of Master Sergeant Ryan Crawler title by the time he was walking around furniture, holding onto it.  Then we started holding onto his fingers, teaching him how to walk. 

Around Christmas, New Years and my birthday recently, Master Sergeant Ryan Crawler took his first steps.  And by "first steps" I mean, he stood up, unassisted, letting go of the furniture.  As the days passed his strength grew and he would take one step and sit back down.  But, he certainly wasn't worthy, and isn't even today, of the title Master Sergeant Ryan Walker. 

He's still a Private.  Actually, to be honest, the kid's a Seaman Recruit.  He's not puking or dizzy like a new boy on his first submarine, but he does resemble a drunk guy on his first free weekend.

Each day, though, he's training and getting better at walking.  He's growing stronger.  He's gaining confidence.

He falls.

He stumbles.

He has had a few wipe outs.

But he still gets up and tries, each day, about 77 different times each day.  He tries.  And as he does, I watch him, cheer him on, coax him with my open arms, his favorite books, lots of slobbery kisses and his sippy cup.

He smiles HUGE and starts toward me, one foot in front of (or kind of side to side) the other.

The point is:  I'm doing the same thing here.  I'm learning how to do this healthful living one choice at a time.

Not even one day at a time, but one choice at a time.

One foot in front of the other.  As Ryan develops, I'm learning about life, just watching him.

Today I'd say I rank in the lower realm of the Sergeant sector. 

Maybe by November 4th I'll be the Commander in Chief of my own health and body?!  And even then, we all know, I won't be perfect ;)


(I'm juicing veggies, eating tons of salads with leans meat and veggies, and praying and filling my soul with Words that bring real life and nourishment.  However, I'm still recovering from the holidays and my birthday where I indulged.  Chocolate, honey/rosemary/chipotle pecans and red wine are some of my down falls lately.  I'm learning moderation.  Hey, at least I'm not eating Mexican chips for breakfast, lunch and dinner anymore!  And that's one step in the right direction!)

 Ryan recently discovered this drawer, which no longer houses my baking stones.  He's also enjoying magnetic A,B,C's on the side of the fridge as he takes breaks from walking the halls of our house all day.  Those were Em's navy boots when she was a babe.  What?  No.  I don't bother wiping his mini fingerprints off my stainless.  I'd be doing it non-stop.

*I'm still trying to figure out how to post a video...anyone know how?  I'm technically not a genius ;)  Or rather, I'm not a technical genius...you decide.  j/k

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

I have ALWAYS lied about my weight. 

By "ALWAYS" I guess I should think about that.  I've lied about it since High School when I was old enough to realize my friends weighed less than me.

I even lied on my very first driver's license by 5 lbs.  I guess even back then the number in my head and on the scale didn't match.  I don't remember what number I wrote down, but I know it wasn't the truth.

But 5 or 10 lbs has always been my "lie buffer."  I'm not justifying it.  A lie is a lie.  I've done it for so long regarding my weight that I guess it's become the norm to shave a few pounds off on paper work.

15 years ago my father-in-law took me to get my driver's license renewed in Minnesota.  I wish you all could have known Steve Graves.  He was the life of the party and made everyone he met feel like a zillion bucks.  I loved that guy!  Anyway, I had a good hair day and was feeling good because a student and I from the college where I worked had been getting up at the crack each morning and working out.  I did not lie on that driver's license.  My smile was genuine because I was looking at Steve trying to hold in a laugh while the girl took my picture.  Did I mention I was 145 and it was a good hair day?

Fast forward to 2002.  Jason and my pregnant belly and I had just moved from Minnesota to Colorado and I had to get a new driver's license.  I was 198 lbs pregnant with gelato/custard/chocolate chip cookie weight, thought it was a good idea to let my hair go curly that day, and had on a large and in charge barf/Pepto pink maternity shirt. 

I side-looked over each shoulder as I wrote: 150 in the weight category...5'10" in the height category...and Blue in the box for eye color. 

You see, 5'9" to 9 1/2" has always been Five Ten for me (because in my head it helped distribute the weight...and it sounds runway-ish)

150 was a hellofalot better than 198, so writing that was a no-brainer.

And, my eyes are blue.  And they are also green.  And it just depends on the day.  So, I guess that day they were blue.

My 40th birthday is Sunday.  The Department of Transportation is closed Sunday so I'm headed to get a new driver's license AND picture today.  The information will be as follows:

Height:  5'9"
Weight:  135
Eyes:  (I guess we'll have to see, but this morning they have a blue outer ring with a green center...which is too long to enter into the small box that wants a straight answer so maybe I'll go with green for the next 10 years?  Who knows?)

So there you have it.  So there I have it.  I worked my buns off over the last year to lose weight and gain health and a new perspective.  It wasn't so I'd be able to tell the truth on my driver's license though that is now an added bonus.  It was because I always knew the 5 to 10 lb lie buffer had truth in it.

It feels good to finally tell the truth ;)

I'm okay. Are you okay?

My post from yesterday I said, "And four, but not an exhaustive list by any means, He knew Satan would tempt me on more than one occasion and that I'd hit bottom one day but finally look up to Him, my Source, to find what it was I was searching for in the first place."

A friend shot me a text and wondered if I was okay.

Totally!

I am feeling so great about this year, about my plan of action, writing and launching my non-profit business plan, counseling (both my individual and the group for ladies I joined)...I'm feeling balanced and healthy about turning 40, health and nutrition, exercise and building muscles to offset the aging :)  I am inspired to organize and purge every corner of my house.  I'm psyched about leaving as little and dainty a carbon footprint on the earth this year by continuing to recycle and reuse old jewelry for my business and other random crafts I have in the basement from the last 15 plus years.  (Goal: not to buy ONE craft supply all year unless it's a vintage piece...)

I didn't mean that I was currently at rock bottom, or feeling like I was there.  I simply meant that God provides ahead of time for us so that when we do go through tough times, we can be filled by Him and gain some perspective.

Nope.  I feel good. 

No.  I feel GREAT!  I am slowly gaining strength physically, spiritually, emotionally, and otherwise, as I trust that God is who He says He is and take one day at a time. 

I have a busy year ahead and don't really have time to sit around and eat out of boredom, anyway.  And, in the last week when I did get stressed and reach for a snack, it was a healthy one.  A whole food type of treat.  Lots of carrots/apples/dates/salad/walnuts/lean meat/raw veggies and fruit...healthy stuff.

I'll be doing the Avon Walk in the Rocky Mountains June 23-24 with my little sister and anyone else who will join us...so that means in 24 weeks which means that my 20-week training schedule is pinned to my wall and getting crossed off already.  And training means proper nutrition and rest!  You can't just cold turkey 39.3 miles, hello!

I'm hosting a retreat for women in the Midwest early summer so I'm getting my team together and getting all that figured out.  Details to come...

And, I'm a wife to the best guy on earth and mom to one fabulous, intelligent and beautiful 9 year old and a now walking 16 month old.

This overeating business has been all about me...well, this life isn't all about me.  I'm here amongst a great group of billions of other God-created people and it's up to me to gain perspective in the midst of that journey of who I am and why God made me.

My life may not all be in order, because let's be honest, that'll never happen, but it's in perspective because HE'S in perspective which puts me in a really good place...and the rest just kind of follows.

So yeah, I'm okay.  Are you okay?

Food for Thought

Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life.  He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."  John 6:35

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst.  Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."  John 4:13-14

"My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work."  John 4:34

As a person whose thoughts have been bombarded with food oftentimes throughout my short life (currently writing this post as a 39 year and 51 and a half week old...) initially reading the quotes above were annoying.  I mean, really, why would the God of the whole wide world have to use metaphors when speaking to us humans?  And especially about food?  Why not just say, "I'm all you'll ever need...I'm better than sex, food, money, tequila and even chocolate...just hang out with Me and trust Me?" 

He actually did say all those things in different ways, but He also knew that one day I would need to read those verses to be encouraged that true satisfaction, satiation, quenching, fulfillment, all those things, could only be filled by Him.  

He knew that I would be dissatisfied on this earth because I wasn't intended for here, trying to fill myself with things other than Him, other than His will, things that were only temporarily fulfilling. 

He knew my issues would be with food...and I wouldn't be the only one. 

So, He saw fit to write it down.  In ink.  On pieces of skin and dried leaves.  In the hearts of people who would be obedient to pass it on, who may have even struggled with the same things.

He provided for me because He's always provided for me...for all of us.

Some might think, "How did He know your issues would be with food?  Why would He let you go through something, conflict, a difficult time, addiction, loss, pride, heartache, grief, (not only talking food here, obviously, but trials of all kinds...) if He's really a loving God?"

Well, one, He made me.  And He made you...whether you believe that or not.  Two, He knew because He's super smart, I mean, you try designing a Universe...it's totally not easy.  Three, He's not Santa Claus, so don't even get me started on that one...we live on earth so crap happens and just because we ask an old guy for something because we've been good doesn't mean it'll be under our tree (that's another post!!!).  And four, but not an exhaustive list by any means, He knew Satan would tempt me on more than one occasion and that I'd hit bottom one day but finally look up to Him, my Source, to find what it was I was searching for in the first place.

So, as I've been going to Him during times of "bored eating" He has provided these scriptures, these truths, for me to feast on.  I hope they'll encourage and fill you, too!