Confessions of a 2nd Grade Closet Eater

A Simpler Way

2012-02-22T19:12:00.001-08:00

I'm a purger.

Not in regard to food. I never could make myself throw up. I'm not talking about that kind of purging.

I'm a binge-er when it comes to food. You already know this...

But I'm a purger of stuff.

I have a lot of stuff and when I feel overwhelmed it's easy for me to do away with it because it's just stuff and since having a son pass away, I'm not attached to things, so chucking stuff kind of rocks...because, like I said, it's stuff.

We definitely place value on stuff, but we can't take stuff with us to Heaven. Even though we can enjoy it here on Earth and it can often serve a purpose, too much stuff can be a trigger for overwhelm. At least for me.

So, as the research geek that I am, I usually have stacks of books here and there either on my desk or next to my bed on a few topics. And all of the research is good and fascinating. But I've read a boat load of books about health, nutrition, natural foods and healing, allergens, auto-immune diseases, juicing, cleansing, etc, etc.

And it occurred to me yesterday as I looked at the 5 books I had just grabbed from the library that there really isn't enough time in a day or week or even month to, ironically, digest everything in those books...and for the most part, I've read them or something similar already at some point over the last 20ish years.

So I know what they're going to say:

"Eat as closely to the way God made food in the first place."

It's basic. It's simple. It's truth.

What does that mean? Instead of apple pie choose apple sauce, but instead of apple sauce, choose an apple.

If we were to eat food the way God made it, mostly raw fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds, some fish and lean meats, we'd be really, really, really healthy people.

And when I do eat that way, I feel fantastic.

So, I took every book back to the library. I purged my book shelf of all the random books there collecting dust that "I'll read one day...", I deleted ALL the food blogs I had bookmarked on my computer, and that's just the beginning.

You see, I think that when we learn we have a food sensitivity or allergy or are needing to scale back because the scale is telling us something, we tend to fight it. At least I did. I used to. I would search the Internet then for recipes of what I could eat. What are alternatives to chocolate chip cookies or brownies or cakes or other pastries that are: gluten free, egg free, dairy free, low or no refined sugar, low carb, yada, yada, blah, blah.

And the truth is: When I eat clean, whole foods, I crave clean whole foods. And, when I eat high fat, sugary recipes I crave those things.

Symbolically purging all those books and blogs out of my life and literally looking up Scriptures that have to do with: Filling, Satisfaction, Food, Health, Nourishment, Jesus being Living Water...well, let's just say it helps me to get back to simpler things, like allowing God to fill me instead of a pan of carbs.

This simplifying or purging isn't just happening in my way of eating. I'm de-cluttering my life this Lenten season.

I need to be free to be me. And that freedom will continue to come as I get back to a more simple way of living.

In the Midst of it

2012-02-17T16:04:00.000-08:00

I love and hate that we can be used to encourage others, in the midst of it.

For example, I don't love how I've allowed myself to eat without thinking more often than not over the last 2 months. I don't love that the choices I've made about food have even crossed over my food sensitivity and allergy "borders" I had set up for myself. (Gluten, dairy, eggs, and refined sugars.) I don't love that I'm down to one pair of jeans, and they aren't the "skinny" ones.

I hate that the very thing my body needs to avoid in order to feel healthy and strong is the very thing it THINKS it wants/needs when I am stressed or stressed, or say, like, stressed or something...

But, even though I don't love being the example of failure, floundering, and picking myself back up again, I know I'm able to encourage others in the midst of it.

Now, I'm not saying any of you are in need of my encouragement, but for the last 2 hours I was on the phone with an old friend that I dearly love. One I hadn't talked to in at least 3 or 4 years. The kind of friend you just pick up where you left off...no neediness or wondering if we still love each other just because our lives are on different courses.

You know, a friend.

Anyway, she's in a health crisis, to call it what it is. And she was told by her doctor a few years back she needed to make some major dietary changes to feel better.

But she didn't and now she feels worse. She's in the midst of it.

I've studied and experimented on my own body enough over the last 15 - 20 years to know what foods have caused similar symptoms in me. The times I have chosen to eliminate food culprits from my daily intake I have: lost weight, gained tons of energy, felt stronger, had mental clarity, lost the aches and pains in my hands and knees, greeted my alarm clock in the morning with a smile rather than an iron fist, and had a positive thought life and outlook.

I'm not saying I'm a doctor or dietitian or nutritionist, so don't misquote me.

I am saying, though, from personal experience, trial and error, and sweat and tears, I know a process of eliminating foods that aren't good for me, and though her food culprits will be different because she's a different person, I can encourage her to find out what her culprits are, to see how she feels, to decide if eating those foods are really worth it or not, both the good foods and feelings and the bad foods and feelings.

The last 2 months were a temporary derailment in my own food and health life.

When I hit "send" on my friends email with the books she was wondering about, websites and helpful tips, I'm doing it all right along with her.

I want to encourage her while she's in the midst of it...in the midst of it.

An All-Time Low

2012-02-16T16:43:00.000-08:00

Oh.

My.

Word.

As Em and Ryan and I were driving off into the sunset earlier this afternoon, I pulled Em's visor down so the sun would not be in Ryan's eyes in the back seat. Unfortunately it didn't help Em. Having a toddler, centered in the back seat, I like to be able to see him in the rear view mirror so I have it tilted down, with plain view inside the car. Does that make sense? As a result, it means I can also look in the rear view mirror to see if I have a booger or whatever, without having to adjust it towards me.

Well, as I was saying, we were driving into the sunset.

*Don't picture bliss, a warm beach, or the flowing mane on a beautiful horse.

Picture: a blinding 4 o'clock sun right at eye level, beginning its descent behind the snow covered Rockies, and 3 day-old hair plastered under a hat...with my favorite navigator sunglasses crooked on my nose because they are missing a plastic nose rest...and no make up, unplucked eyebrows, and snow boots without socks.

Let's see, what else? Oh, the only pair of jeans I have left that currently fit me because I've gained like 10 lbs or something. And they have intentional rips in the knees, but am also having to wear them because the other favorite pair that did, in fact fit, well, let's just say the butt ripped out of them yesterday.

Are you following along here?

So, as I looked in the rear view mirror to see if the sun was now out of Ryan's eyes (yes, he is forward facing, in the back middle. Yes, I realize rear facing is a better option. He's got a 5-pt Britax up to 60 lb seat and I will keep him in it until he's that weight. I don't really feel like talking about this part right now, though, okay...) I caught a glimpse of my lovely self just as we were about to turn out of the illuminating direct sunlight to head south momentarily.

Me: OH. MY. WORD! EMILY!?!?! I HAVE A MUSTACHE!! IT'S DARK! DID YOU KNOW THIS?!?!?
Em: I've known for a while, Mom...I didn't want to tell you.
Me: SO THAT'S IT?!?! I TURN 40, GAIN 10 LBS AND GROW A MUSTACHE...AND A DARK ONE AT THAT?!?!?!
Em: Yeah, I just didn't know how to break it to you. It's been there a while...
Me: OH. MY. GOSH. I MEAN, I KNOW I'VE HAD A MUSTACHE BEFORE BUT IT WAS ALWAYS BLOND, LIKE SUMMER BLOND...
Em: So what are you going to do about it?
Me: WELL, I USED TO USE A CREAM TO REMOVE IT BUT IT BURNED MY SKIN. I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE TO START SHAVING OR SOMETHING...

So there you have it.

I mean, a lot of you reading may even have a mustache, but when you throw in 3 day old hair, a zit I forgot to mention, the eyebrows/fat jeans/parsley in the teeth...it just reaches an all-time low.

And this the day after I felt so overwhelmed with my to-do list that I ate a quarter of a tray of brownies and had two shots of tequila, which did NOTHING for me, so either age is causing me to be alcohol intolerant or those 10 extra pounds need a third shot to really start relaxing.

I need to go make dinner...and then head up to borrow Jason's shaving cream and razor.

How pretty do you feel today?!

The Psych Cycle

2012-02-13T20:42:00.000-08:00

So, back to the Prochaska Cycle or whatever it was called.

I burnt my tongue on a hot chocolate chip last Saturday morning. When I make pancakes, modifying this recipe from Lexie's Kitchen (I add more baking soda for more fluff and use 1/2 honey, 1/2 agave), I have to add chocolate chips for Em and then chocolate chips, sunflower seeds and shredded coconut for Jason. I then fancify the remainder of the batter with blueberries and lemon extract, but I feel like I already told you all this?! Anyway, one of the chips from Jason's pancake stuck to the pan so I went in for it, raising it quickly to my mouth, forgetting, one that I wasn't eating chocolate, and two, that sugar burns flesh when it's hot. Lesson learned: only eat chocolate chips out of the freezer...or not at all...so probably the first option.

But really the point is, I wasn't eating chocolate.

Let me back up a bit.

Last Friday night Jason and I had a little party with some friends. We called it, "Everybody's 40 Give or Take a Few Years."

Yes. You may use the title for your own 40th-ish birthday celebration.

Anyway, I started making recipes for the party on Tuesday. This was a big mistake. Big. Because what can you make ahead that won't spoil all week? Honey glazed walnuts with rosemary and cayenne pepper, sprinkled with sea salt. Walnuts are good for you, but in moderation, clearly, and without the butter and honey. Let's just say, I ate a lot of them.

And then, the thing that put me over the top was a recipe I found on the back of an All-Purpose Flour Mix box by Gluten Free Pantry for Chocolate Chocolate Chip Zucchini Bread. I modified it for high-altitude baking, added dark cocoa powder, substituted flax "eggs" for eggs, and shortened the bake time because I made them into cupcakes instead of a loaf. And then I topped them with vanilla butter cream frosting that my dear friend Kim taught me how to make. SO GOOD AND SO EASY AND SO NOT LOW CARB!

Ummmm. Let's just say these sent me to the moon and back. Oh. My. Word. Even my friend who has always made fun of me for healthy eating and who hates squash of any kind enjoyed these little bad boys.

There is a reason I don't bake regularly. It's the devil. But I was baking for our party so thankfully others would eventually show up to help me consume the goodness...but not soon enough.

I mean, why do you think I didn't feel like posting my weight last Friday? Walnuts and chocolate. 14freaking3.

And, I'm allergic to dairy, right?!

We had yummy wine on the menu so this meant I had a cheese platter. This usually would have been a non-issue, like, "I just don't eat dairy..." but I bought good cheese. And I made Martha Stewart fancy cheese balls. And it was all yummy.

So, about that cycle of addiction, namely breaking the cycle and then getting caught up into it again. Well, I guess we're always in it, spiraling upwards as we go through it time and again, learning as we do. Anyway, over the last couple months I've been between "Maintenance" and "Preparation." I'm ready for the "Action" part of my heart to kick in and get back into the groove of things. My motivation and discipline suck right now. It's like, "Screw it...I've gained 10 lbs this month. I know how to lose it..."

I just haven't cared, or loved myself, to make the right choices and keep the weight off. And, I made a lot of those poor choices for the wrong reasons and the wrong people.

This is about me being healthy. Being good to myself. Trusting that God cares about this just as much as I do. Breaking the cycle so my kids don't have to jump on the gerbil wheel. This isn't about anyone else. As selfish as it sounds, it literally just about me.

I think the partying is all behind me for a while so I can get into a routine again. At least I don't have anything planned and if anyone invites me somewhere I'll just say no. I have to, for me.

You see, I wasn't eating chocolate. I was eating clean 6 days a week and then one day I would loosen up a bit. But chocolate hadn't been on my "loosen up" list in a while.

Sometimes saying no to others is difficult because we don't want to hurt their feelings or offend them. But I'm kind of over that. I've put myself 2nd to others' feelings and "needs" more often than not and this is what has gotten me into this situation.

So, there you go. If you are easily offended and ask me to do something to which I say "no." It's not about you. It's about me. And it's about time that it's about me.

Go Green

2012-02-03T11:49:00.001-08:00

These are some veggies I've been juicing lately. I couldn't rotate the picture for some reason, which is annoying, I know, but what has stood out to me the most as I've juiced one or two times a day is how colorful the foods are and how great I feel. For some reason when I eat a salad or a plate full of sauteed veggies, I don't really notice that the colors are so vibrant! This has GOT to be good for me!

Pretty much if you add lemon, lime, or fresh ginger to any juice recipe, it's a winner!

The veggies pictured previously did not create this smoothie. I got it from the Juice Lady's recipe for Cherie's Awesome Green Smoothie. Here is a link to more recipes.

Yes, it's thick. I'm slowly chugging it as I post...

And just for fun, this is what I'm wearing as I post! It's a snow day here in Colorado, so that's Em in the background with her friend, suiting up to head back outside for a second round of snow fun! And me? Well, several years ago I found that green treasure at the Goodwill Thrift Store. You know you want one! I couldn't resist buying it because it was SO retro and out there! Jason and I shoveled the driveway together earlier today...and this is what I wore...I'm so glad he loves me even though I'm a weirdo!

So, I'm not going to lie. The smoothie by Cherie Calbom is delicious, but it's thick going down. Here's the recipe and then I'll share my thoughts:

1 Avocado, peeled and seeded, cut into chunks (I forgot to cut it into chunks)
1 cup raw spinach
1/2 English cucumber, peeled if not organic, cut into chunks (I used a regular one)
juice of one lime (I used 1 Tbsp organic lime juice from my fridge)
1 Tbsp green powder of choice (I used Garden of Life Perfect Food RAW)
top with 2-3 tsp ground almonds (I skipped this as I am avoiding nuts right now...)

Then it says, place the top 5 ingredients in a blender and blend well, until smooth.

Let's just say, I put it all in the blender and nothing happened. I even have a high-powered blender. I added a little water...this helped...for a little bit. I added 8oz of water which finally allowed the ingredients to become a smoothie.

So, here's the deal. It actually tastes good. It really does. But. But. But. I had what I think is a brilliant idea, since, really this drink is like trying to chug guacamole...

Add one or two more avocadoes, some fresh cilantro, a tomato and salt, up the green powder to 2 Tbsp and double the lime, then serve with fresh veggies sticks, yummy root chips or corn chips.

Seriously, your kids (or your husband) won't know it's got spinach, cucumber or the green powder in it. It's like that Deceptively Delicious book by Seinfeld's wife...except taken up a notch.

And, always, always, always eat this wearing your green retro snowsuit from the 70's.

All is NOT Vanity!

2012-02-01T22:30:00.000-08:00


"All is Vanity" by Allan C. Gilbert

I had a revelation a couple weeks back at group counseling. It was UH-MAZE-ing! So, here's a little history...once upon a time my mom was a beauty queen and a model. She fell in love with my dad, got married and had 3 little girls. The 3 of us girls used to play in her closet, trying on tiaras, donning "Miss So and So" sashes, prancing around in beautiful gowns, waving and smiling, and flipping through the pages of photos and article clippings, dreaming about what it was like to be a real princess, like our mom.

The funny thing was our mom had stuffed that memorabilia in bottom drawers and in the back of her closet, not because she was ashamed or embarrassed, I don't think, but because though it had been fun and special to be involved in such circles, it didn't define her.

In my mind, however, it was all I wanted to be. I wanted to be pretty like my mom. I wanted to wear beautiful gowns and have my hair done all fancy-like. I was that little girl who dressed up in her mommy's clothes and pretended to be a grown lady. I used to sit on her bathroom counter while she did her hair and make-up for a date night out with my dad. My parents were, and are, beautiful people. But not only on the outside.

Anyway, in junior high I used to look at Teen Magazine. Bad idea. Seriously, parents, it's not necessary, there is NO wisdom in it, and if you don't want your kids doing the nasty at an early age, it's best just to avoid it altogether. It doesn't feed their souls or minds. There's better "trash" out there, let's just say. ANYWAY, hello tangent, I used to Eat. It. Up. And, if you are near 40ish, like yours truly, you may remember the advertisement from John Casablancas for their "Model Search."

I remember it well.

I wanted to be a model.

I asked my dad if I could be a model.

He said no. He said I would lose my soul.

I remember being disappointed then. However, in time, even early on, like in high school, I remember being grateful he had said no. He knew something I didn't. (Imagine parents knowing more than their kids...)

I would have indeed lost my soul because I didn't know what real beauty was at the time. I just knew what I thought was pretty...and in my mind it included the approval of others.

Well, fast forward to my group counseling session a few weeks ago and the part where I have never loved myself.

I KNOW God is totally in love with me. I KNOW He is totally in love with you and I will tell you and everyone in the whole wide world so until I'm blue in the face.

But the part that says, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself," well, I've never loved myself. I don't believe I haven't been able to truly love others because I haven't loved myself. I'm pretty good at loving others. I love a lot of others. But I bet I've missed out on the extent to which I CAN love others...anyway...

But somewhere in my young heart and mind, way back when I wanted to be a model, I merged the idea of loving myself with vanity...

...and sooooooo, last Fall when I lost the weight that I knew I could lose and finally was able to look in the mirror and say to myself, "Yes. That's the girl I always knew was under there..." and I felt pretty and confident and finally liked the me I could see but then sabotaged my weight loss, I realized it was out of fear.

I feared being vain.

For years I had equated who I WAS with who I SAW in the mirror. And ironically, I had it backwards...and ironically "WAS" and "SAW" is a palindrome.

What I see in the mirror and who I am on the inside and outside are allowed to match. Yes, Paul tells women that our beauty should not come from our outward appearance, jewelry, hair, yada, yada, but from the inside, from our hearts. I get that. But there is nothing wrong with loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves, wearing pretty things, exercising, losing weight, doing things that benefit our bodies so that we can be confident in who we are in Christ, serving Him to the best of our abilities.

Beauty is not evil. Wanting to feel pretty isn't a crime.

I realize now that the last year of stopping the excuses, rolling up my sleeves, and losing the extra weight to find physically the girl I've always known was there, was my first step towards really loving myself.

And it wasn't in vain and it wasn't to be vain.

I did it to be healthy. I didn't do it to sit around and stare at myself or think of myself as all that and a bag of chips.

I did it to be free! And I'm feeling more and more free to finally love me!

I'm "Lo"

2012-01-27T11:46:00.000-08:00

Today as I hopped on the scale for my weekly weigh-in (I was going to start weighing myself daily but weighing yourself every day the week of your period is dumb...) it said, "Lo." Though, reading this when you know you are packing a little extra water weight really is kind of encouraging...even if it doesn't have anything to do with me :)

Of course "Lo" means the scale, one, can't spell, and two, needs a battery change but it's one of those lithium types that I don't just have lying around, so I need to plan a trip to the store.

But as I pondered the read out, "Lo," I thought, wouldn't that be nice if the scale read:

"Low"
"High"
"Just Right"

Or even better, what if scales were more like personal coaches or motivational speakers:

"You can do it!"
"Way to go!"
"You know you have what it takes!"
"Get off you butt and MOVE IT!"
"NO MORE EXCUSES!'

Or not have a scale at all.

Except that we still need ways to gauge our health. For me, those ways are making a majority of my food choices from raw fruits and vegetables, juicing green stuff, eating lean meats and good fats, limiting my processed foods, avoiding my allergens and indulging once in a while rather than indulging all the time and having a veggie once in a while.

Anyway, the scale is broken, my kid is napping, I'm headed to the basement to hop on the treadmill, it's snowing outside, and I don't feel like going out to buy a new battery just to step on the scale to see what my weight is today. I know I am down from last Friday, maybe a pound or so, just b/c last Saturday my scale did work and it read 137.6. Whatever. For my body, I know what foods to avoid in order to keep my weight around a certain number...I just have to decide to do it or not. And this past week, I didn't make that choice...

Derailment

2012-01-26T13:03:00.000-08:00

Have you ever driven slowly by the scene of an accident? Well, I mean, hopefully you have because we're supposed to slow down for the safety of those helping. But have you ever slowed down just to look?

Maybe you assess the situation, wonder how on earth that car got way over there or you hope and pray no one was in the back seat of the other car that now has no back seat. You say a prayer for those involved, and drive on your way...a little slower, maybe a bit more cautious.

Or what about trains? I heard years ago, what I believe is an urban legend, if you put a penny on a train track it will derail a locomotive. This is highly doubtful, but I looked it up just to confirm. Notsomuch. Just flat pennies and money taken out of circulation is all. However, the Federal Railroad Administration said that a cow, boulder, a car or other larger items could, indeed, derail a train. But, regardless of how a train wrecks, the truth is, they are large machines with heavy duty power driving them....when one of those bad boys goes off track, it's not very pretty.

It takes work to have it up and running again...

When my son was in the hospital the nurses once in a while would say, "We have a train wreck!" There weren't actual train wrecks happening, but it meant bad news and a busy night ahead for all those working.

Hollywood has tried to create train wreck scenes over the years and if you search you will find some pretty bad ones from way back when where clearly someone borrowed their child's "under the Christmas tree" train set to set the stage.

Yes, or maybe no, I suppose accidents can "just happen." But I'm not totally convinced. After going through what we did with Noah, I'm not so sure there is such a thing as "chance." But that's another post altogether.

No matter what, at least here in America, if there's a crash or accident of some sort, a derailment or train wreck, one thing we know is there will always be an investigation:

How did it happen?
What time did it occur?
Who was involved?
What were the circumstances?
Was weather a factor?
Did alcohol play a role?
Who is at fault?
Can it be prevented in the future?
What can we learn from this situation?
Basically, what happened?!?!

Anyway, I've been thinking for the last few days about things that "derail" me. I went to group counseling on Tuesday and, of course, it was friggin' awesome. But I've been asking myself questions, like those above, as it relates to food, health, and loving me.

I do really well in routine. I like it. I also like flow. I enjoy freedom. Notsomuch a fan of others trying to control me or my life, my opinions or my time.

The last month and a half have been really inconsistent on my part and so, I decided to:

Stop.

Collaborate.

Listen.

Figure out where I lost my mojo, if you will.

What derails me and causes me to eat 6 chocolate chip cookies isn't what derails you. I talked to a friend this morning. Someone brought amazing tortilla chips to work to share. That's thoughtful and all, but notsomuch for the one in the office who just. can't. stop. And, chatting with a girl at the store earlier, just the thought of her ex-husband drives her to snarf down the whole package of sugar cookies.

We have different triggers. For me, when I am sailing along in my routine and it's working nicely for me and then I physically leave my familiar surroundings for say, vacation or a road trip...DERAIL. As great as vacations should be, sometimes I don't know how to make good choices in those unfamiliar and unstructured settings, ie: tons of tortilla chips and tequila in Mexico, for instance.

As I've looked back over the last month+ I realize we've had the holidays, a trip to Mexico, I had a birthday and I started group counseling. Those would be the big dogs...changes. I've also had two kids who keep passing the sick baton back and forth. And this morning I've cleaned up dog barf 7 times. It's Superfun!

I've made good choices off and on. And I've made poor, unhealthy choices off and on. But, one of the best things I have done for my heart and mind is not throw it all out with the bathwater but realize it's a process. This isn't all or nothing, like I failed and am not a healthy person because I had a fender bender or even derailed. I know it's one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. And I know when my body feels good when I've eaten healthily and when I feel like I got hit by a train if I've attended my own personal carb-fests.

But I'm more aware and I think that's part of the battle. For me, my triggers include:

lack of schedule
clutter, either around my house or in my mind
so much to do I'm not sure where to start, overwhelm
neediness from others and not sure if I'm the one to fill the need
hitting snooze and not getting up when my alarm goes off, slippery slope in losing schedule
looking at too many food blogs for recipes, even if looking for good ones it can be food-porn

What are your triggers? What things or people or places "derail" you?

Secrets

2012-01-23T15:56:00.000-08:00

We all have them. Some are relatively harmless but others are so deep, so covered, stuffed far beneath the surface into the darkest parts of our hearts that we actually believe we're fooling those around us into thinking something isn't there that is indeed, there.

And maybe for a time, it works. Fooling others, that is. Or at least fooling ourselves.

However, if I told you to drink poison, would you? No. You would plainly know from the word "poison" that at some point, either immediately or gradually, you should expect a negative reaction, even death.

The problem is, most of us are pretty smart. Relatively speaking, of course. There are those. But I'm not talking about them, I'm talking to me and to you and we are pretty smart.

Except for the fact that we only use, or are able to potentially use, 10% of our brains. Yep. That leaves 90% untapped...and I've done a little math in my lifetime, sooooo....let's see, I guess it's safe to deduce we are smart but we have so much more to learn.

We wouldn't knowingly drink poison if we knew it could hurt us. Then why do we knowingly stuff hurts, scars and secrets? Especially the ones that were toxic to begin with like bitterness, jealousy, unforgiveness...holding onto that kind of stuff, no matter how far down we stuff it, still causes a toxic response, even if ever so slowly...

While my son was sick in the hospital, I had several epiphanies, if you will. One of those being, "There is no such thing as a secret."(NSTAAS) It came to my heart in a moment when my polished church girl, theologically trained faith prayer (PCGTTFP) was not lining up with the real, present time words running through my head and heart or the deep ache way down in my guts.

If you were to witness it, it would be something like this:

PCGTTFP: "Lord, I know you can move mountains! I trust you with my son's life! I know you can heal him and so I am begging you to please heal my baby!"
NSTAAS: (In my head/heart/guts) This totally sucks! My kid is dying. No one knows squat. No one can save him. You aren't answering my prayers the way I want You to. I would die for my son. Do You have any idea what it's like to know your son is going to die and you can't do anything about it? I'm so angry with You, God! If I were running the Universe it certainly wouldn't be like this! This fucking sucks! Make it all go away! Fix it!

And there it was. The moment I realized that if God was who He said He was, then He knew everything.

Every. Single. Thing.

He knew that even though I believed and trusted He could heal my son, at the same time, these thoughts and frustrations were running through my heart. And, it wasn't a secret to Him that I had dropped the "F-bomb" in my head or that I was disenchanted with the fact I couldn't see the Big Picture so none of my reality made sense.

This epiphany was one of the most freeing moments in my walk with God because I knew for the first time "There is no such thing as a secret." God knew my thoughts. He knew that as strong as I was trying to be on the outside wasn't always going to match the reality of my insides. Or vice versa. And since He is big, I knew God could handle this. It really made me love Him all the more.

So fast forward to modern day. Here's a big fat secret I've held onto now for 5 and half years...until last Friday when I finally dealt with it, but not because I planned it that way. Nope, I was fine harboring what had become something quite familiar and comfortable, really. I hadn't thought about it in a while, to be honest. I guess our secrets do that...when we want them hidden they become part of us.

Unless, of course, they are toxic to us and that's when the whole "God loves us" and "He knows what's best for us" and "There's no such thing as a secret" stuff comes in. Because if something dark is holding us back from the very best God has for us, He'll expose it. Oh baby, He'll expose it.

Long story short. For 5.5 yrs I've had bitterness and unforgiveness in my heart toward one of the doctors at my children's clinic. The weekend before Noah was admitted to the hospital we were at our friend's house for a birthday party. Our friend was an ICU nurse. She is smart. She looked at Noah and told me I should call the doctor. I remember thinking, "It's the weekend, I don't want to bother them...they are with their families..." She said, "Ade, he's retracting and is hypotonic. He's sick." She urged me on. I called.

The gist. After the answering service called the doc, she called me. In her tone I heard, "It's the weekend. Is this really so bad that you are calling me on the weekend?" In so many words, she said to watch him and bring him in on Monday when the offices were open.

A few days later we checked our son into the hospital for the rest of his life. From the time that doc called me that sunny Saturday afternoon in July, I vowed she'd never be the caregiver of any of my children...ever. Over my friggin' dead body.

And, over the last 5 1/2 years that's been a pretty easy vow to fulfill. Every time I made appointments for Emily, if that doc was in the office that day, I'd say, "Yep, anybody but so and so..." It worked. No big deal.

Until Friday. Like, Friday of just last week. Yeah. My baby has had a fever off and on and was starting the barky, walrusy cough. I wasn't a fan because I've already taken him to the ER for croup so wasn't wanting to relive great memories. I called ahead and we got there in time for a 4 o'clock sick visit.

I saw the names of the care providers in the office and for the briefest moment thought, "Huh. How random would that be if that's who sees Ryan?" But, it was fleeting and I forgot about it.

No temp. Bark, bark. Good weight. Cough, cough. "Anything else before I send the doctor in?"

Nope.

Knock, knock with a simultaneous open door...

And there she was.

And my heart was okay.

As I listened to her get down to business, check out my sweet little lover, and give us a plan for the weekend (ironic) my heart began to quicken, ever so slightly.

Let's just say God and I have been down the whole heart beating to get my attention road before. It doesn't take as much these days. I get it God, You want me to obey...yeah, yeah.

When she was finished with business and about to hop to her feet and head out...

Me: May I say something?
Doc: Sure.
Me: I want to apologize to you.
Doc: Okay?
Me: For five and a half years now I have had bitterness and unforgiveness in my heart towards you.
Doc: Oh? Okay.
Me: And, of course you had no idea. You see, we had a son who died 5 years ago and before he went to the hospital, I called on the weekend and you were the provider. Whether you did this or not, I don't know, but the conversation came across that you were put off by getting a call on the weekend. I was trying not to call but my friend encouraged me. A few days later we took him to the hospital for the rest of his life.
Doc: I am so sorry.
Me: I am so sorry. I'm sorry I held this unforgiveness for so long. Will you forgive me?
Doc: Of course. Will you forgive me?
Me: Of course.
Doc: What all happened with your son? I hope that we were supportive of you guys.
Me: It's a long story, but yes, the practice was very supportive.
Doc: I'm really glad you told me this. Even if it's the 40th call on a weekend, it's important and you bringing it to my attention helps me to stop and get perspective that when I'm talking to that particular parent, that kid is the most important person at that moment.
Me: Thank you for saying that. It means a lot.
Doc: I am so sorry. Thank you for forgiving me. My pastor just spoke on forgiveness last Sunday. I really appreciate you saying this to me, even after all these years.
Me: I'm sorry it's taken so long. I don't want to carry around this toxicity, so forgiving you gives me freedom, too. Thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate it.
Doc: I'd love to be part of your family's journey if you ever want to make an appointment with me.

I'm an apologizing and forgiving machine right now :) Just kidding. Don't push it.

But exposing my dark places to God's light is bringing me more and more freedom to finally be who God designed me to be.

Friday Weigh-In

2012-01-20T13:36:00.000-08:00

I'm kind of cranky but it's part of the process, maybe?! My weigh-in this morning was 139.6 lbs.

I threw out my back after hauling an armoire from the 2nd floor to the basement with my husband. I was so revved up to work out all week long and then spent the last 4 days stretching instead.

The other thing that busts my chops is that I've been juicing 2x a day for a week and a half. WTH?

And, the other thing that busts my chops is that 139.6 lbs, a year ago, would have been cause for celebration. Now I have one nice soft roll when I sit down and two thighs that give each other a high five when they pass by. I'm 5 to 7 lbs off my mark and it's crazy how much of a difference it makes

Last Friday I guess I forgot to type in my weight, but I know it was 137.4 lbs.

One thing we talked about at group counseling the other night was about "Maintenance." When I got to that circle on the chart I wrote in my notes the first things that came to mind.

They were:

How do I find sustainability?
How do I keep it "fresh," say, like a marriage needs to be kept fresh to stay alive?

Then, the picture of math came into my head, which is rare so that means I should listen. I saw an angle with degree points and straight lines at each degree. As the lines, all one degree apart, traveled out of the center of the angle you could definitely see space between the lines.

Translation: As far as "Maintenance" goes, sometimes I have to tweak my behavior just one degree to make a lasting change. Stop looking at the Big Picture and just make one small change, each day, one day or step at a time because it does make a difference in the long run.

And one of those steps is I'm going to start weighing in again every morning (have only been doing Fridays) and am keeping a food journal. These two small steps seem to help me focus a little.

Also, I'm starting my marathon walking schedule next week so if I can't cut those pounds off walking 450+ training miles in 5 months, then I guess they're meant to stay. (But they're not...)

Ladies Night Out!

2012-01-18T22:16:00.000-08:00

And by "Ladies Night Out!" I mean: a weekly women's only group therapy session I am attending for a total of eight weeks with a bunch of strangers.

It was really funny, I must say. My neighbor was literally shocked that I go to counseling.

What is the stigma? How "jacked up" does one have to be in order to qualify? Don't we all have baggage or faulty thinking or skeletons in our closets or hurts/wounds that may have scarred over but have healed pretty ugly?

Maybe not? *shrug* I don't know. All I know is, I got problems. Hello!

But what if people actually went to counseling BEFORE they were totally messed up or unhealthy patterns, thought processes or behaviors set in? What a friggin' novel idea! Wish I had thought of that 30+ friggin' years ago.

Prevention. Huh.

So last night, at Ladies Night Out, no, it's not called that...anyway, last night was friggin' amazing!

For reals! Uh. Maze. Ing!

I don't even have room here to blog all about it, but maybe I'll share it in a series. Yeah, that's it. I'll do that.

Okay, so our counselor gave us this hand-out by Prochaska & DiClemente called the Stages of Change. Now, you may remember this from your college Psych 101 class. I, however, though I likely studied it way back when, only did so for a test or paper...and sadly never applied it to my life. Huh.

You mean this was all preventable?! Probably notsomuch...

Anyway, did you go look at the hand-out? I'll wait... *drumming fingers*

Okay, so, if you were to read it from the top of the cycle at "Pre-contemplation" and then follow the arrows clockwise, over the last year as I worked my butt off to be a new, healthy thin person, I went through the cycle up until "Maintenance." At "Maintenance" I reached my 25 year goal of "losing those last 10 lbs" but not only that, did it in a way that was healthy and changed the way I not only viewed food and nutrition but how I viewed and loved myself.

And I did it for me. At least I thought I did... And it was good.

But then, I didn't really know what to do. Talking one on one with my counselor a few weeks back, she said, "It was like you accomplished your goal, so just checked it off your list of to-do's and moved onto the next item." She was exactly right! I told her that a year ago when I started this journey toward health and finally losing unwanted fat I wished I would have had a "What now?" or "Maintenance plan" in place. What a helpful tool this chart would have been last summer/fall.

The positive side of this chart is the "Upward Spiral" in the center. It says, "Learn from each relapse." And, looking back on my life, I realize I've traveled this "Transtheoretical Model of the Stages of Change" many a time. And each time, apparently through the process of relapse, I did learn a bit more about healthy eating, balanced lifestyle, whole foods, the mind game and weight loss, what my allergies and sensitivities are, how my body reacts to certain foods, which ones I should avoid and on which ones my body thrives..."How I'll do it better next time," if you will.

But, not until I was on the cusp of turning 40 friggin' years old (I'm not "friggin'" about the number...just in awe and a little crusty that it took sooooo long to learn this particular piece...) did the "Relapse" send me into a new spiral of learning what I've needed to learn this whole friggin' time.

And that is:

TO FRIGGIN' LOVE MYSELF!

REAL LOVE.

LIKE THE KIND OF LOVE GOD DESIGNED.

TRUE LOVE.

So yeah. I knew in my heart 2012 was going to be a good year. I had NO friggin' idea it would be the year I'd finally fall in love with ME! And I will ABSOLUTELY explain this in another post...because I know I am not the only one out there that has felt friggin' GUILTY or AFRAID of those words that God Almighty of the Whole Wide World Who loves us commands us to do...because it's so much more "righteous" and "spiritual" and "humble" to love our neighbors, but not ourselves.

Except. That. Is. Not. What. HE SAID!

One Foot in Front of Another

2012-01-17T09:52:00.000-08:00

You know, walking is something you learn. It's not just something you do one day, like you just get up and go or something.

Now, some of you are saying I must be crazy because their child did just hop up and start toddling all around the house one day...

BUT, you forget. I am a mid-life crisis mom to a 16 month old son who is showing me exactly what the process of walking looks like.

And it's not just a move where perfection is achieved off the bat.

It's been a blast watching Ryan develop. To be honest, I'm humbled by it and honored to be able to take it all in. On his 9 month birthday he started doing the military crawl. At first it resembled a first week Private or Recruit in Basic Training. As he continued to crawl each day I'd say he climbed the ranks and was worthy of Master Sergeant Ryan Crawler title by the time he was walking around furniture, holding onto it. Then we started holding onto his fingers, teaching him how to walk.

Around Christmas, New Years and my birthday recently, Master Sergeant Ryan Crawler took his first steps. And by "first steps" I mean, he stood up, unassisted, letting go of the furniture. As the days passed his strength grew and he would take one step and sit back down. But, he certainly wasn't worthy, and isn't even today, of the title Master Sergeant Ryan Walker.

He's still a Private. Actually, to be honest, the kid's a Seaman Recruit. He's not puking or dizzy like a new boy on his first submarine, but he does resemble a drunk guy on his first free weekend.

Each day, though, he's training and getting better at walking. He's growing stronger. He's gaining confidence.

He falls.

He stumbles.

He has had a few wipe outs.

But he still gets up and tries, each day, about 77 different times each day. He tries. And as he does, I watch him, cheer him on, coax him with my open arms, his favorite books, lots of slobbery kisses and his sippy cup.

He smiles HUGE and starts toward me, one foot in front of (or kind of side to side) the other.

The point is: I'm doing the same thing here. I'm learning how to do this healthful living one choice at a time.

Not even one day at a time, but one choice at a time.

One foot in front of the other. As Ryan develops, I'm learning about life, just watching him.

Today I'd say I rank in the lower realm of the Sergeant sector.

Maybe by November 4th I'll be the Commander in Chief of my own health and body?! And even then, we all know, I won't be perfect ;)

(I'm juicing veggies, eating tons of salads with leans meat and veggies, and praying and filling my soul with Words that bring real life and nourishment. However, I'm still recovering from the holidays and my birthday where I indulged. Chocolate, honey/rosemary/chipotle pecans and red wine are some of my down falls lately. I'm learning moderation. Hey, at least I'm not eating Mexican chips for breakfast, lunch and dinner anymore! And that's one step in the right direction!)

Ryan recently discovered this drawer, which no longer houses my baking stones. He's also enjoying magnetic A,B,C's on the side of the fridge as he takes breaks from walking the halls of our house all day. Those were Em's navy boots when she was a babe. What? No. I don't bother wiping his mini fingerprints off my stainless. I'd be doing it non-stop.

*I'm still trying to figure out how to post a video...anyone know how? I'm technically not a genius ;) Or rather, I'm not a technical genius...you decide. j/k

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

2012-01-06T09:05:00.000-08:00

I have ALWAYS lied about my weight.

By "ALWAYS" I guess I should think about that. I've lied about it since High School when I was old enough to realize my friends weighed less than me.

I even lied on my very first driver's license by 5 lbs. I guess even back then the number in my head and on the scale didn't match. I don't remember what number I wrote down, but I know it wasn't the truth.

But 5 or 10 lbs has always been my "lie buffer." I'm not justifying it. A lie is a lie. I've done it for so long regarding my weight that I guess it's become the norm to shave a few pounds off on paper work.

15 years ago my father-in-law took me to get my driver's license renewed in Minnesota. I wish you all could have known Steve Graves. He was the life of the party and made everyone he met feel like a zillion bucks. I loved that guy! Anyway, I had a good hair day and was feeling good because a student and I from the college where I worked had been getting up at the crack each morning and working out. I did not lie on that driver's license. My smile was genuine because I was looking at Steve trying to hold in a laugh while the girl took my picture. Did I mention I was 145 and it was a good hair day?

Fast forward to 2002. Jason and my pregnant belly and I had just moved from Minnesota to Colorado and I had to get a new driver's license. I was 198 lbs pregnant with gelato/custard/chocolate chip cookie weight, thought it was a good idea to let my hair go curly that day, and had on a large and in charge barf/Pepto pink maternity shirt.

I side-looked over each shoulder as I wrote: 150 in the weight category...5'10" in the height category...and Blue in the box for eye color.

You see, 5'9" to 9 1/2" has always been Five Ten for me (because in my head it helped distribute the weight...and it sounds runway-ish)

150 was a hellofalot better than 198, so writing that was a no-brainer.

And, my eyes are blue. And they are also green. And it just depends on the day. So, I guess that day they were blue.

My 40th birthday is Sunday. The Department of Transportation is closed Sunday so I'm headed to get a new driver's license AND picture today. The information will be as follows:

Height: 5'9"
Weight: 135
Eyes: (I guess we'll have to see, but this morning they have a blue outer ring with a green center...which is too long to enter into the small box that wants a straight answer so maybe I'll go with green for the next 10 years? Who knows?)

So there you have it. So there I have it. I worked my buns off over the last year to lose weight and gain health and a new perspective. It wasn't so I'd be able to tell the truth on my driver's license though that is now an added bonus. It was because I always knew the 5 to 10 lb lie buffer had truth in it.

It feels good to finally tell the truth ;)

I'm okay. Are you okay?

2012-01-05T08:14:00.000-08:00

My post from yesterday I said, "And four, but not an exhaustive list by any means, He knew Satan would tempt me on more than one occasion and that I'd hit bottom one day but finally look up to Him, my Source, to find what it was I was searching for in the first place."

A friend shot me a text and wondered if I was okay.

Totally!

I am feeling so great about this year, about my plan of action, writing and launching my non-profit business plan, counseling (both my individual and the group for ladies I joined)...I'm feeling balanced and healthy about turning 40, health and nutrition, exercise and building muscles to offset the aging :) I am inspired to organize and purge every corner of my house. I'm psyched about leaving as little and dainty a carbon footprint on the earth this year by continuing to recycle and reuse old jewelry for my business and other random crafts I have in the basement from the last 15 plus years. (Goal: not to buy ONE craft supply all year unless it's a vintage piece...)

I didn't mean that I was currently at rock bottom, or feeling like I was there. I simply meant that God provides ahead of time for us so that when we do go through tough times, we can be filled by Him and gain some perspective.

Nope. I feel good.

No. I feel GREAT! I am slowly gaining strength physically, spiritually, emotionally, and otherwise, as I trust that God is who He says He is and take one day at a time.

I have a busy year ahead and don't really have time to sit around and eat out of boredom, anyway. And, in the last week when I did get stressed and reach for a snack, it was a healthy one. A whole food type of treat. Lots of carrots/apples/dates/salad/walnuts/lean meat/raw veggies and fruit...healthy stuff.

I'll be doing the Avon Walk in the Rocky Mountains June 23-24 with my little sister and anyone else who will join us...so that means in 24 weeks which means that my 20-week training schedule is pinned to my wall and getting crossed off already. And training means proper nutrition and rest! You can't just cold turkey 39.3 miles, hello!

I'm hosting a retreat for women in the Midwest early summer so I'm getting my team together and getting all that figured out. Details to come...

And, I'm a wife to the best guy on earth and mom to one fabulous, intelligent and beautiful 9 year old and a now walking 16 month old.

This overeating business has been all about me...well, this life isn't all about me. I'm here amongst a great group of billions of other God-created people and it's up to me to gain perspective in the midst of that journey of who I am and why God made me.

My life may not all be in order, because let's be honest, that'll never happen, but it's in perspective because HE'S in perspective which puts me in a really good place...and the rest just kind of follows.

So yeah, I'm okay. Are you okay?

Food for Thought

2012-01-04T14:19:00.000-08:00

Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:13-14

"My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work." John 4:34

As a person whose thoughts have been bombarded with food oftentimes throughout my short life (currently writing this post as a 39 year and 51 and a half week old...) initially reading the quotes above were annoying. I mean, really, why would the God of the whole wide world have to use metaphors when speaking to us humans? And especially about food? Why not just say, "I'm all you'll ever need...I'm better than sex, food, money, tequila and even chocolate...just hang out with Me and trust Me?"

He actually did say all those things in different ways, but He also knew that one day I would need to read those verses to be encouraged that true satisfaction, satiation, quenching, fulfillment, all those things, could only be filled by Him.

He knew that I would be dissatisfied on this earth because I wasn't intended for here, trying to fill myself with things other than Him, other than His will, things that were only temporarily fulfilling.

He knew my issues would be with food...and I wouldn't be the only one.

So, He saw fit to write it down. In ink. On pieces of skin and dried leaves. In the hearts of people who would be obedient to pass it on, who may have even struggled with the same things.

He provided for me because He's always provided for me...for all of us.

Some might think, "How did He know your issues would be with food? Why would He let you go through something, conflict, a difficult time, addiction, loss, pride, heartache, grief, (not only talking food here, obviously, but trials of all kinds...) if He's really a loving God?"

Well, one, He made me. And He made you...whether you believe that or not. Two, He knew because He's super smart, I mean, you try designing a Universe...it's totally not easy. Three, He's not Santa Claus, so don't even get me started on that one...we live on earth so crap happens and just because we ask an old guy for something because we've been good doesn't mean it'll be under our tree (that's another post!!!). And four, but not an exhaustive list by any means, He knew Satan would tempt me on more than one occasion and that I'd hit bottom one day but finally look up to Him, my Source, to find what it was I was searching for in the first place.

So, as I've been going to Him during times of "bored eating" He has provided these scriptures, these truths, for me to feast on. I hope they'll encourage and fill you, too!

Holy Guacamole!

2012-01-03T13:00:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize how busy the last month was until I looked at the date of my last post here.

Wowsers! I feel like Fall and the beginning of Winter have gone by quickly already!

Anyway, I blogged in my head a few times but I don't suppose I hit "post..."

I went to counseling the week before Christmas where my counselor gave me the assignment of drawing up a business plan. Then we headed to Mexico to enjoy some time together as a family, as well as meet up with some of our dearest friends. Our trip overlapped by 4 days so it was a great treat to my heart to make memories and swap stories with people we love. My 16 month old did great, though he wasn't totally sure about sand. My 9 year old had a blast spelunking for shells and chasing waves with her friends. She also didn't mind the three day passes we got to enjoy at the all-inclusive where our friends stayed.

"What? You mean I can eat guacamole and get fruity tropical drinks all day just because I'm wearing this ugly plastic bracelet?! Cool!!"

And eat we did. We stayed at another friend's place that had a full kitchen so we headed to the grocery store the first day and stocked up on avocados, fresh salsa, totopos (thick, thick corn chips found in Mexico that rock the chip world...), almond milk, cactus and bananas, oh, and pork rind. Just KIDDING! EWWW! But seriously, they do have 2'x2' pieces of fried pork rind hanging in the deli section of the store. My friend Russ from Louisiana would like that, but me, notsomuch.

Anyway, I have to tell you the good, the bad and the ugly. There was no scale at the condo but I was on vacation and really my thoughts weren't wrapped up with numbers or if I was going to post a Friday weigh-in. I was actually pretty proud of myself. I knew from many past trips to Mexico, however, plus confirmed blood work that my totopo consumption would gradually catch up with me, but I wasn't freaked out about that either.

I mean, I was actually relaxed and enjoyed my vacation. That may not seem like a novel idea to you, you know...to relax on vacation, but in the past when my brain was in a bad place, food thoughts could ruin my outlook and attitude toward everything.

So, yeah. I went through a breakfast buffet and chose yummy food in proper proportions with a healthy helping of fresh veggies and fruits as the focal points. I ate more than the average helpings of guacamole and totopos every day. I went through a dinner buffet and skipped over all my allergens and had just veggies and meat, even skipping the dessert because it just didn't look that great. We ate at some fabulous restaurants and I ate normal portions of great quality food instead of filling up on stuff that was simply available...just because it was there.

It was like I had my head on straight or something crazy like that :)

And, for my friends out there that know of my love for Margaritas...well, I found a new tasty drink that is void of sugar that I now prefer over Margaritas. I know! You just spit whatever you were eating out of your mouth and your kid is looking at you, but it's true! Tequila, a fresh lime and mineral water does the trick. And if you want it sweet, like I did, I just added a packet of Stevia. It's called a "Tequila Macho" and it's yummy.

I did discover another new yummy treat, especially if you aren't known to drink. 70% or higher chocolate, fresh dates (pitted, obviously) and raw pecans. Take nibbles of each in one mouthful and it's super satisfying and yummy! My friend salted hers which was an added bonus!

Did the chips catch up with me?

Yep.

In addition to some fancy bloating, I broke out in hives on day 5 of 8. About 5 trips ago to Mexico when that happened I had to get a shot in my bomba (good thing I minored in Spanish in college and could navigate their local medical center!), but now I know why it happens and so, as hard as it was, I backed down from the chips. And by "backed down" I slowed my consumption but I also knew that until I got my American buns out of Mexico, I wouldn't be able to resist totopo yumminess. It helped. The hives subsided and, literally, the morning after I got home to a chip free environment, the hives were gone.

And, a first. I will tell you, I allowed my husband to take a picture of me in my bathing suit which literally I've only allowed while pregnant because I'm supposed to be rotund! I always loved and embraced by pregnant belly. And besides, no one knew my pregnant thighs were just as big when I wasn't pregnant :) But he has known now for 20 years that a picture of me in a bathing suit is about as allowable as the Pope getting married.

The act of having this picture of me, and not deleting it already from the camera or computer, is a huge step for me. I'm learning to love myself and chill out a little.

I didn't bring home any Mexican gut bugs, but what I did bring home, though, was a renewed attitude, a better outlook, a fresh ambition for life in general and 3 more sun spots.

Oh yeah...I had a counseling visit after I returned from Mexico and shared my business plan with her. I have another appointment next week, but first, starting tonight for the next 8 weeks, I'm going to a women's only group session...one on freedom from addiction.

Happy NEW Year! Happy NEW You! Happy NEW Me!

(Here's the pic...I never said it was full-length, but it's a start for me. And no, I won't be posting full-length pics of me in my suit eh-ver. Just the fact that I wore one in public without a cover-up on from head to toe was a big deal for me. I'm starting to embrace my almost 40 year old self and I'm good!)

I Ask Myself...

2011-12-08T21:39:00.001-08:00

How is it a person you know and love, say, like your husband, just as an example, can encourage you and tell you something repeatedly, like something specific to do, but then when a stranger, say, like a professional counselor, just as an example, tells you the exact same thing, it's profound and motivating and just what your heart's been seeking?

I mean, just as an example, of course...

So, when I've gone to counseling before (with this same lady almost 2 years ago, now...) I have a sense of time, money and urgency driving what I say and what I leave out. I know we are on the clock and that clock's ticking so I'd better cut through the crap and get to the good stuff...or it's cut through the good stuff and get to the crap? They both work...

Anyway, after filling out my intake "tattle tale" sheet which has a column on the left of symptoms, behaviors, or problemos and then columns to the right labeled for "Self, Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Mother's Mother, Mother's Father, Father's Mother, Father's Father," I was trying to get a game plan in mind as to what all I should ~~vomit all over~~ share with the counselor.

I started with a brief overview of being a closet eater starting at a young age, family dynamics throughout the years, my more recent triggers, what I do in the face of stress, and how I feel passionate about my non-profit but don't know if I'll ever get to do anything with it...

Before I knew it time was up and she said, "I have an assignment for you."

I anxiously awaited. Oh boy, an assignment! This'll be good...I'm going to get a game plan for not eating out of stress...

She said: When we meet again in two weeks, have your business plan ready to share with me regarding your non-profit.

I said: Sweet, that sounds awesome! Totally! (Or something enthusiastic like this...)

I said: Wait. One. Minute. How come my husband can tell me I need to do this for several months but you tell me one time and I'm all motivated to go for it?!

I don't have an assignment for food...but I think she's onto something. Like encouraging me to dream and focus on something positive, something about which I am passionate and I know God's called me to, rather than continue the cycle of beating the crap out of myself and spiraling down, down, down.

Next appointment, December 29th, 10 a.m.

Not Soon Enough...

2011-12-07T12:21:00.001-08:00

Seriously, my counseling appointment tomorrow can't come soon enough.

Ironically, one of my favorite books is "One Minute of Margin," however I do not have one minute of margin to even read the thing to find out how to create more margin. You see, I leave it in the bathroom where, before I had a toddler, I had more than a minute of margin to sit and unwind and take care of business. Now, I hold "having to go potty" until I can hold it no longer and then run to the bathroom, get in and out quick, and run back out to monitor any toddler damage.

Today I am overwhelmed and just want chocolate. This is annoying. This overwhelm was triggered by a parent/teacher conference last night, but I don't feel like getting into it right now...

I need to cut things out of my life. I need to cut people out of my life. I need to scale back. I need to say "no" and realize that if "no" received by someone else is fatal for them, that's their deal, not mine.

Random thought here: Maybe "scaling back" is manifested in my life by getting rid of excess fat through dieting? Results. Like how I love to purge closets and drawers in my house...hmmmm?

Anyway, who knows but what I do know is there isn't a clean surface in my kitchen, the dog follows me around all day doing upward/downward dog motions, I can't pee in privacy anymore and next to having a non-profit that is my passion and dream, the ideas and half-finished docs for a book, having a jewelry business that is a creative outlet for my frenzied mind, and being a wife and mom, it seems like I have to cut something out.

Let's see...it can't be wife. It can't be mom. I can cut out my jewelry/creative outlet, but then I'll retain stress. (Retained stress = large consumption of chocolate) And so, it seems like the very thing I've been designed to do, my passion and dream to encourage women and really get my non-profit rolling is the thing I have to put on the back burner, again, and that makes me sick to my stomach and causes my throat to tighten just thinking about it. I can't even see the screen right now b/c my eyes are all juicy.

I need to go take a deep breath and throw something, anything, away...

Question: Have you ever felt like you were made for something but that very thing is the thing you have to keep putting on hold?

Tracking

2011-12-05T10:44:00.001-08:00

Besides last Friday, I haven't weighed myself in the mornings for the last week and a half. This, surprisingly, isn't necessarily good or bad. It's kind of neutral...kinda. And by "kinda" I mean, it's neutral in my head because I haven't been obsessed with numbers lately, but as a way to track something tangible, I'm not ready to pitch the scale just yet.

I know some people don't own scales and go simply by how their clothes fit, or if they fit. I didn't own a scale for over 15 years and went by that method...the only problem was I would just go buy new clothes when the other ones didn't fit. And by "new clothes" and "didn't fit" I mean a bigger size.

For me, one size on the label can span a good 10 lbs, easily. Just because I can still zip the jeans doesn't mean they fit, per se. Hello, muffin top!

And, another change that has likely occurred because I've been busier than busy is I haven't written anything down in my food journal in over a month. This mode of tracking health, weight loss, food sensitivities and such is one thing I need to revisit.

Here's a link to another blog, Healthful Pursuit by Leanne Vogel, where the girl designed her own food journal entry form. I am going to use it as a guide, but not all of the components work for me and I'm also not a fan that one print out equals one day...I like to save paper and am a bit of a minimalist when it comes to this, so I'll be tweaking this. However, either way, it's a great resource to track food sensitivities and how my body feels after consuming certain foods. And, it'll be a good way to track the reason why I ate...

I already know, for a fact, that if I even look at a grain, I puff up, like a hot popcorn kernel, a puffed piece of rice cereal, or like this guy...Okay, maybe not exactly like him, but I do retain fluids, feel bloated, have achy joints (especially my left knee, wrists and fingers), ringing in my ears, have dark circles under my eyes and plump sausage fingers upon waking, and feel groggy in the morning when I've eaten too many grains (any simple sugars) in a day.

When I don't eat grains or literally eat them once a week, I have tons of energy, can spring out of bed, my skin clears, my joints feel fine, and overall, I'm a nicer person and just feel healthy.

Everyone is different and what works for you may not work for me, and vice versa.

But, let me ask you this: If you never eliminate a potential culprit, how would you even know if you have a sensitivity or not?

You wouldn't.

As a mom to a one year old, this time around, I actually followed the doc's advice and introduced one food at a time to my baby. Oh the novelty! Sheer brilliance, I say! This concept can be practiced with older kids and adults, as well, when trying to figure out food sensitivities and culprits, but instead of introducing foods, you are eliminating foods. And though it's a little harder, it's not impossible! (My 9 year old is allergic to wheat and dairy but has eaten them since toddlerhood...guess how fun it is to eliminate cheesy-dillas?!) Just find great alternatives, continue to serve them, and they'll either hate the new option and skip it altogether, or develop their palate for the new taste. No one needs quesadillas, so it's really not the end of the world, for Pete's sake :)

The Elimination Diet isn't hard unless you are addicted to starches and sugars, dairy or your particular allergen. There's a lot of information on the website "The World's Healthiest Foods" linked in the previous sentence, but it's scientific and medically based, so take their advice, not mine, and above all else, listen to your own body and how you feel! If you feel crummy, listen! If you feel fantastic, that's your body saying, "More of that good stuff, please!"

I'm digressing! My point is, I'm going to start tracking my food throughout the day again so I'm more conscious of what I'm eating and why, and then also track how I feel each day. In the past I've written down my food intake for a number of reasons, but mostly just to track weight loss or gain. Honestly, I am comfortable with that number on the scale from last week, but I'm more interested right now in knowing how I feel and which foods help me feel my best and which ones take me down dark alleys. I've always been told to avoid dark alleys...

Counseling countdown: 3 days. I'm looking forward to December 8th at 11:00 am when I head to counseling to talk about this more in depth with a professional. If you are putting off that appointment, ask yourself why? Why would you put off something that offers potential healing and freedom? Maybe you don't need it, maybe just I do...but one thing I know is I am looking forward to this next season of my life...

...the season where I'm finally free to be me!

Formulaic

2011-12-02T07:59:00.001-08:00

I love Merriam Webster! And, I'm so thankful for the Internet where I can just jump over to the Merriam Webster website at any given moment and do word searches and studies. I'm a nerd that way.

Anyway, I've been pondering the word formula recently.

Everybody wants one. Many people and companies boast they have one...the "one", the magic formula that will cure: input list of maladies and, by golly, the formula will clean it up, get 'er done, cure all, make you rich and then some.

I've bought into the formula mentality. Believe me, I've bought a few things after watching info-mercials...just sayin'.

I've bought into it in more ways than just weight loss or fitness. As a young Christian, I bought into the formula for behavior which was expected from a good church goer rather than believing the bottom line: God's in love with me just the way I am because His love is unconditional. His grace is called grace for a reason. Forgiveness was a gift extended to us...not that I could earn. Anyway, unknowingly I built walls between me and people I loved because in my ignorance, my love was conditional...formulaic.

"If you act like this + think like this = good Christian girl"

I understand, *ironically, that in chemistry formulas are important, especially exact ones. We tried to explain this to our daughter last night who wants to "blow things up" but doesn't want to do her math homework.

Math + Diligent Studying = Potential Chemist or scientist of some sort...

I've especially bought into the formula mentality when it comes to weight loss. A trainer told me once, "Calories in have to be less than calories out, that's the only way you can lose weight." I've believed this for umpteen years! This is not entirely true nor is it the only formula that works across the board. That's what Timothy Ferriss' book, "The 4-Hour Body" is all about. He totally bucks the system and formula mentality by experimenting on himself, just to prove these theories or formulas, wrong, or inadequate at best.

I've been a Christian now for almost 25 years. Over that time I've learned a lot more about God's character, who He says He is instead of who we say He is. While resting at His feet I have learned a lot and had my eyes opened to my naive enthusiasm that was completely self-driven in my earlier years. We've stayed the course. He and I. We have a relationship, not a formula of religious behavior.

As far as health and wellness goes, I'm trying to break free from the formula mentality. And, when it comes to my body, eating and fitness, that's tough when I function well within structure. I mean, obviously eating a Big Mac everyday with a side of fries is a formula, for sure, for malnourishment and disease. Hello. I haven't eaten at McDonald's since I was pregnant with Emily back in 2001, so this isn't a problem for me. But a pan of brownie edges or a tray of chocolate chip cookies is another story...

I know enough now that eating as closely to the way God designed food is optimal for me. Limiting sugar and carb intake helps me feel my best. Exercising and being outdoors always feels good, even if I didn't feel like it initially. And, keeping myself busy keeps me away from the grazing mentality that is linked to stress and boredom. I know these things. I think I've been trying to figure out how to neatly fit them into a formula so I can wrap my brain around them, have it work and fit nicely into my lifestyle, and be on my merry way.

...except life doesn't fit neatly into a little box so I'm learning how to operate within something called "grace." I understand grace extended to me from God.

Now I just need to learn how to extend it to myself...Do you?

*I failed chemistry in college...

The Permissible Sin

2011-11-29T21:04:00.001-08:00

Oh man, I know I'm going to offend some people with this, though that's not my heart, intention, or motivation for writing out my thoughts here tonight. I'm not saying I know it all or that since I'm in the midst of this I'm the queen of all wisdom. Just sharing some thoughts...

It's just that I've been in circles where it's not talked about and truly, from experience, more promoted than anything.

It's sad, too, because there could be a balance. There could be so much healing and freedom. Yet it's that elephant in the room no one speaks of, that booger in a person's nose you don't know if you should point out, the risk of sounding judgmental instead of genuinely caring.

Gluttony.

I'm calling it out because God called me out on it years ago. He told me I was a glutton, gave me a dream about it, and smack-dab I opened the Bible flippantly one day to what I thought was just a scripture reference in my head, and ta-da, there it was, God's perspective on gluttony.

I've heard preachers talk about adultery and fornication. Some have focused on it more than others. Interestingly enough, they were struggling with those sins secretly, but now not so secretly...

I've heard preachers talk about money, tithing, giving, prosperity. Some have focused on it more than others. Again, strangest thing but they were struggling with the love of money, and to the naked eye, really not that secretly, ie gold plated jet, $2000 suits, mansions.

I've only heard one, count 'em, one preacher talk about gluttony. I know him personally. He is open with his love of food and how it can drive him to egg and cheese topped burgers with a side o'fries chased by a large chocolate shake at times. He's the first preacher I've ever heard or known who has kept it real, been honest and truthful about his struggle and his pursuit of God in spite of himself.

I wish there were more preachers like him. I wish I was more like him. (Not the egg on the burger part...barf in my mouth a little...)

Maybe it's easier as a guy to admit your faults? I'm not sure since I'm not a guy, but being me, and I'm a girl, it's hard to admit and air my wrongs, failures, shortcomings...sins.

I've basically grown up within a church setting, if you will. I went to public schools but on Sundays and some Wednesdays since I was little I was involved in one way or another in church. I saw A LOT of stuff go down over those many years, let me just say. A LOT. Nothing different than what you see go down on Desperate Housewives or Modern Family, or even Jerry Springer...because churches are not made up of perfect people, contrary to what we try to portray or what people outside of the church walls want to think that we think...

But one thing I haven't heard at any church pizza night, pancake feed, or ladies potluck, is that within the church walls, gluttony is not permissible. I haven't heard it, but I also haven't heard otherwise.

No Smoking.
No Drinking.
No Drugs.
No Gambling.
No Dancing (a little Footloose, here...)
No Sex Outside Marriage.
No Skirts Above the Knee.
No you fill in the blank.

I've never heard a rant or even a peep saying, "No Seconds or Thirds."

Obviously everyone doesn't have a problem with the love of food. Everyone isn't addicted to porn, either, but we hear that message a lot. My point is that I think within the church, gluttony has become the permissible sin, because it's not as bad as sleeping with someone else's wife, toking the Mary Jane, or having that fourth glass of wine. That's what we'd like to tell ourselves, but in Scripture, Jesus doesn't compare sin. Sin is just sin. It is what it is.

It's just food so eating too much of it or thinking about it all the time can't be that bad for us, right?

I'm sorry. I just don't buy it.

My body was made by the Holiest of Holies. God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth. He told me my body is a temple and that I am to worship Him with all of me.

So, being the idealist, realist that I am, for me, part of this journey to freedom from food addiction, aka gluttony, is to confess my sin (He already knows, but wants us to admit it...), receive forgiveness and walk as a person who is healed, drawing on God's strength to view food as it should be: a gift for strength, healing and sustenance, something that is good, from God, and mine to enjoy in health and moderation.

Isn't it interesting that the very first offense against God by man was eating something that wasn't good for them? Profound...

T-t-t-t-t-trigger, of course!

2011-11-21T18:44:00.001-08:00

(Isn't that a line in a song or something?!) Oh yeah, it is, here's the link...hilarious!

ANYWAY, the last week has been pretty good food wise. I have kept myself very, very, very, very, very, very busy, as I said I would. I tell you, when busyness is productive and not just busyness for the sake of being busy, well, those big item tickets start getting marked off the "To Do" list and....drum roll....there's not a lot of time for snacking out of boredom.

Some of those big ticket items entailed painting a bathroom and the dining room, changing the chandelier in the said dining room, and hanging crown molding. I was going to sew curtains but my mom told me to create a little margin in my life, so I took her advice and realized we don't need curtains before Thanksgiving. Do we ever really need them? No. No one needs curtains, unless your shower is glass and faces your neighbor...we need food, water, shelter and some clothes, but that's another post.

So, I'm not going to lie. I mean, just painting a bathroom doesn't sound stressful or like it could trigger stress eating, but I'm anal. I hand cut in my edging because I like clean, straight lines. That in and of itself isn't necessarily stressful, but wrapping my body around the toilet with my head in a precarious position, much like this, it can become stressful. Painting the dining room wasn't stressful, though I had to stand like this most of the time trying to paint the cove ceiling so as a result my neck had a kink in it which earned me a neck rub, so, the stress didn't stick around too long.

Last week I ate Paleo style, eliminating high glycemic starchy foods, eating tons of salads and meat, raw veggies and pretty much an apple each day. Besides the fact that my 15 month old cut 6 teeth and didn't sleep amazingly, I felt great, didn't have gas and wasn't hungry between meals. I got this great book from the library called Everyday Paleo by Sarah Fragoso. I'm thinking Paleo will be my first choice round of the 4 month eating plan when I start officially.

ANYWAY, where the stress, or trigger, came in was when Jason started cutting and hanging the crown molding. THAT is NOT a simple thing, I tell you! It looks beautiful now, but baby there's some wood putty, let's just say...

The tipping point, or real trigger that drove me to pour a large glass of wine and consume a heavy dose of chocolate was the hanging of the chandelier. Hoochie mama, was that super fun?! #$%^&* Our marriage is happily still in tact but standing on a chair holding a chandelier while your hubby stands on a bar stool twisting wires, your arms shaking because you did the extra long version of Jackie Warner's workout earlier, and the little stinking bolts that are supposed to secure the mighty piece to the ceiling keep falling to the floor...well, like I said, it was a large glass of wine.

For reals, my husband is an engineer and even he said the chandelier, at least how it is secured to the ceiling, was designed poorly. I hadn't even added the weight of the glass candle covers, and to be honest, all I could imagine was the whole thing falling to the table during Thanksgiving causing senior citizens, and even junior senior citizens, to have heart failure. Jason added two extra screws, secured in sheet rock anchors, and literally, the stress lifted. No one will die at the dinner table! WHEW!

Anyway, house projects can trigger me even though I enjoy doing them. And, as I asked myself that question last week about being angry, I learned a few more of my triggers. Now I just have to figure out what I should do when I'm around a trigger or something or someone triggers me.

I think awareness is half the battle. Do you have triggers?

I Ask Myself?

2011-11-15T12:52:00.001-08:00

So, as a result of yesterday's post I received some encouraging emails, texts, calls, prayers offered up for my crazy self. Thank you! Seriously! Thank you all so much for your encouragement! I promise I wasn't fishing, but I will say your love and support has lifted me! (I linked yesterday's post to Facebook...here's what I said along with it:

"To be real honest with you, I don't like sharing this particular blog with friends...it's easier to share it with strangers who don't know me from Adam, don't care about me, and won't ever hold me accountable. So, please forward this to "other people" and let's just keep pretending I have my act together..."

One friend emailed me the questions, "YIKES! This has nothing to do with 10 lbs on the scale. You are absolutely being tyrannical and why?"; "You would never approach your Emily with this kind of perfectionist rant. But it's okay to treat yourself this way. Why?"; and finally, "I think I would want you to ask yourself - for the next 24 hours - to prayerfully seek out what you are so angry about. I had a counsellor spring this on me once and I was in shock and considerable denial. What? Me angry? No way!"

So, I asked myself...

Am I angry about something? I don't think I'm angry, but am I, indeed angry?

WHOA! I tell you what, all you have to do is pick up the phone and call the counseling office...you don't even have to make an appointment, just the act of it can set digging up the past and healing for the future in motion! And, of course, asking yourself if you are angry about something...but DO actually make the appointment since the can of worms is open and not meant to be tackled alone. (Unfortunately for you, I don't feel like it's appropriate to go into all my anger issues here either ever, or, at least until I speak to a counselor who can help me maybe put it into words that can encourage you on your own journey.)

My friend is partly right. It isn't about 10 lbs up or down on the scale. And, it is. I feel like I've lived the last 20ish years of my life wishing I could just lose those last "10 lbs." And I DID lose those last 10 lbs, just a few months ago, and about 10 lbs ago.

And inside, and outside, I was happy!

I DID IT! I STUCK WITH SOMETHING, STAYED DISCIPLINED, WORKED HARD, AND FOLLOWED THROUGH!!!!

But it had been a goal for so long that when I reached it, I really didn't know what to do with it. It sounds so strange, I realize, but it's almost like I didn't know how to be the 10 lb lighter me. (THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN AN IDEAL TIME TO HAVE BEEN IN COUNSELING...NOTE TO SELF...)

I did it for me and only for me, so I wasn't ready or even thinking about what others would say. I mean, when we watch "The Biggest Loser" we cheer them on, even shed tears we are so happy for them, but when I finally break through a physical stronghold that has symbolically been a spiritual and mental battlefield, there was no party held or overall congratulatory sentiment. Instead, with wrinkled brow one person said I was too skinny. Someone else said they weren't used to me being thin. "You're not eating enough," spoken to me as I was eating an extra large salad with meat, veggies, oil and nuts on top...

Don't get me wrong, there were plenty that celebrated with me. They told me "Great Job!" and "Tell me what you did?!" I was encouraged and shared my story, encouraged them they could do it too, that I hadn't felt healthier inside or out in years, that I was so glad I finally felt clean and healthy. It helped my heart to know I could encourage someone else on a similar journey.

So then why were those few negative comments so detrimental to my mindset? Why did I listen to their words, digest them, and instead of allowing them to leave my body as waste, keep those negative sentiments (disguised as concern) stored up in me? (*Did you know that fat cells store toxins? Do you see the symbolism here?)

Anyway, the big bold letters up top tell a lot of the story...

I'm glad my friend posed the questions that she did. It gives me some homework to do over the next few weeks as I prepare for counseling. Poor counselor better hold on tight and bring a napkin because I think I may just puke all over her...symbolically, of course!

Spinning

2011-11-14T08:38:00.001-08:00

As I stepped out of the shower yesterday morning, I wished Jason hadn't been there, brushing his teeth. I felt frumpy. Squishy. Not svelte. The last few days I have felt like I am spinning out of control, like some toy top with no destination. My head has been jacked up. Jacked. In High School when we all had to shower and change in an open setting for PE, I was the girl strategically holding my towel with my teeth, backside up against the open locker, maneuvering my clothes so no one would see my parts. I'm NOT that way with my husband, but I will say that when I feel fat or ugly, I wish for his own good he didn't have to see me.

Perspective. It's all about perspective, though. What my eye sees and what my husband sees are apparently two different things. I wish I could see what he sees 100% of the time instead of seeing through the foggy battleground that is my mind!

Me: Sweetheart, let's just talk about the elephant in the room...no pun intended, ironically...

He stared at me blankly.

Me: Sweetheart, obviously I've gained 10 lbs in the last month...I feel out of control with food and I just need to figure out how to get my head on straight! I'm sorry I'm such a freak!

Him: Adrienne, I think you are gorgeous! I just wish you would go to counseling like you said you wanted to for a while, and get some help. I know your mom or my sister would be glad to watch Ry while you go to an appointment, or you could go on a Friday when I work from home. I just want you to be okay...

Me: You are right. I'll call tomorrow.

I have gone to counseling off and on in the past for grief. Several months back I called to make an appointment to talk about body image but they didn't have an opening for a month and feeling as desperate as I did at the time, a month was too far out, so I just never made an appointment. I must have gotten my act together for a time because life just went on.

Well, this past weekend was a horrible, no good, very bad weekend in my food arena. Not only did I eat out of boredom and stress (it's not that I am ever bored...it's that my plate gets so full I'm not able to get a clear picture of priority vs. busyness and I want to accomplish SOMETHING so then I just multi-task piddly things that don't leave me feeling like I did anything right!) but I unknowingly ate a hearty helping of really yummy turkey meatballs that were likely made with egg and gluten, two of my allergens. I'm NOT exaggerating when I tell you that my stomach was so distended yesterday and last night I looked 7 months pregnant...and I'm not kidding! That's just how I looked...how I felt was like a pregnant lady in her first trimester but with 2nd and 3rd trimester cravings! Confession: I tried a new gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, soy-free chocolate chip cookie recipe and ate a dozen. I sent the rest to Em's class.

This morning at 8:30 I called the counseling office. December 8th is the first opening. Tears rimmed my eyes because it seems so far out there! I secured the time slot and breathed calmly not letting the receptionist hear the choke in my throat that was tightening from the tears that were now flowing. I even smiled as I finished up the call so as to mask my now shaky voice.

It took a lot for me to make that call. The funny thing is, just the act of making the call helped the spinning in my head at least slow down a bit.

I know I have problems. That's why I have this stupid blog. Why I feel out of control lately, I'm not sure?! One thing I do know is until December 8th at 11:00 I'm going to keep myself very, very, very, very, very, very busy. When I am busy I don't graze nor do I have time to think about food. There is a scripture in Titus that talks about the young wives being busy at home. God put it on my heart the other day. I've translated my mile-long task and to-do list to actually being busy when in reality, I've been doing the fight or flight approach. All the things that are left undone in my home are so overwhelming and seem daunting that I blow them off and survive in the day to day, accomplishing things that are daily tasks, therefore never checking off the big ticket items...

No point to this post and no eloquent way to end it. I'm spinning. I'd like to stop spinning and just be. I want to be free to finally be me.

More thoughts tomorrow...

Documentation: Ladies Only!

2011-11-11T10:09:00.001-08:00

It's Friday which means I updated my weekly weigh-in. I'm up 3 pounds from last week, but I also want to be scientific and document my circumstances, so I have to take into account that I started my period this morning so have been eating large volumes for the last 3 days! I'm thinking that's likely why I am up a little. (Ya think?!) I want to learn how to listen to my body and not be ruled or driven by a number on a scale, so, on the weigh-in page next to my entry it says, "menses" for my own record.

Over the last several years I have experimented with eating and avoiding certain foods around my period or during the two weeks prior to its arrival. First of all, let me say my brother-in-law is a Naturopathic doctor and Acupuncturist. He studied at Bastyr University and knows a lot about women's health. It was from him that I first learned this information...putting it into practice, though, was another story!

I'm not sure about you, but way back when in Junior and Senior High, and in college, there were days I'd skip class or school altogether because I had such horrible cramps and bloating surrounding that time of month. Now, when you are in Junior High and this happens, there's an element of "cool" because, well, you have your period. But let's be honest, as a grown up, there's nothing cool about wasting a day away, or even two, laying on the couch because you are in so much pain. It just plain old sucks and isn't practical as a parent, in my case!

So, I decided to experiment and put Dr. Graves' wisdom into practice. How "wise" could it possibly be to avoid chocolate EH-VER, let alone prior to when I wanted it most?! I guess we would see...
For the two weeks leading up to my period, this would be from the time you ovulate, I took out all caffeine. This helped a little with breast lumpiness and tenderness, but it didn't eliminate my bloating, pain or cramps. I was still eating whatever I wanted, thinking coffee and chocolate (the only 2 things I really wanted) were the only culprits. They weren't.

The next month for those two weeks leading up to my period I eliminated caffeine and refined and processed foods like: sugar, flour, crackers, cookies, muffins, etc. and really focused on eating whole foods, including meat, veggies, and fruit. (*Don't ask, "Is there anything I can eat, then?!" Yes, there is! I ate salads with grilled chicken, steak, sweet potatoes and asparagus, huge spinach salads with salmon, grapes, pecans, balsamic dressing, stir-fry with tons of veggies and meat minus the rice, etc. You can eat a ton!) Anyway, at this point I was still eating yogurt and eggs, not knowing I had sensitivities to them at the time (I just figured I was "farty" for life...yes, I just wrote "farty"...). Regardless of the sensitivities, I was blown away by the results! My period, which historically for me was always heavy and lasted one full week, was a piece of cake! At least according to my standards! Three days and no cramps! Cha-ching!

When I finally found out my allergies and sensitivities and combined that knowledge with eliminating bloating/inflammatory foods the two weeks prior to my period, I hardly even knew I had a period, it was just that non-monumental! (Would that be nonumental?) And I wasn't farty, to boot!

So do I eat this way all the time, given I KNOW it works and my body loves me when I treat it nicely? Nope. Like I said yesterday, in the last month I've recently had some tough food weeks (damn Halloween). And by "tough" I mean I've knowingly hosted my own carb-fests, knowing it'd pack on a pound or two or more the next day, but also knowing how to lose it rather easily by cutting them out...unfortunately, it's gradually stayed on going from 132ish to 138ish..

What the heck is my point?! Not totally sure here but I will say this, if you are of the opinion that food and disease or autoimmunity or fatigue and cramps, aches and pains are not related, if you have not actually experimented by eliminating culprits out of your life (and replaced them with whole foods) and spent time documenting the results and how you feel, then your opinion isn't scientifically-based but rather craving-based...and that just doesn't hold weight in this discussion. This is why America is so hooked on medication! We don't want to do the work to eliminate the culprits...we want drugs to cover up the symptoms!

Don't get me started...that's another post, altogether!

In the meantime, have a great weekend! See you Monday!

Ade xoxox

p.s. I'm having some problems with the "Labels" so will hopefully be able to add them later for your navigating convenience :)

Time vs. Goals

2011-11-10T10:33:00.001-08:00

So, I had a thought this morning...it occurred to me that even though I've had a goal or number in mind to reach over the years, I have functioned more within time frames, or dates of completion.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to explain my thought process, but let me try...

For sake of example, officially P90X is a 90 day program. What you end the program with after 90 days is the result of the workout and discipline, but what if it's not your goal weight? Of course, if you stuck with it, you'll be happy with the results regardless if you reached your goal because it's a great program, and if you didn't, you'd sign up for another round until you did.

For me, I ~~think~~ no, I know, I've been looking at certain dates or frames of time in order to accomplish my goal so when that date or event rolls around and I didn't lose those specific pounds or whatever, I get discouraged...and then I usually temporarily give up and self-sabotage.

Is this even making sense?

This is all the more reason why I need to get a lifestyle plan that works for me!

Also, the way my mind works, I need to set small, attainable goals that are not time-sensitive or time-restrictive, and work towards those. It's really semantics. It might take 3 weeks to lose 10 lbs, for example. And, it's possible that you could lose 10 lbs in 3 weeks. Same thing, but maybe thinking about it differently? Glass half-full/half-empty type of thing? However, if your goal is to lose 10 lbs and it takes 4 weeks or 7 weeks, your goal is still the same, it's not a race against time, it's a journey towards a final outcome or result.

Man, this is freeing for my head to write this out!

Maybe you've known this all along, but for me, it's been more about a race against the clock...not my biological clock but clocks like: beach vacation coming up in 4 wks, summer break/have to take kids to pool in 6 wks, shorts season approaching in 3 wks. Does anyone know what the freak I am talking about, here?!

Speaking of biological clocks, I turn 40 in two months. I'm really excited about it! I think it's kind of cool, like coming of age, finally being a grown-up :) Anyway, I was telling myself in my head that I wanted to be steady at 132 lbs by January 8th, mine and Elvis' birthday.

BUT INSTEAD!!!! I am setting a goal of 132 lbs. Today I am not there but I was just a month ago. I had a couple of rough weeks with food between then and now. But, all my new jeans fit nicely at 132 (and I can't afford to go buy the next size up and I got rid of all my old ones...so...) and I'm not totally flat chested like I was when I was down at 128 or even 130...I like a little bosom on me :) so 132 works for me. Anyway, when January 8th rolls around, I will weigh myself that day because it's part of my morning routine, but if I haven't reached my goal by then it won't throw me off, because my goal is not on a time frame, it doesn't have a deadline, but it's still motivating nonetheless.

You may be thoroughly confused, but I'm glad I figured this out! Another step towards freedom!

(FYI, I posted a fall breakfast recipe under the recipe tab...check it!)

Made for Greatness!

2011-11-08T13:25:00.000-08:00

One reason I am so passionate about conquering this addiction is the time and energy that is spent on any one given day.

I have wasted so many years of my life wishing I was skinnier or had thighs like her or a flat belly! It's frustrating and I'm not going to let it run my thoughts anymore!

I know that when God designed me, and when He designed you, He had greatness in mind.

Greatness!

And, He designed us in a way, like Himself, in His image, to live and love BIG!

He intended for our hearts to be consumed with love, our minds to enjoy peaceful thoughts and our bodies to move and function in total health. And, this not only for ourselves but so that we could encourage others. Imbalance and stress or overemphasis in one area or another causes us to get out of whack. Random examples: instead of love we hold onto offense, allowing bitterness and resentment to build up in our hearts...then our minds follow suit and it's all we can think about, how so and so hurt us and we'll never let them forget it...and then, that offense hardens our hearts and literally builds up in our bodies manifesting itself in so many different ways, ie. over-eating or eating junk, addiction, not taking care of ourselves, even obsessing about weight loss/management or exercise, etc...all things that can lead to disease...all things that are self, self, selfish.

No. Nope. Nosiree. When God made me I know He made me for greater things than food addiction and self-loathing! It's so interesting, really...you see, I believe we are tempted or slyly lured away by the Devil by things that are the opposite of what we were made for or how we are meant to impact our world. Example: My name is Adrienne. It means "Rich, Bold and Confident" however, looking back at different seasons in my life, I have struggled with insecurity, poverty of heart, and never feeling like I am good or pretty enough.

If you ask any one of my closest friends what my passion in life is they would answer, "Adrienne LOVES women and wants to see them know just how in love God is with them!" If you don't believe me, call this number: 867-5309. Just kidding. Not so sure my friends want their cell numbers posted in the blogosphere. Anyway.

But seriously.

I believe that if I keep on allowing myself to be side-tracked with food addiction and its effects, I will be side-tracked from doing what I was meant to do and what I love to do most: ENCOURAGE WOMEN!

Now, I love the guys, too, don't get me wrong, but High School is the earliest memory of really wanting to encourage and inspire women to be who God made them to be. So, I go with it. I know there's someone else out there wired with the same passion to encourage and challenge men towards greatness, so I'm not worried about them missing out :)

So, there you have it...the driving force behind my desire to be healed and free! I've pissed enough of this life away on this topic! It's like I'm Eve, stuck at that damn tree with the frigging apple dangling in her face!

Move away from the tree, Adrienne...and move on to bigger and better things!

Searching for the Right Fit

2011-11-07T11:43:00.000-08:00

There is a method to my madness. I'm sure in your heart and mind you have a method, too. It makes sense to you, but to onlookers, well, they just may not get it.

If you looked at my "Diet Reviews" you may have come away overwhelmed with all the ways of eating I have tried.

I feel for you.

How do you think I feel?

In trying out different "diets" over the years or ways of eating, if you will, I know that at the beginning I was looking for the quick fix for fat and weight loss, even if that meant compromise.

Now I am looking for what makes my machine run optimally. I want to know, and practice, the way of eating and stewardship that helps me spring out of bed in the morning to meet the day, utilize the nutrients in food for energy and health, and eliminate and halt the autoimmune responses that are already occurring in my young body. I'll talk about these in another post...

I have figured out some of my allergies, but I know that sometimes I eat something that seems like it should be a "safe" food and I bloat up or almost kill my family with noxious gas. (Why lie? This is an "honest" blog site...right?!) *This almost ALWAYS occurs for me when too many sugars/starches/grains/dairy have been consumed, fyi.

The point is, I need to listen to my body, love it, take care of it and give it nourishing, healthy, whole foods a majority of the time.

I take the time to feed my spirit and my soul through reading and prayer, but my body has been neglected and abused.

It's time in my journey to listen to my body and stop just watching numbers on a scale!

So, I am searching for the right fit...that is, the right fit for me. And, I'm not talking about jeans or a number on the scale. I am talking about a healthy way of eating, every day, not just a week here or a week there, but a lifestyle, that will have me feeling my best to face each day.

Every book I've read on diet and health allows for a "cheat day" or a "day off" where anything goes, or two cheat meals in a week. So, with that understanding, I know I can make healthy changes and once in a while still have beloved chocolate or a plate of yummy gluten free pancakes.

As a result, I have done some research over the last several months. There are three ways of eating, three different approaches according to style, but all with similar theories, I am going to test on myself over the next several months to a year to find what works for me. My idea is to give each "program" or lifestyle 4 months.

Feel free to join me if you'd like, or try your own thing and share. However, the criteria is this: the program must have whole foods. What are whole foods? Whole foods are foods found closer to the original design of how God made them. So, for instance: an apple is a whole food, whereas an apple cinnamon sugar cereal with Red Lake#40 is not. Therefore, if you try a system that is based upon processed boxed foods, powders and artificial sweeteners, and still lose weight, that's fine to share your celebration with those of us reading here, but as far as health goes, I won't ever recommend or encourage another person to go down that road, as well. God didn't make Red Lake#40...He made red apples, red tomatoes, red peppers, red onions, red beets, red strawberries, red cherries...you get the idea :)

So, here are the plans:

This Is Why You Are Fat (And How to Stay Thin Forever) - emphasis: cleaning up the organs, balancing hormones, ridding the body of sugar addiction, eliminating autoimmune diseases, building strong muscle.
The Yoga Body Diet (Slim and Sexy in 4 Weeks Without the Stress) - emphasis: eliminating stress, eating according to your body type and body's needs, bringing overall balance, building lean, long muscle tissue instead of bulk.
The Paleo Diet: Lose Weight and Get Healthy by Eating the Foods You Were Designed to Eat - emphasis: eating foods we were genetically designed to eat (no grains, processed foods, or dairy), eating closer to the way "early humans" ate, protein/veggie/fruit/nuts, eliminate autoimmune diseases, build athletic muscle and performance.

I haven't decided in which order to begin, because they all seem pretty solid, but if you have one in particular you'd like me to try out first, by all means, let me know and put it in the comments.

If you have a friend that you know is struggling with similar issues, just wants to learn about a new way of eating and health, wants a fresh blog to read, or just wants to gawk at a lady on her search for freedom from addiction, feel free to share this journey with them as I share my own.

Maybe I'll even give away a copy of the book I'm following to a blog reader, just to make it fun for everybody :) Details to come...

2011-11-07T05:39:00.001-08:00

Just a head's up...

2011-11-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

Hey, I just wanted you to know that I don't necessarily endorse or support all those ads on my blog. I am cleaning that up as soon as possible with the help of my techy hubby, so don't judge me :)

Friday Weigh-In

2011-11-04T07:30:00.000-07:00

So, if anyone knows how to change my "Weekly Weigh-In" page format so it can be in blog entry form, please shoot me an email at adexoxox@gmail.com or comment here. Thanks!

This morning I got on the scale after I emptied my bladder and it said 142.8. I thought, "Okay, that's weird, but maybe that's what it is." And I didn't even freak out or go into a tailspin. My head was on straight, but because of the previous day's number, I wasn't totally convinced. Then Jason hopped on and he said it was off by quite a bit.

We have a 14 month old who likes buttons. He likes to push buttons. He likes to push buttons on mommy's scale. I'm sure as he gets older he'll learn how to push some of mommy's other buttons...

After my husband with 10+ years of education in engineering played around with it, it finally balanced. Also, I knew it could not be right since yesterday my journal entry was 136.4 and yesterday was not my "day off" or "cheat day."

Tim Ferriss, the 4-Hour Body Guy is how I'll refer to him here, says that a cheat day can pack on between 1 and 8 pounds, but it comes off within a day of eating healthy and clean again because it's mostly water weight hanging on in our fat cells. So, I don't freak out about numbers all that much anymore. But, like I said, yesterday was not my cheat day.

Anyway, I can't believe I'm putting this out there. There you have it.

Have a great weekend!

Ade xoxox

Cha, cha, cha, cha, changes!

2011-11-03T00:22:00.000-07:00

So, I made some changes to this blog...this blog that I've neglected...on purpose...because I haven't wanted to face my demons...and because life's been busy and I haven't made it a priority.

The problem is, I keep getting emails encouraging me to actually write on this blog. I'm not one for crowd pleasing or peer pressure, but I do give into my gut. (Ha, no pun intended since a lot of times I do give into my gut which is kind of what this blog is all about.)

I mean, my gut has been telling me what I've known for a while...I thrive with consistency. Writing here, journaling my thoughts and sharing this journey is one way for me to have consistency and structure or routine in my life.

So, as you can see up at the top of the blog, I've added some tabs, or pages. Go check them out. I'd love some feedback if these are helpful pages or not...and I suppose if I should add another one, what should it be?

The page I'm not super excited about but it will be a good motivator is titled "Weigh-In." I know, it's ballsy...and at this point, I'm at a healthy weight and not even trying to lose fat but build muscle so it's not like I want the number to go down necessarily. The page is more of an accountability check for me to maintain. With the holidays coming up, it'll be interesting to see the numbers...anyway, I'll update it every Friday as long as I have access to a scale.

It's also for you, if you'd like. But, if you don't want to share, you don't have to....but, it'd be nice if you did :)

There you have it. I need freedom. Total freedom! I am ready to live my life healed and this is part of the process.

Day 1, number 8 billion and 36...

2011-06-08T08:57:00.000-07:00

...or something like that.

In my new food/weight loss journal, I am on page 11.

Of the 11 page entries, 3 of those pages are titled, "Day 1."

Today is the third of those days...

I'm not sure why I have the need to start over each time I make a mistake and don't stick with an eating plan. (I just changed the "don't" in the previous sentence from "can't" which I had initially typed...because, let's be honest, I can stick to an eating plan and so can you. We are able. It's that I don't make the choice to, at times.) As I was just out on the hammock enjoying 5 minutes of quiet on this beautiful summer day, I think I actually figured out WHY I keep drafting "Day 1's."

It's my own self-driven desire for perfection. Why do I think I need to be perfect? No one is perfect. I'm not even sure anyone is expecting perfection from me. There is no such thing as perfect, anyway. Even models are airbrushed!

Maybe it's my innate desire to be as I was intended to be, like God created us to be way back when?

Nope. That's not it.

I'm not going to pretend it's that spiritual. Not in a good spiritual way, anyway. Actually, as I just grabbed a slice of my apple, (that's ironic...) and was about to type out a different thought, this one came to mind, "The pursuit of perfectionism is the original sin. Like original, original...like when Satan wanted to be just like God. Perfectionism makes you your own worst enemy."

Huh.

Hmmmm.

Hmm.

So then do I give up my pursuit? I mean, losing 10 lbs is not so I can look like God, it's so I don't have bat wings or a roll when I sit down.

No. I don't think I need to give up the pursuit of losing 10 lbs and being healthy. I just need to change my mind, my thinking, my perspective and come to the realization that even when I do lose 10 lbs, I won't. Be. Perfect.

So, on a practical note, I also think I've had lots of "Day 1's" because many of the eating plans I've followed are 3 or 4 phases of 2 to 3 weeks a piece, and they build on the success and adherence of the previous phase. But, I think my head has become too legalistic, so, starting today, on this "Day 1" of the next 8 weeks, I will write the rest of the days in my journal in sequential order.

And, if I have a day that is less than satisfactory, I will journal it. I will simply just write it down.

I know. It seems like this should be obvious, nothing near rocket science, but for me, it's like a brand new discovery. I'm only on "Day 1" yet this revelation to write out the good, the bad and the ugly, but without making a new "Day 1" each time I mess up is kind of exciting! You see, I'm a really good starter, but the follow through is touch and go sometimes, especially if something seems to be dragging on or has lost my interest. And, I imagine with my unhealthy drive for perfection, writing down something that "outs" my failures isn't something I want to see in writing. But I think it will be good for me. Part of the journey...

You know the weird part? This is all relative. I mean, for me losing 10 lbs will help me feel healthy and strong. It's not like I'm going to go send in pictures of myself to some agency, because, one, I would have to lose 30 for them, two, I don't want to be a model, and three, it's not for the recognition of anyone else.

Nope. Those 10 lbs are for me. And I know I can do this.

Triple C's

2011-06-06T07:10:00.000-07:00

Last week was a roller coaster. I was doing splendidly, eating all the right foods (lots of green stuff and colored veggies, good proteins), felt fantastic, physically and mentally, and then WHAM-O! I was hit like a ton of bricks with strep throat. At first I thought it was just sinus stuff because that can affect your throat, but then I got a text from my friend whose little girl had spent the night over the weekend reporting that she had it.

After two days of tolerating the pain, I woke up as the main act in the sword swallowing act at the circus. I will be on antibiotics for two weeks! Arghhhhhh!

The crazy thing, which isn't crazy b/c I know what drugs can do, but I had lost 4.5 lbs in 3 days last week by eating so healthily and taking out all my allergens. And then WHAM-O! As soon as I started taking the antibiotics and sucking on sugary throat drops, the scale said I had gained 5 lbs. Seriously?! But yeah, even though antibiotics kill bad bugs, they also kill the good ones that we need in our bodies, so, it's obvious that I'd retain lots of excess fluids in my cells while I'm on the drugs.

Anyway, yesterday I needed chocolate chip cookies. I was even so desperate that I entertained the thought of making them with gluten-y wheat flour, knowing I'd stink for a few days. Actually, I wanted them so badly that I even thought of asking Jason to bring one home from the grocery store bakery...and let me tell ya, that's gotta be desperate because, really, how good can those waxy things actually be?!

Yeah, I thought about them.

I tried to ward off the evil thoughts.

I thought about them again and again and assured myself just a few chocolate chips would suffice...they didn't...not even a couple dozen chocolate chips sufficed...

I finally decided I just needed to go ahead and whip up a batch, eat some, and be done with the pestering thoughts, already.

So, that's what I did.

And I made them super big. They were so stinking delicious! I ate 5, as well as dough while I scooped them up. I'd show you pictures, you know, all fancy blog style, like, "Here's me cracking an egg if you've never cracked a stinking egg ever in your life", "This is my batter in my fancy mixer" and "This is me scooping dough onto parchment paper like a real chef." But, I ate them up too fast, then gave them to Em and Jason, then bagged them and shipped them off to work with Jason so I didn't have to look at them again...so that's why I don't have visual aids.

And guess what?! It worked.

Making the cookies, eating some up, enjoying them, but not wanting to eat another and then getting them out of my house totally worked.

I don't need cookies anymore. Today I enjoyed my eggs and spinach and didn't want cookies. I'll eat them again one day, but now I know how I need to do it.

I need to make them as a batch for other people or events where many people are involved, not only the people who live in my house, then give some to Jason and Em, you know, the hot fresh ones, then ship the rest off for the enjoyment of others, as well.

How do you get the cravings out of your house?

Testing, testing...

2011-05-26T14:25:00.000-07:00

So, not too long ago I would have freaked out if the scale read a pound or two more than the previous day.

I'm not exaggerating. For reals.

And by "freaked out" I mean, I would have obsessed, thought I was a failure, given up for that particular day, and thought, "Oh well, I'm destined to suck at losing weight!" And thought it was darned near the end of the world...except we all know that already came and went :)

Previously I said on here that I wouldn't recommend weighing on a scale each day. I would like to retract that statement...I said it when I was mad at the scale. I have a better relationship with it now.

It's my scientific friend.

Let me give you an idea of what the scale has shown me in the last week:

Monday: 148.6 (Had just come off a weekend of eating whatever the heck I wanted...I guess I'll need to define what that means at some point because my "whatever the heck I wanted" is different from the next guys...)
Tuesday: 147.4 (Monday I made some simple changes, got rid of the processed carbs but ate lots of veggies, some fruit, chicken and steak...)
Wednesday: 144.4 (On Tuesday I had lots of veggies, meat and fruit, some red wine with dinner and then a cupcake for dessert...I was at a going away party, what can I say? But, either way, I still lost a boatload of lbs. from the previous day.)
Thursday: 144.2 (On Wednesday I had a second gluten-free chocolate cupcake with butter cream frosting b/c if it's around, I want to eat them, and, I had paid good money for those cupcakes, so wasn't going to allow "no-carbs" to get in my way. Why lie, right?)
Friday: 145.2 (So, Thursday I had eaten Greek yogurt. I ate it in lieu of taking my normal daily pro-biotic supplements. I wanted to see what getting my pro-biotics through dairy would do to me because I have a dairy allergy. Well, apparently it encourages my body to retain fluids, aka toxins in my fat. I also had a yummy pina colada that my hubby made me...I'm pretty sure that was a culprit, as well, but after the week we've had, you would have had one, too!)

Now, could it have been that the 2 cupcakes caught up with me? After the first one I ate, I had lost 3 pounds from the previous day. So, I don't think it was that. Honestly, I've approached this last week as an experimental one so I could see what foods were culprits, journaling my food intake, how I've felt in the mornings...basically testing food and its effect on me.

Now, obviously, if I'm trying to cut out high-glycemic carbohydrates and sugars for a time, eating two cupcakes and having a pina colada won't help. But, they showed me that my body is sensitive to sugars, that is for sure.

Here were my constants each day, these things never changed:

3 servings of lean proteins (eggs, chicken, fish, beef - I have low iron so need the beef)
4-5 servings of veggies
1-2 servings of fruit, ie; apples or strawberries
Organic lemon detox tea w/lemon each morning
Organic green tea
RAW Green powder drink each day
Apple Cider Vinegar and Flax Oil
Supplements: my multi-vitamin w/pro-biotics and omega fish oil
At least ten 8oz glasses of water throughout the day

So there you go. I am not freaked that I gained a pound because it's more intriguing to know what foods bother me. Today, Friday, I have eaten just like listed above, minus any sweets. I did have the remainder of the Greek yogurt with Stevia and cinnamon in it. Usually I eat coconut yogurt, but it doesn't have ANY protein in it, which is part of the point of consuming pro-biotic yogurt. My friend, however, just told me about a good trick to change that: add a scoop of protein powder (I buy "Garden of Life" RAW protein b/c it doesn't contain any of my allergens...you can buy something yummier like whey, pea, or egg protein) to the coconut yogurt and, voila, I have yogurt that contains both pro-biotics and protein! I will try that soon.

It will be interesting to see what the scale says tomorrow.

Even after the week we have had, I didn't eat emotionally, nor did I obsess about the scale or what foods I was consuming. My goal is still between 135 and 140, but I feel like I've got my head on my shoulders, presently.

And I'm on this journey, one day at a time.

Blank

2011-05-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

This is going to be quick because my heated blankie is upstairs waiting for me. And by "heated blankie" I don't mean Jason. I mean an actual blanket, the best Christmas present I have ever received, and it was something I had put away for the season, but, it's been pulled back out since Spring won't spring!

Anyway, I do know this is all trivial in light of what people throughout the Midwest and South are experiencing. I really am praying for them and asking God to show me a practical way to be of assistance from this far away. I have driven through Joplin probably 50 times in my life from AZ to MI and then in college from OK up to SD and MN. I have family and many friends that live in Minneapolis. I have heard stories. I have seen pictures. I have watched the news. I am praying.

I don't feel much about writing on the topic of food today. I have written my food entries and my weight in my food journal. I picked up another book at the library yesterday that I've been on the wait list for now for 2 months. It's called The 17 Day Diet by Dr. Mike Moreno. I had researched it while I was on the wait list and from what I have gathered, it's similar in approach to The Fat Flush Plan. It also incorporates some of what is in The 4-Hour Body...and basically that is, eat lean proteins, lots of veggies, eat or take probiotics, eat low-glycemic fruits before 2pm, good fats like olive oil and omegas, and low amounts of carbs, carbs coming from legumes or veggies.

This is all stuff I know. And it works. And I know that, too. Don't eat white stuff...

This book, as well as the wired guy from The 4-Hour Body book, said that in order to really stick to your plan and get results, you had to journal or document with pictures and writing, and you had to make your journey known. Either with a buddy who would do it along with you, or an online journal, or something. I haven't wanted to tell you that stuff. Not sure if I will, yet, or ever. Just writing has been a baby step for me. But if I could do this with somebody else, it might work better? I don't know. When I have worked out with friends in the past, at some point, we have mutually brought each other down, or cheated and not really been tough on the other. Not sure what I want. Not a lot of people want to go public with their struggles, let alone their weight and measurements...

Anyway, I want to be done with this blog, that I know. Not because it's vulnerable but because it's lame that I have to even "go there" in order to be free from it.

The forgiveness part has been huge for me. My eye surgery has been huge, too, for some reason. One of my biggest driving points is my daughter. She is the age I was when this whole stupid journey began. More than anything, I want her to live a life free of this struggle. I have kept it on the DL as much as possible, from her. I watched people I loved yo-yo diet and it's not what I want to model to my kids at all. We don't even use that word...

I am on a search for balance. I know my body is different from yours and the guy's next door. So, my journey will be different. But the balance part, my view of food and view of myself, those are things that are coming closer to center than being way out in left field. I just don't want to spend a whole lot more time actually caring about my weight when there are far more important things to care about in the world...like real people, with real hearts, that long to tell their stories...

F...f...f...f...f...forgi....forgive...ness

2011-05-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

Man!

Jesus said some hard stuff.

Like the one about forgiving 7 x 7o times. At least we can stop forgiving the culprit at offense number 491...it gets me through sometimes...just kidding.

So what does that mean? Let someone keep treating me like crappola? That is not what forgiveness means. It's not what Jesus meant. I think it went more like this:

In junior high a boy told me I was fat in my bikini. I wasn't. He was just an ego-maniac and I was a 7th grader who had hit puberty. At the time I just thought he was an idiot. Over time he's proven it. After some time I forgave him. And since then, as I can still remember the kid and remember the conversation, I have had to forgive him as the offense creeps up into my heart, even as a 30+ year old.
My freshman year of high school, a sophomore boy I thought was cute, who flirted with me even, told me I was built like a football center. I wasn't. He was. But, over the years as I've looked in the mirror his words of pure ignorance have come to mind, even though that has never been the reflection at all. I have had to forgive him, even though he has no place in my life as a grown up, because those words, those lies, come to mind even now.
Someone I was hesitant about anyway recently went off on me cat-fight style. I was shocked. The person is younger than me, so part of me wrote it off as that, but the words the person chose were so targeted, hurtful, direct and calculated that, even after extending forgiveness, the conversation and nasty emails still creep up into the forefront of my mind sometimes, causing me to be offended by that other person...and defensive in my heart and mind. But, as their face flashes through my mind and I encounter their insincere greetings or gestures, I remember what Jesus said and say in my heart, "I forgive that person...I forgive that person...I forgive that person." I may be nearing 490 for that particular person...but maybe that's why Jesus said that number, because He knew no one would really want to keep track...
There are more, and you could name a few, too, I would venture to guess?

The point is, it's not that the person continually offends me, it's that I have allowed those lies and hurtful thoughts to linger...I have held onto them. I have held them close in order to justify the walls I have built around my heart.

Jesus didn't encourage us to, "Say you are sorry 7 x 7o times." But, sometimes that's what we expect...we want the offender to be sorry. Of course that's a good thing to want, but we can't make another person feel badly about treating us like crappola. Not even holding onto unforgiveness can do that...that only makes us feel like crappola...

Instead, Jesus equipped the one whose heart would be hurt with the tool to be free, the tool of forgiveness, letting us know we will likely have to forgive that person on several occasions, perhaps for the same offense, perhaps for the repeated memories, but as we do, we will gradually know real freedom, real life, real living.

For years I have hidden and eaten for comfort...because people have said dumb things. No, because I believed their lies and tried to protect myself. Any excuse, every excuse.

I know now what they spoke were hurtful lies, not truth. And I let myself believe them.

But using food as a comfort because another hurt my feelings just lets them get the best of me...and no one but God can have that anymore!

Yes, it was their fault for opening their big mouths. We need to choose kind words.

Yes, it is up to me to forgive them. I need to choose love.

And, it's also up to me NOT to believe them but to believe what God says about me.

He doesn't think I'm fat in my bikini and He doesn't think I'm built like a football center...

...He thinks a lot more of me than either of those two really lame sentiments. Actually, God thinks the WORLD of me...which He demonstrated for me years ago on a cross...

The Research Geek in me

2011-05-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

I'm a research geek.

Ironically I wasn't when it was assigned in school, but in real life, I enjoy it thoroughly and am fascinated by what I find.

I'm mostly talking about the human body: disease, health, nutrition, exercise, natural/organic solutions. You won't find me researching the NASA website, though it's amazing, but on a whim, I ran over there as I was typing that, looked at the pretty pictures of the vast Universe, then got an email from a friend, remembered I need to order some cupcakes for a party next week, headed to their website and just stared for 17 minutes at the delicious menu and pictures...

BUT, I'm back to whatever my train of thought was here...what was it? Oh yeah. Research.

I am not a doctor.

I actually failed chemistry, so that would be why. Anyway, the reason I am telling you this is because *this in no way is an endorsement or prescription for medical help or advice of any kind. I am a wife and mom and researcher for self-help...my self. I am a seeker of pure health and I am not giving you unsolicited advice. I am just sharing my journey and the things I have researched over the last 12 to 15 years in the area of those things I mentioned above.

Pain, lack of sleep/energy, bloating and gut pain, puffy fingers and dark circles under my eyes each morning, short-term memory loss, irritability/crankiness, desired weight loss, among other things are some of the reasons I have sought out the following books/authors/doctors/websites/recipes/programs. Here is just a random sampling in no particular order:

The Fat Flush Plan (and her cookbook) by Ann Louise Gittleman
Eat Right for Your Blood Type (and his one for pregnancy/baby) by Dr. Peter J. D'Adamo
40-30-30 concept, mid-90's
The G-Free Diet by Elisabeth Hasselbeck
Power90 and P90X with Tony Horton
Walking/Swimming/Biking/Lifting/Gym membership
The Weight Loss Cure by Kevin Trudeau
Change Your Brain, Change Your Body by Daniel G. Amen, M.D.
Cooking Light magazine
Nutrition Almanac by Kirschmann and Kirschmann
Feeding the Whole Family and Feeding the Young Athlete by Cynthia Lair
The 4-Hour Body by Timothy Ferriss
Lyme's Disease sites and all related diseases/ailments
The Mayo Clinic website
The CDC website
Food allergy testing
Fasting/Cleansing/hCG
My brother-in-law, ND, LAc
My good friend, DC, FIAMA
And more I am forgetting...

The 4-Hour Body is my most recent find. The guy is so random that I can easily track with him. Here's a quote I personally love from his book, "Fortunately you don't have to be a human guinea pig to benefit from one." He was referring to himself since he's allowed himself to be the subject of many a science experiment to defy theories and long-believed trains of thought, faulty ones, at that.

Anyway, the reason I am sharing all this is because these, among other things, have encouraged me on my journey toward health. I don't believe every single word in every single book. I do not follow one book as if it were the formula to the fountain of youth. That is not my pursuit. Over the years my journey towards being skinny has changed into one of being a healthy person. I now know that entails body, mind and spirit. Sounds cheesy, but it's true.

Part of the problem with me lies with the reality that I think I know too much and I am an idealist.

As my friend says, I need balance. Moderation. 'Tis true. A bit of moderation is good. But, from my idealistic side, a moderate portion of toxic waste isn't something I want to whip up for dinner one night or swing through the drive-thru to consume. I know one margarita is good, 3 might be over the top. I know that a dozen tortilla chips is a fine serving, but 2 baskets before dinner comes is out of control unnecessary. I don't judge you if you think eating monkey brains, red dye #40, artificial/chemical sweeteners or waxy cheap chocolate is okay. We all have our vices. But I'm just trying to figure out when it comes to food, healthy choices, and treats once in a while, what does "moderation" look like for me?

The idealistic side of me then goes, "I can't have any chips...they are the devil...I won't have any: blah, blah, blah, because it's bad for me."

The researcher in me, however, has found that I am unable to breakdown and process or utilize gluten...and, as I've eliminated it, I realize I am not missing anything, really. And I feel better. I also have a heck of a time with dairy. It's okay. I'd rather eat a hunk of goat cheese anyway and I haven't chugged milk since high school. Kinda gross to think about...And, knowing what I do about fake foods that are uber-processed, I just can't get myself to munch on them, even if it is in "moderation."

Where am I going with this? Not really sure, but even if you are walking this journey because I've decided to walk it plainly, publicly, doesn't mean that all the right answers for me will be all the right answers for you.

You have an addiction to food for different reasons than I do.

You look in the mirror and see a different person than I do.

We are different on this journey, but doing it together can bring encouragement along the way, to both of us.

Meanwhile, I'll keep writing. Tomorrow, it's about forgiveness. Yuck!

A blur of a week...

2011-05-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

No excuses, life just got too busy, hectic, and crazy and so, I haven't been embracing the blogging world. I've been eating both healthily and like a kid in a candy store. But, I've also been praying, reading, and researching, so, at least in my mind, I am moving forward. I'll share some of that tomorrow...

My nephew got croup last week and was admitted to the ICU at Children's in Denver for the week. He was on a ventilator and had some really rough sessions. My sister and her hubby were champs and tag-teamed the whole week. I was up there some. It's a different facility than where Noah was for his hospital adventure...but the smells are the same, the machines still all make the same sounds, and the nurses still rock! He is out and home and on the road to full healing, but the turkey came down with croup on Mother's Day...not cool, mister!

The week threw me off as far as knowing what day of the week it was. As my nephew was stable, I decided to look into redeeming my Mother's Day present...Lasik eye surgery. I had already done the research and initial appointments and had determined the clinic where I wanted the procedure done, so gave them a call regarding dates and times available.

Me: Do you have any appointments for Lasik in the coming weeks, preferably on a Friday? (Jason works from home on most Fridays...)
Him: Let's see...we have an opening at 10 am on Friday, May 13th, on the 20th at 10, as well, and another on the 27th.
Me, quickly running thru the upcoming weekends in my mind: How about the 13th...I don't have plans that weekend so would be able to rest and recover.
Him: The 13th at 10 am, that sounds great. I have you down.
Me: Blah, blah, blah.
Him: Blah, blah, blah.
Him: So, we'll see you tomorrow morning, then.
Me, shocked that the day I was calling to simply inquire about an appt was Thursday, May 12th, and indeed, I would be seeing clearly in less than 24 hours: Shut up! That's TOMORROW!
Him, not rocked by my "Shut Up!": Yes, that's tomorrow. See you a little before 10.

So, yeah, that was last week. And I can see! It's fascinating! I keep reaching for my glasses on my face and next to my bedside table...but they aren't there! They've been on the kitchen counter ever since last Friday. Apparently I don't need them anymore! Apparently I don't clean my kitchen counter that often...A friend, much more spiritual than I, told me he's waiting for God to miraculously heal his eyes...(he said with a wink). Honestly, as I was lying there, lasers doing their thing, I was thanking God that He created the human brain, designed intelligence, provided synapse responses in some smart people at one point that realized there is a way to heal the eye and I was in the middle of that beautiful miracle!

And as my eyes have been literally opened, I can see more clearly the girl in the mirror. I have seen her through glasses and contacts for years. But over the past couple of weeks, can't really put my finger on it, but I can see the girl in the mirror...and I don't hate her guts. I haven't fallen madly, deeply, head over heels in love with her either, but I think she and I are getting to know each other a little better...at least I am finally giving her a chance.

Making Out

2011-05-05T07:25:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a busy week! I think when I'm really busy, active, not around the house in close proximity to the pantry, I don't really think about food as much. Maybe I should get a job out of the house? No. My non-profit and my jewelry business can both be done from home, and the thought of leaving Ryan makes me nauseous, so I can't escape the house, just need to find the balance.

So, the other day, Monday morning, I was 151.2, then the next day I was 150. Yesterday I was 148. Today I am 148.2. All in a week. I've eaten well and not grazed in the kitchen. When I wanted "crunchy" I have chosen apples and almonds and ants on a log. And the ".2" came literally after just having some rice and beans with my dinner last night. I also had a dozen corn chips, thinking, "It's just a few...it shouldn't throw me off..." I guess I'm just that sensitive when it comes to carbs. I'm not concerned about the numbers...just reporting them because it helps me keep my head in the game.

HJ, it's not that I'm not having any carbs. It's that I'm trying to make the right carb choices. The closer any food is to the way God made it, the better it is for our bodies. For instance, our bodies recognize a whole grain better than once it's ground into a fine flour. It was designed to process it and use it to its fullest potential. The more we eat the foods that are processed and refined, the slower our bodies are to know what to do with them, thus storing them...It's not that I think I can't ever have these, it's that I know these things can't be the majority of my food intake.

Anyway, so, the other night while I was praying about this whole journey, something came to mind that I've never related to my eating patterns. When I was somewhere between 2nd grade and the beginning of 3rd grade, I was asked to play a game. It was in a friend's fort in his back yard and the game included me, two neighbor boys who were in either 3rd or 4th grade and another friend. The boys wanted to pretend they were Santa Claus and we had to sit on their laps and tell them what we wanted for Christmas. They told us we had to ask for French kisses. I didn't know what a French kiss was but I was soon to find out. I'm not sure how long this Christmas extravaganza went on that day, but what I do know looking back on it, is that I remember not liking it at the time. I remember thinking it wasn't something I wanted to be doing. I remember feeling like it was something I wouldn't want to tell my parents because I thought I would get in trouble. I knew it was something I wanted to hide.

I know now that my parents wouldn't have punished me.

Now, as an adult, I am mad that Satan is such a freaking pervert! I am ticked that he lies to our hearts and minds to believe that something that is supposed to be beautiful should be hidden.

I love making out with my husband. I didn't love making out with boys in a fort in Mesa, Arizona. That's too grown up for an 8 year old. Heck, it's too grown up for some college kids I've met.

Anyway, I've never really thought of that fort experience as anything other than kids being stupid. I've never related it to anything in my life as far as habits or behaviors go, because I have a healthy and beautiful relationship with my husband. But, as I trace my steps, this all happened around the same time that I began eating secretively. And, looking back at relationships I had with guys in junior high and high school, I can see that I was secretive with my behaviors with them, hiding make out sessions from my parents, not communicating with them about things, looking back, I could have saved my heart from.

I forgive those boys. One of them died while I was in 3rd grade, about a half hour after we walked home from the bus together. If I didn't forgive them then, I have already at some point, I know that for sure. I don't think the make out session with the Santa's was the reason I started eating secretly. It may be one of the key ingredients, but either way, I'm grateful God brought it to my remembrance as I am retracing these steps so I can go there, forgive again if I have to, and walk away from it knowing that I'm not a bad or unworthy girl just because I played in a fort one day in 1980. And my body doesn't have to keep taking that abuse...

New Beginning, take 2, or 3, maybe 4...

2011-05-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

Has that ever been the case with you?

Okay, today is a new day. I'm going to start TODAY. Today is THE day, the beginning of all my carefree tomorrows...

And then, by 10 am you've browsed the fridge 12 times and the empty carbs in the pantry have wooed their way into mind, heart, and watering mouth...and then the day is shot and it's a crap shoot and, "Oh well...I messed up...too late for today, maybe I'll try again tomorrow..."

Yeah. You aren't alone. I've been there. I've done that. I'll probably do it again at some point. The reality is, upon discovering or realizing that we've fallen off the wagon, that moment is when we can say, "Okay, NOW I am starting again...it doesn't have to be tomorrow...there's still time in TODAY!"

But, today was a new day. For reals.

As far as eating goes, I know what makes me fat. I know what foods cause me to retain fluids, get puckery, grow bat wings, dimply thighs and a nice thick ring around my waist. I know that sugars and carbs make me puffy, cranky, wrinkly and groggy, and that eating them just makes me want them more.

So, today I boycotted them.

Carbs, YOU SUCK!

No, I'm not going all Atkins or something. But what I am doing is eating 2-3 lean proteins, 3-5 veggies, a little quinoa or brown rice here and there and 2 low glycemic index fruits each day for the next month. I'm also doing a combo of P90X and INSANITY and walking. If I can't lose my excess weight by eating healthy like that and exercising, then I guess I'm just meant to be coated in this extra layer of fat that I hate. No, but really, if for some reason I can't get on top of this by June 1st then I'm going back to something I know works, and I'll share that part of the journey soon, but this isn't a place where I'm promo-ing diets...so, just fyi. Just sharing the journey.

So, yeah. I gained 6.5 lbs last week. Yep. I ate a crap load of Easter candy. Candy has nothing to do with Jesus. Just sayin'.

So, if I'm gonna be totally straight up and honest on this blog that I hate, then I guess I have to reveal all my guts and start sharing the raw stuff. Believe me, I've got some. Like how I went from 144 to 151 in a week because I wanted sugar and I didn't care. Speaking of not caring, I totally blew off my food journal when I was doing this because writing:

Emily's Easter candy

in your food journal just isn't cool at all. I also had blown off weighing in every day. Probably should not have done that since the scale didn't just creep, it leaped!

So, like a good/bad mommy, today I made Emily choose 10 of her favorite candy treats from her left over Easter basket and throw the rest away. She had already eaten plenty and doesn't need more, so really, I didn't feel badly and she really didn't seem to care.

And, for some reason, her candy didn't tempt me today. Maybe it was because I had already decided last night that May is a new month and that my body is my temple and I have to stop abusing it by letting it consume crap that doesn't give it life...

...or maybe the reality that the pool is opening in a month and I don't want to keep giving Emily excuses as to why her daddy is taking her to the pool and why I don't want to go...I want to sit at the pool this summer and laugh and play with my kids...and not care!!!!

#$%^&*(#$%^&!!!!!

2011-04-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

I can't even begin to explain how utterly, totally, and completely pissed off I am right now!

I am angry!

I am hurt!

I am frustrated!

I am so FREAKING pissed!!! #$%^&*($!! The expletives that are careening through my brain presently are not fit for TV or even the silver screen!

But, even in the midst of the Mt. Everest of emotion I am feeling, I am really quite proud of myself. Here's what all went through my mind:

Where's a hunk of chocolate?
Maybe I'll finish that bottle of wine?
Where's a can of whoop ass I could open?
...back to the chocolate...
...back to the wine...

I stopped. I breathed. I didn't allow all the f* bombs that were flying around in my head to actually come out of my mouth. I breathed again. I said, "God, I really need You to enlighten (or slap around) the person that so stupidly wrecked me today...because they just don't get it!!!"

I realized that as much as I wanted to hurt the person who was totally thoughtless and "naively" ignorant and hurtful to me, eating a crap load of chocolate and downing it with a 1/2 a bottle of wine wouldn't hurt that person...it would only show up on my mid-section or thighs and make me groggy in the morning. It wouldn't have affected that person at all. It would have only hurt me...and I've had enough hurt for one day...

Nope. I didn't even eat a crazy amount of dinner.

I didn't use food and I didn't abuse it.

So, even though no conclusion has been found in my hurt, one thing that I can take away from the situation is that I didn't hurt myself to try to get back at another person.

I think I took a step in the right direction.

Nice work, me!

God is Smarter than a 2nd Grader

2011-04-28T07:55:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what’s best for me…God does.

I don't know what's best for me. I think I do, but I don't.

I think I’ve always thought this, but I most certainly haven’t always practiced it. Not when I take up the details. Not when I don’t seek Him regularly. Not when I ride on my self-sufficiency.

And, as my friend said at a retreat I recently attended, “It’s easy to trust God with the big things, but what about the details?”

I can totally track with the “big things” mentality. I’ve never questioned whether God can make the world go round, heal the sick, raise the dead, split seas wide open…but does He really give a rip about whether I am physically insecure or can’t stand the woman in the mirror?

And not just when it comes to poor self-image, but in everything, do I really, truly believe, no matter how difficult it may be, how much effort I may have to put forth, even if my heart is wrecked and it’s not all turning out as I had planned or expected…does God really know what is best for me?

That would mean I have to admit He sees a bigger picture and is way smarter than me. I know God is way smarter than me. Duh. So then why, oh why, do I try to pick it up again? And by “it” I mean: whatever it is I am battling, trying to control, thinking I have under control…why is it that I think I can handle it and manage it better than the God of the Universe can?

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8&9

God knows what is best for me, and it’s good, and it’s better than anything I could try to make up from my own strength.

And He knows what’s best for you, and it’s beautiful, it’s more than you could ever imagine, and it’s smarter than anything we could think up on our own.

It's a no-brainer: The Creator of the Universe knows what's best for me...now to just put that into practice every day by laying down my own selfishness...

Mind Games

2011-04-26T19:10:00.000-07:00

For the majority of my life, when I look in a mirror, I haven’t loved the reflection.

I have a lot of random thoughts when I think of the title, “Mind Games.” One in particular is how, at times in my life, I have looked in the mirror or saw my own arm or leg and thought, “Hmm. I wish my arm actually looked like that.”

The mind game comes in because as I saw my own reflection, my own arm, for instance, I wasn’t distorting it or squeezing a chunk of it, hiding it in my armpit. I was looking at my very own arm…seeing what was in the mirror…wishing my arm looked just like that…but not really seeing that the very arm I was looking at in the mirror was my own.

Does that make sense? Well, no, it doesn’t make sense, but do you kinda sorta at least understand what I’m trying to convey?

What our mind receives is not always what our eyes are actually seeing…

I have poor eyesight. I am very near-sighted. It’s ironic, really. Especially when I think of a poor self-image journey because when you are “near-sighted” it means you can see things close to you quite clearly, but not far away. Yet, what I see clearly in the mirror isn’t really what God sees.

I also have poor vision. It’s distorted sometimes. It’s especially foggy when I try to SEE through my own perspective instead of God’s eye view.

I’m not sure if this is my “thorn in my side” but I am looking for the day that what I see in the mirror is what God sees.

Because this journey isn’t really about how I look or what I see but it’s about being who I was created to be. That’s the only me I want to be. To the fullest. I've just hit a small road block...

Insane in the membrane!

2011-04-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

I just did INSANITY.

Not quite sure why I did that...

I mean, I like to work out hard, but I was having flashbacks of high school basketball practice and our skinny Italian coach yelling at us girls to "Get on the line!" It paid off. His training did take us to State 3 years in a row, but seriously, I'm pushing 40, and my hip pops constantly. (Don't tell Tony Horton, but I think I'll stick to my P90X...it's a little more age appropriate for this old body :))

Anyway, my mom asked me a question the other day that made me smile. She said, "I guess I just don't understand why you had to hide in the closet to eat."

I am a black and white person, very literal, up is up, down is down. But, I never actually sat in my closet and ate. One time I sat in my closet and cried but that was because I thought it was a good idea to try to dye my hair the night before I was heading out of town for my friend's wedding...let's just say, my bangs were orange, kinda like Tang. I actually looked like an orangutan. Thankfully Jason offered to run to the store at midnight and I showed up in Houston as a "natural" brunette.

The title of this blog came to my heart as a result of looking back, trying to get to the core of when and where and how my relationship with myself and food went awry. I think you probably knew that, but in case you pictured me eating food in my closet, it's more of a mentality...and I've "outed" myself, if you will.

The very act of outing myself has helped somewhat.

Honestly, and this is of no surprise, what is helping the most is changing my thoughts...and this not by my own strength. In March I started hand-writing the Bible. I've read it a lot, but actually writing it down word for word has been a beautiful discipline for me, physically and mentally. I've been ridding myself of excess busyness in my life, even good busyness, and as a result, had told God I didn't want all the great thoughts of any old author or study but wanted to sit and learn from The Ultimate Author.

I highly recommend it. God's a really smart Guy. Don't let your heart get preoccupied with all the details of history, the lineages, the future, or even all the "why's?" you might have. Just God. Who He is. How He desires to be known. Plain and simple. Getting to know God the way He wants to be known instead of through the pictures that religion has tried to paint is a much more beautiful journey. Getting to know God is not a formula. It a relationship that takes time and effort, give and take, talking and listening.

But, if we're doing all the talking, we'll never get to know Him. Ever. Don't believe me? Think about meeting a new person. If you talk the whole time, will you learn anything about the new person? I mean, besides that they are a good listener, or very patient?

Anyway, spending time handwriting His word has been more fulfilling than any pan of brownies. Doesn't mean I don't like brownies. I do. But I like God more. And I daily have to choose God over the other things I want to fill my life with, no matter how good they may be.

I want God plain and simple.

He wants the same from me...

Fixation on Vacation

2011-04-21T05:18:00.000-07:00

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Proverbs 9:10

"If you find honey, eat just enough - too much of it, and you will vomit." Proverbs 25:16

"Eat honey, my son, for it is good; honey from the comb is sweet to your taste. Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 24:13&14

These are some scriptures I was reading this morning. Filling up on God's word rather than on food, or even thinking of food.

My mom is a really wise woman. She shared with me a revelation she had about Americans, but really any indulgent people, and pleasure. I had recently gotten home from a vacation. I hadn't gone on a real vacation, with just Jason, in over 5 years. And, it was to one of my favorite places on earth...Mexico. It was so relaxing! I got ample sleep, sat in the sun while reading "Cold Tangerines" and defrosting my body. I ate guacamole, fresh fruit and had real Mexican margaritas...and this all not just with Jason but with some of our very best friends. It was a recipe for a great getaway. I am so grateful we had the opportunity!

And then we came home.

And home is good, too. I love all the people that are here at home. But there are responsibilities here. There is work to be done. I am needed here. I can't just be, but that is okay. Really, it is.

The problem is, the memories we walk away with from a vacation are also wrapped around feelings that felt so darn good. My mom shared something like this: The experiences and feelings get so wrapped up into one that we try to re-create those same feelings into our every day life. And not just once in a while as a quick escape from reality, but when stress comes or overload or fatigue, boredom, sadness, whatever the trigger, we try to add the feeling of vacation into every element of our lives...hence, eating when we aren't hungry. Shopping when we don't need anything. Having that extra drink just to get that extra little buzz. Whatever our "go to", when it is in excess, either by quantity, actual time or thinking about it, it becomes an idol.

(I find it interesting that this is exactly what Em and I are reading in her Picture Bible right now, as well as her Reader for school...hmmm...guess God is reinforcing what He is setting me free from!)

Freedom from responsibility, total uninterrupted relaxation, satisfaction from food that was made for me by a chef, the opportunity to be served instead of having to do all the work. Honestly, the list could go on and on.

But God set the example of reality for me at the very beginning: 6 days work, 1 day off to rest. We want, or maybe just I want, no one else out there, the feeling of 6 days rest...6 days of vacation...6 days of at least the feelings of vacation...and if I were to be honest: 7.

So, for me, even though my trip to Mexico was totally great, it was at the end of a really long and draining time line of events in my life. I'm not going to pull the dead kid card here. I'm not trying to make excuses. I am grateful for this blog that I hate because it's giving me a space to retrace some steps and see where I burnt out. It's been culminating for a while. I think I've just felt too needed, and even that shows me I was trying to do too much on my own strength, coasting on refills of the past instead of stopping for myself, not selfishly, but because we all need it, just to get filled up by the One Who does the ultimate filling.

No, I haven't been laying on the floor in the family room with all the lights on under a space heater to recreate the Mexican sun, but I have been eating out of boredom, that is for sure.

At the beginning of this year, I was hungrier than ever to just have simple, uncomplicated, quiet time with God. I expressed that to Him, though He knew my heart anyway, so it's not like it was a big secret. As a result, He has been showing me how He is taking things out of my life to create more room, not to fill up with people, experiences or things, but to fill up with Him.

Just the other night, as I was trying to fall asleep after posting here, God showed me quite a few things on this quest for freedom from food obsession. One was this:

When Noah was in the hospital, and for quite some time afterward, food wasn't even an issue. I actually didn't even eat out of stress while he was sick. And, He showed me it was because I wasn't being self-sufficient but was trusting Him with everything. He also showed me, though, that there doesn't have to be a train wreck or chaos, calamity or heartache in order to lean into Him.

I know too much.

I already know that God wants me to hang out with Him all day long, everyday, not just when stuff is tough. But I'm a strong personality. I am driven. I can do it on my own. I'm self-sufficient. Yep. I can. I mean, obviously...that's why I have this blog that I hate, right?!

What I really need to eat right now is a few slices of humble pie. Actually, just one bite is plenty. I mean, I need the whole pie because I really need some humbling, but with this revelation, I know that one bite will do. I can't do this on my own. All the willpower in the world won't suffice. But God will. He does. I just need to sit and be with Him more.

I have picked it up again. I have allowed food to become an idol once more. I've allowed myself to crowd out my Heavenly Father.

I'm a regular old Israelite of old. I wonder if the golden calf they forged was a big, fat, golden calf?

I am sorry, Lord. I am sorry.

And God has been gracious. He forgives me. He isn't disgusted with me. He loves me. He hasn't changed, He remains.

So I am the one that has to stop and go back to where He can be found...and it's not in the busyness of things that are even good. It's at His feet. It's not with the fridge hanging open or my hand in the bottom of an empty bag or with the American sized portions on every corner.

It's at His feet. In His Word. Pure and simple. I'm re-learning.

Those last 10 lbs.

2011-04-20T06:05:00.000-07:00

You know, when I weighed 187 pounds, I thought I only needed to lose 10 pounds. When I weighed 165 for a few years, I thought the same thing. Ditto thoughts when I was 150…It’s funny how we can become comfortable with our weight. It’s also interesting how our perspective can change, as well as our standard.

I bought into the lie. You know the one, “The older you get, you just naturally are going to gain weight, especially after children…just expect to hold onto the weight…embrace the fat.” But I don’t think I ever truly bought into it, which is probably one reason I’ve wanted to lose “those last 10 pounds” for 15+ years and a roller coaster of 45+ pounds up and down.

I’m ready to get off this ride!

I am tired of living in a state of “the last 10 pounds” whether it’s really just 10 or 5 or 40 or 130. I just don’t really want to always wonder what I could have felt like or if I really could have attained it.

Yes, I mean I’d like to maintain a healthy weight through healthful eating and exercise. A healthy body image and an actual healthy body, in my opinion, go hand in hand. You can’t truly have one without the other, I don’t think.

Now don’t get me wrong…just because somebody has a great body physically doesn’t mean they have a healthy mind. And, someone could be completely comfortable in their own skin at 400 pounds, but it doesn’t mean their heart and joints and vital organs aren’t compromised.

The point of this post is I just think our brains are interesting…to say the least. I mean, to think that my brain and my eyes had a disconnect at some point, namely what I see in the mirror, what I think about myself, what the scale says, what weight I think I could be happy at…I think it’s all very interesting.

I’m excited to share some powerful things that God put on my heart last night regarding hunger and satisfaction, but I don’t have time right now…I have a date with my husband in the basement to do our P90X of the day.

(Case in point about the scale and weighing each day...today I am 144.8. The thing that was different was I didn't have my allergens the last two days...do you know what your food sensitivities are? You probably don't if you are eating them regularly.)

Retracing some of my steps...

2011-04-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

So, in the food journal I write in each day, I record my weight. I don't recommend weighing yourself everyday if you are an obsessive person. The reality is, our weight fluctuates up and down a few pounds in just a matter of hours, even. I know this now. I record my weight and journal my food intake each day because I am learning which foods I am sensitive to and which ones cause me to retain excess weight and swelling, therefore, which foods to either limit or avoid altogether. I did not know this fact when I was a teenager. All I could see was the numbers...not "the why?"

As an insecure high schooler who thought every other girl was a million times more beautiful than me, at least in the summers when I was home throughout the day, I would weigh myself up to 5x in a day...no, I'm not exaggerating, unfortunately. It makes me sad to think of how many teenage girls are trapped as grown women today, still checking the scale that frequently, but not knowing how and why it could possibly fluctuate so much! It makes me sad to think of how many teenage girls never even made it to womanhood because they thought food, and their own reflections, and the number on the scale were their enemies.

Looking back, I'm shocked at some of my high school and college pictures! I used to think I was fat. I wasn't. I am 5' 9 1/2" tall and have been ever since high school. When I got to college I weighed 140 lbs and had 18% body fat. I know this because my freshman year of college, and the years following, we had to have our BMI's done in P.E. (Why I still remember that number over 20 years later is part of the story, I guess.) When I graduated I weighed 150 lbs and had a percent body fat of 25. According to BMI charts, I was healthy when I got to college but was considered obese when I left...reading that word "obese" as a one hundred and fifty pound person really jacked up my mind and the reflection in the mirror.

"How could I be obese when I had only gained 10 lbs?" I thought.

Yep. Freshman year, first week, the school highlighted most girls' biggest battle without even knowing it...

Since college my weight has gone from anywhere between 150 and 180, not pregnant. I maxed out when I worked at a college, after college, in a size 14. I lived on campus with all the girls, and yes, I ate like I was a student instead of a real, live grown-up who should know better to make wise choices.

You might think that a 10 pound weight gain in 4 years of college isn't that big of a deal. I mean, yeah, I wasn't on high school swim team anymore, practicing 2 hours a day after school, nor was I doing lunges and wall squats in basketball, either. But I was still working out each week, because we had to for PE at our college. I was working out but not as much, and, I was eating a heck of a lot more. Yes, my metabolism slowed from not being in sports, but my appetite increased, as well.

I know that in college more than high school I ate out of habit rather than hunger. And boy did I have some crappy habits! I hadn't drank pop in high school. Water or tea had always been my beverage of choice until I met my new best friend...the college cafeteria. Filled with so many choices, I was a kid in a candy store. I am not kidding when I tell you that at lunch and dinner I would put two waters and two Dr. Peppers on my tray. Every. Single. Day. And, of course, there were the late night trips to the vending machines so I could just stay awake long enough to get that paper done...

My freshman year alone, glancing back at my checkbook, I had spent over $600 at the Subway across the street...and I can tell you what I had ordered each time: 6" Turkey Bacon with cheese, lettuce, onion, tons of pickles, mustard, mayo and salt and pepper on white...and a Dr. Pepper, of course. (I know now why that sandwich is bad for me in so many ways, but I honestly thought that the fact that I had ordered turkey and lettuce was a healthy choice.)

And one of the sad things...I can look back and remember dieting in high school, before any of this crazy college over-eating. And by "dieting" I mean, I would do one of two things: I would drink one of my dad's Ultra Slim-F*ast shakes for breakfast, or, having had become a Christian Mother's Day my freshman year in 1987, I would be oh so super spiritual and "fast." Lame-O! God and I both knew I wasn't fasting in the proper sense of the word. I wanted the scale to be good to me, plain and simple.

This morning I weighed 147. I can't believe I just typed that out in real life. This blog sucks. Anyway, that puts me just a little over 21 BMI. Two weeks ago I was 144 and 149 all in the same week. I also found out I am allergic to eggs, which I never knew, and it was reconfirmed that I need to avoid dairy. I've known about gluten for probably two years now.

Two and a half months ago, I was 139...it was that weight that I looked in the mirror and finally said to myself, "Wow. You look healthy." It was at that weight that I freaked out and didn't know how to be a healthy thin person again and therefore started self-sabotaging.

I don't have a specific number in mind right now. That's not what this is about. I know now as a health and nutrition hobbyist over the past 10+ years how to be a healthy person, how to make balanced meals, how to shop around the perimeter of the grocery store, avoid genetically modified foods, buy organic, eat fresh as much as possible, don't combine proteins and starches, limit starches and sugars, choosing whole foods over processed junk, taking probiotics and omegas, yada, yada, yada...I know all this stuff. Believe me. I know. I know. I know.

Now I just have to figure out why I've never really, truly ever loved myself...and start doing it.

Refreshments

2011-04-17T15:12:00.001-07:00

So, I couldn't post yesterday as I did not have access to a computer or the Internet.

The retreat was great! Honestly, the days and weeks leading up to it, I was just thinking of it as a retreat where I would only know one friend and where I'd just get up and share my story and then sit down...

It never occurred to me that God could have a bit more in mind...like that I would enjoy the retreat, feel refreshed, and come away with new perspective. I have a lot to digest...

Food wasn't even an issue this weekend. I didn't bring any bags of treats and even the chocolates (dairy) that were in my gift bag I slipped into another girl's bag. There was a buffet, like large camp cafeteria style, not so much FoodNetwork style, so, as you might imagine everything had dairy, gluten and eggs in it. I have recently learned I am allergic to dairy, gluten and eggs. I've been off gluten for over a year, so that wasn't a big deal, but I literally had been eating 2 eggs every morning with lots of sauteed veggies. Anyway, to say the least, it was interesting navigating the buffet, but I was safe with plain veggies, salads, fruit and meat. I thought I had found a glitch in the sweet tooth system when I discovered non-dairy creamer...you know the stuff...flavored, made out of corn syrup solids and stuff I can't pronounce because I failed chemistry. Anyway, I don't ever eat that stuff because I preferred the real, pure, cream from a cow. Well, after I had had 4 cups of decaf in two days with many a pump of hazelnut fake creamer, I read the fine print...there's casein. Did I mention there was significant bloating? So, just another reason why that stuff was bad for me in the first place. Maybe coconut milk creamer???

Anyway, much more exciting than that was the opportunity to get away, up in the beautiful mountains, and enjoy a little quiet and time with an old friend who is likely moving away. I met beautiful women with beautiful stories. I was honored and humbled to be able to share part of my story. When a short video was playing of Noah's journey, one I have seen a lot of times, I started choking back the tears. I really am blown away how much Ryan looks like his big brother!

Here are a few morsels I wrote down over the weekend that God put on my heart...I will be chewing on these for a while, for sure. I am typing them as I wrote them...you can get what you want from them:

Satiate: 100% satisfaction in the Lord...satisfy my craving
Will You, God, give me what You know I need, what You have designed, what Your will & plan is for me?
It's easy to believe God for the really BIG things...but what about the details?
There are seasons when God wants us to only have Him in order to draw closer and know our SOURCE.
I don't know what's best for me...God does...so how do I place total trust in Him, then?
Sometimes it may seem hour by hour, minute by minute, day by day.
Coping mechanism - Let God fill that hole I am trying to fill...figuring out, "what is that hole?"

Here are some notes I wrote down from the songs, just lines from them that stood out as a theme, I guess:

Let my life song sing to you, knowing that my heart was true
Hungry, You satisfy, Your love does not run dry
Falling on my knees, offering all of me, Jesus You are all this heart is hungry for
Lord, I've taken it up again...I lay it down...You know what is best for me.
Lead me to the cross where Your blood poured out
Rid me of myself, I belong to You...
I live for You alone...

I know, right?! I mean, did you see the theme? Yeah, the worship leader did NOT consult with me prior to choosing her songs and as we talked later, she told me that some she hadn't sung in years but felt like God was putting them on her heart for the weekend. What do you know?!

The girl who led worship is Rachel James. She is extremely talented and I had the chance over the weekend to spend time with her, learn some of her story, and be blessed to hear her use her gift of music for God. It might seem cheesy, but, to me, a non-musical human being, when Rachel's fingers touched that piano, it made the piano sing. Pray for her...God has her on a journey.

The bullet above that is in red...that's the one that struck my heart most profoundly...I'll share my guts about it tomorrow. Right now, though, I hear my yummy baby through the monitor and I can't wait to go scoop him up and smooch the heck out of him.

So frustrating!

2011-04-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

Arghhh! I totally want to just hit the "delete this blog" button on here.

I realize that in order for this blog to work for me, I have to make a stupid entry everyday. Otherwise I'll just slip into my own secretive habits and it'll just be a writing outlet, not an outlet to actually walk in freedom.

I'm a very literal person. Black and White. Sometimes I can be the most disciplined person on the planet, but if I have no outward accountability, my momentum dwindles. It's annoying. Anyway, if I write down everything I eat, which sucks since that is focusing on food, but if I write down everything in a journal, which I have on my counter, then I won't cheat. Because, I don't want to write, "1/2 a tub of Ben&Jerry's" or "One dozen chocolate chip cookies" or "1 box Thin Mints in car on way home from store." Thankfully, I'm just that messed up that if I've said I have to write it down then I won't eat it...I know some people might eat it and not write it down my mind doesn't work that way.

I do want to tell you what this blog is NOT...

It's not a, "Hey! I achieved this goal and so can you! These are the steps!"

This is a processing place. I'm on the journey, I haven't attained it. No nirvana here...

Real, raw, uncensored. This is me in real life. I am this way in everything else, I just couldn't allow my food addiction to cramp my style, so I have stuffed it pretty well over the years. I've confided in a few friends but they are too safe.

Anyway, I am sharing at a retreat this weekend and have to head out the door. Ask me if I reveal my secret there...that's not why I've been asked to speak, but just maybe telling on myself to those strangers will help bring a little perspective.

I hate food.

2011-04-14T14:02:00.000-07:00

I love food.

I hate that I love food.

I don't love that I hate or love food.

I just want to eat food and get on with it, already.

It's not even food, even though it kind of is. It's really only part of it, but it's annoying, nonetheless.

If you do drugs, you can stop by removing the drugs from your life.

If you drink too much, you can stop by avoiding alcohol and never coming in contact with it again.

If you are a pervert, you can stop being a pervert by avoiding porn and perverted situations, busying yourself with productivity and such....(these, of course, are simplified cures, mind you...just getting my point across, here...)

If your addiction is food, you can't stop eating food. Somehow, with prayers, willpower, discipline, accountability, journaling, busying oneself with some sort of hobby or whothehellknowswhat, you can break a food addiction and it can become a beautiful, well-balanced, healthy relationship. If anyone knows how, lemme know. Thanks.

I hate this blog.

I don't want you to know that as I sit and type this, having just finished an organic apple and tablespoon of natural peanut butter that I would have rather had the entire outer edge of a gluten-free tray of brownies...which I cannot make in my house or have just sitting around, because I would eat them all...because I have.

And this isn't all I think about. And sometimes it is.

Believe me, my life is oh so much more exciting than just food-thinking or how fat I think I am, but this season in my life, for a reason, it is at the forefront again. Stuffing it down worked in the past...for some reason it's not working this time. Maybe I actually want to be free?!

In the same vein, I love zucchini and spinach, kale and salmon, grass fed beef and cherries.

I don't dream about food, either.

There are just days that I get so bored, I eat. And then, I hate what I see in the mirror.

Recently I lost a significant amount of weight and had to go out and buy new jeans. Rough, I know...but seriously, I'm not looking for your condolences.

Here's the problem...in my mind, in my eyes, in my heart, I've always been the fat one. I'm the bigger sister, even though I'm the middle kid. In my reality, the perfectionism that runs rampant in my mind has never graced itself on my thighs or upper arms and, in my jacked up world, it's maddening!

As long as I can remember, I've never thought the girl in the mirror was pretty. She wasn't thin enough, though she was never huge. I think I literally hid behind my hair and my personality. Both were big enough to hide my thighs and hurtful thoughts. I had good hair. (And by "had" I mean, before I had kids. Now I don't even have that going for me...)

I know! I totally disgust you! I disgust myself. There are bigger problems in the world. I realize that, which is why I have to write my guts out here in order to be free of my own messed up self and move on with more important things.

I've had this blog in my mind for several months now. My mind is a safer place where I can hide my dirty, disgusting little secret. But, I for one, know there is no such thing as a secret. When there is something hidden in our lives that is not meant to be kept in the shadows, it. will. be. brought. to. light.

So, here you go: I was a latch-key kid starting in 2nd grade and it was then that my addiction and jacked up relationship with food began. Or maybe it was then that my skewed self-image started emerging. Chicken or the egg? I was a free agent in the kitchen and no one was there to tell me, "No. Dinner is almost ready, don't fill up." I would usually play with my BFF down the street for a bit and then if we didn't snack at her house, or even if we did, I'd come home and open the pantry. "What can I sneak before my parents get home?" Mwwahahaha! I suspect it started out of actual hunger from actually playing outside way back when in the late '70's and early '80's, you know, when we rode our bikes and skipped rope and roller skated and chased kids and climbed trees...before Atari. Does anyone out there remember? Anyway, at some point it morphed from hunger to boredom, and though I have not been bored for the last 30 years straight, I most certainly have eaten out of boredom...and comfort...and sadness...and boredom...and probably habit?

So when I lost all that weight recently, I looked in the mirror and was shocked, quite frankly. I didn't have bat wings. There wasn't a spot of cellulite to push in and wiggle. My stomach was flat which had never happened...and I thought, "Wow. You look really healthy. That's the you I've always known was in there."

And then I cracked. I didn't know how to be that healthy thin person. I started self-sabotaging. Gross, I know. But really, I did not know how to carry myself and the very weight I had hated for years I welcomed back with open, floppy upper arms.

Anyway, I'm kind of grossing myself out here. I am on this journey to find healing and wholeness. I write because it helps me get my guts and thoughts on "paper." I write it here because without accountability there is no motivation for change. I write here because I know I am not the only person out of 6 plus billion that has a very skewed self-body image or less than desirable relationship with food.

Warning: I have to be real here. I will not candy-coat my entries. I will not blow sunshine and try to make this look fluffy, though I will crack jokes to lighten my own heart. If you are offended by the content of this blog, hit "Next blog" and be on your way...it's just that easy.

For anyone else, if this blog resonates with you on any level, come back for another serving. My heart buffet is open...