Holy Guacamole!

I didn't realize how busy the last month was until I looked at the date of my last post here. 

Wowsers!  I feel like Fall and the beginning of Winter have gone by quickly already! 

Anyway, I blogged in my head a few times but I don't suppose I hit "post..."

I went to counseling the week before Christmas where my counselor gave me the assignment of drawing up a business plan.  Then we headed to Mexico to enjoy some time together as a family, as well as meet up with some of our dearest friends.  Our trip overlapped by 4 days so it was a great treat to my heart to make memories and swap stories with people we love.  My 16 month old did great, though he wasn't totally sure about sand.  My 9 year old had a blast spelunking for shells and chasing waves with her friends.  She also didn't mind the three day passes we got to enjoy at the all-inclusive where our friends stayed.

"What?  You mean I can eat guacamole and get fruity tropical drinks all day just because I'm wearing this ugly plastic bracelet?!  Cool!!"

And eat we did.  We stayed at another friend's place that had a full kitchen so we headed to the grocery store the first day and stocked up on avocados, fresh salsa, totopos (thick, thick corn chips found in Mexico that rock the chip world...), almond milk, cactus and bananas, oh, and pork rind.  Just KIDDING!  EWWW!  But seriously, they do have 2'x2' pieces of fried pork rind hanging in the deli section of the store.  My friend Russ from Louisiana would like that, but me, notsomuch.

Anyway, I have to tell you the good, the bad and the ugly.  There was no scale at the condo but I was on vacation and really my thoughts weren't wrapped up with numbers or if I was going to post a Friday weigh-in.  I was actually pretty proud of myself.  I knew from many past trips to Mexico, however, plus confirmed blood work that my totopo consumption would gradually catch up with me, but I wasn't freaked out about that either. 

I mean, I was actually relaxed and enjoyed my vacation.  That may not seem like a novel idea to you, you know...to relax on vacation, but in the past when my brain was in a bad place, food thoughts could ruin my outlook and attitude toward everything.

So, yeah.  I went through a breakfast buffet and chose yummy food in proper proportions with a healthy helping of fresh veggies and fruits as the focal points.  I ate more than the average helpings of guacamole and totopos every day.  I went through a dinner buffet and skipped over all my allergens and had just veggies and meat, even skipping the dessert because it just didn't look that great.  We ate at some fabulous restaurants and I ate normal portions of great quality food instead of filling up on stuff that was simply available...just because it was there.

It was like I had my head on straight or something crazy like that :)

And, for my friends out there that know of my love for Margaritas...well, I found a new tasty drink that is void of sugar that I now prefer over Margaritas.  I know!  You just spit whatever you were eating out of your mouth and your kid is looking at you, but it's true!  Tequila, a fresh lime and mineral water does the trick.  And if you want it sweet, like I did, I just added a packet of Stevia.  It's called a "Tequila Macho" and it's yummy.

I did discover another new yummy treat, especially if you aren't known to drink.  70% or higher chocolate, fresh dates (pitted, obviously) and raw pecans.  Take nibbles of each in one mouthful and it's super satisfying and yummy!  My friend salted hers which was an added bonus!

Did the chips catch up with me?

Yep.

In addition to some fancy bloating, I broke out in hives on day 5 of 8.  About 5 trips ago to Mexico when that happened I had to get a shot in my bomba (good thing I minored in Spanish in college and could navigate their local medical center!), but now I know why it happens and so, as hard as it was, I backed down from the chips.  And by "backed down" I slowed my consumption but I also knew that until I got my American buns out of Mexico, I wouldn't be able to resist totopo yumminess.  It helped.  The hives subsided and, literally, the morning after I got home to a chip free environment, the hives were gone.

And, a first.  I will tell you, I allowed my husband to take a picture of me in my bathing suit which literally I've only allowed while pregnant because I'm supposed to be rotund!  I always loved and embraced by pregnant belly.  And besides, no one knew my pregnant thighs were just as big when I wasn't pregnant :)  But he has known now for 20 years that a picture of me in a bathing suit is about as allowable as the Pope getting married.

The act of having this picture of me, and not deleting it already from the camera or computer, is a huge step for me.  I'm learning to love myself and chill out a little.  

I didn't bring home any Mexican gut bugs, but what I did bring home, though, was a renewed attitude, a better outlook, a fresh ambition for life in general and 3 more sun spots.

Oh yeah...I had a counseling visit after I returned from Mexico and shared my business plan with her.  I have another appointment next week, but first, starting tonight for the next 8 weeks, I'm going to a women's only group session...one on freedom from addiction.  

Happy NEW Year!  Happy NEW You!  Happy NEW Me!

(Here's the pic...I never said it was full-length, but it's a start for me.  And no, I won't be posting full-length pics of me in my suit eh-ver.  Just the fact that I wore one in public without a cover-up on from head to toe was a big deal for me.  I'm starting to embrace my almost 40 year old self and I'm good!)

I Ask Myself...

How is it a person you know and love, say, like your husband, just as an example, can encourage you and tell you something repeatedly, like something specific to do, but then when a stranger, say, like a professional counselor, just as an example, tells you the exact same thing, it's profound and motivating and just what your heart's been seeking?

I mean, just as an example, of course...

So, when I've gone to counseling before (with this same lady almost 2 years ago, now...) I have a sense of time, money and urgency driving what I say and what I leave out.  I know we are on the clock and that clock's ticking so I'd better cut through the crap and get to the good stuff...or it's cut through the good stuff and get to the crap?  They both work...

Anyway, after filling out my intake "tattle tale" sheet which has a column on the left of symptoms, behaviors, or problemos and then columns to the right labeled for "Self, Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Mother's Mother, Mother's Father, Father's Mother, Father's Father," I was trying to get a game plan in mind as to what all I should vomit all over share with the counselor.

I started with a brief overview of being a closet eater starting at a young age, family dynamics throughout the years, my more recent triggers, what I do in the face of stress, and how I feel passionate about my non-profit but don't know if I'll ever get to do anything with it...

Before I knew it time was up and she said, "I have an assignment for you."

I anxiously awaited.  Oh boy, an assignment!  This'll be good...I'm going to get a game plan for not eating out of stress...

She said:  When we meet again in two weeks, have your business plan ready to share with me regarding your non-profit.

I said:  Sweet, that sounds awesome!  Totally!  (Or something enthusiastic like this...)

I said:  Wait. One. Minute.  How come my husband can tell me I need to do this for several months but you tell me one time and I'm all motivated to go for it?!

I don't have an assignment for food...but I think she's onto something.  Like encouraging me to dream and focus on something positive, something about which I am passionate and I know God's called me to, rather than continue the cycle of beating the crap out of myself and spiraling down, down, down.

Next appointment, December 29th, 10 a.m.

Not Soon Enough...

Seriously, my counseling appointment tomorrow can't come soon enough.

Ironically, one of my favorite books is "One Minute of Margin," however I do not have one minute of margin to even read the thing to find out how to create more margin.  You see, I leave it in the bathroom where, before I had a toddler, I had more than a minute of margin to sit and unwind and take care of business.  Now, I hold "having to go potty" until I can hold it no longer and then run to the bathroom, get in and out quick, and run back out to monitor any toddler damage.

Today I am overwhelmed and just want chocolate.  This is annoying.  This overwhelm was triggered by a parent/teacher conference last night, but I don't feel like getting into it right now...

I need to cut things out of my life.  I need to cut people out of my life.  I need to scale back.  I need to say "no" and realize that if "no" received by someone else is fatal for them, that's their deal, not mine. 

Random thought here:  Maybe "scaling back" is manifested in my life by getting rid of excess fat through dieting?  Results.  Like how I love to purge closets and drawers in my house...hmmmm?

Anyway, who knows but what I do know is there isn't a clean surface in my kitchen, the dog follows me around all day doing upward/downward dog motions, I can't pee in privacy anymore and next to having a non-profit that is my passion and dream, the ideas and half-finished docs for a book, having a jewelry business that is a creative outlet for my frenzied mind, and being a wife and mom, it seems like I have to cut something out.

Let's see...it can't be wife.  It can't be mom.  I can cut out my jewelry/creative outlet, but then I'll retain stress.  (Retained stress = large consumption of chocolate)  And so, it seems like the very thing I've been designed to do, my passion and dream to encourage women and really get my non-profit rolling is the thing I have to put on the back burner, again, and that makes me sick to my stomach and causes my throat to tighten just thinking about it.  I can't even see the screen right now b/c my eyes are all juicy.

I need to go take a deep breath and throw something, anything, away...

Question:  Have you ever felt like you were made for something but that very thing is the thing you have to keep putting on hold? 

Tracking

Besides last Friday, I haven't weighed myself in the mornings for the last week and a half.  This, surprisingly, isn't necessarily good or bad.  It's kind of neutral...kinda.  And by "kinda" I mean, it's neutral in my head because I haven't been obsessed with numbers lately, but as a way to track something tangible, I'm not ready to pitch the scale just yet.

I know some people don't own scales and go simply by how their clothes fit, or if they fit.  I didn't own a scale for over 15 years and went by that method...the only problem was I would just go buy new clothes when the other ones didn't fit.  And by "new clothes" and "didn't fit" I mean a bigger size. 

For me, one size on the label can span a good 10 lbs, easily.  Just because I can still zip the jeans doesn't mean they fit, per se.  Hello, muffin top!

And, another change that has likely occurred because I've been busier than busy is I haven't written anything down in my food journal in over a month.  This mode of tracking health, weight loss, food sensitivities and such is one thing I need to revisit.

Here's a link to another blog, Healthful Pursuit by Leanne Vogel, where the girl designed her own food journal entry form.  I am going to use it as a guide, but not all of the components work for me and I'm also not a fan that one print out equals one day...I like to save paper and am a bit of a minimalist when it comes to this, so I'll be tweaking this.  However, either way, it's a great resource to track food sensitivities and how my body feels after consuming certain foods.  And, it'll be a good way to track the reason why I ate...

I already know, for a fact, that if I even look at a grain, I puff up, like a hot popcorn kernel, a puffed piece of rice cereal, or like this guy...Okay, maybe not exactly like him, but I do retain fluids, feel bloated, have achy joints (especially my left knee, wrists and fingers), ringing in my ears, have dark circles under my eyes and plump sausage fingers upon waking, and feel groggy in the morning when I've eaten too many grains (any simple sugars) in a day. 

When I don't eat grains or literally eat them once a week, I have tons of energy, can spring out of bed, my skin clears, my joints feel fine, and overall, I'm a nicer person and just feel healthy. 

Everyone is different and what works for you may not work for me, and vice versa.

But, let me ask you this:  If you never eliminate a potential culprit, how would you even know if you have a sensitivity or not? 

You wouldn't.

As a mom to a one year old, this time around, I actually followed the doc's advice and introduced one food at a time to my baby.  Oh the novelty!  Sheer brilliance, I say!  This concept can be practiced with older kids and adults, as well, when trying to figure out food sensitivities and culprits, but instead of introducing foods, you are eliminating foods.  And though it's a little harder, it's not impossible! (My 9 year old is allergic to wheat and dairy but has eaten them since toddlerhood...guess how fun it is to eliminate cheesy-dillas?!)  Just find great alternatives, continue to serve them, and they'll either hate the new option and skip it altogether, or develop their palate for the new taste.  No one needs quesadillas, so it's really not the end of the world, for Pete's sake :)

The Elimination Diet isn't hard unless you are addicted to starches and sugars, dairy or your particular allergen. There's a lot of information on the website "The World's Healthiest Foods" linked in the previous sentence, but it's scientific and medically based, so take their advice, not mine, and above all else, listen to your own body and how you feel!  If you feel crummy, listen!  If you feel fantastic, that's your body saying, "More of that good stuff, please!"

I'm digressing!  My point is, I'm going to start tracking my food throughout the day again so I'm more conscious of what I'm eating and why, and then also track how I feel each day.  In the past I've written down my food intake for a number of reasons, but mostly just to track weight loss or gain.  Honestly, I am comfortable with that number on the scale from last week, but I'm more interested right now in knowing how I feel and which foods help me feel my best and which ones take me down dark alleys.  I've always been told to avoid dark alleys...

Counseling countdown:  3 days.  I'm looking forward to December 8th at 11:00 am when I head to counseling to talk about this more in depth with a professional.  If you are putting off that appointment, ask yourself why?  Why would you put off something that offers potential healing and freedom?  Maybe you don't need it, maybe just I do...but one thing I know is I am looking forward to this next season of my life...

...the season where I'm finally free to be me!

Formulaic

I love Merriam Webster!  And, I'm so thankful for the Internet where I can just jump over to the Merriam Webster website at any given moment and do word searches and studies.  I'm a nerd that way.

Anyway, I've been pondering the word formula recently.

Everybody wants one.  Many people and companies boast they have one...the "one", the magic formula that will cure:  input list of maladies and, by golly, the formula will clean it up, get 'er done, cure all, make you rich and then some.

I've bought into the formula mentality.  Believe me, I've bought a few things after watching info-mercials...just sayin'.

I've bought into it in more ways than just weight loss or fitness.  As a young Christian, I bought into the formula for behavior which was expected from a good church goer rather than believing the bottom line:  God's in love with me just the way I am because His love is unconditional.  His grace is called grace for a reason.  Forgiveness was a gift extended to us...not that I could earn.  Anyway, unknowingly I built walls between me and people I loved because in my ignorance, my love was conditional...formulaic. 

"If you act like this + think like this = good Christian girl"

I understand, *ironically, that in chemistry formulas are important, especially exact ones.  We tried to explain this to our daughter last night who wants to "blow things up" but doesn't want to do her math homework.

Math + Diligent Studying = Potential Chemist or scientist of some sort...

I've especially bought into the formula mentality when it comes to weight loss.  A trainer told me once, "Calories in have to be less than calories out, that's the only way you can lose weight."  I've believed this for umpteen years!  This is not entirely true nor is it the only formula that works across the board.  That's what Timothy Ferriss' book, "The 4-Hour Body" is all about.  He totally bucks the system and formula mentality by experimenting on himself, just to prove these theories or formulas, wrong, or inadequate at best.

I've been a Christian now for almost 25 years.  Over that time I've learned a lot more about God's character, who He says He is instead of who we say He is.  While resting at His feet I have learned a lot and had my eyes opened to my naive enthusiasm that was completely self-driven in my earlier years.  We've stayed the course.  He and I.  We have a relationship, not a formula of religious behavior.

As far as health and wellness goes, I'm trying to break free from the formula mentality.  And, when it comes to my body, eating and fitness, that's tough when I function well within structure.  I mean, obviously eating a Big Mac everyday with a side of fries is a formula, for sure, for malnourishment and disease.  Hello.  I haven't eaten at McDonald's since I was pregnant with Emily back in 2001, so this isn't a problem for me.  But a pan of brownie edges or a tray of chocolate chip cookies is another story... 

I know enough now that eating as closely to the way God designed food is optimal for me.  Limiting sugar and carb intake helps me feel my best.  Exercising and being outdoors always feels good, even if I didn't feel like it initially.  And, keeping myself busy keeps me away from the grazing mentality that is linked to stress and boredom.  I know these things.  I think I've been trying to figure out how to neatly fit them into a formula so I can wrap my brain around them, have it work and fit nicely into my lifestyle, and be on my merry way.

...except life doesn't fit neatly into a little box so I'm learning how to operate within something called "grace."  I understand grace extended to me from God.

Now I just need to learn how to extend it to myself...Do you?

*I failed chemistry in college...